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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27382477">Never Say Goodbye</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltedcarameltears/pseuds/saltedcarameltears'>saltedcarameltears</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>3RACHA, Abandonment, Adoption, Angst, Bang Chan &amp; Lee Felix are Best Friends, Bang Chan is a Good Hyung, Bang Chan is also Called Chris, Blood and Injury, Bullying, Car Accidents, Cardiac Arrests, Coma, Emotional Baggage, Gen, Harassment, Hospitalization, Hurt/Comfort, Hypothermia, Insomniac Bang Chan, Medical Inaccuracies, Minor Character Death, Near Death Experience, Non-Linear Narrative, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Shy Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Someone dies... or does he?, Suicidal Thoughts</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-08 21:21:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>142,681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27382477</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/saltedcarameltears/pseuds/saltedcarameltears</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"What makes you think that after all this time, you can simply walk back into my life as though nothing happened? As though eight long years haven't passed by since you decided to leave and cut ties with everyone?"</p><p>"Felix." Chan let out the breath he didn't know he had been holding, his lips pale from the shock of seeing the ghost of his past that he never thought he'd be coming face-to-face with again. "I never said goodbye."</p><p> </p><p>Or, Chris and Felix were inseparable in high school, but an unfortunate tragedy tore them apart. </p><p>Eight years later, fate brings them back together, but things are no longer the way they used to be. What used to be Chan's seemingly perfect life had already fallen apart, and Felix's sunny personality had long since been eclipsed by cynicism and resentment, making it hard for him to let Chan back into his life. What would it take to restore their friendship when the only option they seem to be left with is to say goodbye?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>156</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>169</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I didn't really think I'd end up writing this, but the idea sat with me for a couple days and inspiration would not leave me until I started playing around with this plot. We'll see where this gets us, I guess...</p><p>For the meantime, I do want to point out that this is going to be an angsty story, and later chapters may deal with heavier topics. Please make sure you read the tags before going any further. I will continue adding to the list as I update the story.</p><p>Keep in mind that this is a work of fiction, so the depictions of characters' personalities and backgrounds are based on how I envisioned them as they pertain to the plot, which itself is not based on reality but is rather a creation of my sleep-deprived brain.</p><p>Italics denote flashback scenes, and everything else is in the present day.</p><p>Anyway, enough of the preamble... let's get on with the story. ;)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Hyungie…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It started with that little voice Felix always used on him when something bothered him or when he had a favor to ask. It never failed to amuse Chris every time he heard it. For someone who had such a naturally deep voice, Felix definitely had a talent for switching his speaking voice to an unusually high pitch as though he spoke like that on a day-to-day basis. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It came out of nowhere, in Chris' opinion. Felix's call, that is. They were both studying in their school's library, each of them doing their own thing to prepare for the upcoming final exams for the first term of the year. Chris had already noticed even earlier in the day that the younger was relatively more restless than usual today, but upon checking with the latter, who simply passed it off as schoolwork-related stress, Chris simply nodded and let it go. After all, he understood.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris knew the stresses that came with final exams. He'd already endured them for six years now, both in high school and senior high school. He knew how much weight came with those exams and how they could make or break anyone's grade despite all the hard work a student had put in during the term.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"'What's up, Lix?" he asked, turning his head to face the younger boy next to him but his eyes remaining focused on his notes as he finished writing up the sentence he was in the middle of.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger sighed as he placed his pencil on top of his notebook and pushed his math textbook further away. "I can't focus."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris stopped what he was doing and faced the other student, his brows furrowing in slight concern. In the almost-three years he'd known Felix, he's never been one to have a hard time focusing on something he knew he had to work on. The fact that he was struggling with it now was quite a bit of a news. "What's bothering you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A guilty smile crept on his face as he blindly reached into the side pocket of his backpack that rested on the other chair next to him. "I've been thinking."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A momentary pause punctuated the younger's declaration, and Chris found himself having to pry for more information. "About?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So you know how I really enjoy dancing, right?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He nodded. Dance was probably one of the first things he'd ever associated with Felix, recognizing from the start that the boy not only had an interest in it but also a gift for it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He sheepishly pulled a piece of folded paper from his backpack, and Chris immediately recognized from the mustard yellow shade of the tattered sheet what this was all about. Wanting the younger one to actually verbally tell him what he had in mind, Chris kept his mouth sealed despite a knowing smile tugging at the corner of his lips.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I…" Felix trailed off, an embarrassed smile making its way across his lips before he groaned and put his head down on the table to playfully hit his head on it. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Bro," Chris said with his trademark giggle as he took the piece of paper from the younger's hand and unfolded it, the faded creases and lightly ripped corners catching his attention. "How long have you been holding onto this? This looks like last year's flyer," he joked even though he knew from the contents of the ad that it was current.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyuuuuung…" he groaned even more as he lifted his head, but this time he did not suppress the laugh that rumbled from his chest. "Would it be so bad if I wanted to join this year's talent show?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris looked at him, replacing his playful smile with a confused frown. "What's bad about that?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know…" He shrugged. "It just feels like a foreign concept. And yet I can't get it out of my mind."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He set the paper back down on the table and placed a hand on the younger's shoulder. "It's foreign because you've never done this before. But there's always a first time for everything, and I think your time to show the world your own talent is now. I think you should join."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But I might embarrass myself. I'm part of the dance club, Hyung. If I mess this up, they're going to know and I'm never going to live that down."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix, you are in the dance club for a reason. It's because you love dancing and you're good at dancing."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know but…" He rubbed the back of his neck. "I really want to do this, but also… I could easily mess up the steps. I could trip on stage, or I could fall out of rhythm. I-I don't know how to fully choreograph, and I don't know if—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix, calm down. Look… I have faith in you. Let's focus on one thing at a time, okay?" He waited for the younger to nod before continuing. "You want to join the talent show, don't you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah but—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Shhh." He placed his index finger in front of his lips and smiled at the younger boy. "One at a time, remember?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, one at a time…" he repeated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And you're nervous because you've never done this before." Felix nodded again. "Anytime you try to get out of your shell, it will feel like it's a daunting task. It's normal."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, th-the reason I brought this up with you is because… I… I know you're super busy since you only have like less than a year until you're off to university, but since this will be my first time, I kind of don't want to do this alone…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris looked at him, slightly taken aback by where he guessed this conversation was going.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Please, Hyung," he asked as he turned on his seat to face the older student and placed both of his hands on the latter's arm, tugging at the sleeves of his uniform. "Can you be my partner? Can we join the show as a duo?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"A… duo?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah. I don't have the confidence to do this alone. I mean… you know I don't have any confidence—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's not true—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"—Plus, since you're going into a performing arts program at university, you could list this out on your resume as an extra-curricular activity."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris laughed. "Felix, I'm going into a digital music program. I don't think dance counts much for that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Y-yeah but…" He trailed off, finally admitting to himself that that was indeed a silly idea.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Besides, I'm not really good at dancing—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You know, if you don't want to do it, Hyung, just tell me," he deadpanned. "You don't need to lie to my face."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris raised his hands up in defense. "I'm not lying."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You were in the dance club in your earlier years in high school. You told me that. Heck, the guys told me that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I was, but I'm not anymore, and there's a reason for that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't act like you had to leave the dance club for being bad at dancing. Everyone who knows you in that club knows that you only left because 24 hours in one day is not enough for a busy young man like yourself, and you had to make room for college applications in your schedule last year by eliminating one of your extra-curricular activities that demanded the most time."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris smiled sheepishly. Yeah, the dance club in their school was a tightly knit group. Once you're in, you're family. That meant a lot of expectations, but it also meant brotherhood. To be honest, Chris was relieved that Felix had that sort of community in school. It gave him a bit more confidence and a sense of belongingness. And now that Felix was thriving in that club, Chris wasn't as worried as he used to be about the fact that he'll be leaving his younger friend alone in high school after graduating this year.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You are good at dancing and you have a lot of stage presence. Plus you have a sense of confidence that is quite contagious… and you have a little brother who desperately needs your help to get him out of his shell and who will be indebted to you for the rest of his life because you helped him figure out if dancing in front of an audience is something he'd really like to pursue in the future." He grinned and playfully batted his lashes at the older boy. "Isn't that enough reason for you to help me out?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris let out a giggle and was quick to cover his mouth to suppress his laughter as soon as he caught the eye of the librarian not too far away from their table. He loved Felix like a little brother and as self-serving as it may sound, he loved him even more during times like these when the younger made him feel like he was worth turning to for help. Even though he hadn't done much yet, it made him feel special. It made him feel like he mattered because the younger boy trusted him enough to take a leap of faith with him as a partner. Yes, he laughed at the desperate way his friend tried to convince him, but more than anything, his heart was full.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So?" Felix asked impatiently as he once again took hold of the older boy's arm. "Can you please tell me you're doing this with me so I can finally concentrate on studying for my math test? You don't want me to fail a major subject this term because of this, do you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You know, you should probably consider a sales career when you become an adult. You're too good at giving out sales pitches off the fly."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He grinned. "Save the compliments for later, Hyung, when I'm not distracted. You know, if I may point out an additional fact, I'd like to mention that with this being your last year of high school, you're never going to get an offer as good as this from anyone or anywhere after this…" he punctuated his statement with a wink.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You won't take no for an answer, would you?" he asked with a small laugh… not that he was ever planning on turning his friend down anyway. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, not really."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Okay, bud. You got yourself a partner. You know I can't say no to you anyway."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Looking back now, Chan – who had long since buried his identity as Chris, the boy that he used to be – wondered how things could have been different if only he said no to Felix.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Still testing the waters here, so kudos and comments are very much appreciated!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Euphoria.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was the only way Chris could describe the feeling in his chest, bursting up in flames from the moment he and Felix left the stage about two hours ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>At seventeen years old and now in his last year of senior high school, he'd always known that this was something he wanted to do for the rest of his life. To be in the limelight. To show the world something he had worked so hard for. To be in front of everyone and share with his audience the gift of music and rhythm that he'd fallen in love with at such a young age. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The fact that he was doing this now with the best friend he'd always treated like a little brother was just cherry on top.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix was more than a fourteen-year-old boy who had stumbled into his life two years ago. From the moment they met during the younger's first year of high school, he had somehow claimed a place in Chris' heart and had managed to set up shop there. Not that Chris ever complained. The boy was a ray of sunshine to him, and he was willing to go out of his way just to keep that ray of light present in his life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I mean… I know we didn't win," the younger said, his voice about an octave higher than his normal, dripping with every bit of excitement he felt from his performance, "but I don't even care. Hyung – it felt absolutely unreal!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know!" Chris gushed. "Did you hear how much the audience cheered for you during your solo part?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's smile widened. "As egotistic as it sounds, that actually gave me lots of energy."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't think it's egotistic," he countered. "You worked hard for that solo and your audience appreciated it and their reactions wouldn't have been the same had it not been for everything you've put into this."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger's cheeks warmed up. "Thanks, Hyung. You always boost me up even when I don't really deserve it."</em>
</p><p><em>"I watched your solo behind the curtain, Lixie. I </em>know<em> that you deserve it."</em></p><p>"<em>I just… I just kinda wish someone from our families came to see us, y'know?"</em></p><p>
  <em>Chris' smile faltered. He knew that no matter how many words of encouragement he offered to the younger male, there was no way he could change the reality that, unlike their competitors in the talent show, no one from either of their families came out to support them. Both of them had invited their families to see their performance, but both of them were left with no one but each other.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris had no expectations when he extended his invitation to his family. His parents supported his extracurriculars financially when needed, but they never had the time nor interest to attend anything he invited them to. He'd been told straightforwardly once earlier in his high school days that making them come to such events was asking for too much, so he never pushed whenever he mentioned such things over family conversations. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A little bit surprisingly, his little brother Jeongin expressed interest in coming to watch his brother when he first mentioned he was joining the talent show with Felix. That interest, however, was long forgotten when Jeongin realized how many things he had piled up on his plate for school during this time of the term. He overloaded on his extracurriculars in an effort to be somewhat like his all-star brother, but being four years younger and not having enough practice in juggling his commitments, he struggled quite a bit, and studying for his exams definitely were higher on his priority list than seeing his brother perform. Chris did not take it personally. He completely understood.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix, on the other hand, was not expecting the lack of support from his family. This was the first time he'd invited his parents and brother for anything he participated in at school, given that only relatively recently had he shown interest in remotely anything – thanks to Chris – but he didn't quite get the response he'd hoped for.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For years his parents had pushed him to grow out of his shell. To find what he's good at so he can get himself a good academic standing. See, he never really stood out for anything, the same way that nothing ever really stood out to him as something worth his time and dedication. He'd been an average student, at best, who just went with the flow of being a student until he could get to graduation and go with the flow of just living some kind of life his parents had designed for him as an adult. After all, that's what it meant to have rich parents who ran their own business anyway – the children had no choice whatsoever as to how to live their lives because ultimately they'd be expected to take over their parents' company. Felix knew this and understood it even at such a young age, and so he resigned himself to such a fate, finding it a waste to determine something he liked doing if it ended up not being in line with what his parents wanted for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It wasn't until he'd met Chris that he got inspired to live a life with a purpose and to learn what it was that he could excel at. Chris was the person who showed him that there was more to life than just checking off tasks that you've been given and that it was up to him to find out what it was that made him happy doing what he's doing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Unfortunately for his parents who'd expected their youngest child to be good in an academic endeavor such as math or science or history, Felix had taken less interest in the academic world and more in the arts, particularly in performance and culinary arts. They did not explicitly reprimand him for it, but they did not shy away from expressing their concern – and essentially their disapproval – nonetheless. They wanted him to focus on his studies, so they withdrew support from anything he participated in that was non-academic. That meant Felix had to use his own allowance when activities in the dance club required some sort of financial contribution, and also that his parents were not going to be attending any after-school endeavor he had unless he somehow managed to land himself a spot in their school's academic competitions like his brother did.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His brother was no different. See, Minho had always been the good son. The one who obeyed his parents' wishes. The one who had stellar grades. The one deemed by their parents to be a good role model for his younger brother because of how good he was at maintaining his grades and managing his time between academics and extracurriculars. This was all fine by Felix. To be honest, Minho was okay. There never was any sibling rivalry between the two of them – mainly because Minho got all the attention he deserved given his obedience and hard work, and Felix never really wanted the attention. But with his extra high standards came a sense of pushiness that Felix never felt comfortable with. More often than not, Minho pushed Felix to do better – in school, at home, with his social life. And while Felix knew that it all came from a good place, sometimes it almost seemed like Minho used these moments as an opportunity to show Felix how subpar he was compared to the older boy. At least that was how Felix felt. So what if he wasn't the best student among his peers? So what if he hadn't found anything particularly interesting that he actually wanted to pursue? It didn't make him any less of a person, even though that was what his brother sometimes made him feel.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When he mentioned the talent show to his brother in silent hopes he'd ask when it was so he could watch, Minho kept a straight face and busied himself with the textbooks that lay in front of him. Minho asked him how he'd managed to convince Chan to join him in this endeavor when students in their last year of senior high school have very hectic schedules, but Felix couldn't pinpoint whether there was a tinge of jealousy he could hear in his brother's voice or if it was just his own wishful thinking that told him such an emotion was even present. It's not like Minho wanted to do extracurricular things with his little brother anyway. In the end, Minho gave him a shrug and said he'd think about watching the talent show if Felix manages to get at least a 90% on all of his exams for that term. Not too pushy at all.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix worked hard for that on top of working hard with Chan over the past couple of weeks to prepare for their choreography, but in the end he got an 88% on his math exam, so Minho nonchalantly told his brother he can't show his support for the talent show that was happening two months later. The older boy did not make it sound like his non-attendance was a direct effect of his grade in math, but Felix knew better than to think they were unrelated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It hurt, but that had happened long enough for him to get over it, even though the thought of it still kinda stung a little especially now that the show was over and he couldn't really tell his parents or his brother about the inexplicable amount of joy coursing through his veins – definitely a first in his fourteen years of existence.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry, Lix," Chris sympathized as he placed a gentle but firm hand on the younger boy's shoulder.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's okay," Felix changed his mood as soon as he noticed the slight disappointment in the older boy's face, offering a smile that was bright enough to illuminate the dark street they walked on. "You're here. You did this with me – for me – and that's what matters most."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was Felix. Chan's sunshine, glowing ever-so-brightly despite the dark evening sky.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No," Chris corrected him. "What matters most is that you mustered up the courage to do what you wanted to do."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And it's all because of you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris blushed. "This isn't about me, Lixie. This is about you. You were the one who created more than half of that choreography we just did out there, and you were the one who showed up in front of the school despite all the nerves and showed the entire student body what dance is all about."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled, still not used to getting a lot of compliments even though Chris never failed to shower him with them time and again. "Thanks, Hyung."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Peaceful silence filled the air as they walked back home from their school, bags in tow. Since neither of their families were able to watch the show, the promise of a ride home had disappeared, so they had to either spend a fortune to get a cab ride home or take a leisurely walk down the familiar path they've seen countless times before. They chose the latter, which they did not mind since they enjoyed each other's company a lot and figured that they could use the twenty-minute walk as an opportunity to get the mad rush out of their systems before they both came home to their apathetic families.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was the middle of the second term of the school year, which meant that the two Australians were walking home in one of the coldest days of the year. They did not mind, though, as the weather in Sydney wasn't too extreme, and they had their zip-up jackets on top of the green-and-black striped shirt they wore for their performance anyway. In fact, both boys welcomed the cool winter breeze that dried whatever sweat had formed in their foreheads earlier when the excitement was still fresh and raw. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So… did it help?" Chris asked, breaking the silence as they waited on a crosswalk. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix looked at him, partly perplexed at what his older friend might have meant.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You mentioned when you tried to convince me to do this with you that joining the talent show would help you figure out if you want to pursue dancing in the long run."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's smile rivaled the luminescence from the lamppost on the other side of the street a few meters down the road. "I really want to do this, Hyung. I want to pursue dancing for real."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris smiled back, feeling as though his mission had been accomplished. "That's good!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I've never felt excited about anything before, you know?" the younger continued as he signaled for Chris to start walking the moment he noticed the light turn. "It's new, and it's amazing, and it's exciting. I never understood what an adrenaline rush felt like before. Until today. I mean, we dance at the dance club and all that, but being able to perform something you've crafted yourself? Just… wow."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris couldn't help but smile in awe at his younger friend. The amount of growth he'd seen in Felix in the past two years or so is amazing, and he took pride in the fact that he'd gotten to know someone with this much potential to shine during his high school life. In a way, Felix was the brother Chris had always wished he had. He loved Jeongin for sure, but his relationship with Felix was different in ways he couldn't quite describe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm really happy for you, Lix, and I really wish that you'd actively pursue dance if that's what your passionate about," the older one said with pride as he turned around and started walking backwards so he can see his friend's face as they relived the evening's excitement. It was pretty late in the evening and they have reached the residential area of the neighborhood; cars were no longer on the road and Chris deemed it safe enough to let his guard down a little. "I've always loved the feeling that comes after a performance, but seeing you discover that for yourself after doing something like this tonight, that's an amazing sight to see."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix chuckled. "Hyung, you talk like you're my dad."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris laughed at that. This wasn't the first time Felix told him he exuded paternal vibes even though their age gap was but three years. "I'm serious! I'd even go so far as to say that hearing this come from you now makes me even happier than the rush that swept me off during our performance earlier."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I definitely would like to work on a couple of things still," the younger continued. "Like my flexibility. I struggled on that one part at the bridge of the song earlier—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But don't forget that you nailed that isolation routine," Chris was quick to counter him pointedly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix giggled at the comment. That was the part of their performance that got the student body cheering for him. The highlight of the performance, if he were to be honest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Your movements were crisp and clean and super powerful," the older boy gushed excitedly. "And also—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris did not even remember what exactly it was he wanted to say next, and neither did he have the time to figure out what had triggered the sudden panic in his friend's expression. One moment, Felix was smiling, then he was not. One moment, he saw a faint flash of bright headlights from his peripheral vision, then he had not. Everything happened suddenly – a little too suddenly – and Chris knew he did not have reflexes that were fast enough to save himself from the trouble he somehow registered was coming along with those headlights that he saw at the corner of his eye.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He felt his friend pull him into a forward motion, the force strong enough to cause him to lose his balance and hit his head on the pavement before he could catch his own fall. The impact caused his vision to immediately turn dark, and the last thing he heard was the sound of metal colliding with flesh and bones, tires screeching to an immediate halt before he was pulled into unconsciousness.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Felix!" Chan yelled out loud, immediately gasping for breath as soon as he shot up in bed, forehead nearly colliding with that of a young man whose hands were firmly placed on his arms as he sat at the edge of Chan's bed with a worried expression on his face.</p><p>"Hyung," the other man calmly said as he rubbed Chan's arm, "it's just a nightmare."</p><p>Chan slumped on his seat as he tried to take a deep breath and regain his composure. "I… you're here…"</p><p>"Yeah," a sad smile crept through the face of the younger man. "You've been calling Felix for a while now. I've been trying to wake you up, but…" He trailed off, knowing Chan knew how to fill the rest of the sentence as this was not a new occurrence.</p><p>"Sorry, Sungie. I…"</p><p>"It's okay, Hyung," he soothed comfortingly, his voice gentle and warm. "I know."</p><p>Chan felt lucky. For how rowdy and loud his roommate could get on a normal day, he was also very patient and understanding when it came to moments like these. It was a side of Jisung that not very many people had seen, but Chan had always witnessed how comforting the younger man could be if he wanted to exude that kind of presence for someone he cared about.</p><p>"D-did I wake you?"</p><p>Jisung remained silent but shook his head. Chan knew what that answer meant: he <em>did</em> wake Jisung up, but the latter was far too considerate and concerned at the moment to tell him the truth, knowing how Chan would profusely apologize had he answered the question honestly.</p><p>"Sorry…" he said nonetheless as he brought his face into his hands and tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes. "I-I don't know why I… I just…"</p><p>"You know why, Hyung. And it's okay," Jisung responded as he reached for the glass of water atop Chan's bedside table and handed it to him. This was usually the time he'd try to crack a joke to help Chan's mood lighten up a bit. That's something he'd learned to do over time given the countless nights he'd been woken up by one of Chan's episodes since he moved in as a roommate a year and a half ago. But today was different and he knew that all too well. If there was any day he'd expected Chan to be plagued by yet another nightmare, if there was a day he'd expected Chan to act somber, it was today, the day that marked the eighth year since the accident happened.</p><p>Chan took the glass of water and took a sip, returning the glass to the table himself before using the back of his hand to wipe off the beads of sweat that formed at his temple.</p><p>"Are you okay?" Jisung asked like he always did, and Chan nodded like he always did.</p><p>"What time is it?"</p><p>Jisung stood from his seat to walk to the other side of the room where his bed was. "It's five forty-six," he announced, his phone screen still illuminated as he placed it back down on his bed. It wasn't too bad given that their alarms usually went off at six in the morning; at least they'd only lost fifteen minutes of sleep today. "Want to lay back down for another fifteen minutes or so? I can get you once I'm done in the bathroom."</p><p>"No, it's fine. You go ahead, though. I'll make breakfast while you shower," Chan responded, throwing his legs over the edge of his bed to get up and start his day. He'd dealt with far too many nightmares at this point to not be able to bounce back from them fairly quickly.</p><p>When Chan exited the room, he was greeted by the aroma of brewing coffee and the sound of his other flatmate quietly practicing a rap that Chan had not quite heard before.</p><p>"Morning, Hyung," the other man greeted as soon as he saw Chan sluggishly appear by the hallway, his messy curls indicating that he had just gotten out of bed. "You're up early."</p><p>"<em>You're</em> up early," the older one responded as he marched to the kitchen, not missing the fact that the younger one was already dressed up for work and almost ready to go.</p><p>"I have an early meeting at work today," he pointed out with a shrug, walking by to grab his breakfast from the toaster. "An artist we could potentially collaborate with is from a different time zone so we have to adjust a little."</p><p>Chan nodded in understanding before reaching into the refrigerator to get eggs and orange juice. Sometimes he truly wondered what it was like to work in an entertainment company like Changbin did – seeing the corporate side of things behind all the catchy songs and pretty music videos that were produced for the public – but times like these when Changbin had to wake up extra early, Chan thought maybe he didn't want to know.</p><p>"What about you?" the younger one asked, noticing that it was earlier than the normal time he usually saw his hyung in the morning. He heard the bathroom door close from the other side of their apartment, indicating that Jisung was up as well, and he knew the answer to his question before Chan could even respond. "Nightmare?"</p><p>Chan looked up, his tired eyes giving away the fact that he'd had one too many of those this week. It was a common occurrence during this time of the year, and both Changbin and Jisung knew that. This was the time of the year when he got super sentimental about the friendship he once had but just so easily lost; it was the time of the year when he mulled over the guilt that never went away for playing the part that he did in the accident eight years ago, leading to his best friend's death.</p><p>He didn't need to say anything. Changbin understood. He'd been there since Chan's life had fallen apart, and he'd seen how much of Chan's own mental self-torture he had to overcome to be where he was right now. He understood without the need for words, and Chan was grateful for that.</p><p>The older broke eye contact from the music producer to pour himself a glass of orange juice, but he tilted the juice carton a little too much causing an immediate overflow on the counter and a cuss word or two escaping his mouth.</p><p>"You okay?" Changbin asked as he walked closer. "Need help?"</p><p>"No, it's fine," Chan answered with a wave of his hand before reaching for the paper towels. "It might stain your clothes. I'll clean this up. Don't worry."</p><p>The younger looked at him with concerned eyes. This wasn't the Chan he was used to, but it was the Chan that he'd known in the beginning – the Chan that appeared at least once a year when his mind was preoccupied with nothing but guilt and a little bit of self-loathing. Chan may have not said much about it, but Changbin knew all too well about his older friend's tendencies.</p><p>"Are you about to leave?" the older one changed the subject. "I'm about to make fried rice for breakfast as soon as I clean this up."</p><p>Changbin pouted. "As much as I love your fried rice, I really have to go if I want to make it to the meeting on time. Save some leftovers for me?"</p><p>Chan looked up at him and smiled for the first time today. "Of course."</p><p>"Thanks, Hyung," the younger smiled back as he took one last bite of his toast and ran to the living room to collect his things.</p><p>"By the way, Sungie and I might come home late today, so don't wait for us for dinner. We have a project that is due tomorrow morning, and when our team discussed where we were at yesterday, it sounded like we all have to work late today to get it submitted to a client first thing tomorrow."</p><p>Changbin nodded, already familiar with his two flatmates' occasional late night work schedules.</p><p>Chan met Jisung almost two years ago at work, when the latter started working at Miroh Homes in the same team as the older. Not too long after, they became close acquaintances both within the workspace and outside, their bond strengthened by their common interest in music. Within a few months, Chan introduced Jisung to his then-only-flatmate Changbin, and the rest was history. They made music on the side as stress relief for their hectic workdays, complementing each other's artistic styles and creative genius, and soon they started producing music and posting online content under the name 3RACHA.</p><p>When Jisung had issues with his landlord, Chan and Changbin both willingly offered their apartment to the youngest, their only hesitation stemming from the fact that their unit only consisted of two bedrooms, and they did not want their maknae to sleep on the couch as a permanent set-up. Chan offered his room to Jisung, citing the fact that he was nocturnal anyway, but Jisung insisted that he'd rather sleep on the streets than displace Chan from his own room.</p><p>They soon agreed to share the small space, and both Changbin and Jisung were thankful for what became their final set up because heaven knew someone needed to keep an eye out on Chan to wake him up from his nightmares. Changbin knew that he wouldn't always know from his own room if Chan was having one, so having Jisung right by the older male alleviated his worries that he'd one day lose his older friend from a nightmare death.</p><p>"Okay, Hyung," Changbin said as he approached the door. "See you later then. Good luck on the project."</p><p>"Bye," Chan greeted back before focusing on the remainder of the mess he made in the kitchen. As soon as the last bit of orange juice had been wiped off the counter and floor, he turned to start making breakfast.</p><p>It didn't take long before thoughts of Felix had distracted him once again, and one misstep led to another, causing him to drop a half a tray of eggs on the floor. With a deep sigh, he massaged the bridge of his nose to prevent the headache that was beginning to form behind his eyes.</p><p>This was going to be a long day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Let me know what you think! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Updates to this story are going to happen every other week now. The next couple of chapters are going to be about twice as long as the ones I've posted so far (including this one), and they're already in the works as we speak (yes - a couple of them), but given their length and the fact that I am a pretty slow writer who only gets to write for a few hours per week, I'm trying to space them out to make sure I can stay on top of a consistent post schedule. :)</p><p>Anyway, here we go…</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>If there's one thing Felix knew for sure, it's that he didn't know what exactly was going on.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was very out of character for him to nap under a tree – on a winter night, out on the streets in the middle of a quiet neighborhood – and yet that appeared to have been the case, he quickly realized as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and tried to regain his bearings along with his consciousness. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Unsure as to how he had gotten there and for how long he'd even been there, he quickly sat up and looked around, noting some sort of commotion at the intersection a few meters ahead of him. Opposite that direction, just a few meters behind him, was the closest streetlight that dimly lit the road.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wasn't sure what was happening out there, but he noted a car stopped at the intersection – the door to the driver's side open, engine running, headlights on – as well as a voice or two… although he couldn't quite recognize whose it was or what was being said given his distance from the scene.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He stood up to look around, unsure as to which direction he should go. Should he approach the stranger or should he head towards the light? If he went towards the intersection, he'd at least find a street name or two and determine where exactly he was. If he went the opposite direction, the light might at least give him some idea on what was around and if this part of town was familiar to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Before he could even begin debating with himself, his feet made the decision for him, and he soon found himself walking towards the car. The tree-lined path helped him identify the street he was on: 42nd Street. He'd been here countless times before, and he knew the houses behind the trees like the back of his hand. It was the quiet street he'd walked up and down on to get to and from school almost every single day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he made his way closer, he recognized the intersection he was approaching. 42nd and Levanter Lane. This was the intersection notorious for vehicular accidents; one that residents had sent petitions for over the last couple of years to improve by installing street lights closer and have an overgrown tree trimmed out of the uninhabited corner to get rid of the blind spot that had caused roughly all the accidents in the area.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Relief washed over him for at least a split second, and he was thankful that he knew where exactly he was. If anything, at least he knew his way back home – although he'd need to come up with a pretty darn good excuse when he gets home and his parents question him as to why he'd been out so late and had only come home now at—</em>
</p><p>
  <em>—what time was it anyway?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He fumbled for his phone to check the time but was surprised that he couldn't feel the device on him. Not on the outer pocket of his jacket where he usually had it. Not on the inner pocket, which he opted for as a back-up spot when he was out on a commute. Not on the back pockets of his pants, which he used when he didn't have a jacket on.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His brows slowly furrowed in worry. He didn't have his school bag with him either. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Did he get mugged? As far as he knew, he wasn't hurt. And he had no recollection of such an encounter.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To be honest, it really confused him that the last thing he could remember was lunchtime at school. When he sat next to Chris, who wordlessly offered his chips to him just like he did every single day. When he pulled out his biology homework and asked the older one to check it because he really wasn't sure what he was doing the previous night. When Chris smirked at such a revelation, knowing all too well the cause of Felix's inability to focus on schoolwork the night before. When Felix gushed for the nth time about his nervousness and excitement for tonight's performance—</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Right. The talent show.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix tried to rummage through his memories of the talent show, but couldn't really come up with anything. With it being way past sunset, he was sure he had missed the talent show at this point. But that didn't make sense. He missed it because he fell asleep under a tree? That wasn't right. Something was off. There's no way that could have happened.</em>
</p><p><em>He felt the beginnings of a panic attack come upon him as he tried to think of what was going on. There's no way he could have missed the talent show. That was the highlight of his year – of his life. He'd been looking forward to it for months. There's no way he could have left Chris to fend for himself out there all because he fell asleep. That was impossible. Heck, he's had sleepless nights the past couple of weeks </em>because<em> he's been excited for the talent show. There was no way he'd end up sleeping through it.</em></p><p>
  <em>"Y-yes, I'm doing that now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A panicked voice pulled him away from his thoughts and back into reality.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Quickly, he approached the source of the voice and came to a halt as he stood face-to-face with the car. The door to the driver's seat was open, and Felix could tell from where he stood that no one was inside the vehicle. The voice he heard came from the opposite side of the car – by the passenger's seat. The driver must have been attending to something – or heaven forbid, someone – over there, he assumed.</em>
</p><p><em>Another voice, coming from what sounded like a speakerphone, said something in reply, but his words were lost on Felix as all he could hear was the sound of his own heartbeat. He may have been closely acquainted with the feeling of nervousness since that's what he'd felt all week long about his impending talent show performance with Chris, but </em>this<em>… this was a different kind of nervousness. It wasn't an I'm-nervous-I'll-mess-up-because-I-really-want-to-do-well-in-this-endeavor kind of nervous. It was a someone's-in-trouble-here-but-I-don't-think-I'm-ready-to-find-out-who-or-how kind of nervous. A banging-in-your-chest kind of nervous that momentarily caused him to forget how to breathe.</em></p><p>
  <em>With his mouth agape, Felix took a closer look at the car. The inside may have looked normal, but the outside screamed otherwise. The windshield was shattered and tainted red, the faint color dripping down to the passenger's side of the dented hood where the other person was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This can't be good.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“N-no, he’s not… he’s—he’s still not breathing,” the stranger from the opposite side of the car reported frantically, each word punctuated by a new level of panic. “And he still has no pulse. W-what do I do? Am I doing this wrong?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You need to stop panicking," the person on the line said. Felix could hear it this time through the sound of his heartbeat that pounded on his eardrums. "You cannot help him if you panic. Just keep doing what you're doing. An ambulance is already on the way. ETA is two minutes."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"H-His head is still bleeding a lot," Felix heard the man say between his ragged breaths. Felix could almost feel secondhand anxiety just from the sound of the other person's voice, which Felix actually thought was somewhat familiar, although the urgency of the situation kept him from trying to figure out where he may have heard him before. "I-I can't control his bleeding since I'm—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Focus on resuscitating him," he was cut off, the voice oddly stern yet calm. "If someone else is there, they could help with the bleeding, but since you're the only one there, you need to focus on getting a pulse back."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Upon hearing this, Felix took a step and proceeded to head to the opposite side of the car, his own problems about getting back home now forgotten and seemingly low in his list of priorities. He may have still been confused about his own predicament, but a bigger issue was at hand, and he needed to help the stranger especially since it was a matter of life and death.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Behind the car, the scene began to unfold in his eyes. He saw the victim lying on the pavement, albeit all he could see in the beginning was the victim's feet. Next to him was a blonde-haired man whose back was against him. Felix wondered if this man was the driver of the car, given the guilt and panic that coated his voice as he talked to the emergency operator on the phone. Felix could not see his face, but he could tell from the way he desperately tried to revive the victim, from the way he shakily responded to the operator on the phone, that his fears had brought him to tears.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He looked back at the victim, although all he could see was the lower part of his body, rocking very subtly with each compression his chest received. The patterns on his black sneakers looked somewhat familiar, but Felix tried to ignore that trivial fact and pushed the thought to the back of his mind. That didn’t matter anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Uh, excuse me," Felix began to talk, his throat feeling oddly scratchy as though he hadn't talked for days. "I-I just… I was in the area and I heard you. I-I can help."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix wasn't sure what he was expecting, but he did not expect to be blatantly ignored. He was hoping he'd be given instructions – either by the person currently pumping life back into the victim or by the operator on the phone – but his words seemed to have been lost on both of them.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He walked closer, unsure as to whether he should tap the man on the shoulder to inform him of his presence and availability to help. "Um…" he tried again, pulling his hand back at the last minute and instead speaking out louder. "Hey, mate?"</em>
</p><p><em>Still no response. The man instead just kept going. </em>Maybe he's just too focused on the task at hand<em>, Felix thought to himself as he wondered if he should just spring into action based on what he'd heard earlier. Someone needed to stop the bleeding on the patient's head. Felix nodded to himself – yeah, he could do that. He could at least apply some pressure on the victim's wound to keep it from bleeding any further.</em></p><p>
  <em>He walked over to the other side, deciding he should just position himself by the patient's head, where the bleeding was apparently happening. He knelt next to the patient and noticed that the other person was still oblivious to his presence, his sight still focused on the unconscious person. Felix let out an audible gasp as soon as he was in front of the blonde, seeing that he himself was bleeding profusely on the head, the hair on his forehead visibly matted in dark red.</em>
</p><p>Too much blood<em>, Felix thought to himself as he noted how he couldn't even really figure out what the blonde's face looked like as his features were all but traced with the thick red liquid. He wanted to say something, but no words came out of his mouth.</em></p><p>
  <em>Felix could tell the other person was operating on adrenaline rush alone because if the blood dripping from his head was any indication of how bad his injury was, Felix could tell that there's no way this person should be fully functional right now without at least feeling dizzy from the blood loss.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Lixie…" the blonde uttered in a pleading tone, desperation burning through the mention of the name that caused Felix's breath to hitch. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lixie?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was Chris' nickname for him. He didn't think there'd be more than a few Lixies in Sydney, and if this person were one of them, then what a cruel game was the universe playing with him to have him meet such a person in this kind of way?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Stay with me, Lixie, please."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Come to think of it, that… that sounded like Chris' voice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"C-Chris?" It wasn't until then that Felix decided to pull his eyes away from the blonde to look at the person in front of him, his eyes initially landing on the bloodied green-and-black striped shirt the victim was wearing underneath an openly zipped jacket that had glass shards sticking to it. It looked just exactly like the t-shirt he and Chris chose to get at the mall for the talent show not too long ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With his heart seemingly stuck in his throat, he forced himself to bring his gaze towards the victim's face, whatever remaining composure he had immediately giving out as he found himself staring straight into the victim's open eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To his deepest horror, Felix realized that the boy on the ground staring back at him… was him.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix traced the faint scar on his forehead as he looked at his reflection on the mirror, the reminder of the accident causing him to ponder how far he'd come since the incident that nearly ended his life.</p><p>Looking back, the past eight years had gone by pretty quickly even though most of those days also seemed to drag on forever.</p><p>Back then, his future seemed hopeless, brought into nothing but ruin after a tragedy that he never asked for. But time and again, he proved that he was capable of reshaping his future and beating the odds even though he himself was doubtful that that was even possible.</p><p>His doctor didn't think he was going to survive from his injuries, and yet he managed to get out of his critical condition. </p><p>His doctor didn't think he'd get out of his comatose state, and yet he proved them wrong when he woke up a month after the accident.</p><p>His doctor didn't think he'd be able to walk again and have the capacity to get himself to other places without a crutch or a wheelchair given the damage the accident had caused to his knee, and yet here he was, walking back and forth between his bedroom and bathroom – albeit not without a very minor and almost unnoticeable limp – as he packed up his personal belongings for a flight that leaves the following morning.</p><p>He didn't think he'd be able to finish high school after the physical and psychological traumas he had to endure due to the accident, and yet he now had both a high school and a college diploma under his belt and was ready to take on the new challenges of being in the workforce, the excitement of being a fresh college graduate now wearing off as he mentally prepared himself to be the responsible adult he used to just psych himself up to be.</p><p>He was okay. Actually – maybe considering the circumstances, he was more than okay.</p><p>This was the fresh start he needed. He was going to a place where no one knew about his past. Where no one felt like they knew where this kid with the weird forehead scar and slight limp came from or what he'd endured to get here.</p><p>This was the adult world now. Gone are the days that he had to endure petty remarks about what happened that fateful evening, where people talked as though they knew exactly what happened and how it happened. Gone are the days when he'd once again closed in on himself for feeling like he wasn't worth much, when bullies once again found a way to target him and used his vulnerability to their advantage. Gone are the days when he had to listen through the silent mutterings of people who talked about what a waste of talent he was because he can no longer be the same performer that he used to be.</p><p>No – this was the reset button he always knew he needed, and while he was nervous about the fact that he was going to be getting out of his comfort zone and leaving the only town he'd known since he was born, he was ready for this new beginning.</p><p>"Hey." His thoughts were interrupted when his brother appeared at the open doorway of the bathroom.</p><p>He quickly fixed his hair to cover the scar on his forehead – a skill he'd masterfully learned to do effortlessly after eight long years of practice – as though Minho had never seen that scar before.</p><p>"Ready for tomorrow?"</p><p>He nodded and allowed a small smile to form at his lips. "Yeah. Ready as I'll ever be."</p><p>Minho smiled back at him, his gaze never leaving the younger. He was never the type to be expressive with words when it came to his brother (although Felix would very much disagree considering how many times Minho had scolded him when they were younger), so he simply stared in silent admiration as he watched his brother pick out his concealer from the medicine cabinet behind the bathroom mirror.</p><p>He may have never said it out loud before, or at least not explicitly in front of Felix, but Minho was truly proud of his brother. It took years of nagging the younger before he'd ever gotten to this point, and it was sad to think that the accident had to happen before Felix came to his senses and finally did what was going to be best for him in the long run, but Minho didn't even care. He had his brother here, and the Felix in front of him was the best version of Felix that he'd ever seen. That was the only thing that mattered.</p><p>"What?" the younger one asked when he noticed Minho still standing there and looking at him, his self-consciousness immediately bubbling to the surface as he quickly looked away.</p><p>"I just can't believe my younger brother is about to start his career now. You've come a long way, Felix."</p><p>The younger one smirked. "You talk like I'm forging such a unique career path, when in fact I'm just pretty much following your footsteps."</p><p>"Well…" Minho shrugged. "You're starting your career overseas. I had two years to serve our company here in Sydney. Those are not the same footsteps."</p><p>Minho had always wondered what it was like to work in a different country. Even in his early high school years, he'd already planned out his future and had thought about studying abroad for college and getting a job in one of their companies in whatever country he wanted to live in. With his family owning a multi-billionaire real estate conglomerate with international presence in all the continents, he used to think that that would have been easy to achieve. He had his determination, his skillset, his strong academic background, and his connections – truly, all he needed was to say the word and it would have been done. And that was the plan initially. Until the accident happened and he chose to be by Felix's side. It wasn't an easy choice to make, but it was one he didn't regret especially after seeing how much his brother had changed under his influence.</p><p>"What about you?" the younger one asked as he started to walk back to his room with his hands full of toiletries to pack. "Are you all packed up?"</p><p>Minho followed along and nodded, excitement tugging at the corner of his lip to a small smile.</p><p>Tomorrow, he and Felix were bound to fly for Seoul, where they were to work in one of their newly acquired companies. Their company, Clé Estates, has had multiple closed-door conversations with this Korean real estate company the past two years or so, and as soon as the merge had been finalized, the Lee brothers – among other executive employees – were given the option by their parents to work there to establish the firm as a new Clé Estates company. It was a dream come true to Felix, who had always wanted a chance for a fresh new start, and Minho, who had always wanted to try to live and work abroad. The fact that the two of them got to work and live together in this new place, although they'd be working for different departments, was icing on top.</p><p>"So, uh…" The older of the two started, taking a seat on the younger's bed as he looked at Felix tentatively to gauge whether now was a good time for him to ask the question he's had lingering in his mind for a few days now.</p><p>"You need something?" Felix asked, although his attention focused mostly on the items he was packing.</p><p>"I was just wondering…" he began, the hand in the pocket of his pants grazing over a small object as though it was taunting him. "Are you… do you think… have you made any plans to… I don't know, maybe search for him? Once we're there?"</p><p>The younger looked up briefly before turning back to his bag. "Search for whom?"</p><p>"Y'know…" There was a long pause in the air before Minho managed to utter the name that had been banned from his conversations with his brother for the past eight years. "Chris."</p><p>The way Felix kept doing what he was doing would have convinced Minho that the younger had not heard him had it not been for the awkward atmosphere that suddenly filled the room. Minho bit his bottom lip, regretting he even took the conversation to this direction. He knew his brother did not like this particular topic of conversation. Maybe he shouldn't have ruined the light mood. Maybe Felix was not ready to talk about it.</p><p>"Chris?" Felix finally spoke, his tone almost a question but void of emotion.</p><p>Minho nodded. He got this topic started anyway, he might as well keep going. "Yeah. Wasn't he in Seoul—"</p><p>"I don't know who that is."</p><p>A small smirk crept on his lips as he playfully rolled his eyes. Of course his brother would say that. "Don't play dumb with me, Felix. You know very well who I'm talking about."</p><p>He raised a brow. "I'm not the one dumb enough to bring up a person who doesn't exist into this conversation."</p><p>"Hey—"</p><p>"Like… I just don't understand why you'd even ask that. What makes you think I'd want to go around looking for him? I'm going to Seoul to start my career. To start a new life and bury the past. Not resurrect a friendship that has been buried underground for almost a decade."</p><p>"He was the closest friend you had for a good chunk of your high school life."</p><p>"Yeah, like I said – I want to bury the past. That was high school: the time of my life when I was immature and stupid and thought I could give my life up for someone who wasn't even willing to stick around."</p><p>Minho took his hand out of his pocket and started playing with the edge of the blanket on the bed. "I don't know… Didn't you want to go to Seoul back then to search for him? We just weren't able to because of your injuries and you had a lot to catch up to with schoolwork and all. But now that we're going to be living in Seoul, you have that chance."</p><p>"What is wrong with you?" the younger asked as he stopped what he was doing to look at Minho. "Didn't you hate his guts back then? Why are you even bringing him up now all of a sudden?"</p><p>"Just because I didn't like him in high school as your friend, doesn't mean I'd stop you if you wanted to look for him now that you have a chance—"</p><p>"<em>I don't</em>," he deadpanned as he looked up from the bag he was packing and stared his brother in the eye before continuing. "I don't want to look for him. You know, you used to tell me time is precious because it's something we never get back. Looking for that person is not something I'd want to waste my time on, Hyung. It's not worth it. <em>He's</em> not worth it. He's gone because he chose to leave. Leaving me and not contacting me since then – that was his choice. Not looking for him now is mine."</p><p>"You don't want to find out what happened?"</p><p>"What happened is that he left the country with no concern whatsoever while I was in a coma after saving his damn life. I don't need to hear it all over again, and if there's a small part of me that even wants to hold onto the hope that we'd cross paths again someday, it's the part of me that wants to show him that I made it through and survived, and that I am better off without him. That I don't need him in my life as much as I used to tell him I do."</p><p>"Felix, he still saved your life—"</p><p>"After <em>I</em> saved<em> his.</em> Don't get your facts mixed up, Hyung."</p><p>Minho took a pause as though in thought before finally responding. "I just thought you might need closure, and this might be your chance. That's all."</p><p>Felix scoffed. "I don't need closure from him. He walked out of my life when I needed him the most and he never walked back in after I've waited for him like a desperate idiot. It may have taken me a while to accept that, but now I'm perfectly fine with it. He's out of my life and that's that. Case closed."</p><p>"Okay, fine," Minho agreed as he stood up and approached his brother. "I'm sorry I brought it up."</p><p>"It's okay." Felix faced him. "I know you're concerned, but I've moved on. It's not like I'm still that kid from eight years ago who cared so much. Who cried because every single thing reminded him of his long-lost good-for-nothing so-called best friend. I'm not going to waste my time looking for him, Hyung. I have you. <em>You</em> turned out to be the best brother – best friend – I could ever ask for. Like I told you before, I'm just sorry the accident had to happen for me to realize that."</p><p>Minho smirked. "You know, you didn't have to get sappy. You could have just left it at 'I'm okay now and I won't bother with him.'"</p><p>"Shut up." Felix chuckled as he tossed his Korean vocabulary workbook towards his brother.</p><p>Minho caught the soft-covered book with one hand and set it on the bed. "'Kay, I'm leaving you to pack then," he said as he made his way towards the door. "Don't forget to set your alarm for tomorrow."</p><p>"And the nagger is back," Felix playfully announced.</p><p>"What? Our flight is early in the morning—"</p><p>"I know—"</p><p>"—I'm not the one who takes forever to get ready in the morning."</p><p>"Hey!" Felix laughed.</p><p>"And don't forget to review your Korean. We'll have to be prepared when we get there—"</p><p>"I'm not the one stuck on the chapter on Korean number systems," he teased.</p><p>"Yeah, yeah," the older one waved him off as he disappeared down the hallway to his room. "I'll go study tonight and you'll be impressed with my counting ability tomorrow."</p><p>Felix chuckled to himself as he zipped his bag and sat on his bed, taking the workbook and flipping through the pages to see how much material he still had left to cover. He only had a few chapters left, and he was pretty sure he could get the whole thing done during their flight tomorrow. He was glad he still remembered a bunch of the stuff he'd learned about the Korean language back when he was in high school. Back when he was taught on the side during lunch breaks by Chris—</p><p>His breath got caught in his throat as he followed his own trail of thought, sighing in defeat in the end as he plopped back down on the bed to stare at the ceiling.</p><p>So much for not having every single thing remind him of his long-lost best friend.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for all the kudos and comments. They never fail to brighten my day, so please keep 'em coming! :)</p><p>Speaking of comments… I'm sorry for responding super late to the comments I received in the previous chapter. I really wanted to respond right away, but I had to stop myself for fear of spoiling anything! &gt;.&lt; Rest assured, I greatly appreciate the comments and would love to keep hearing from you. If I don't respond right away, it's only because I'm cautious about giving away details on the next chapter. Haha. Nonetheless, I *will* respond to you, even if it takes a little bit of time!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: blood, injuries, hospitals</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The impact of the accident was strong enough to knock the life out of Felix. Literally.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Now kneeling right next to the unconscious boy who stared blankly back at him from the ground, the young Australian didn't exactly know how he should feel or what he should do to get back to his body. Heck, he didn't even know how he'd left it in the first place.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wasn't sure for how long he sat there in shock, trying to fully grasp the idea that the bloodied person he'd been trying to help this whole time was his best friend and that the person being resuscitated in front of him – the person who actually needed the most help – was him. That he – in this current state – was a soul without a body, a living (perhaps unliving) entity with nothing tangible to guarantee his existence.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The sound of sirens pulled him from his trance and for the first time since he made eye contact with his own glassy, lifeless eyes, he lifted his gaze out of desperation in hopes that someone was coming to save him and help him get back to his own body.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He watched as medics approached the scene, taking over the rescue mission as Chris was pushed over to the side with nothing to do but helplessly watch as they performed their emergency routine. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>From what the young Australian could gather from the conversations surrounding him, apparently he momentarily died at the scene. That was at least until Chris had managed to put a rhythm back into his heart just as they have arrived.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix froze. If he wasn't dead anymore, why was his soul not back in his body? Why was he still out here on the side playing the role of a curious onlooker as though the patient was not him?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His brows furrowed in confusion as he listened in on the medics' conversation in front of him. They were talking about what grave condition he was apparently in, but Felix had a hard time believing that what they were saying actually applied to him. He was fine. He felt no pain. He was very confused given his situation, but for the most part, he physically felt great. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Hearing them say that he was barely hanging on to dear life – that he was actually dead for however long it took for Chris to revive him – almost made him want to question everything he thought he knew. Had it been a normal day, he'd be having a panic attack by now after receiving such news. Except he had no lungs to fill with air nor a heart to calm down… although he could very much experience in this state what it's like to hyperventilate (he had done so earlier) and feel as though he's hearing his heartbeat rumble against his eardrums (that also happened not too long ago).</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tried to pay attention to the conversations going on around him in hopes that he would find some answers to his questions. Maybe they had some useful information to offer even though they did not even know he was out here. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Between the policemen talking amongst themselves just behind him as they tried to investigate the vehicle, the medics who were talking about how to best secure his body on a stretcher so they can transport him to a hospital, and Chris' wailing that soon turned into wheezing, he wasn’t sure where to focus. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He had no memories of the accident, so he wanted to listen to what the police had discovered. But his body was in a dire situation right now and he needed to get back to it, so he wanted to keep himself focused on what the medics were saying. But then there's also Chris.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If Felix's soul had a heart, it would have broken into pieces by now as he heard the sobs coming from his best friend. Blood and tears mixed together on his face, and Felix wanted nothing more than give his hyung a warm, gentle hug to assure him that everything will be okay – even though he himself didn't know whether there was any truth to that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His life was but an uncertainty. He was slowly learning that the hard way now. But even though he did not know what the future held – whether he and Chris were actually going to be okay after this or not – he wanted to stay positive if at least to help calm his best friend.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"H-hyung…" he whispered as he crawled farther away from his body and closer to his distraught friend who, at this point, was leaning against the front tire of the car, struggling to control his own breathing from all his emotions. "I-I'm right here, Hyung…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he'd expected, Chris did not even react to anything he said. It was just as though he wasn't there at all. Shakily, he reached out his hand, wanting to cup his best friend's face and wipe away the blood that was dripping so dangerously close to his eyes. He willed to make himself perceptible, if at least for this split second so he could provide comfort to the person who saved his life, to no avail. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tried touching him. He tried holding him. But then he couldn't feel Chris. Just as Chris couldn't feel him. And once again, Felix felt as though that alone was enough to break him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If he was going to be stuck in this limbo for who knows how long, he wasn't sure he'd make it. Not without being seen or heard. Not without being able to touch. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix loved physical contact. It was his means of showing affection towards everyone that meant a lot to him. Living without the ability to feel and be felt was to him akin to not living at all.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Sir, we need to get you to the hospital too." </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix looked up to see one of the paramedics crouched next to Chris, a worried expression on her face as she took a look at the open wound on his hairline. From a distance, Felix saw his own body being loaded into the closest ambulance.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"N-no…" Chris shook his head violently as he choked on his tears. "Not me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"J-just take care of Felix. P-please." He sobbed in desperation. His hands that used to be so pale but was now marked with his younger friend's blood reached up to her to grab her arm as he pled through his tears. "Please s-save Lixie."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Sir, you need to be brought in too. You're bleeding from the head. We need to get you stitched up and checked for other injuries."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm… I'm fine…" he insisted, ignoring the pain he was now starting to feel throughout his body as the adrenaline that came with resuscitating his friend started to wear off. "I wasn't… I wasn't the one hit by the car. L-Lixie – please save Lixie…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyuuuuung," Felix cried in frustration, wanting to slap some sense into the older boy even though he knew that physical contact was not possible at the moment. "Hyung, please. Your head is bleeding like an open faucet." He begged as though Chris could hear him, noting the blood on the concrete right next to where Chris knelt earlier. There was no way that was from Felix given the position they were in not too long ago. "Don't you have any idea how much blood you're losing?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"S-save Lixie…" he repeated with what sounded like a delirious voice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“A pair of paramedics are working on him right now. They are going to continue stabilizing him on the way to the hospital," the woman explained, slowly taking hold of Chris' arms to slowly coax him into the other ambulance. "All you need to do is get into the other ambulance so we can get you checked as well. We have a team dedicated to Felix, so don't feel as though you getting medical help takes away his chance to live."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris didn't say a word, but he slowly relaxed his tense shoulder muscles upon hearing this.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Are you able to stand and walk?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He silently nodded and tried to get to his feet but the smallest of movements immediately made him realize that his head injury might have been more severe than he'd initially expected. Lightheadedness soon took over him, and he stumbled back to the ground before he could even stand up. Chris brought a hand up to his head, confusion setting in as to why he had a sudden onset of dizziness. "I don't… I don't feel good," he muttered, unsure as to whether he actually verbalized how he felt or if it was just something he thought to himself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Okay." She nodded and helped him rest his back against the tire of the car again. "I'll go get a stretcher for you. Please try to stay awake. I'll be back soon."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With that, she quickly disappeared, and Felix was left alone to tend to Chris although he was helpless because there was nothing he could do or say to keep the latter's worries at bay. Chris slowly started to drift away, his eyelids getting heavier by the second, and it didn't help that the blood dripping down his eyes forced him to either wipe it away – which at this point was too much work – or simply close his eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung…" Felix wanted so bad to shake him awake, but not being able to touch the other only heightened his frustration at the situation. "Hyung, stay awake for me, please."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His request fell on deaf ears, and Chris was soon found by the medic unconscious against the car. Soon he was transported to the other ambulance, and Felix was faced with the dilemma of deciding which one to ride on. Not that it mattered much because he was but a being merely floating on air at this point, but he wished if he had any power other than invisibility right now, that he could be in two places at once.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He desperately wanted to get back to his body so he could live again, so he can be there for Chris again, but he also wanted to join the other ambulance so he could stay updated on what was going on with his friend. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>See, from the beginning, Chris was always there for him. He was always the one Felix had turned to in times of trouble, and during those times, he honestly didn't even have to ask. In fact, he met Chris during one of the many times he stared at trouble directly in the eye during his first year in high school, and Chris had voluntarily inserted himself into the scene just as Felix was in the verge of regretting ever living through high school knowing that he was once again going to be the target of school bullies. But somehow Chris knew when and where he was needed, and he always turned up at the right place and at the right time, and Felix couldn’t be more grateful to him for simply existing in his life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Today, he just wanted to return that favor. He just wanted to be there for Chris even though he knew that the things he could do for him were limited.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the end he chose to join his body in the first ambulance, hoping that somehow he'd manage to get back in it while they were en route to the hospital. Maybe if the stars all lined up, he'd survive this accident, have his body and soul sync up again, and then he and Chris could recover together.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Both ambulances arrived at the hospital at the same time, and Felix was relieved that at least both of them were not in worse conditions now than they were when they left the scene. Multiple nurses met them at the entrance of the emergency room, and they were wheeled into opposite directions. Felix blindly followed his own stretcher, unaware that he'd lost track of where Chris had been brought since they arrived.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The wait that came with all the medical tests and procedures his body had to undergo weighed him down. He'd long given up on trying to understand what the doctors and nurses were saying given the unusual amount of medical jargon they were using, so he instead settled on the thought that the sooner they figure out what's wrong with him, the sooner his body will be fixed and the sooner he'd be able to go back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wanted to look for Chris while he waited, but the fear of not being able to find his way back to his body had paralyzed him at the corner of the operating room he was in. He didn't know how long he was there for, but he slowly realized from the amount of time it was taking them to work on his body that getting back to it might not be as easy as he had hoped. If the medical professionals couldn't get his injuries under control, how would he be well enough to even wake up?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It wasn't until a few hours later that he found himself in a dimly lit room, staring at the body that once was his. Underneath the thin cotton blanket was a shadow of who he used to be, barely recognizable and someone he would have mistaken for a stranger had he not known all along that the person he was looking at was actually him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He moved forward, one little step at a time, until he was close enough to actually try to touch his own body. Had it not been for the bed railing, he would have taken a seat at the very small vacant spot on the bed – one that was not occupied by a pillow for support or the extra padding of a cast or a bundle of wires that connected him to the apparatus that kept him alive. Instead he remained standing next to the bed as he allowed himself to take in what was in front of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His head was fully wrapped up in a bandage, keeping his raven hair completely out of sight. Dried blood and scars connected the little freckles that dotted his face, and a large bruise made his left cheekbone a lot more prominent than the other. A breathing tube forced air into his lungs through his mouth, and his neck was supported by a sturdy brace that dug into his collarbone. From what he could see beneath the hospital gown he was wearing, red and blue hues formed the beginnings of large bruises on his chest underneath the wires that connected him to some of the machines next to the bed. To his side, his heavily bandaged left arm rested in a sling, and his left leg, though out of view, was obviously in a cast. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"W-what happened to you, Felix?" he choked out as he tried to subdue the shock that overcame him upon seeing himself like this. "Why… How'd you get to this?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Silent murmurs just by the doorway of the room took his attention, and soon he found himself walking towards the direction where the sound of soft sobs was coming from.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His mother.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Beneath the doctor's warm and sympathetic voice was his mother's soft cries, further triggered when the words "comatose state" came out of the doctor's mouth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd never seen or heard her cry before. Not once in his fourteen and a half years of existence. He was never really close to her since her maternal instincts had long been veiled by her strict persona – it was a side of her that she'd developed as a successful businesswoman even before Felix was born. She loved him, that much he knew. But it wasn't the kind of emotion that she'd freely expressed in the past given that her rational, disciplinarian side always overruled other facets of her personality. She was never emotional and never vulnerable, so seeing her cry now while leaning into his older brother's embrace came as a surprise. The fact that he was the cause of this made it all the more harder for Felix to see.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We're waiting for the results of the scans right now," the doctor explained. "We have yet to determine whether he had fallen into a coma because he had temporarily stopped breathing, thus causing a lack of oxygen in his brain, or if he had sustained structural injuries to his brain due to the accident."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix felt weak. How could he have gotten into such a mess?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The blunt trauma he received to his chest led to a bruising of his heart muscle," the doctor continued. "That, along with the multiple broken ribs that caused him a punctured lung, is why we connected him to a chest tube to prevent fluid and air buildup in his chest."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>More and more, Felix could not believe what he was hearing as the doctor kept going on with a litany of their findings. In addition to everything he's heard so far, he apparently also had a fractured sternum, a broken neck, a pelvic fracture, and a dislocated knee that required him to undergo surgery.</em>
</p><p><em>How it was possible for him to sustain this many injuries when he didn't even have any recollection of the accident itself or the minutes or hours leading up to it? It almost felt like he was a spectator on a show – a show that began before he managed to secure his front-row seat. A show he didn't want to watch but </em>had to<em> watch. A show he wished was not about him.</em></p><p>
  <em>Soon his family was allowed into his room in the Intensive Care Unit, and he quietly followed along, unsure as to what he could say or do to change their current situation. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He helplessly watched as his mother sat beside him with tears in her eyes. Her fingers rubbed against the back of his right hand so delicately, as though fearing that any form of physical touch could cause more discomfort in the already overly injured boy. Felix himself shed a few tears of his own as he listened to her whisper to him sweet nothings and words of comfort he'd never heard from her before. On the one hand, his heart was full; only now had he realized how much he ached to hear such words from his own mother. On the other hand, he questioned whether this all had to happen just so he could see this side of her. Was this really what it took for her to love him the way he wanted her to?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He watched his brother stand there by the foot of his bed, baffled for once as though nothing in his strong academic career had ever prepared him for such a situation. Growing up, Felix had always tried to avoid Minho since the latter always had something to say. More often than not, they were words of criticism: criticism for the fact that they seemingly had very different values, priorities, and personalities; criticism for the fact that Felix couldn't grow up and do well in school and make his parents proud just like Minho did at such an early age. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>This time, Minho was speechless. For once, he had nothing to criticize in Felix. Or if he had, this was the rare occasion where he kept it to himself. Felix wondered if deep inside Minho was cussing him out for being stupid enough to get himself into this kind of trouble. Judging from experience, that was definitely something he would have expected. Only, his harsh words don't come this time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho stood there almost like a statue, words caught in his throat and emotions frozen in the depths of his cold heart as he watched his brother fight for his own life. Yes, he always had something to criticize in Felix, but that didn't mean he wanted anything bad to happen to him. He just wanted what was best for him, even though he knew the younger boy would never understand where he was coming from.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Have you called your father?" their mother breaks the silence in the room as soon as the initial rush of her emotions started dying down.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix just now noticed that his father wasn't even in the room with them. He'd been so used to him being away in his business trips that considering their family as a unit of three instead of four almost came naturally to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yes," Minho responded. "He said he'll head here directly from the airport when his flight lands tomorrow."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Lee simply nodded in acknowledgment and turned back to the unconscious boy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I already called your secretary too," he continued as he stood still in place, shoulders tensed and hands inside the pockets of his pants as though he didn't know how to act in their current situation. "I had her cancel all your schedules for tomorrow so you can focus on Felix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For the first time since she'd arrived in the hospital, a small smile made its way to her lips. "Thank you," she mouthed.</em>
</p><p><em>That was Minho, the perfect son. </em>Of course he'd have everything taken care of<em>, Felix thought with a bittersweet smile. He was glad Minho was here. If not for him, at least for his mother. He was a good son. He took care of his family. If not for the countless scoldings he'd received from him since he was a child, Felix probably would have considered him a good brother too. Unfortunately, he had yet to get to that point.</em></p><p>
  <em>"Have you heard about the other kid?" Mrs. Lee asked, pulling Felix away from his rumination.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho looked at her inquisitively. "Chris?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She nodded, the expression on her face frigid. "The kid who did this to Felix, yes."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix felt as though cold water had been poured all over him. How could he have forgotten all about Chris? How could he have been so focused on his own condition that he forgot all about his friend who restored him back to life before the medics could get to him? Even worse, how could they put the blame on Chris for what happened?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mom, from what the police said earlier, Chris was not the one who ran Felix over with a car."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She stood from her seat and walked over to where her eldest son stood. "It doesn't change the fact that he's the reason your brother is in this condition right now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix couldn't make sense of what they were saying, and he hated the fact that he couldn't remember anything to verify the truth in their words. How could she say such a thing? From what he could recall, Chris had suffered just as much – perhaps not physically, but he saw the emotional trauma the other had been through. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Isn't that the same guy we told your brother to stay away from?" she asked. "The guy who got him joining the dance club and the culinary club instead of the clubs that you're part of?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho swallowed a lump in his throat as he remembered the countless arguments he had with Felix about this before. "Yes."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She paused in thought before turning back to him. "Have you heard about his condition?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho looked down, almost disappointed in himself for not having anything to report to her. "No."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Can you find that out for me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He nodded so quickly as though he was thankful for the opportunity to step out of the room and make himself useful in any way that had nothing to do with providing emotional support.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It didn't take long until he had returned to the room with information on Chris. As soon as he heard Minho's report to his mother, Felix stepped away from his own room and began treading his way towards his best friend. Walking down the hallways of the quiet yet busy ICU department, he took mental notes on how he might try to find his way back to his own room later.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Actually, it didn't matter as much to him now if he got lost on his way back. He knew hospitals had signs and directions everywhere, and he surely would be able to figure it all out later when his heart was no longer pounding and his mind was no longer racing through all the possible things that could have happened to his best friend.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For a minute, he felt guilty. Selfish, even. For taking his sights away from the person who saved him at the scene. For not even remembering to look for him or check on him because he was too focused on his own condition. Ever since he started being friends with Chris, he had moments where he felt like he didn't deserve the older guy's presence in his life. This moment probably could top them all.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A certain tug on his intuition had pulled him to all the right directions, and soon he found himself standing right in front of the room that he was looking for. He didn't have to open the door to be able to enter. It still felt odd, honestly… being able to walk through walls and do things that no one could see. But Felix didn't care about any of that. Right now, he just wanted to see his best friend.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As soon as he'd walked into the room, an eerie silence fell upon his ears as he took in the sharp contrast of his room to his best friend's. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Whereas Felix was connected to tubes, machines, liquids, and everything else that kept him artificially alive, Chris was only connected to a bag of fluids that hung by a pole next to his bed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Whereas Felix's entire body was wrapped in some sort of medical dressing – bandages, casts, slings, and braces – Chris only had part of his head bandaged and his forearms wrapped in splints.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Whereas Felix's room was filled with the sounds of his mother's soft sobs and brother's quiet voice underneath the regular beeping of the machines that monitored his body's activity, Chris' was deadly silent.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Whereas Felix had his family surrounding him and waiting for him to wake up, Chris had no one.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Somehow that hurt him the most.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Not the fact that he was doing worse than his best friend in all physical aspects, but the fact that his best friend had no one with him at this time. It had been hours since they were brought to the hospital; surely, Chris' family had been contacted by now. He really hoped Chris' parents and brother would be here soon because he would definitely need someone to rely on for support when his peaceful slumber gets interrupted by the traumatic reality of the evening.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tears began to form in Felix's eyes without him knowing as he slowly walked closer to his best friend's sleeping form. A sigh escaped his lips as a tear fell down his cheek. He was thankful his best friend was okay. He was thankful that his best friend was right here.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That one tear and the illusion of a touch of his hand on his best friend's was all it took to open the dam of his emotions, and soon he found himself openly crying as the events of the day had all come crashing down on him. It took every ounce of his energy to keep his emotions at bay all night, but it took one look at his best friend's pale face – his one constant source of reassurance – for him to let go. Just the same way that Chris was the one person who showed him that he could let go of his inhibitions and insecurities and live as though he was in the greatest quest for what it is he truly wanted to do with his life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Suddenly, Felix felt an overwhelming need. A need for this evening to undo itself. A need for the scars in his body, heart, and mind to disappear. A need for him and his best friend to be okay. A need to be in the receiving end of his best friend's warm, cuddly hugs that always gave him the sense that everything would be okay. The ones the older boy once described to be akin to honey, caramel, vanilla, and chocolate all at once. The ones that Felix always jokingly tried to resist even though deep inside, he always reveled in them. </em>
</p><p><em>The ache of wanting to hug Chris was soon eclipsed by the pain of not being able to. He may have placed his hand on top of his best friend's but it almost felt like resting his hand on thin air. He moved closer to feel the familiar warmth of his best friend, but he couldn't even feel the air coming out of Chris' lungs. Trying to wrap an arm around his sleeping form almost felt like wrapping an arm around something that was merely imaginary – something he couldn't sense nor perceive, something that almost felt nonexistent. It made him feel as though </em>he<em> was nonexistent.</em></p><p>
  <em>More tears took over him as his desperation increased to its maximum. Had he known he'd find himself in this situation where he couldn't feel anything and couldn't be felt by others, he wouldn't have resisted all those hugs his best friend gave him in the past. In fact, he probably would have given all of them to Chris himself without the older boy even having to ask. Looking back, Felix sometimes acted like they were a bother, but in reality they were a great source of comfort, especially for him who had never really grown accustomed to any form of physical expressions of love from his own family.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Comfort. Felix could use a hell of a lot of comfort right now. Unfortunately, comfort evaded him like the plague. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>If only everything had worked itself out so he could find comfort in one of Chris' hugs once again.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"Are you excited?"</p><p>The voice of his co-worker broke Chan's concentration on the email he was reading as he pulled his gaze away from the monitor in front of him to look at his associate. "Excited about what?"</p><p>"What do you mean excited about what?" Hyunjin asked in return, an unamused look forming in his features, as he placed his own cup of carryout coffee on the desk in front of him and pulled his chair out from beneath it. "Today's the day of big announcements. You know what that means."</p><p>Jisung lifted his gaze from the paperwork in front of him. "No, he doesn't."</p><p>"More like he's trying not to entertain the thought," Seungmin, who had just walked in behind the tallest guy, corrected both of them as he docked his laptop to his work station.</p><p>Jisung looked at him, a playful glimmer in his eyes prompting a smirk from Seungmin, before they synchronously mimicked their team leader with the phrase he's used countless times before whenever their conversations led to this topic. "I don't want to come to that meeting with any expectations."</p><p>"I mean, I know what you mean. But also, I just don't get it," Hyunjin countered. "You <em>have </em>to be promoted to manager. No one else around here deserves that title more than you."</p><p>Chan chuckled. "You have a little too much faith in me, Hyunjin."</p><p>"No, I don't," he deadpanned. "You have too little faith in yourself."</p><p>That was Chan's team: a group of three hard-working twenty-four year-old men who looked up to him in ways he didn’t think he deserved. He knew he led them well over the past year or so, but not in such a way that he personally considered was extraordinary. Somehow he never understood why his team members took every opportunity to shower him with praises when in reality, he was just doing his job.</p><p>Their group was officially referred to in their company as the content creation team of the marketing department. They all pretty much were called content specialists, except for Chan who was officially called the lead content specialist, and while their team was cross-trained amongst themselves to be able to help each other out as needed, they each had their own specialty and area of expertise.</p><p>Jisung was the "newest" member of their team, although such a term could be used very loosely considering it's almost been two years since he started working at Miroh Homes. He was good with words, his quick wit and sense of humor always giving his articles a nice flavor that was uniquely his. Shortly after he started working with the team, he had established himself as the team member most fit to take care of majority of the written content to be published in both printed media and online articles.</p><p>Seungmin started working at Miroh Homes just four months before Jisung did. His diligence and conscientiousness about his work quickly won over his seniors, and despite his quiet and serious personality, he was very easy for everyone to get along with. While he was an all-around worker, he easily gravitated more towards projects that had more to do with video editing and graphic design given that such projects were more in line with his interests outside of work.</p><p>Hyunjin began his term with Miroh Homes just two months before Seungmin, being the second most senior member of their team. He made quite an impression on Chan from the very beginning (although they worked the same rank at that time) because of the way his work ethic mirrored that of the older man. Hyunjin leveraged his interest in social media to come up with skillfully created content for online audiences, and soon he became the point person for such items.</p><p>And then there was Chan.</p><p>Out of the four of them, Chan had been with Miroh the longest, beginning his tenure with the company four years ago when he was hired as an administrative assistant. It was a full-time job he juggled with his studies while he worked towards earning his associate's degree, a feat he did not think was possible at the time given the hardships he's had to face just to get there. Two years into the job, after he had graduated and received his communications degree, he joined the company's marketing department, where within a year of his transfer, he had proven himself worthy of being promoted to team lead.</p><p>Chan was what his underlings called the "captain of the crew," known for his ability to manage the team's workload, successfully delegate tasks equally among the team members, represent the team in department meetings, and coordinate with other teams in their office to ensure that the demands placed on the group were reasonable given their working capacity. In addition to being his team's biggest cheerleader, he also worked as the editor. In the past year, he had also been delegated the marketing department's translator given his fluency in both Korean and English, which benefited the company's efforts to widen their market to English-speaking audiences.</p><p>When the department manager gave his resignation notice a month ago, rumor had it that Chan was up for promotion to said position. It all made sense. Everyone knew that he was a born leader and he had it in him to handle more higher-level responsibilities than what he currently had. There was no other candidate that would have been better suited for the job than him – unless the company decided to hire from outside rather than promote someone internally.</p><p>"But why would the company even want to do that?" Seungmin reasoned out once when Chan pointed out the possibility of the company hiring someone else. "That doesn't make any sense since you already know the company's current clients and target market, not to mention the ins and outs of everything here in Miroh at this point."</p><p>He really did have a point. But nonetheless, until Chan got the official notice that he was being promoted, he did not want to get his hopes up.</p><p>After wrapping up their team's projects for the day and ensuring that they did not have any last-minute urgent requests in their team inbox, they all made their way towards the office's conference hall, where the annual all-firm meeting usually took place.</p><p>After having been part of three other all-firm meetings before, Chan knew better than to be extra excited and curious about this one as he had been in the past. After all, the all-firm meeting's agenda usually consisted of speeches from the company's executives, updates on how the company was doing economically, and formal announcements on who gets promotions during this cycle, followed by a two-hour mini celebration. There wasn't really much for him to look forward to since the same updates and announcements usually came to the office the following day in written form anyway.</p><p>This year, though, was different. For weeks now, there have been rumors within the office about Miroh Estates being bought out and acquired by a much bigger company, but there had been no confirmation of such news despite word going around. Even the name of the supposedly bigger company was all kept a secret among the higher ups of the company, so none of the employees knew much of the details. It was widely speculated that today was the day they'd find answers to those questions, as the marketing team had been pinged ahead of time this year to ensure they were prepared to capture any pertinent information from this year's afternoon event because they would have to publish content to the public within the next couple of days.</p><p>"Chan Hyung," Jisung called as the group made their way to the building's conference hall.</p><p>Chan took a glance around before giving Jisung a warning look. He only let the younger get away with using such a familiar title because no one else was currently around. Otherwise, Chan would have reminded the younger one that he can't just be calling him hyung while they were at the workplace.</p><p>"If you get promoted to manager, that means you'll be getting Manager Choi's old office and you won't be using a workstation next to our desks anymore," Jisung noted with a pout. "Promise me you won't lock yourself in your office and work there 24/7. I don't want to miss seeing your face too much."</p><p>"Don't be too dramatic, Sungie," Hyunjin teased lightly. "You live with Chan Hyung. You'll definitely still see his face. Seungmin and I though…"</p><p>"Yeah, we know how Chan Hyung works," Seungmin agreed. "He'd get in super early before everyone does, then he'll close the door to his office so he could focus on all the stuff he needs to do, never to be seen by the light of day ever again, and then leave at the end of the day after everyone's gone."</p><p>Hyunjin sighed. "The only time we'll probably ever see him is when he leaves his office for a meeting or a bathroom break–"</p><p>"–or when he's about to grab a pineapple juice pack from the community fridge."</p><p>"You guys, stop," Chan said but not without a small chuckle. His teammates knew him a little too well. "We don't even know if it's happening."</p><p>"Would you want it to happen?" Seungmin asked. "Do you want to be promoted, Hyung?"</p><p>"I mean, of course I do. I just don't want to get my hopes up," he explained. "Besides I don't know if I'm ready to leave you guys for a broader group of people to lead. I kind of really enjoy the camaraderie we have as a small group."</p><p>"To be honest, if I'm being selfish, I don't want you to leave us. I don't really want any outsider being our new team leader…" Hyunjin noted quietly, bringing his voice to a hush as they entered the conference hall. They walked over to the set of two long tables delegated to the marketing department, claiming their seats next to each other by setting their belongings on the table.</p><p>They came in earlier than most employees because they had to help the admin team ensure that everything was prepared and that all potential technological issues were squared away. The four of them kept busy with their respective tasks, and soon the room was filled with silent chatter from the employees who have slowly piled in.</p><p>The event began in no time, and soon the president of the company was in front of everyone on stage, clad in his usual business attire with a microphone in hand. "You all probably know by now that today is a big day, and I'm sure most – if not all – of you are curious as to what this news is and how it will impact you," he teased as he looked around the room, his gaze stopping at the VIP table on the side of the room opposite from where the marketing department sat.</p><p>The guests at that table nodded along as they listened intently to the rest of the president's speech. Chan's curiosity prompted him to glance at the guests at the table, noting that all of them had unfamiliar faces although it was hard to confirm this given his distance from that particular table.</p><p>"It is such a great honor to be able to announce to you today that after years of consideration, countless meetings and video conferences across continents, and careful evaluation by the executive committee, Miroh Homes is going to be merging with Clé Estates, effective August 1st."</p><p>Murmurs began to spread across the room as employees wondered what this might mean for them. Chan knew he was supposed to focus on the rest of what the president was saying, but somehow his listening skills have gone out the window as a burning question nagged at him from the back of his mind incessantly.</p><p><em>Clé Estates.</em> Why did that name sound so familiar?</p><p>Chan felt incompetent for a short while. As someone who works for the marketing department, he should have at least known something about this company, but for some reason nothing was coming to mind. He tried to rack his brain, hoping to figure out where he'd heard of that company before and in what context, but the next thing he knew, the president was already stepping off the stage and handing out the microphone to whoever the next speaker was.</p><p>He made a mental note to bug Seungmin later so he can watch the video of the rest of the president's speech when he was no longer distracted by questions he couldn't quite answer.</p><p>The head of HR eventually stepped onto the stage and invited the audience to congratulate their colleagues who were being promoted. She went through each department and happily announced the names of the employees who were stepping up the ladder in the company. Second to the last was the finance department, which, as was just announced today, was going to be co-managed and directed by the Miroh Estates current finance head and the eldest son of the owner of their new parent company, Lee Minho.</p><p>Upon hearing this, Chan's brain automatically drifted back to the days he still lived in Sydney. The days he encountered briefly his best friend's brother who always seemed to give him nothing but the cold shoulder. He resembled the man in front of him, if Chan squinted through the spotlight that shone towards the man who stood up and bowed in front of everyone from the VIP table. If Lee Minho wasn't such a common Korean name, Chan would have been sarcastically amused at the way the universe worked had he ended up being co-workers with his high school best friend's brother.</p><p>But Chan knew that was unlikely. From what Felix told him back then, Minho was very much a family person. He did everything for his parents, so the idea of him working abroad, away from his parents who, Chan assumed, still lived in Sydney seemed a little far-fetched.</p><p>It's not like Chan wanted to cross paths with him at work anyway. Last he'd talked to anyone from back home, he'd been told that Felix had died from his injuries after Chan left the country – Felix died because he tried to save Chan, and that was why Chan had died to himself too all those years ago, merely going with the ebb and flow of his life now but not without the guilt and self-resentment veiled by the smile he'd always worn that practically fooled everyone.</p><p>He hadn't quite forgiven himself for all of that yet, and if Minho was half the family man Felix used to describe him as, he was pretty sure Minho hadn't forgiven him yet either for being the reason he lost his brother.</p><p>Chan's attention was brought back to the event when Jisung nudged him on the knee, looked at him with his big, round, hopeful eyes, and signaled that he was crossing his fingers for his hyung. Apparently, they were now moving onto the promotions for the marketing department.</p><p>"As you all know, the head manager position for the marketing department had recently been vacated due to Manager Choi's departure. Fortunately, we didn't even have to look far for a replacement."</p><p>Hyunjin suppressed a squeal. "That's <em>you</em>!" he excitedly whispered to Chan, who simply smiled back at him and turned his gaze back to the HR Head.</p><p>"As we've told you countless times already today," she continued, "we feel like the merge came at the most opportune time, and we truly believe that this is also true for the marketing department. Similarly to the finance department, management has decided to take this opportunity to have a representative from our new home base within our office to help us fully transition into the Clé Estates family. That said, is it my pleasure to welcome our new marketing head manager, the youngest son of Clé Estates' founders and owners, Lee Felix."</p><p>
  <em>Lee… Felix? </em>
</p><p>Cold sweat began to form at the nape of Chan's neck, making the room suddenly feel too stuffy and frigid at the same time. The universe must have really been playing tricks on him because there was no way he was hearing his best friend's name blaring through the speakers.</p><p>Unlike the other familiar name announced earlier, Lee Felix is not a common Korean name. Neither was it a common name in general. This would have been just a weird coincidence… <em>right?</em></p><p>His eyes traveled back to the VIP table as he scanned the area for the familiar face of his best friend. This Lee Felix did resemble the Lee Felix he used to know, but just by a bit. Clad in a blue grey suit jacket that was perhaps half a size bigger than his body frame, he carried himself with such a regal posture, even when he was seated. Chan couldn't help but notice even from afar that his honey blonde hair accentuated the natural tan on his skin. This was definitely different from the Felix he knew – the boy who preferred cargo pants over slacks and hoodies over coats. The boy who loved his naturally dark hair just as much as he loved teasing Chan back then for going blonde when he couldn't even retouch his hair often enough to hide his dark roots.</p><p>This Lee Felix was different. Also definitely more mature.</p><p><em>Probably because he's eight years older now than the last time you've seen him,</em> Chan's brain supplied for him, and the beating of his heart against his ribcage only intensified at the thought. <em>No, what am I thinking? That can't be.</em></p><p>Part of his brain rejected the idea that this Felix and the Felix he went to high school with are one and the same, even though deep inside he wished for it to be true if only to ease the pain of his friend's passing – the pain that continued to linger in his chest years after learning of what happened to Felix when he left Australia.</p><p>But no. There had to be some kind of mistake. There was no way these two men were the Lee brothers he'd known back in high school. He'd been told that Felix was gone. And even if he wasn't, well… wouldn't Felix have been in Australia? Why would he be <em>here </em>in Seoul?</p><p>As if on cue, someone from the stage gave the audience some background information on the new marketing head manager, confirming that Clé Estates was an Australia-based company, and that the Lee brothers were both heirs to the growing company's owners.</p><p>With his mouth agape and his eyes widening at the realization of who his new boss could be, Chan wore a stupefied expression while watching the subject of his attention stand from his seat at the VIP table, and just like his brother did earlier, took a bow in front of everyone who congratulated him with a round of applause.</p><p>Slowly, the dots all connected in his head now. That was probably why Clé Estates was such a familiar name. He must have heard it from Felix back then. That probably also meant that he wasn't wrong about the Lee Minho that was introduced earlier. He must have been the Lee Minho he'd known back in high school.</p><p>Chan may have very well forgotten how to breathe. Was he in the middle of a strange dream? Because at this point, after praying so hard for eight long years for some way he could undo everything that happened that night, for the chance of a do-over if it meant keeping Felix alive, it was very far from likely for him to actually find his best friend alive and well – as though nothing happened back then – right here at work.</p><p>Felix – the one thing from his life in Australia that he wanted back in his current life – was right here. Right now. Right in front of him. And not only that; he was also going to be working with him. Never mind about his non-promotion. He wasn't expecting much from that anyway, and to be honest, he did not care about not being promoted if it meant having his best friend back in his life. He truly couldn't have asked for anything better.</p><p>"Well, that was shitty."</p><p>Seungmin's voice pulled Chan's attention back to reality, and only then had he realized that the program was now over and that some of the employees were now mingling with each other in the room, some chatting amongst themselves over a glass of wine, and some chattering away at their seats with curious wonder in their eyes about what the future held for their jobs.</p><p>"I second that," Hyunjin added. "That Felix dude doesn't even look half as experienced as Chan Hyung. How could they just give him the highest position in the department just because he's the new owner's son?"</p><p>"Whatever happened to the idea of starting from the bottom up?" Jisung interjected.</p><p>"Guys, it's really okay," Chan said, forcing a reassuring smile even though his heart pounded at the thought of the new manager being his high school best friend.</p><p>Jisung looked at him suspiciously. "Really? You don't look too okay."</p><p>Chan opened his mouth to respond, but was cut off by an excited voice coming from someone else from the other end of their table. "Looks like the new boss is coming to meet us!"</p><p>He followed the direction of his co-worker's gaze, just towards the other marketing table right next to theirs. His new boss – this Lee Felix – had his back turned against him as he talked to members of the business development team and shook their hands. Chan can tell from the way his co-workers smiled back at their boss that this guy had the charisma of his high school buddy. It was almost identical to the way lowerclassmen smiled at Felix at the cafeteria during lunch hours, their soft giggles giving away their infatuation for the young freckled boy.</p><p>The moment the new boss had turned to face their table, Chan could have sworn that the earth had fallen off its axis, spinning his world to a dimension that he couldn’t quite fathom. Right in front of him was the same man in the business suit he'd stared at from a distance earlier, but this time he was certain that this person was the exact same boy he used to share his fondest memories with almost a decade ago. It is the Lee Felix he used to adore like a little brother, he confirmed, as he noticed the other man's honey blonde hair framing his small star-dotted face the same way his raven mane used to all those years ago when the man in front of him was eight years younger, eight years shier.</p><p>Gone were the days he had to comfort the younger one for being ridiculously insecure and blind to his own abilities. Or the days he couldn't help but wrap an arm around Felix who tearfully complained to him about his failing grades, his grief only pacified when the then-blonde-haired senior student promised to tutor him and help him until his grades were salvaged. Gone were the days that bullies found Felix an easy target, and Chan had to always make sure he'd get to his friend in the nick of time before anyone could lay a hand on the younger one.</p><p>No, this Lee Felix had a different vibe. The confidence in his stance was new to Chan, but Chan knew that as soon as Felix flashed his million-dollar sunshine smile, the familiar would eclipse the unfamiliar and he'd be taken back to those good old days when that ray of sunlight was all he needed to truly believe that everything was okay.</p><p>Even then, despite coming face-to-face with his high school best friend, Chan felt the need to wake up from this oddly bittersweet dream. While he'd prayed for this to happen countless times before, he knew deep inside that there was no way this was even remotely close to reality. There was no way Felix was alive in front of him – not after all these years he'd believed him to be dead. Unlike the nightmares that have plagued him ever since the day he'd been given the grim news of his friend's passing, this dream just seemed too good to be true, and he'd much rather have it end now before he got too invested in what would happen if—</p><p>"Annyeong haseyo," the blonde greeted with his baritone voice, the accent in his greeting strikingly similar to one that Chan hadn't heard in so long.</p><p>The rest of the table greeted back, each of the employees standing up to reach out and shake his hand with a small respectful bow.</p><p>"Chan," the HR person who had accompanied Felix to their table called his attention, and only then had Chan realized that he'd done nothing but stare back at the new boss in what seemed like utter shock.</p><p>Pulled from his trance, Chan looked at the HR person briefly and then back to the person standing in front of him. Felix was looking directly at him in the eye as though waiting for him to accept the hand he'd offered for a handshake. Chan's breath hitched. If he touched that hand, would that confirm that he wasn't in a dream?</p><p>Upon not getting any response, the new manager finally cleared his throat, his patience running a little thin for having his hand held out for a little too long.</p><p>If only he knew that he was causing the older male to question his sense of reality.</p><p>"S-sorry," Chan said in response as he clumsily stood from his seat and bowed in front of the man in front of him.</p><p>Felix retracted his hand, and while he did not recognize the man standing in front of him, he tried to take a look at the man's employee card that hung on his neck. "Team Leader… Bang Chan," he read out loud, prompting the older man to meet his gaze for the first time.</p><p>Felix could have sworn he saw a light pool of tears on the other man's eyes, but he passed it off as something his own eyes were tricking him into seeing because, really, how weird would that be if Chan actually cried in front of him? And for what reason? They didn't even know each other. Or at least that's what Felix thought.</p><p>"I look forward to working with you," Felix recited almost mechanically in Korean, and Chan could easily tell that he'd memorized the phrase from a language activity book.</p><p>With a nod, he responded likewise, the flow of his sentence more natural and fluid in the language they spoke. But then after that, they were met with a split second of awkward silence.</p><p>Chan knew he should just let it go. Perhaps let Felix wander off to the next set of people he needed to meet. That would have been the logical thing to do. After all, he needed to let all of this sink in if he indeed were not in a dream. He needed to analyze his thoughts and situation before doing something rash. <em>Right?</em></p><p>But one question really plagued him. Did Felix really not know who he was? How come Felix did not recognize Chan the way Chan immediately knew who Felix was? His heart danced in somersaults as the internal battle raged within him, and as soon as his eyes once again awkwardly met with the younger's, he knew his rational side had long lost the battle.</p><p>"F-Felix?" he said, his voice much smaller than he'd ever remembered it being. He almost sounded like a child pleading for his favorite plushie or candy to not be taken away from him. Like a child desperately wishing for a fairy tale to come true.</p><p>"Chan," the HR representative scolded him again, this time his voice sterner than it was earlier. "You know better than to refer to your new boss that way."</p><p>"I-it's okay," Felix finally said as he turned to the official, this time not sounding as mechanical as he did earlier. "I know honorifics are important, but I'm personally still getting used to it. He didn't offend me in any way."</p><p>He may have been cognizant enough to utter those words to pacify the HR official, but whatever small smile Felix had on his face earlier had faltered as Chan's voice rang repeatedly in his head. It wasn't the lack of respect that got to him. Really, he couldn't care less about that. It was… the familiarity.</p><p>Other people have said his name countless times before, but there was something different about this particular Bang Chan. Something very unique and reminiscent of the way his name rolled off this person's tongue as though he'd heard it a million times before.</p><p>He watched as Chan bowed once again in front of him and uttered an apology after being harshly reprimanded by the HR person.</p><p>Swallowing a lump in his throat and avoiding his confusion as to why there was something so familiar with this person, Felix proceeded to ask why his name was called in the first place. "Was there something you wanted to say, Chan?"</p><p>Chan lifted his gaze from his apologetic bow, his eyes slowly and nervously meeting the younger's once again. "I-I just… I, uh, wanted to confirm something… if that's okay with you."</p><p>Felix couldn't help but raise a brow out of curiosity. He was still learning the language they were speaking in, but if he understood the man correctly, he had every reason to wonder what this was all about.</p><p>As though reading his mind, Chan continued, taking the expression on the younger man's face as an invitation for him to go on. This time he spoke in English. "By any chance, are you… are you Lee Yongbok?"</p><p>Felix's face paled. Not very many people knew this fact about him especially since he'd kept himself guarded ever since his life had turned upside down when he woke up from his coma. Only his family and perhaps people who had access to legal documents that contained his personal information knew of his Korean birth name. How did this Bang Chan person know such a thing?</p><p>Judging by the reaction he got from the man in front of him, Chan knew what the answer to his question was. He was right. This Lee Felix was a hundred percent the Lee Felix he'd known in high school. The Lee Felix he'd been told was gone from this world.</p><p>"Where did you get that information from?" the younger man asked back in English, suspicion bringing his voice down to a new level of soft and low.</p><p>"D-don't you recognize me?" Chan asked, voice shaky from his emotions. "Don't you remember me?"</p><p>He shook his head quickly, looking the older male up and down judgmentally. "I don't know who you are."</p><p>"It's me, Lixie."</p><p>Words were caught in Felix's throat rendering him speechless at the revelation. This person in front of him did not need to go any further for recognition to come upon him. It actually made sense now. Why this man was so flustered the first time their eyes met. Why there was something so oddly familiar with him…</p><p>It was because he <em>was</em> familiar.</p><p>Lixie. That was Chris' nickname for him. He was the only person who'd ever called him that.</p><p>And this person in front of him turned out to be that same person. The man he vowed he'd never look for or cross paths with again when he moved to South Korea.</p><p>"It's me… Chris."</p><p>While he vowed to never see Chris in his life ever again, Felix would be lying if he said he'd never imagined this day and that he never thought about how he would handle himself had he ever come face-to-face with the one person who's hurt him the most in his 22 years of existence.</p><p>He had it all planned out. He'd show Chris that he did not care about him anymore. That after everything that happened, Felix chose to be the better person and just move on from the friendship that obviously was doomed to fail. Chris – knowing how kind-hearted and affectionate he was – would apologize to him and ask him to rekindle their friendship, to which he'd figuratively spit on his face by saying that he's better off without him. He'd see hurt in his former friend's face, and he'd perfectly conceal his satisfaction as he gives him one final look of disgust before permanently walking away from his life.</p><p>That was how it should have gone.</p><p>But instead he stood there, lips sealed, lungs void of air, mind numb while wondering – of all things – how on earth he did not recognize the person in front of him. Had he been too used to the blonde curls that used to go all the way down to Chris' eyes, that he could not recognize the same person when he instead had his dark brown hair lightly gelled up to reveal the light lines that the last couple of years have drawn on his forehead? Had he relied too much on name-to-face association, that just because he was faced with a man who went by a name unfamiliar to him, he no longer recognized the familiar features that screamed out his identity? Heck, the dimples that appeared on this man's cheeks every time he talked and the mole on his brow were dead giveaways. How could he not have known right off the bat?</p><p>Felix could feel through his eyes the red hot anger stirring up in him, but he was unsure as to whether he was mad at the person in front of him or mad at himself for not realizing sooner whom he was dealing with.</p><p>With a quick breath, he tore his gaze from the older man's tear-filled eyes and plastered a well-rehearsed smile on his face before acknowledging the rest of the staff. "It was nice meeting you all today. I'll see you in the office tomorrow."</p><p>He briefly heard them respond with a similar remark as he hurriedly walked away from the table, almost feeling as though he was in a race against himself to get as far away from Chan as possible. All of a sudden, the large conference hall felt too small, and he felt the need to leave. The HR representative followed suit, asking him if he was alright, and he once again used that same smile he'd put on not too long ago to excuse himself for a phone call he supposedly had to make.</p><p>The moment he left the room, he stopped at the hallway, and upon checking twice to make sure no one else was out there, he let out the breath he didn't even know he'd been holding. He wasn't supposed to be affected by his encounter with Chan. But why was he reacting the way that he was?</p><p>He made his way to the bathroom, the thoughts in his head running at a speed greater than what he could ever catch up to.</p><p>By the time he reached his destination, tears were already pooling at his eyes and the weight on his chest had already felt a lot heavier than he'd ever experienced in the past. He was supposed to be okay. Why was he reacting like this?</p><p>Turning on the faucet on one of the sinks, he splashed cold water on his burning face, hoping that such an action would wake him up from this nightmare.</p><p>All of a sudden, it all came coming back to him. Anger bubbled up in his chest as he stared at his reflection on the mirror, the wet strands of his hair bunching together to make it easier to see the light scar on his forehead that permanently etched in him the memory of the accident.</p><p>It took him so long to get to where he was now. To get to a point where he wasn't physically, mentally, emotionally stuck in his past. To get to a point where nothing other than the scar on his forehead and the occasional pain on his left leg reminded him of everything he'd been through. To get to a point where he no longer secretly wished that everything he'd believed in about Chris was false. To get to a point where he was desensitized of anything that could possibly remind him of his past.</p><p>But now everything felt so backwards. One look at Chris was enough to remind him of all his scars. It was enough to remind him of all of the pain Chris had caused him especially when he left right when Felix needed him the most. How was he going to work with him on a daily basis when all he could think of was Chris' betrayal? How was he supposed to act professionally around him when every time he saw even the faintest of Chris' shadow, anger flared up in him?</p><p>To say that Felix had suffered much because of Chris was an understatement, and even with all the years that have passed, Felix had never really learned to forgive him for that. He had every right to be mad – and he was indeed livid. Chris was the one person he trusted the most, but he was also the one person who stole his life away from him. If that weren't enough, he'd gone so far as leaving the country to move on with his own damn life while Felix fought for whatever small chance he had left to live because he voluntarily threw himself against that speeding car in Chris' stead… and even after that, it was Felix who suffered all the consequences that should have been Chris' in the first place.</p><p>Out of his childhood habit, he wrapped his own arms around himself to try to calm his racing heart and pacify his own emotional turmoil. It was his first day at work; he <em>had </em>to keep it together. Nonetheless, even though he'd been used to his self-hugs (after all, he'd grown up touch-starved, and he'd learned from an early age that he cannot really rely on anyone other than himself to provide this kind of comfort during times like these), somehow something <em>familiar</em> felt missing.</p><p>It was the soothing feeling of being enveloped by a pair of arms other than his own. The way said pair of arms would slowly and gently tighten around him, as though wordlessly telling him that everything would be okay and he's not alone in this journey. The way that relaxing into such an embrace was just unexplainably comparable to melting in honey, caramel, vanilla, and chocolate. The way the other person's breath tickled his shoulder even though the fabric of his clothes was the one in direct contact with such warmth. The way that after he pulls away from said hug and wipes his own tears, the first non-blurry thing that comes into his view are a pair of deep-seated dimples adorning the encouraging smile that told him he's stronger than he thinks he is.</p><p>Yes, he was still furious at Chris and he still wanted him out of his life, but he also had to wonder… why did he selfishly want to find himself in one of Chris' hugs despite everything?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Chris woke up to the piercing scent of antiseptics, a dull ringing in his ears, and a faint stinging sensation on his hairline that caused him to wince at the smallest of movements.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He could have easily gone back to sleep if he wanted to, which would have been super easy given how heavy his eyelids were and how fatigued his entire body felt, but he knew he had to find out where that incessant ringing was coming from and why his head felt like it was being pierced by countless needles.</em>
</p><p><em>The discomfort in his position, the tightness and heaviness in both of his arms, and the headache that brought him to the brink of consciousness all gave him the idea that this wasn't a morning similar to every other he'd previously woken up to. He wasn't in his own bedroom, and he wasn't just waking up from one of his habitual late-night studying and/or music-making sessions. No, this felt different. A little </em>too <em>different that he almost didn’t want to dare open his eyes to confirm what he was thinking. </em></p><p>
  <em>A small groan escaped his throat as he instinctively angled his head towards the left side, willing himself to open his eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A familiar voice – though he couldn't quite recognize whose it was just yet – caused him to flutter his eyes open, a grimace immediately forming on his face as he squinted and tried to adjust his sense of sight to his blurry surroundings. It wasn't even bright considering that the only source of light illuminating the room was the late afternoon sunlight that colored the sky in a reddish sunset hue, but anything brighter than the darkness that had previously enveloped him was enough to make the teenager wince. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>As soon as he'd blinked away most of the blurriness in his sight, his eyes landed on his little brother's face, marked with half-worry and half-relief. The latter had leaned forward on his seat to move closer to his older brother, the phone that was previously in his hands now discarded to a vacant spot by Chris' leg on the bed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, you're awake!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mm," Chris simply let out in response as he closed his eyes again and licked his dry lips. "W'happened?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You don't remember the accident?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris was too busy willing his headache to go away that he missed Jeongin's question.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You had to get stitched up," the younger one continued. "You and Felix—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The mere mention of the younger Australian's name fully brought him back to consciousness, and his eyes shot wide open as he tried to look around the room as though Felix was going to be there. The rest of what Jeongin said had fallen on deaf ears as Chris tried to sit up in search for his younger friend. "F-Felix… Where's Felix?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, calm down," the younger boy coaxed him with a gentle hand on his shoulders to keep him from getting out of bed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Where's Felix?" he repeated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's in the ICU."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The… ICU…" he repeated in a trance, ignoring pain in his head that once again caused his vision to blur slightly. "How is he? I need to see him."</em>
</p><p><em>"He'll be okay. Don't worry." Jeongin simply said before standing up to tower over him. "Now before you try find out more about Felix, let's try to find out how </em>you<em>'re doing first, okay? Don't move – I'll inform one of the nurses that you're awake."</em></p><p>
  <em>It didn't take long for a nurse and a doctor to enter his room to perform routine check-ups on him and inform him of his condition while Jeongin watched on the side. The doctor confirmed what Jeongin said earlier: that he had to get stitched up on the right side of his head, close to his hairline, due to the open wound that resulted from his head hitting the pavement during the night of the accident. In relation, he had a mild concussion – hence the dim lighting in the room – although his doctor assured him that it was expected to go away soon.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His forearms sustained muscle strain and he had tendonitis on his wrists and elbows, perhaps due to a combination of poor technique and the constant overloading of his weight on his arm muscles when he had to give Felix chest compressions at the scene. The doctor assured him that his injuries were minor overall, and while they were expecting to keep him an extra day or two for monitoring before clearing him to be discharged, the doctor was positive that he was on his way to a full recovery in no time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Unbeknownst to him – or to anyone in the room, for that matter – was that Felix was in fact right next to his bed, listening intently to the explanations of the medical staff and letting out a sigh of relief upon hearing that Chris was overall doing fine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He chose to stay by Chris' side after he'd found him two nights before, only leaving for short periods of time to check on his body and try to see if there's any way for him to get back to it so he could wake up from his supposed coma. Every time he recognized no significant change in his physical condition or that his efforts to wake himself up were proving to be fruitless, he treaded back to Chris' room. He very much preferred being there anyway since Chris always had a very comforting presence, and the older one being asleep in bed did not change that fact… even though Felix wished nothing more than for both of them to wake up and be able to talk to each other once again. For the meantime, he stayed there, waiting patiently and keeping a watchful eye on his friend while hoping that someone would at least visit him and be there for him when he woke up. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris' parents visited the morning after the accident, but they'd left as soon as they arrived as though they were only stopping by to get this chore checked off their to do list. It turned out they were on their way to work and just wanted to make sure Chris was still asleep and didn't need them. Felix felt his stomach twist at that. Here he was, wishing for his friend to wake up and they instead just wanted to make sure that he hadn't regained his consciousness yet so they wouldn't be bothered by his needs? He really hoped he'd just misheard what they said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The following morning, they visited again, this time with Jeongin in tow. It appeared that the plan was for Jeongin to spend his day in Chris' hospital room – today was a Sunday anyway – judging by the amount of homework he'd brought with him (it was common in their school to get more homework on the weekends than during the week). It turned out their parents had work and errands on their agenda for the day so they once again couldn't spare more than a couple minutes with Chris, but they assured Jeongin that one of them would be stopping by tonight to pick up their youngest on their way home.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix didn't quite understand it. The lack of care coming from Chris' parents, that is. Felix always had the impression that Chris meant so much to his family and that he was really close to his parents. He always envied Chris' seemingly perfect life partly because he had a family who cared about what he wanted (that's why he got to pursue all the extracurricular activities he wanted anyway, right?). Why were they very nonchalant about the fact that their eldest son was in the hospital?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jeongin had stayed with Chris all day, but boredom soon hit him as soon as he realized his brother was going to be asleep for most of the day. Yes, he had midterms to study for, but while the silence in the hospital room was actually quite conducive for reviewing for his tests, he needed at least a few minutes of human interaction here and there as a break before having to dive into more studying. The closest thing he got to that were his one-sided conversations with his unconscious brother, but even those became old – not to mention awkward – a little too quickly.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix didn't want to eavesdrop during those conversations, to be honest, but he really didn't want to leave the room either. He figured that if Jeongin, who was just a year younger than Felix, was anything like the freckled boy, his conversations with Chris would most likely be similar to what he'd be having with the blonde bay anyway. So instead of leaving, he tried to give the two brothers their space as he settled on the couch away from the bed on the opposite side of the room. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>At least that was until Chris woke up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As soon as Chris showed signs of consciousness, he slowly approached the older boy, thankful that at least one of them was now awake and even more thankful that Jeongin was at least here to tend to him or call a nurse for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The doctor left the room after ensuring he had no further questions, and the nurse stayed back for an extra minute to help him adjust the height of the pillow behind him to a more comfortable level. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Warmth stirred in the freckled boy's chest when Chris asked the nurse how Felix was doing. He didn't expect the older boy – still half-dazed from painkillers and a concussion – to be worried about him when he himself was still trying to adjust to his own injuries.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In response, the nurse didn't go into detail as much as Felix's doctor did the other day, but she didn't bother sugarcoating anything either when she told Chris that the younger one was in a coma in the ICU, fighting for his life, and that his chances of living were diminishing with each day that passed by without him regaining consciousness.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Whatever sense of warmth and relief that Felix felt earlier had soon been replaced with concern as he watched his friend's features twist in horror, his breathing then sounding labored as tears immediately rolled down his cheeks. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Both Jeongin and the nurse were immediately at his side to try to calm him down, and at that moment, similar to countless ones before, Felix wished nothing more than to be able to comfort his friend. It killed him on the inside that Chris' concern for him was what was causing him to react in this way.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As soon as his breathing was under control, Chris turned to the nurse to ask if he could visit Felix. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>She looked at him sympathetically before telling him that he had to stay put for the time being. She promised, though, that if the lightheadedness that came with his concussion was gone tomorrow and the doctor approved, she'd take him to Felix herself. Chris wasn't too happy with the response given how much he wanted to see Felix now, but if all he had to do was let one night pass in this semi-sleepy state, he'd take it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The room was silent for a while after the nurse left, Chris too tired to say anything and Jeongin trying to gauge how his brother felt in general before bringing up anything that could potentially be triggering for him. In the end, it was Chris who broke the silence.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How long have you been here?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"A couple hours," the younger one responded as he reclaimed his seat from earlier. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris' expression softened. "You shouldn't have, Innie. I know you have a lot to study for."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, don't worry. I've been studying alright," he answered with a small smile. "A little too much actually, and you waking up is the best prize I could have received tonight for being so disciplined and studious all day."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris simply smiled in return, unsure as to how else to respond. He wasn't used to Jeongin being this warm towards him, and part of him thought that his brother probably just felt sorry for what he'd been through and that's why he was being nice to him today.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>See, his relationship with Jeongin was on the rather complicated side. He wouldn't necessarily say he was super close to his brother, but he wouldn't say they didn't get along either. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Growing up, they had a really tight-knit bond. That was at least until a couple of years ago, when Jeongin started school as well and began distancing himself a little for some reason unknown to Chris. Their relationship became further complicated – and somewhat strained – last year when Jeongin began high school and, in a sense, began idolizing his brother. He'd seen what legacy his brother was making in school and it really made him want to push himself so he could also be successful in his endeavors like his brother was. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris was a straight-A student, the star of the swim team, the president of the music club, and was once a member of countless other clubs and councils he'd signed up for during his earlier years in high school. He was a familiar face in the school library as a volunteer tutor and was one of the school's representatives in annual competitions against other high schools. Two years ago, he brought home the championship to their school at a math competition against other high school scholars in New South Wales, and last year, he was one of their school's representatives at the Physics Fest and was given the honor of being the student who designed and built the most effective Rube Goldberg machine the quickest. This year, rumor had it that he was the student the math department recommended to send to the national calculus competition for high school students.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But with that admiration came a lot of pressure, and soon he found himself comparing himself to him and finding himself severely inferior. Chris was a tough act to follow, and being his younger brother honestly felt more like a curse to Jeongin because people in his school – especially his teachers who once were his brother's teachers – couldn't help but expect more from him than he felt he could give because the older one had raised the bar so high.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That made him want to separate himself from his brother. If he were to achieve anything, he wanted to do it in his own terms. Raise the honor of his own name because of his own doing, not because of his association with the school's star student. So he veered away from his brother's path, paving a way for his own success that was uniquely his. Whereas Chris did well in math and science, Jeongin's strength was in literature and social studies. Chris dominated the swim team with his top-notch skills, so Jeongin tried to make a name for himself in the school's soccer team instead.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But that kind of avoidance bled through their social lives as well. Jeongin always avoided being linked to his brother, and almost never had he let anyone see him physically with the older one in school. He avoided Chris as though he was a bully, and he outwardly cringed every time someone linked them to each other during any conversations.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It didn't take long for Chris to recognize what was happening. He was smart indeed, and he did not need Jeongin to explicitly tell him what was going on to understand why he acted the way he did. He was pretty perceptive, and he easily picked up on how uncomfortable his brother became especially when talks of comparison were ever brought up in school. And while he always shut those comments down from other people and reminded other teachers and students that Jeongin was good at his own field, the younger one sometimes felt even worse that Chris had to say that out loud just to shut people up. He felt insecure that he couldn't prove himself without having his brother try to convince them of his own worth. That part, Chris didn't quite perceive, and Jeongin didn't quite know whether or not he was entitled to feel that way because at the end of the day, who was he to complain for at least having a brother to defend him?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris respected Jeongin's desire to go his own way and pave his own path to success. That was why he kept his distance from the younger whenever the latter was focused on his own work, and even more so when he would reject one of Chris' invitations to an event or a school activity. Eventually, he stopped asking, knowing fully well of the kind of response he'd get from him anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What Chris didn't know was that despite the distance that Jeongin wanted to create between himself and his older brother, he wanted to maintain the special bond they shared growing up. One that didn't have anything to do with other people's perceptions of how the two compared to each other. One that just kept them uniquely bonded as brothers. Yes, Jeongin may have avoided him like a plague at school, but he definitely didn't want to avoid him at home. In fact, he'd lost count of how many times he wished his brother was home so they can hang out or play a video game together. Unfortunately, the older he got, the less he'd seen his brother's face. Chris was almost never home anymore.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris was busy with schoolwork, but anytime he wasn't, he was too busy hanging out with Felix. Jeongin's eye twitched every time he thought of the young freckled boy because it honestly felt like the latter was more of a brother to Chris than he was. It was almost as though Chris wanted to spend more time with this boy he met at the stairwell at school one random day than the boy he spent most of his life growing up with. To Jeongin, that stung a little. Or maybe a lot. But knowing that he was also the one who tried to stay away from his brother at school, he knew he couldn't blame Chris for hanging out more with his best friend. He was probably just giving him space; who was he to feel jealous when he'd rejected the older one time and again?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When Chris mentioned that he was joining the talent show this year, Jeongin genuinely wanted to show his support. Maybe in this small way, he could show Chris that he wasn't completely trying to avoid him in all facets of his life. That there was still that small part of him that ached to be the little brother that Chris used to treat him as… just like those bittersweet days before he allowed his insecurities to take over.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>However, as soon as Chris mentioned that he was doing this with Felix, Jeongin's desire to show support had faltered, the smile on his face and the twinkle in his eye slowly fading as though they were never there to begin with. He didn't want to be jealous, but he also couldn't help but question why it all came down to Felix all over again. Was Chris ever going to say yes to joining the talent show had it been Jeongin who invited him to it? Or did Felix just get special treatment from his brother? He wanted so bad to ask that question, but he was also too afraid to know the answer. In the end, he thankfully found an excuse in the form of his midterm exams to not show up, and he ended up studying at home that night instead of camping in the school auditorium with a homemade banner with his brother's name on it like he'd originally planned.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Looking back now, he regretted it. If he showed up that night, his parents would have had a reason to drive to the school that evening and pick them up rather than have the two boys walk back home from school.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If he showed up that night, maybe Chris wouldn't be in the hospital now and Felix wouldn't be fighting for his life. He may have not been fond of the freckled boy, but never in a million years did he wish for anything like this to happen to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The silence in the room was broken when the door creaked open to reveal the face of their mother.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jeongin stood from his seat to greet her, quietly moving away from the hospital bed to make room for her to approach the older of the two boys, who adjusted his position on the bed to see her better. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're awake," she noted as she marched into the room, setting her purse on the couch against the wall. Her voice was void of surprise nor relief.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yes, hi," Chris simply greeted as he raised his eyes to meet hers.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What did the doctor say?" she asked, prompting Jeongin to recite everything they'd been told not too long ago when Chris woke up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-I'm sorry," the older boy added, his voice subdued. "They said they're keeping me for another day or two. I know this must be expensive."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's okay," she answered as she looked around the room for the first time since Chris had been brought in almost two days ago. This was the first time she'd actually fully entered the room and looked at Chris long enough to notice what his injuries were. "It's nothing our medical insurance can't take care of. Besides, I'd rather have you here than have to think about who would have to keep an eye on you if you were at home."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris fidgeted uncomfortably as he brought his gaze down to the bandages on his forearms.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Now tell me," she continued as she walked around the room, stopping by the corner of his bed. "What exactly happened the other night?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mom," Jeongin interrupted. "Hyung just woke up about a half hour ago. They gave him a new dose of the pain medication, so he might still be a little woozy. Maybe this isn't the best time—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She pursed her lips and turned her gaze sharply to the youngest, giving him a look that was enough to get him to stop speaking.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-It's okay, Jeongin," Chris answered before swallowing a lump in his throat.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris recounted the events of the evening, not leaving out a single detail he could remember. He shed a few tears as he remembered the panic that filled him when he regained consciousness and found Felix unresponsive, the latter's blood staining not only the pavement but also the car that was stopped at the intersection. He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears as he relived the pain that came with frantically trying to give his own best friend his heartbeat back, relying solely on the instructions dictated to him on the phone and being distinctly told that he can make or break his best friend's future with the task he had at hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wasn't even done, and yet he was all spent, too exhausted to even wipe away the tears that stained his cheeks. The trauma of that night had scarred him – anyone in the room could easily see that. And while he tried his best to tell them everything he could remember about that night, there was no way any of them could understand the emotional rollercoaster he'd been through… there was no way he could make them understand the fear he felt when his best friend's blood was all over his hands and he was willing to give every single breath he had just so Felix would start breathing on his own again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris admittedly felt responsible for what happened to his best friend. After all, he was the one Felix tried to save, thus causing the younger boy to be the one hit by the car instead. It was a very unsettling feeling: being responsible for something caused by your own irresponsibility. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He should have been the one in Felix's shoes. He should have been the one in the ICU right now. Not his best friend. Not the innocent ray of sunshine that brought warmth to his heart with every little smile.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Before he could get to the part of the story where the medics arrived and had told him that Felix did indeed have a pulse by then, before he could get to the only good thing that happened that night, Chris' recountal got cut off as he felt the burn of a raging slap on his right cheek, the sudden impact throwing him off-balance as he swayed to the opposite direction.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Words evaded him at that point, and he barely registered the gasp that came from his little brother. He didn't even notice when Jeongin ran to his side and began talking back to their mother in his defense.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mom," the youngest voiced out in almost a reprimanding tone, one he'd never used with her before.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Stay out of this, Jeongin," she countered as she pointed an index finger at him. "This has nothing to do with you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung still has a concussion—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I do not care!" she roared. "That's what he gets for being so reckless! Seriously, Chris. Why couldn't you just be careful and save yourself? Why did you need to have Felix save you?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His mother's words burned Chris' chest the same way her slap burned his reddened cheek. He knew he was to blame in all this, but hearing it said out loud somehow stung even more. Before he knew it, tears were once again pooling at his eyes, his lips quivering as he was reminded of the weight of his responsibility in what happened the night of the accident.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jeongin shook his head in disbelief and instinctively wrapped a protective arm around his brother. "Mom, Hyung did not want for this to happen. And now is not the time to scold Hyung."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He is not even your Hyung!"</em>
</p><p>"Mom," <em>Jeongin shouted back. "Stop it!"</em></p><p><em>"No, </em>you<em> stop it, Jeongin. You have no idea how much trouble this boy caused – and for what?!"</em></p><p>
  <em>"We know, okay? He knows. No need for you to repeatedly remind him—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, you don't!" she insisted. "Do you know what your father and I have been working on for the past couple of months? The work we've been slaving over day in and day out? Our major projects were all geared towards getting the Lees to invest in our company. For months, your dad and I have been working so hard to close a deal with their firm, and we've gotten so close to actually finalizing that deal, and this all had to happen."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The youngest in the room sighed. "Are you being serious right now? That's what you're concerned about? Not Hyung's injuries or Felix's life, but… that? Look, I'm sure Felix's parents would set aside their personal issues when dealing with business matters. For once, can you not be so obsessed about work?"</em>
</p><p><em>"Not be obsessed about work?" she repeated incredulously. "You want me to not be obsessed about the one thing that will keep you enrolled in the school you're in and pay for Chris' hospital bills? You tell me, Jeongin. Are </em>you<em> being serious?"</em></p><p>
  <em>"Mom, I get that you're concerned about how this affects everything you've worked hard for, but you're probably just overreacting. They're not going to take things personally. People who run empires like the Lees have advisors to ensure the business decisions they make are logical and objective."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do they really?" she challenged. "And even if they do have those people, will they listen? The last time I checked, my appointments for future meetings with them have all already been cancelled. Their company does not want anything to do with us now all because of that irresponsible, poor excuse of a person—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Stop talking about Hyung like that! He's still family."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He is not my son!"</em>
</p><p><em>That was enough to bring Jeongin to silence, his lips quivering both in rage towards his mother and in remorse towards his brother for his mother's actions. Of all the things she could say, why did she have to bring </em>that <em>up now when it's a matter none of them had mentioned for years?</em></p><p>
  <em>What she said was not a secret. At least not within their family. But it was something they have all kept under a rug for years now. Something they all knew and accepted to be true but never talked about explicitly. Something that was off-limits in conversations. Apparently, that rule had exceptions when their mother was upset, and neither of the two boys knew how to respond.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Suddenly, the air in the room felt thick and heavy, almost unbreathable for Chris. He'd been trying his best to hold his emotions in, but the longer this encounter with his mother went on, the harder it was for him to keep up. Was he being disowned now because of what happened? Was he going to lose his family for the second time in his life?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Losing his real parents at the age of five was a tragedy he didn't quite fully grasp at the time. It wasn't until he was older and far removed from the situation that he felt the pain of being separated from his real parents, regret filling him every now and again for surviving that house fire that his parents didn't.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Life was unfair, he thought to himself early on. It was unfair for not giving him a chance to do something to save his parents. For not giving his parents a chance to see their only child grow up. For engraining the traumatic memory of that fire in his mind but not of his parents' faces. If not for the pictures his adoptive parents had given him when they took him to Australia, he probably, as an adult, wouldn't even remember what they looked like. He was just thankful that he ended up with someone who actually knew his parents. At least, in that sense, he had luck on his side.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>After he was rescued from the fire and was medically cleared, he was taken into a family services agency in the city of Seoul whose staff had tried to find out whether or not Chris had any relatives left. They soon got in touch with Chris' mom's brother, who had moved to Sydney a couple of years ago but had, along with his wife, surprisingly agreed to formally adopt his nephew not too long after they had flown in to meet him. Within a few weeks, Chris found himself in an airplane en route to his new home with strangers he was now supposed to regard as his new parents. It was during that time that he also learned that he was no longer to use the Bang family name but rather use theirs, Yang. And since he was now going to be living in an English-speaking country, his name was also changing from Chan to Christopher – or Chris for short.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He barely knew how to speak eloquently in his mother tongue, and yet he now had to learn a completely new language in a foreign place while learning to live with strangers. He barely knew who he was as Bang Chan, yet now he had to figure out who he was as Christopher Yang. It was a lot of changes for any ordinary five-year-old to adapt to. But then again, Chris was far from ordinary, and he proved time and again that he is able to come out on the other side despite curveballs being thrown his way.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But this one? Could he really come out on the other side okay when he was on the verge of losing his best friend, his family, and possibly his sanity?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Get your things, Jeongin." His mother's voice did not fail to deliver the message that her patience was running thin. "We're going home."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No buts; we're going home," she walked closer to the younger male and shoved his school bag into his hands. "Chris and I have something to discuss very quickly. Wait for me by the elevators."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But Hyung…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't make me drag you out of here, Jeongin. To the elevators – now," she pointedly ordered, a finger pointing towards the door.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The youngest defeatedly put on his backpack and dragged himself out the door. He didn't want to leave Chris alone with his mother. Not after what just happened. Not after what she just said. But what choice did he have?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He may have not been super close to Chris the past couple of years (especially the last year and a half or so), but not once had he ever thought of him as someone any less than his brother. He was his older brother who, growing up, had always been overprotective of him. Seeing Chris now in his most vulnerable state, something ached in Jeongin that made him want to be the overprotective one this time. Unfortunately, there wasn't even much he could do.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As soon as the youngest had left the room, Mrs. Yang took a step closer to Chris and folded her arms in front of her chest, a mask of indifference trying but failing to cover up her disappointment. "You know, I've always had a hunch from the very beginning. Ever since you were a child. That you were too good to be true and that it was only a matter of time until you mess something up big time and ruin something major for us."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris sobbed. His relationship with his parents have gone downhill over the years for reasons he couldn't even personally understand, but he didn't think they had misgivings about him from the very beginning. He almost wanted to ask: if they had their concerns, why did they agree to adopt him anyway? But his chest was too tight for him to even utter those words.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I never said anything about your friendship with Felix despite your father's misgivings about it because secretly I wanted to give you a chance. A chance to prove me wrong – a chance to prove that all those things I've thought about you from the very beginning were all wrong. And yet here we are. You're not even my son and yet here I am carrying the burden and the consequences of your stupidity."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-I'm… I'm sorry…" was all he could say between shaky breaths.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Unless your apology changes anything, I don't care. Fix this mess, Chris. I don't care what kind of voodoo you have to do to get Felix out of that ICU, but until you are able to fix this mess you created, you can forget you ever had a family to come home to." With a shake of her head, she grabbed her purse from the couch and faced him one last time. "And stay away from Jeongin. Stop turning my own son against me by trying to gain his sympathy. His heart is too pure for anyone like you to take advantage of."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With that, she turned around to exit, leaving nothing but the echoes of the door slamming shut behind her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris collapsed on his bed, chest heavy and mind foggy at everything that had happened in the last hour. Under normal circumstances, given the pounding in his head, he would have been thankful for the quiet solitary moment he now had, but with the looming possibility of him losing both his best friend and his family, the silence that amplified his sobs did nothing but haunt him. He didn't even know whether he was crying because of Felix or because of his own predicament. All he knew was that the room was too quiet, stale, and empty, and he was feeling remorseful, inadequate, maybe even lonely.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What he didn't know was that right next to him was Felix, tears streaming down his own face as he tried to process everything he'd learned in that short visit. Over the last two days, he wanted nothing more than for Chris' parents to arrive so they could be with him and help him recover as he woke up. If he knew that having his wish come true would lead to a broken, inconsolable Chris, he would have been perfectly content with being the only one at his best friend's side even though there was nothing he could do for him at his current state.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris had always made it seem like he had the perfect life. He'd never talked about the way his parents treated him or about the fact that he wasn't even really born into his family. Felix's heart ached for not knowing the truth, but it ached even more as he thought about how much load Chris had been carrying by himself all this time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just as he did the last two days, he leaned into the bed in an attempt to hug the older one despite knowing his presence was not going to be felt. With great resolve, he looked at Chris and made a promise to his hyung as his glossy eyes met the latter's pained ones: no matter what it takes, Felix was going to wake up from his coma. If not for himself, he was going to do it for Chris.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>To say that Chan had a long night would be a complete and utter understatement.</p><p>See, as an insomniac, it was actually normal for him to not get more than three hours of sleep a night. That was why he actually preferred going to bed in the wee hours of the morning, ensuring he exhausted himself to a point where he'd fall asleep as soon as his back touches his bedsheet. He'd rather get productive while everyone was asleep, making backing tracks for all the songs Changbin and Jisung wrote lyrics to, rather than spending his evenings staring at the ceiling with eyes wide open while counting the minutes towards which slumber would successfully reel him in.</p><p>And that was the plan tonight.</p><p>As soon as Jisung and Changbin had retired to their rooms to call it a night, he'd holed himself up in that corner in the living room with his laptop and headphones with the intention of working on the two outstanding songs he was not able to wrap-up in days prior.</p><p>Except tonight was different.</p><p>Tonight, he was restless to a point where he couldn't sit still. He was agitated to a point where he couldn't focus on the screen in front of him. He was anxious and edgy to a point where he couldn't calm his mind down as his thoughts ran at the speed of light.</p><p>After everything that had happened at work today and learning from first-hand experience that the person he'd believed to have died eight years ago was actually alive and well, he should have been relieved and elated. And indeed, he was. As he told Jisung earlier during their commute home, he felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders knowing now that he did not cause any permanent harm on his high school best friend. It was as though the part of him that had died when he thought Felix did had resurrected, and he now had the hope that he could rekindle that very close friendship he once had with the younger male.</p><p>But something was off with the way their encounter ended, and Chan couldn't help but wonder what exactly had gone wrong. It's as though everything went downhill the moment he introduced himself, which was the last consequence he was expecting given their closeness back in high school. In fact, had they not been in the workplace in the midst of co-workers, he most likely would have pulled the younger male in for one of those cozy hugs they used to share as teenagers. He missed his best friend way too much, and he knew that words were never going to be enough for him to convey to Felix how he felt.</p><p>Needless to say, the following day he came to work haggard, worried, and a little too on-edge for his own liking. He acted normal around his team and other co-workers – with a lot of practice from prior years, he'd become too accustomed to separating his personal issues from his professional attitude – but the moment he realized that the hour of Felix's arrival was soon to come, his stomach began churning again and it took every ounce of his energy to try to focus on his work when all he wanted to do was fidget around until he got to talk to Felix to make sure they were okay.</p><p>Letting out a small sigh, he took the last gulp of his green tea before making his way to the kitchen to get a new cup of hot water, noticing as he stood from his desk that Jisung was mirroring his motion and was about to head to the kitchen as well.</p><p>"Hyung, it's only been an hour since we got here," Jisung noted as he walked alongside the team leader. "This is, what, your third cup of tea?"</p><p>Chan looked at him sheepishly. "I get really thirsty when I'm nervous."</p><p>The younger one chuckled. "But you're never nervous."</p><p>"Not outwardly," he confirmed. "This is a bit unprecedented."</p><p>"You don't need to be worried. He probably had something urgent to attend to yesterday and that's why he ran off soon after introducing himself to us. If you guys were as close back then as you said you were—"</p><p>"Who's close to whom?" Hyunjin interjected when he saw his teammates enter the small kitchen, his tall, slender frame moving away from the entrance and much closer to the microwave, which he was waiting on.</p><p>Seungmin, who was chewing on his breakfast sandwich while waiting with Hyunjin, looked at his teammates with curious eyes.</p><p>"It's nothing—"</p><p>"Chan Hyung," Jisung answered the same time as Chan, his voice loud enough to drown out the other man's voice but soft enough to not be heard from the desks outside the kitchen. A small smirk crept on his face before he continued with a hushed tone. "And the new boss."</p><p>"Wait, what?" Seungmin asked with his mouth half-full.</p><p>"They know each other from high school. Back in Australia," Jisung filled in.</p><p>"Thanks, Sungie," Chan sarcastically said as he marched to the water dispenser to fill up his cup.</p><p>"Wait." Hyunjin turned and faced them, his breakfast pastry in the microwave temporarily forgotten. "You're telling me that Chan Hyung went to high school with this dude who basically stole his promotion?"</p><p>Chan sighed. "He didn't <em>steal</em> anything from me."</p><p>"They are best friends," Jisung supplied.</p><p>"What?!" Both Seungmin and Hyunjin gasped.</p><p>"<em>Were</em>," Chan corrected. "I haven't talked to him in years."</p><p>"What happened?" Hyunjin asked, curiosity now at its peak.</p><p>"You didn't have a falling out, did you?" Seungmin asked.</p><p>"Oh, that would be awkward if that were the case," the tallest male responded.</p><p>"Guys." Chan said with a sigh. All he wanted was more tea. Why was <em>he</em> becoming the tea among his teammates?</p><p>"Sorry, Hyung," Seungmin asked before taking another bite of his sandwich. "This is just… interesting."</p><p>"So…" Hyunjin pried. "What happened?"</p><p>"Long story."</p><p>"We got here earlier than office hours and started working before normal clock-in hours. I think we have time to spare now."</p><p>"Hyunjin," Chan warned, using a tone he sometimes used to get his teammates to focus on work whenever they got distracted.</p><p>"Sorry. Never mind," he said as he turned around to open the microwave and get his pastry.</p><p>"It's okay," the team leader said but not without a soft sigh that could have gone amiss had the kitchen not been too small for the other men to hear everything. He didn't know why yesterday's encounter weighed heavily on him, but his gut feeling told him that he shouldn't pass it off as just a normal encounter. Something was off, and he really needed to talk to Felix. If not to bring back the tight-knit friendship they used to have, at least to sort things out and make sure they were able to work together with no awkwardness in the air.</p><p>"Is it really, though, Hyung? Is it really okay?" Jisung asked as he went behind the oldest male to get his own glass of water after him. "Don't think I don't know that you did not get any sleep at all last night. You never went to bed."</p><p>"I-I fell asleep on the couch," he lied.</p><p>"I don't know who you're trying to fool, but it ain't me. Those bags under your eyes are a dead giveaway."</p><p>Chan hummed, knowing from just how exhausted his eyes felt that he couldn't contest Jisung's statement. He was so tired – tired of being awake, of trying to calm himself down when nothing was working, of chasing his thoughts that all jumbled together in his overly active mess of a brain.</p><p>"So, uh… Manager Lee – what's he like?" Seungmin asked as soon as Chan turned back around with his cup of hot water.</p><p>Chan looked down, unsure as to whether he had an answer to that question. He definitely knew what Felix was like back then. But now? "I… don't know anymore. It's been a while."</p><p>"Yeah, but back then? Assuming he's still the same as before… what's he like?" the youngest of the group prodded.</p><p>Chan smiled a bittersweet smile as he reminisced about the good old days. "Back then, he was a lot of fun to be around. He can be really timid and shy at first, but once you get to know him, you realize that he's actually very funny and cheerful and sweet."</p><p>"That doesn't sound like the person we met yesterday," Hyunjin noted, earning a nod from both Jisung and Seungmin. "He seemed kinda nice, but more than that, he was a little… scary."</p><p>"Like I said, it's been eight years so I don't know if what I said about him is still true."</p><p>Chan had to be careful about the words he used. He didn't want to paint Felix in a light that was different from what the younger man actually was, but given the fact that he didn't quite know him anymore given all the years that have passed, Chan did not want to feed his teammates the wrong expectations from their new department manager.</p><p>"He seemed like a very serious person," Jisung commented.</p><p>"Scary serious," Seungmin agreed.</p><p>"Maybe he was nervous about it being his first day," Jisung speculated.</p><p>"That doesn't make sense," Hyunjin answered before taking a bite of his pastry. "He's the boss."</p><p>"Do people in higher positions not have a right to be nervous about their first day at work?" Jisung countered.</p><p>"He's from a different country," Seungmin defended. "I'd be nervous too if I were him."</p><p>"Were you nervous when you came here, Hyung?" Hyunjin asked as he turned to Chan. "You moved here from Australia too just like Manager Lee."</p><p>Chan simply smiled at Hyunjin's obliviousness as to how loaded his question was. He wasn't quite sure how to answer it given the circumstances of his arrival from Australia. It was a story that not a lot of people knew. Not even Jisung. Changbin was actually the only person in Chan's life who'd been around long enough to know most of that chapter of his life, and Chan wanted to keep it that way. It was a part of his life he wished never happened, although he couldn't completely write it off his own history given that the events of that time brought him to where he was now.</p><p>"Did you know how to speak Korean when you got here, Hyung?"</p><p>He looked back up, thankful for the distraction from his own thoughts. "A little, yeah."</p><p>"Therein lies the difference," Seungmin commented. "Manager Lee sounds like he'll need some help with the language."</p><p>"He'll have Chan Hyung to translate for him!" Hyunjin suggested. "That'll be fun. That could be their bonding moment, and Chan Hyung could teach him Korean too."</p><p>Chan smiled as he remembered the days he taught Felix basic Korean at their school cafeteria back then during lunchtime.</p><p>"Would you have to address him as Manager Lee too?" Jisung asked. "Or do you think you'd be able to call him on a friendlier basis like we do with you since you guys have history?"</p><p>Chan shook his head. He really didn't want word to go around the office that he and Felix used to be good friends and for people to think that Chan was using that friendship for a personal or professional advantage. He wasn't like that, and the last thing he wanted was to put Felix in such an awkward spot from the get go. Heck, he didn't even know where he stood with Felix. Then again, even if he did, he'd much rather separate out their professional working relationship from their personal friendship to keep rumors and office gossip at bay.</p><p>"You guys being able to call me Hyung in the office was something I allowed because of how tightly knit our group is, both in and out of the office, and that was a thing we started back then even before I became team lead. But just because we have this kind of camaraderie among ourselves, doesn't mean it applies to the rest of the office. So to answer your question, it'll depend on how Manager Lee feels about it. I'm not going to impose anything on him and neither am I going to use our past to my advantage just because we went to high school together. We may have attended the same school back then, but for our purposes here, that's that."</p><p>"But you guys were best friends," Jisung replied. "It's one thing if you guys were just acquaintances before. But like… you guys did everything together in high school."</p><p>"Exactly. We<em> were</em> best friends. As in, in the past," Chan answered, unsure as to how he should even explain himself. If only his teammates knew about the knots forming in his stomach whenever he wondered if Felix still considered him a friend. "Whatever friendship or relationship we had back then does not really matter in terms of—"</p><p>The sound of someone clearing his throat cut Chan off, and everyone in the kitchen looked at the kitchen entrance to see Felix standing there, eyebrows raised, lips turned downward in an unamused frown, hands in the pockets of his pants as he looked each man in the eye before his gaze landed sharply on Chan.</p><p>"Gossiping first thing in the morning," he accused. "I see what your team's priorities are around here."</p><p>"Uh, good morning, Manager Lee," Jisung spoke. "W-we were just—"</p><p>"Are you just going to stand around here chit-chatting, or do you have any plans to go to your desks to start working like everyone else in this office?"</p><p>Both Seungmin and Hyunjin took one last bite of their breakfast and threw away the disposable containers before pushing Jisung out towards the doorway so they could all file out of the kitchen to go to their desks.</p><p>Chan was going to follow suit with his mug in his hand, but he stopped halfway and turned on his heels, lifting his gaze to meet that of the younger man. "Um, I… I actually was hoping to talk to you, if that's okay? Is now a good time?"</p><p>Felix turned to face him, the expression on his face remaining stoic. "Is this about your job?"</p><p>"N-no."</p><p>"Your team?"</p><p>"Not really."</p><p>The younger man narrowed his eyes at Chan. "Anything to do with work?"</p><p>Chan hesitated before shaking his head. "Ehm, kind of, but not directly."</p><p>"Then no."</p><p>"N-no?"</p><p>"<em>No</em>," he answered, this time in English. "I have a meeting that I need to prepare for. I don't have time to hang around and chit-chat in the morning like you do."</p><p>"Oh. I, uh… I won't keep you long then. I'll probably just try again later."</p><p>"I'll be busy all day," he fibbed. "So don't bother."</p><p>"It shouldn't take long. I know you're busy so I don't want to take up a lot of your time," he reasoned out. "I can set up a five-minute appointment with you on your calendar for another day if you prefer."</p><p>Felix looked at him with an unreadable expression, biting his tongue as the question that ran through his mind wanted to slip out of his lips. <em>'You think you can sum up the past eight years in under five minutes?'</em> Instead, he responded in English. "Don't clutter my calendar, Mr. Team Leader. It's packed enough as it is, and I don't need non-work-related conversations mixed in with my work schedule. And please keep personal, non-work conversations out of the office. It's called professionalism, and as team leader, I would have expected you to already know about that." He looked at him from head to toe before continuing. "Too bad it appears you don't."</p><p>"Oh. Um." Chan bit his lip. "In that case… C-can I talk to you after work then?"</p><p>"Outside the office?"</p><p>"If that's what you want…"</p><p>"That's a pretty bold invitation coming from you."</p><p>"I just really need to talk to you."</p><p>"Need? You <em>need</em> something from me?" Felix asked, breaking his stoic expression for the first time with a sarcastic chuckle. "The last time I gave you something you needed, it almost cost me my life."</p><p>Chan looked down, unsure as to why Felix would bring up the past in such a way. Almost humorously but with more than just a tinge of seriousness. "That's… that's what I wanted to talk to you about…" he stuttered. "And also w-what happened yesterday…"</p><p>"What exactly about what happened yesterday? You introduced yourself, I recognized you, I accepted the fact that we'll be working together, and then I excused myself from the team to attend to more important things<em>." Like my uncontrollable emotions. </em>"What about it?"</p><p>"I…" Chan stammered. "I don't know. It just felt awkward."</p><p>"It felt awkward," he repeated in thought. "You were expecting a different reaction from me? Is that why it felt awkward? Is that what this is? Poor Chris not getting what he wants?"</p><p>Chan bit his lip, unsure as to how he was supposed to respond. There was a tone in Felix's accusation that didn't sit well with him, but his brain was too jumbled up to figure out what to say.</p><p>"Let me remind you of something, Chris. This isn't high school anymore. You're no longer the popular kid who gets all the hugs just because he wants to give them just as much as he loves receiving them. Don't expect me to treat you the same way I did when I was naïve and attached to you. That Felix is long dead."</p><p>Chan looked down. He knew that to be true. After all, they're both grown men now, and they were both a far cry from the high schoolers that they used to be who hung out before and after school because they enjoyed each other's company. So many things have happened and so many years have gone by. But even then, admittedly, part of Chan really hoped that that was not the case. That they could talk things out and be open with each other about what happened and why things ended up the way they did. Instead, the finality in Felix's words hit him like a stab to the chest.</p><p>"Please go back to work. You're wasting both my time and yours with all of this nonsense."</p><p>Felix turned to leave the kitchen but was stopped by a light grasp on his forearm.</p><p>"F-Felix" Chan called in almost a whisper, his voice filled with concern. "Are you mad at me?"</p><p>The blonde-haired man looked at him straight in the eyes, his expression unchanging as he nonchalantly brushed Chan's hand off his arm. "Do I have a reason to be?"</p><p>Chan's lips trembled. He knew he left the country back when Felix was in a coma. But given his circumstances back then, surely Felix would not blame him. Chan was just as much a victim of his circumstances back then and there was no way for him to return to Felix's side even if he wanted to. "I don't know. But you just seem so… distant. It's like I don't know how to talk to you anymore."</p><p>"Well… we've grown apart."</p><p>Knots tightened in Chan's stomach as reality bit him with the words he just heard. "Yeah, perhaps we have," he replied in almost a whisper before reasoning out. "But we're both here now. I-I'm still the same guy you used to know."</p><p>"Are you really? Chan? Chris? Are you sure you're the exact same person you used to be? Why'd you even change your name? Are you running away from something? From someone? From the past?"</p><p>"It's a long story. But Felix, please believe me when I tell you that I'm still me. I may be using a different name now, but I'm still the same person you used to know."</p><p>"Yeah, well, I'm not," Felix deadpanned, leaving Chan almost at a loss for a response.</p><p>"I guessed that much. But I just… I just wanted to talk things out with you. I know things will never be the same because it's been so long, but I just – our friendship…"</p><p>"What friendship?" Felix asked with a chuckle. "Oh, Chris, don't make me laugh."</p><p>Chan looked up to him, his eyes burning with his emotions. "Does it really not mean anything to you anymore? Does it not exist to you anymore?"</p><p>"Let me ask you something." Felix threw a sarcastic smile his way as he stepped closer to the older male. "When you left Sydney eight years ago, did you or did you not know that I was in a coma?"</p><p>"I-I… I knew. But—"</p><p>"And did you or did you not know what put me in a coma to begin with?"</p><p>"I knew. I never forgot about that, Felix. It was because you saved me."</p><p>Felix nodded in understanding, his lips pursing to show his irritation. "And yet you chose to flee the country and not come back, leaving me for good… leaving me for <em>dead</em>."</p><p>"Felix, that's not—"</p><p>"That to me means an end to whatever friendship we had back then<em>.</em> Whatever happened to that so-called friendship is a consequence of<em> your</em> actions, so don't try to put that on me. All I did was wake up from a coma only to learn you've already walked out of my life—"</p><p>"—Please let me explain—"</p><p>"—It's just exactly how you put it earlier. We <em>were</em> best friends – as in, in the past – and whatever friendship we had back then does not matter anymore."</p><p>"Look, I only said that because they asked me if I were to address you familiarly given our friendship and—"</p><p>"Our <em>past</em> friendship," Felix corrected. "It's all in the past now, and don't you dare get that part twisted. You were the one who ended it, Chris. I'm just giving you what you want. Like you said, we may have attended the same high school back then… but <em>that's that</em>."</p><p>"I… Lixie—"</p><p>"Don't call me that," he hissed, "especially when we are in the office. It's tacky, inappropriate, disrespectful, and it makes me very uncomfortable."</p><p>Chan looked down, unable to control the tears that were beginning to gather in his eyes. He deserved every bit of Felix's biting words, but that didn't make them hurt any less. "I'm sorry."</p><p>Felix did not expect to hear the break in Chan's' voice, but part of him broke as well when he did. Why did he have such a soft spot for someone he hated so much? He did not quite understand, but if there's one thing he wasn't going to do today, it was to break down and chicken out in front of the last man who was allowed to see him vulnerable ever again. It already pretty much happened yesterday. It wasn't going to happen again today. Not tomorrow. Not ever.</p><p>He'd made the mistake of letting his guard too far down back in high school, and that was something he swore he'd never ever do again. Not with anyone. Especially not with Chris all over again. He gave the older boy his life because he loved him like a brother. He trusted him more than he trusted his own family. But what did he get in return? A permanent injury and a lifetime supply of trust issues.</p><p>Never again was he going to allow himself to be nice or considerate or kind to this one person. Not when he's standing right there in front of him. Not when his dark brown eyes were filled with tears that Felix's younger self would have immediately sympathized to and gently wiped off. Not when his voice cracked as he finally uttered a word of apology. Not when the grief in his expression was enough to melt all the layers of frost that Felix had built around his now-frigid heart.</p><p>He wasn't going to give in to the temptation to let go of everything he held on to just because he heard the word "sorry" come out of Chan's mouth. Heck, that poor excuse of an apology wasn't even for the events that led them to where they were now, and it did nothing at all to help the pain of the past at least subside deep within.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Manager Lee," Chan apologized once again, this time correcting himself as he set his gaze set on the ground, his voice barely above a trembling whisper. The tension within his chest was visible in the way the water danced within the mug that was firmly held by his shaky hands.</p><p>"Don't waste your breath muttering empty apologies. I honestly don't need them and they don't change a thing anyway. Now stop wasting precious time and go back to work," Felix demanded before turning once again to leave the kitchen, stopping one last time before finally leaving. "Oh, and one more thing. If you want this professional relationship to work, this is going to be the last time you'll bring up personal matters with me in the workspace. If you need me for a work-related discussion, feel free to stop by my office. Otherwise – and I mean this in the nicest way possible – stay away from me."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The last two weeks have come and gone with 13-hour workdays and 0 words written for this story. Really glad I got this chapter written ahead of time because otherwise, I wouldn’t have anything to post today!</p><p>Anyway, I'm hoping to work less this week and to make some progress with this story so that I have something to share with you in January. Comments motivate me more than I can ever tell you, so to those of you who leave me a note - thank you and I so appreciate you. </p><p>I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season and I'll see you all in the new year! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Hyung!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris spun on his heels as soon as he heard that familiar voice call him from behind and smiled as he spotted his raven-haired friend running towards him, a huge Tupperware in hand while his backpack swayed with his movements from behind.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, hi Lix!" he greeted with a wave, stopping on his tracks to wait for the younger boy to catch up to him so they could approach the school entrance together.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're early today, but I'm glad!" the freckled boy said before pausing to catch his breath. "I forgot to tell you yesterday to come in early today so I can give this to you before classes start."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With his curiosity piqued, Chris raised his brow as he tried to sneak a peek at the container. "What's that?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Here," Felix said with outstretched arms, a wide grin as bright as the morning sunshine adorning his face as he handed over the container to the older boy. "Happy birthday, Hyung!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The greeting alone being said a pitch or two above Felix's usual speaking voice was enough to bring a smile to the older boy's face. Felix was usually too shy to act cute around anyone, but he definitely was slowly letting his guard down around Chris.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"O-oh." The older one laughed. "Yeah… I guess it is my birthday today."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>An audible gasp came from the younger one. "Don't tell me you forgot!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I did," he said with a small chuckle. "I don't really celebrate it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why not?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shrugged. "I just don't. I can't believe you remembered!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I can't believe you forgot!" he countered. "Of course I remembered your birthday. I have it on my calendar! And I made you a cake. You said you loved chocolate cake, right?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A soft blush peppered Chris' cheeks as he tried to open one corner of the container, the sweet aroma of the moist dessert immediately perking him up. "Oh my gosh, Felix, this looks amazing. But seriously, you shouldn't have."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What?" Felix smiled. "It's your special day, and I wasn't sure what to give you since you seem to have everything you want and need. So I just thought I'd give you something I made myself. I just hope you enjoy it. It was my first time baking a cake so I can't promise it'll be good—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Lixie," Chris said before pulling the younger one in to a hug. "Thank you. This is the best thing ever."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The freckled Australian giggled as he leaned into his older friend's frame and hugged him back. "Maybe you should taste it first before you say something like that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris laughed along. "It smells wonderful. I'm sure it tastes good," he declared as he rested an arm on Felix's shoulders before turning around to resume their walk to the school entrance. "Come, we're early today so we can enjoy this in the picnic field before class starts. Or should we pass by the cafeteria to get utensils first?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix beamed. "I brought disposable forks with me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris looked stunned. "You planned this all out."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Uh-huh. Yes, I did," he agreed with a nod.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"When did you have time to even make a cake for me? Lix, I know you're swamped with homework too. Please don't tell me—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't worry yourself about anything, Hyung," he assured with a hand on the other boy's arm. He knew Chris a little too well. He was always overly concerned about everything especially when it pertained to someone doing something for him. "Everything's all good. I got home immediately after school yesterday so I had some extra time."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Did… your parents say anything?" Chris had to ask. He knew Felix's parents had some issues with Felix not too long ago when he expressed his interest in joining their school's culinary club.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"About me cooking? No." Felix pretended to look away to try to find a tree for them to sit under and led the way towards the closest one, leaving Chris to follow him closely behind.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Your parents were okay with you baking on a weeknight?" the older one followed up as soon as he sat down, a concerned look laced in his expression.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They didn't know I baked anything," he clarified with a smirk. "I got home early and made the cake before anyone else got home. By the time they all arrived for dinner, I was in my room like normal. I mean… the house smelled of chocolate, but I opened the windows and by the time they got home, the scent had dissipated so it was all good."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Lix, you know how I feel about you sneaking from your parents."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It wasn't like I was sneaking out of the house at midnight or something. I wasn't sneaking to do any harm to anyone."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But yourself," Chris clarified. "You know you would have been in trouble if they caught you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix sighed. "I bake a cake for my best friend and I get a strict talking to in return…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I just don't want to get you in trouble, Lix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know. But like I said, they didn't even know, so there's no need for you to worry." He shrugged, conveniently leaving out the fact that Minho actually got home early from school that day as well and walked into the kitchen just as Felix was about to place the pan into the oven. Chris did not need to know that he and Minho got into a small argument over the cake. That Minho reprimanded him for wasting his weekly allowance getting ingredients for something so "base" and for wasting his time with "stupid" things rather than doing his homework. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Mkay, I'll let it go. But only because you had good intentions and I really appreciate your gesture," Chris said, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lip as he opened the container to reveal his best friend's masterpiece. The chocolate icing that used to be at the top of the cake had transferred over to the Tupperware's lid, but Chris couldn't care less as he ran a pinky finger over the edge of the icing to give it a taste test. "Oooooh, Lixie – it's already so good!" he marveled, the absolute delight on his face bringing a smile to Felix as well. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Here," he handed the older boy one of the disposable forks from his backpack. "But wait… shouldn't I sing you happy birthday first?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris giggled. "Don't be silly. That'll only get people's attention, which I don't want. I just want to dig in. It looks so delicious."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger one chuckled. That was the thing about Chris. He was popular in school for his achievements, but it wasn't like he sought out the attention. Felix knew that. It was given to him because he was good at what he set his mind into, but he wasn't one who actually craved the spotlight. If anything, he was quite the opposite, only allowing himself to be his true self when it was just the two of them hanging out together.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The squeal that came from Chris brought an even bigger smile to Felix's face, and he couldn't help but laugh out loud as he watched the older boy savor the bite he took while bopping on his seat with excited little claps.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I thought you turn a year older today, Hyung. Why are you acting like you regressed into a toddler?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix, this is the best chocolate cake ever," he said as he handed the container over to the other boy so he could have some as well.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Really?" He smiled embarrassedly. "I mean, I feel like I should have added just a bit more flour to make it—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wait. Did you make this from scratch?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix nodded. "Yeah. I feel like if I'm going to make something for you, might as well make it entirely from start to finish than cheat the process with a pre-boxed recipe."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Lixie, this is the best gift ever."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger one shook his head. "Don't be ridiculous, Hyung. It's just a birthday cake."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That you made. Specifically for me. From scratch. On a school night. That's no joke, Lix. Besides, no one's ever taken the effort to do something like this for me before. I don't even remember ever having a birthday cake in the past. That's really what makes this so much more special."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What do you mean you've never…?" Felix's eyes widened. "You've never had a birthday cake before?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris looked at him as though there shouldn't have been a reason for Felix to be surprised. With a shrug, he shook his head before taking another bite.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't think I believe that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why not?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You've got a lot of people who love you, Hyung. You're part of so many councils and clubs out here. You've got a lot of teachers and other students constantly rooting for you in all that you do. You're in so many community groups, and from what I can tell, you seem pretty close to your family too. There's no way that no one's ever given you a cake for your birthday before, especially since cake is like… a birthday thing."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris shrugged. "I'm telling you. You're the first. Up to you if you don't want to believe that. But believe me when I tell you that this. is. perfect," he said before taking yet another big bite. "Yoheellygooahih."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The freckled boy nearly choked on the small bite he took. "Sorry, what?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris giggled as well, waiting until he had swallowed the last bite he took before repeating himself. "I said you're really good at this."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I mean I still have a lot to learn…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Doesn't change the fact that for a beginner, you're really good at this. People don't usually nail down the perfect taste, consistency, texture, and form at their first try. This cake is so tasty and moist."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I followed a recipe, Hyung." He laughed, although he greatly appreciated Chris' kind gesture. Words of affirmation were not commonly handed out to him at home, and being able to do something worthwhile for his best friend that was well in line with one of his newfound hobbies filled his heart to the brim. "I'm not a genius baker."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris stared at him unamused. "I tried to make muffins for a school trip once. Out of a box. With three step-by-step guidelines that were easy to follow even by any sixth grader. I burnt them to a crisp. I don’t care what you say. You're a genius baker in my book," Chris declared as he playfully squished one of Felix's cheeks before reaching out to his fork again to start his day off with more sugar overload.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Felix stared at the untouched slice of chocolate cake that was placed on his desk earlier, wondering why something so simple and small as this reminded him of his high school days.</p><p>A chocolate cake should have been just <em>that</em>. A cake. A dessert. A source of sugar and happiness. Not something to remind him of his past. Not something to taunt him about his inability to move on from his broken friendship with Chris, even though he so desperately just wanted to leave all of it behind him.</p><p>Felix didn't understand it. He didn't understand why Chan was so loved by everyone in their office.</p><p>Actually, maybe Chan's simple gesture of sharing a slice of cake with Felix when the latter wasn't even part of the main celebration was a good clue as to why everyone loved him. But Felix tried to block that out.</p><p>As much as he wanted to admit the good he saw in Chan, he just couldn't. Felix understood that Chan may have never lost the charm he'd been so used to utilizing even from his teenage years. Generally speaking, he was undoubtedly decent. Maybe nice, even. But every time Felix reminded himself of the day he woke up in the hospital, confused and out of it and learning – almost unbelievably – that the person whose life he saved was out of the country to start a new life while he was stuck with a broken body in the ICU, it made him not want to admit every good thing he recognized in his former friend. The fact that he woke up with only vague little memories of Chris being with him as he lay there in a coma, only for such memories to be immediately debunked by his mother and brother, merely passing them off as dreams he might have had while he rested in his peaceful slumber, made Felix want to not have anything to do with his former best friend anymore. If anything, it made him want to keep building the wall around him even higher so he could maintain his distance and not put himself in a vulnerable position again that would allow Chris to hurt him the same way he did before.</p><p>And yet here he was, holding everything in as he remembered the commotion outside his office earlier today after work hours as staff members from various teams in their department congratulated Chan for his fifth anniversary at the company. Everyone appeared to be happy for him; some people even went out of their way to specifically stop by Chan's desk to greet him. His team members brought balloons for him and a small cake for them to share together.</p><p>It was this same cake that Chan divided into small slices to share with everyone still in the office – Felix included, even though he chose to hole himself up in his office rather than join the mini celebration.</p><p>Felix tried to push his feelings aside as memories of the birthday cake he once made for Chris entered his mind. It was the year after the latter had encouraged him to pursue a hobby that he was interested in. He could vividly remember the delight on his best friend's face the moment he took the dark chocolate cake out, not paying any mind to the fact that the cake's form was a little bit squished due to Felix's beginner-level packaging on a container that was a little too small for its contents.</p><p>Their source of happiness was so simple back then: for Chris, having Felix bake a cake for him for his birthday. For Felix, having someone genuinely appreciate all that he had to give, because at the time, after years of verbal abuse from bullies and countless comparisons with his all-star brother, he didn't think he really amounted to much… that was at least until Chris slowly proved him wrong.</p><p>Things, unfortunately, weren't as simple anymore. The gap between the two of them was not something that could be bridged by mere words of encouragement, and the struggle they both felt in whatever was left of their relationship was not something a chocolate cake could simply repair.</p><p>Felix looked out on his office's window, noting how dead the office is now compared to the celebrations held out there earlier. It was just him and Chan left in the office now at a half past eight in the evening, and they were supposed to meet briefly tonight as soon as Chan was done with the urgent project that one of the partners had demanded from their department by the following morning.</p><p>He watched as the brown-haired man looked through a folder for something in particular, his brows knitted together in concentration as he scanned through the sheets fastened to the file. It was quite a contrast to the expression he wore earlier when he celebrated with his teammates, and if Felix were being honest, he wasn't sure if he preferred seeing this expression over what he saw earlier.</p><p>The smile on Chan's face earlier was genuine as he thanked his co-workers. It was a smile Felix hadn't seen at all from the older male since they first crossed paths again ten days ago. To be honest, it was a smile Felix didn't think he'd see ever again, and witnessing it today made the emotions in his chest stir in ways he didn't want to admit. As much as he hated him, Felix couldn't help but recognize how much he missed seeing that smile. It used to be the only thing that could make his day, back when he didn't have much to look forward to in life before Chan had changed all of that for him.</p><p>Chan, on the other hand, felt the burning stare of his boss from his peripheral view, but he didn't dare look up to meet the latter's gaze. It was bad enough that he butchered their first encounter a few days ago by overstepping his boundaries as a mere employee. He wasn't going to engage in a stare-down with him just to try to get an idea on what was running in Felix's mind, even though deep inside that was all he wanted.</p><p>Felix's office was just a few meters to the left of Chan's desk, and when his door was open like it was tonight, it was so easy for them to make eye contact even when they don't plan on having their gazes meet. The fact that he could tell that Felix was watching him – he caught Felix's eyes earlier for a split second before averting his gaze to his own desk the same time that Felix shifted his eyes to his computer monitor – just made the atmosphere a tad more awkward, even though an entire doorframe and a small hallway separated them.</p><p>Clearing his throat, he tried to focus on the work he had at hand. It was getting late, he noted, and while he was a night owl, he wasn't planning on spending his entire evening in the office knowing he'll be back at it again bright and early tomorrow.</p><p>To be honest, working with Felix felt both like a blessing and a curse. A blessing because every single day he saw Felix in the office confirmed that he was not dreaming and that his former best friend was indeed alive, contrary to what he believed for the past eight years. It was a curse because every single day he saw Felix, he wanted to approach him and get things sorted out with him but his respect for the younger (now more superior) man told him he couldn't.</p><p>Felix had built a wall around himself, and it was one Chan couldn't seem to climb. He understood that the two of them have grown apart, just as the younger had told him previously, but there definitely was something different in the way Felix was now. He may have been cold towards Chan, and that was understandable because he was mad at him, but he was also very distant and stoic towards the rest of their co-workers. The version of Felix that Chan saw in front of him no longer had at least the slightest traces of the sweet, approachable kid he used to hang out with.</p><p>About another fifteen minutes later, Chan had wrapped up the task he had at hand, but the sound of a coughing fit coming from the direction of Felix's office pulled his attention. Within a split second, he stood from his desk and went to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water for the younger male, and stopping himself just as he reached the outside of the latter's office.</p><p>Chan tentatively entered, a glass of water in hand, and opened his mouth to explain his presence as soon as he caught Felix's attention. "I heard you coughing from outside so…" he trailed off, stepping forward to place the glass of water on the manager's desk.</p><p>Felix took the glass to take a drink, and as soon as his coughing fit was over, he cleared his throat and muttered a thanks towards the team leader.</p><p>Chan took a small step forward. "I know it's not my business to pry—"</p><p>"Then don't."</p><p>"Manager Lee, I'm just a little concerned. Maybe you should take a bit of a rest…" Chan suggested as he noted the time on the clock that hung on the wall.</p><p>"I'm fine."</p><p>"I, uhm… okay." He bit his tongue to stop himself from talking. The caring hyung in him wanted to protest and point out that Felix had not taken a break from work since he got in this morning, but he knew better than to cross the line again today as Felix's subordinate. "Um, if you want to get this over with and call it a day, I have the presentation and all the related documents all prepared if you're ready to meet now."</p><p>The younger man nodded, motioning for Chan to take a seat on the opposite side of his desk. "Feel free to bring them over and we can discuss."</p><p>Chan agreed and quickly ran to his desk to get his work laptop along with the folder he was rummaging through earlier. He entered Felix's office as quickly as he left and set his laptop on the desk in an angle that allowed both of them to view the screen.</p><p>To say that the atmosphere in the room was tense would have been a definite understatement. This was the first time the two of them had to work together by themselves, and with their irreconciled issues came the heavy air that made it hard for both of them to concentrate on the task at hand.</p><p>Chan had avoided Felix ever since their encounter in the kitchen last week. As much as he wanted to sit down and talk to the younger one – so he could find out what actually happened and why he was misinformed, and so he could learn more about how Felix really had been ever since he recovered from his injuries – he knew he had to keep his distance and give the younger one his space. Maybe now was not the time for them to talk about what happened in the past. Maybe Felix needed some time. Maybe he did too. Maybe he had to wait until Felix wasn't as cold towards him. Maybe he had to wait until he  wasn't as hurt by the words Felix directed towards him in the kitchen last week before leaving him alone.</p><p>Chan would never admit it to anyone, but after that conversation with Felix that day, he hadn't been okay. The last two weeks or so had been such a rollercoaster ride of emotions, between him once again mourning the loss of his friend on the eighth anniversary of the accident, to him finding out said friend was actually alive, to learning that Felix despised him for leaving Australia the way he did, to being told by Felix "in the nicest way possible" to stay away.</p><p>Sure, Chan understood where Felix was coming from. He <em>did </em>disappear all those years ago and not once had he reached back out to him ever since. Felix, who did not know the full story, definitely had the right to be mad. And come to think of it, Felix probably just directed those biting words to him last week to ensure that their personal squabble stayed out of the office. That part, he understood, and if they had to be professional in the workspace, then Chan could very well be professional in his conversations with Felix while they were at work.</p><p>It didn't change the fact that their situation didn't sit well with him, though. If he's had insomnia before, then he'd taken the term "sleepless nights" to a literal level in the last couple of days, and he knew that it was only a matter of time before he'd break down and try to talk to Felix again about their unresolved issues. Chan was never impulsive nor confrontational, but he was naturally attentive to those around him and he cared too much for someone like Felix who played a huge role during an important time of his life. Despite that, though, Chan had a firm resolve. And if he'd promised himself that he wasn't going to force the issue on Felix when the latter wasn't ready, then he wasn't going to even if it killed him inside.</p><p>"Why did you change your name again?" Felix asked suddenly as though he had no regard whatsoever for the slide deck that Chan had just briefly explained to him.</p><p>Felix's question caught the older male off guard, and the latter's brain momentarily too fogged up to form a coherent response to the sudden question thrown his way. "I'm sorry, what?"</p><p>"Your name," Felix clarified. "Why did you change it? Why did you go from Chris to Chan?"</p><p>Chan leaned away from the desk and lifted his gaze to meet the manager's uneasily. "I… I thought you didn't want me to discuss non-work-related matters in the office with you?"</p><p>Felix leaned back on his own seat and crossed his arms over his chest. "Oh, it's a work-related question. As your manager, I'm just concerned that I'm supervising someone who has a criminal record and is trying to start a new life hiding from authorities under a false identity." <em>Yeah, right,</em> Felix taunted himself inwardly as though that was the only reason he actually asked the question.</p><p>A small smile appeared on Chan's face, revealing one of his deep-set dimples. "Don't worry, Manager Lee. HR conducted a background check on me when I got hired. There's no need for you to worry about such things. But… may I ask where this is coming from?"</p><p>Felix shrugged. "I was just… wondering."</p><p>"Oh." Chan paused. "Was that… all?"</p><p>Felix sighed before leaning closer to the small screen again to distract himself from all the other questions brewing in his mind. "Yeah, you can proceed with the slides."</p><p>Chan nodded silently in agreement before refocusing his attention to the text on his screen, but he couldn't help but notice the uneasiness in Felix's face. His eyes were on the slides, and his head nodded along to Chan's explanation, but it felt as though his mind was somewhere else. Chan could tell from his blank expression and from the way he silently stared at the screen even after the older man had asked him a question that Felix had not really been paying attention.</p><p>Felix wanted so much to just be able to brush off the fact that Chan was here. To act as though he was no longer hurt by what became of their friendship. But deep inside, he just knew he couldn't. Every time he heard Chan's voice, he was reminded of the words of comfort the older male used to send his way when he was down – words that probably were founded on lies and deceit. Every time he saw Chan's dimples, he thought of all the laughter they shared – laughter that reflected mere fleeting happiness rather than the lasting joy that came with knowing you have someone you could turn to through thick and thin. Every time he saw Chan walking around the office without the limp that Felix had, every time he saw Chan being able to sit comfortably at his desk without having to first angle himself a certain way like Felix now had to do for the rest of his life, all he could think of was the other man's betrayal and ingratitude for leaving him to deal with everything on his own.</p><p>How could he move on when every day he saw a reminder of all the things he wanted to forget? How could he forgive when the person he took the fall for was too insensitive to realize how much suffering Felix had taken onto himself just to spare him of everything he suffered from now?</p><p>"Uh, Manager Lee?" Chan called out after recognizing that he was never going to get an answer to his question unless he grabbed his boss' attention back to the presentation.</p><p>The honey blonde man looked at him before leaning back on his seat again. Deep inside, Felix wanted to scold himself. He said he can be professional. Why could he not just focus on work and not on the fact that anger bubbled up in his chest right now simply because right next to him was the one man he promised he'd hate for the rest of his life?</p><p>"You know what's funny?" he said with a humorless chuckle. "The fact that I worked so hard to erase you from my life, and yet here we are, working together now. It's like I'm back to scratch having to see you every single day and all that."</p><p>Chan didn't know what to say. How was he even supposed to respond to that when he himself was distracted from work every time Felix was nearby?</p><p>"Tell me, Chan. Why did you not reach back out to me after all these years?" The question slipped out of his mouth before Felix could even stop it, and he regretted letting his emotions run his mouth the moment he realized what just happened. He didn't want to sound so needy and desperate. In fact, he wanted to project the opposite. So why say those words?</p><p>"Felix, I didn't know—"</p><p>"I mean, don't get me wrong," he cut the other off defensively. "That question made me sound like a clingy person, but that's not what I meant. Your departure actually was kind of a blessing to me because if you continued to be around, I would have never gotten the chance to fix my relationship with my brother. If I continued to have you in my life, I would have been stuck where I was on the road to nowhere. Everything worked out perfectly because you left, and I wouldn’t trade my relationship with Minho Hyung for anything in the world – not even our friendship. I just asked out of… y'know, curiosity."</p><p>Felix knew how much of a people-pleaser Chan was. If he showed Chan that he was hurt because of what happened in the past, Chan was going to sugarcoat his response to make it easier for Felix to take. That was not what the younger man wanted. He wanted the truth, and if he had to wear a mask of indifference to get the honest response he needed, so be it.</p><p>Chan took a deep breath. "Are you sure you want to talk about this tonight?"</p><p>"Jeongin told me that you had a hard life back then going back to school after the accident. Was that why you left?"</p><p>"N-no, Lix, I—"</p><p>"Was that why you ran away from home? Was that why you changed your name? To get away from the hardships of the past and start anew?"</p><p>Chan's lips paled. "R-ran… away?"</p><p>"I mean, it doesn't matter now, I guess. Clearly you're better off now with the life you've built for yourself here in Seoul. That's why you never came back, right?"</p><p>Chan brought his hands to his side to hide the fists that turned his knuckles white. "Felix, what did they tell you?"</p><p>The younger one shrugged. "As much as what I've already told you tonight."</p><p>"I don't know what they told you, but let me set something straight," the older male said, the seriousness in his voice enough to make Felix look intently at him as he listened. "I did <em>not </em>want to leave you."</p><p>The blonde man laughed humorlessly. "Chris, like I said, it's okay now. I'm not a child. I can take the truth—"</p><p>"—That <em>is </em>the truth!—"</p><p>"—The <em>truth</em> is that you ran away. Because everything in your life back then was nothing but pretense," Felix accused, the venom in his voice coming out with every sentence he uttered. "Your popularity in high school? That was just because you tried to dip your toes into everything to get your name out there. Your popularity didn't mean anything. Heck, you only had one friend to hang out with before and after school, and it was the same friend you could no longer treat as a 'friend' when he was of no use to you anymore."</p><p>"—But—"</p><p>"—Your high grades? That was just because you were every single teacher's pet, and they always backed you up in everything to give you a false sense of confidence. The 'friendship' that we shared?" He chuckled dryly. "Don't get me started, <em>Hyung</em>. You befriended me because you knew I had no one else to be around with. You befriended me because you knew just how much I needed company and a protector of sorts from all the bullies back then, and taking on that role boosted your ego. And when I was no longer good for anything – when I was vegetable in the hospital after saving your damn life – you chose to run away because you lost the only friend you had in high school and the rumors that circulated in connection to that destroyed the one other pretentious thing you had: your reputation."</p><p>"That is not true!"</p><p>"You wanted to talk last week, right? You wanted to talk about all this. Well, I'm giving it to you now to get it out of the way. This probably wasn't what you were expecting to hear, huh? You probably wanted me to be the same Felix you knew back then. The innocent kid who looked at you as though you were his superman. The innocent kid who couldn't see past your false identity. Well guess what? Here's your rude awakening. That innocent kid is gone. He died along with the fake friendship you tried to lead him on."</p><p>"Felix, I—"</p><p>"You ran away because you're a coward. Because you're selfish and only cared about yourself. Even when I had pretty much given my life just to protect you, in the end all you cared about was yourself. You couldn't even wait for me to wake up or like… actually <em>die</em> before leaving the country. You couldn't wait to find out what my fate was before you tried to go and chase your own destiny. So don't try to tell me now that you never wanted to leave me or that you wanted to bring our friendship back to what it was because that friendship was never founded on sincerity to begin with. You left me when I needed you the most, and I can't let you back in now even if I wanted to—"</p><p>"They told me you died, Felix!" Chan exclaimed as he stood from his seat, pushing his chair back far enough for it to make a loud thud as it hit the wall behind him and causing an immediate halt to the younger man's rant.</p><p>Felix looked at him in slight disbelief, his mouth agape as he stopped midsentence and couldn't find the words to continue.</p><p>"I never reached back out to you because all along I thought I had no one to reach out to anymore. They told me you were gone." Chan tried to blink away the tears that started collecting at his eyes. "You don't know how much I suffered. You don't know how hard it was to live with that guilt for eight years. I <em>mourned</em> for you, Felix. For eight freaking years, I've mourned for you. I know you have a right to be mad at me for leaving you back then, but you have no right to tell me that the friendship I had with you was never founded on sincerity because I had been nothing but sincere towards you. I wouldn't have thrown away my life the way I did if I actually didn’t care about you."</p><p>Chan turned around to leave, chest heavy and legs shaky from all of the emotions that ran through his veins. They haven't even gotten to the bottom of it all, but he's had enough for one day. Felix exploded on him right when he wasn't expecting, and all the words and accusations that came from him was too much for Chan to take in a span of two minutes.</p><p>"Maybe working one-on-one with you is not the best idea after all," he said with a heavy breath as his heart raced in his chest. "I'll email the slides to you for review. Just let me know what needs to be revised and I'll get it done first thing tomorrow before sending it off."</p><p>And just as he walked out of Felix's life eight years ago with the latter not getting a say, he stumbled out of the small office without even waiting for a response from the man he once thought was his best friend.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The look on Chris' face the moment his mother walked into his room the day he was being discharged from the hospital was a look Felix would remember for the rest of his life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was a look of relief. Of contentment. Of endless gratitude as though he won the lottery. It was the same look a child would've had upon receiving the first birthday gift he's actually ever wished for. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was a look that was very different from the expression that's been painted on his face ever since his mother walked out of that same room two evenings ago, leaving Chris alone to deal with his emotions and the trauma of the accident by himself, with no loving arms to run to and no comforting words to cling to.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris was inconsolable ever since that evening, and Felix wasn't really able to do much other than helplessly watch him from a distance, shedding a few tears of his own as he felt secondhand pain from what his best friend was going through. Between the conversation he had with his mother and his reaction upon seeing Felix's injured state the following day after finally being allowed to visit him in the ICU, Felix was honestly more worried about his best friend's mental and emotional state than his own physical state.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The way Chris cried by his best friend's bedside stirred a sense of desperation in Felix that he'd never felt before. It was one thing to see the blonde distraught about what had become of the younger teenager because of the accident; it was another to not be able to tell him that he was here, actually right next to him, feeling okay and alive and far from pain… except he did not know how exactly to return to his own body. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Knowing how Chris was, Felix knew that the older boy internalized everything and blamed himself for what happened. He did not need to hear it from anyone. He automatically took the guilt upon himself knowing that he should have been the one in a coma right now had it not been for the younger one's quick reflexes. The fact that his mother verbally placed the blame on him must have made that weight even heavier for Chris, and Felix wasn't sure how exactly he could alleviate that pain when he didn't know how to get out of the state he was currently in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris' visit was cut short when, not too long after a nurse had accompanied him in and left him to his privacy with the patient, Felix's mother walked into the room and sharply asked him what he was doing there. He opened his mouth to respond as he wiped away the tears on his cheeks, but Mrs. Lee did not allow him to get a word in. Instead, she instructed Minho to drag him out of the room as she stepped in between Chris and the hospital bed, placing a protective arm between her youngest and the guilty boy as though doing so was going to make any difference. As though Chris was out there to hurt her son. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho, being the ever-obedient son, tried to coax Chris away from the room, but he wasn't sure how exactly he was going to pull the older boy out when both his forearms were injured and wrapped in splints. In the end he pulled the blonde by the upper arm and pushed him out towards the door, gently enough so as not to cause him to stumble but forceful enough to get his message across.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix wanted to step in. To tell his mother that Chris was not at fault and that now was not the time to really place the blame on the already-remorseful boy. While Felix's heart was full for the fact that his mother had finally acted on her maternal instincts and spent every minute she could caring for him in the ICU, he couldn't really say that he was happy with her after witnessing their encounter. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Instead of staying in the ICU, Felix opted to walk back with Chris to his room. He was determined to stay alive for his best friend, but he was also just as determined to be the one person there for him when everyone had deserted him. It didn’t matter that Chris didn't know. It didn't matter that Chris couldn't see him. He just wanted to be there for his Hyung the exact same way the latter was always there for him all these past three years that they've known each other.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When Chris' mother walked into the room, Felix wasn't sure how he felt. He'd be the first to admit that he was nervous for his friend. For the treatment that he might get. For the harsh words that he might receive. Instead, they were met with a tense atmosphere and awkward silence that was broken by Chris' quiet voice.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Y-you came back…" Chris noted, almost in disbelief as he briefly lifted his gaze to meet his stepmother's.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The hospital staff informed me you were well enough to be discharged. I already talked to your doctor." She paused and shrugged. "Someone had to pay the bills and take you home."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris deflated. She came back out of obligation, not out of concern. A pang of disappointment hit him hard on the chest, but he was grateful that she was there nonetheless. She could have left him to deal with the cost of his hospital stay, or she could have come here with a bag of his belongings to shove at his face with a note telling him to find some other place to go. And yet she was here to settle the account and take him home, even after everything that had happened two nights ago. Chris looked at the positive side and was overcome with a sense of joy that he hadn't felt in the past thirty-six hours.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry…" he didn't shy away from saying once again even though he already repeatedly apologized during their previous encounter. "…for everything."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She sighed. "I know I was harsh towards you the other day. I recognize that. I'm not going to repeat myself today and reprimand you again, but I hope you know that just because I'm here today to pick you up and take you back home does not make us completely okay."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He nodded. "I understand."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was the last exchange Felix had heard from Chris and his mother as they silently packed up whatever Chris had in his hospital room to take home with him, which weren't even much. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix couldn't help the unsettling feeling he had in his stomach. He was glad that Chris was well enough to go home, but Chris' departure from the hospital also meant two things: it meant Chris was going to a place that may or may not be hostile towards him (Felix questioned everything he thought he knew about Chris' relationship with his parents ever since the other night) and it also meant that Felix was not going to be able watch over his best friend and provide him the comfort and company that he might need. Not that he could do much to protect him in his current state anyway, but at least knowing what was happening with Chris was far better than not knowing anything at all.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What if he came home with them?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix seriously considered the idea. No one could see him in this form anyway so it wasn't like anyone would know that his soul was out wandering around with Chris while his body rested and healed itself in the hospital. But then again, he was scared of what the consequences of such an action might be, and the last thing he wanted was to cause irreparable damage to his already desperate case.</em>
</p><p>"I don't care what kind of voodoo you have to do to get Felix out of that ICU, but until you are able to fix this mess you created, you can forget you ever had a family to come home to."</p><p>
  <em>Chris' mother's voice echoed in the back of Felix's mind, and he knew he had to stay alive at least for his best friend. Even if it meant wandering the halls of the hospital on his own while trying to figure out how he could wake himself up from this state. Even if it meant that he was going to be all alone here for who knows how long. Even if it meant not being able to keep a watchful eye on Chris to make sure he's okay.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>While he couldn't stop himself from worrying about the blonde boy, Felix reminded himself of the latter's positivity and strength. Chris had known that he wasn't born into his current family, but he kept that part of his identity tucked away all this time and he didn't let it define who he was or what he was capable of achieving. Whatever it was that he was dealing with at home, he managed to keep on the backburner as he did what he had to do in school to be one of the most successful students on campus. Maybe Felix was just overthinking things, and worrying for Chris was over the top. Maybe this was just one of those things Chris would be able to sweep off under the rug as soon as he goes back to school and focuses on his responsibilities as a student to keep the distraction of their situation at bay. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>That distraction didn't really come until the following week, though, since Chris' parents decided that he wasn't returning to school immediately after being discharged from the hospital. Chris instead spent the rest of the week spending his day next to Felix, fearlessly facing Minho and the freckled boy's mother who had only reluctantly stopped ordering for Chris to be banned from the room after investigators on the incident informed her right in front of Felix and Chris that the older student was indeed the reason her son was even still alive in the hospital right now. That their case was a hit-and-run situation, and if not for Chris' efforts to save Felix that evening, despite it seeming futile at the time, Felix would probably be six feet underground by now instead of being in the ICU.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Lee still was not happy with the sight of Chris in her son's room, knowing the circumstances that led to their current predicament. However, she recognized that she owed Chris her son's life and that she had to at least give him an opportunity to visit.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix was happy with whatever small progress they had. Being stuck in that place was getting a little too old too soon, and while he loved his mother and brother, he was tired of hearing them talk to him day in and day out especially given the fact that he never grew up close to either of them. They didn't know or acknowledge his interests, and he didn't understand whatever it was that they talked to him about because it was all business jargon that he couldn't care less about.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris, however, was different. He talked to Felix about all kinds of things. Things that he knew Felix wanted to hear about. Things that he knew Felix was interested in. Except, of course, for one topic Felix wished Chris would have disclosed with him but didn't: how he really was doing.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix wanted so bad to ask him that question. To ask Chris if he was okay. The same way Chris always knew when to throw that question into their conversations in such a way that Felix couldn't help but respond truthfully.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>See, that was Chris' specialty. He knew Felix a little too well and always had the intuition for when Felix needed to get something off his chest. He always knew when a "how are you" can be brushed off in their casual daily conversations and when it was necessary for him to drop whatever it was he was doing and corner the younger boy to get him to spill whatever it was that he was holding deep inside.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For once, Felix had that feeling. He had that same gut feeling Chris had always had with him, and if only time would give him the opportunity, he really wanted to ask Chris how he was holding up right now. It had been three days since he had been discharged from the hospital, and this was the third visit Felix had gotten from his best friend.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix understood from Chris' one-sided conversations with him that he was going to go back to school on Monday the following week. But while Felix enjoyed his best friend's company, he couldn't help but wonder why Chris chose to spend this week off from school there at the hospital rather than at home.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He saw Chris' own set of injuries. They may not have been as bad as Felix's, but he had his own share of them. Why was he not resting up? Why did he opt to sit on that uncomfortable chair by his bedside when he could be lying comfortably on his own bed instead? Was he there out of concern for the younger? Or was there something he was trying to avoid at home?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Days have gone by and things did not change.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix was still helpless as ever, while Chris continued to visit him religiously, shifting his visitation times to late afternoons as soon as he started going back to school. Some days, he spent some time talking to Felix about stuff from school, while some days, he chose to stay quiet as though in deep thought as he sat next to the younger boy. Either way, he spent his evenings doing homework vigils in Felix's hospital room after Minho and Mrs. Lee have left the premises, taking just a few hours of shuteye as he sat on the uncomfortable chair by Felix's side. He'd never been such a nocturnal person until the day he first started visiting his friend in the hospital.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix was beyond grateful to have Chris next to him. But his concern also continued to grow as he noticed that Chris never mentioned a single word about his situation at home and why he chose to spend his evenings there with him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The fact that he'd kept his adoption status hidden all this time did not make it that much surprising to Felix that Chris opted not to speak about family matters now, but that did not really ease his worries especially after he witnessed the treatment the older boy had received from his mother more than a week ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The daily visits with no talk of his home continued for three weeks, until finally one day Chris entered his hospital room, an uneasy expression gracing his features as he sat next to Felix's bed and ran his index finger against the back of Felix's hand playfully like he normally did as a greeting whenever he arrived. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix hovered closer to him as soon as Chris settled down, a small smile gracing his face as he watched and listened to his best friend. He always felt a lot safer and calmer whenever Chris walked into his room, even though he knew that rationally speaking there wasn't anything his best friend could do to protect him to warrant him feeling this way when graced by his presence. Nonetheless, he reveled in the lighter sensation he felt when Chris was around.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I… I don't know what happened, Lix," the older boy whispered, causing a frown to replace the smile that was on Felix's face. "I was getting used to how things were and… and all of a sudden everything's different. All of a sudden they're nice to me. All of a sudden, I was forgiven. All of a sudden, I was good enough for them again."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix looked at him worriedly, knowing immediately that Chris was talking about his parents. Why did Chris sound so concerned? Wasn't that a good thing that things were getting better for him at home?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They told me about a trip. They're making a last-minute business trip to South Korea next week, and th-they asked me if I want to go with them." He swallowed a lump in his throat before continuing. "I… I don't know if I want to. I mean… selfishly, I want to. But I don't want to leave you, Lix. Not now. Not when you're still… like this. I don't want to leave you, but… but I've waited for this for so long. Ever since I left Korea when I was five years old, I've never been able to go back. You see, Lix… before I left the country, I never got the chance to visit my real parents' grave even though I asked them countless times to take me to them."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's heart dropped. How had he not known all this time that Chris – the most positive and vibrant, sweetest older brother who brought light into his life – was, in fact, an orphan? How much load had Chris carried with him this whole time, and why did he choose to keep it all to himself? Felix would have helped him carry the load in his chest in a heartbeat if only he knew the circumstances Chris had to live with.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Growing up, I've always asked them when we were going to go back, and I always thought they were just giving me empty promises because we never got the chance to… until now. I don't want you to think that I'm leaving you. It's not like that. I'll only be gone for three days. I… I know that with your condition, a lot can happen in three days. That really worries me… but it'll be alright, right Lix? We still have a couple of days. I'll continue to visit you every day until we leave. Maybe one of these days, maybe before our flight… maybe you'll wake up for me? I… I don't want to rush you if you still need the time to recover, but just… maybe there's a small chance you'll open your eyes before I leave and I can explain everything to you before I momentarily disappear and leave your side."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix knew what Chris meant, but the way he worded his statement did not sit well with the younger boy. Yes, Chris was leaving for a few days. And yes, a few days felt like a lot especially for a soul that helplessly and invisibly floated around while waiting for the right time for his body to be ready to take him back in, but he didn't like the idea of his friend 'disappearing.' It sounded so final. So permanent, even though Felix understood that it was just temporary.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm really torn, Lix. I've spent every single day of the past three weeks with you; I don't quite know how to operate otherwise anymore. But… this might be my only chance to see my parents again. I've been away from them for twelve years now. You won't hate me if I go, would you? If you somehow end up waking up before I get back and you realize how far away I am while you're stuck here?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix wished more than anything that Chris could feel his presence as he sobbed next to the older boy. He wanted to tell him how felt. He wanted to tell him that of course, he understood. He totally understood Chris' desire to go back to South Korea, especially now that Felix knew about where Chris stood with the family he'd grown in. After witnessing all the pain that Chris had gone through in just the past month, from the way he handled the accident, to the way his mother had treated him, to the way Mrs. Lee and Minho blamed him for what happened to Felix, and the way he spent all his waking – even sleeping – hours keeping Felix company as he very patiently waited for the younger boy to be conscious again, Felix understood. He understood not only Chris' desire to go back, but he also understood Chris' need for a break especially if such a break were his only opportunity to be reunited with his real parents. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>True to his word, Chris visited him every single day for the remainder of that week before leaving for Seoul the following Monday. Their flight was in the morning, he explained, so his last visit to Felix took place on Sunday, when his visit lasted for about twelve hours beginning from sunrise.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix hated the sadness that he could read in Chris' eyes that day. He knew that Chris wished for him to wake up before the day ended. He knew that Chris wished for the day to not end as soon as it did. The closer they got to sunset, the more his hesitation became evident. Felix hated the fact that the one thing Chris had been longing for for so long was finally within his reach now, and yet he couldn't fully enjoy it because Felix's future was still uncertain. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wanted to assure him that he was okay. That he will be okay and that Chris will return by the end of the week to the same Felix that was next to him right now. But how could he? He couldn't guarantee anything about his future. He couldn't even go back to his body even if he wanted to. In a way, he was not in control of anything. Not his existence. Not his physical being. Not his own future. Besides, Chris didn't even know that his soul was there. He didn't even know that he could see him and hear him and feel his pain. How could Felix comfort him when he didn't even know how to get through?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm taking with me the hoodie you gave me last Christmas," the blonde-haired boy said that afternoon as he took the younger boy's smaller hand into his. The day was slowly coming to an end, and they both knew that the time for them to temporarily say goodbye was soon approaching. "I know it's summer over there and it's probably too hot right now to be wearing hoodies but… it's the only thing I have that makes me feel like I'm right next to you. It's soft and warm, just like your hugs…"</em>
</p><p><em>Felix's eyes teared up as he asked himself what he did to ever deserve a friend as caring and as loving as Chris. Actually – no, he knew he didn't deserve a friend like Chris. It's not like he'd ever been a really good person to warrant having Chris enter his life. On the contrary, he'd been nonchalant about his social life ever since he was young, thinking cynically to himself that while it must have been nice to have </em>that <em>kind of best friend, it was something that probably only happened in the movies, and he who exhibited nothing that made him special was probably one of the last few people in the planet to ever find such a friend. And yet here he was, standing next to the best friend he'd only dreamed of before, still wondering how he could have been so lucky. Thinking to himself how Chris had very easily proved his theory wrong. He didn't think he'd ever find someone who valued him as much as Chris did. Not even people who were tied to him by blood.</em></p><p>
  <em>"It feels really unfair that I'm the one leaving you behind, and yet I'm the one seeking for comfort from your hoodie," the older one continued as he pulled a small item from his pocket. "So I want you to have this." It was an old sterling silver necklace whose chain was slightly discolored from its age and repeated use. The pendant was a small sunshine charm that bore the Hangul character for 'Chan' ever so lightly in the middle, while the rays stuck out to the sides in various lengths to make the pendant appear slightly bigger than its actual size. Chris placed the pendant on the palm of Felix's free hand and wrapped the chain around his fingers before folding them to a closed fist over the item. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"This necklace is the only thing I have from my childhood before I got adopted, Lix. I'm giving it to you right now so that you have more than just my words to hold onto. It probably wouldn't mean anything to you… but to me it means everything. I'm giving it to you now as a promise. I promise that I'll be back before you know it. Just promise me you'll wait for me too, okay?"</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Whew. That was a lot.</p><p>Happy New Year, y'all!</p><p>So the comments that I received in the last two weeks got me going so. frigging. good. that I ended up writing 25,000+ words for what should have been one chapter. Haha. Given the length, I'll be splitting that one up into two, but I can't wait until the time comes for me to be able to share both with you! Basically what I want to say is... your comments REALLY motivate me and I just want to thank everyone who took the time to leave a note. I honestly probably wouldn't have been able to write as much if not for those notifications that kept me going, so thank you! It's just so interesting for me to read about your thoughts on what's going on with the story so far! &lt;3</p><p>See you again in two weeks! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Chapter 7</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: harassment</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Everything should have looked familiar to him, but somehow nothing did.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was an odd feeling. It was like coming "home" to a place that felt anything but home. Granted, he was just about a preschooler when he left the country, and had never set foot in this place ever since, but wasn't he at least supposed to remember some of the things that supposedly made South Korea his original home apart from Australia?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The only images he could pull from his memory in relation to Seoul were his now-nonexistent childhood house that burned to ashes before his eyes, the worried look on his dad's face as he tried to get him to safety before re-entering said house to look for his mom, and the welcoming-but-not-as-homey atmosphere of the family services agency that took him in as an orphan and that connected him to his now-adoptive parents. Everything else was just as much a blur as the smog that clouded over his sight as he took one last glance at the bedroom he once called his own before being hoisted up his dad's shoulders for the last time in his life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Technically speaking, the parents he came to grow up with were his aunt and uncle, but he never dared to refer to them as that after specifically being asked that he call them Mom and Dad when they gave him their last name. Mrs. Yang was then pregnant with their first son, but they took Chris' entrance into their lives as an opportunity to not only help their nephew but also to give their child an older brother to look up to.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was the perfect timing, with Chris being in need of someone to care for him and the newly formed family needing someone for their child to turn to as a role model and protector of sorts, and Chris had fit that responsibility so well. He'd always been responsible and disciplined as a child, which was a far cry from what the Yang couple expected from him given that he was an only child who very easily could have been spoiled by his very loving parents.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In a way, it was a match made in heaven because Jeongin's entrance into his life also served somewhat as a therapy for Chris to help him bounce back from the trauma and sadness that came with losing his real parents. In turn, they spent so much time together that Jeongin adored his older brother, wanting nothing but time to play with and learn from him whenever the latter got home from school in addition to the evening cuddles that accompanied little bedtime stories that Chris read out loud to him to serve as his practice both in reading and in English pronunciation. Mr. and Mrs. Yang jokingly used to say back then that Jeongin unleashed the cuddle bug in Chris, as he'd never been as affectionate with them as he'd become when Jeongin became a toddler.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The brothers grew up really close to each other, and Chris was nothing but thankful to his adoptive parents for giving him a second chance at life. Needless to say, his new parents were unlike his real parents given that their parenting styles were different and the environment in his new home was a far cry from what he was familiar with in Seoul, but they were close enough for him to feel some sort of normalcy in what he now regarded as his new family.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>At least that was until he got to around the age of 10 and Jeongin, then turning five years old, started attending primary school with him. It was then that a sense of sibling rivalry had started etching its way into their relationship, and Chris slowly started feeling Jeongin slip away.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris always effortlessly brought home perfect grades and positive notes from his teachers. He was the studious kid who never had to be reprimanded for not starting on his homework after snack time when they got home from school. He was the kid who did his chores with no prompting. Jeongin was not quite the same, and he struggled with the fact that he had to work twice as hard just to get the same praises his older brother was getting both from teachers and his own parents.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mr. and Mrs. Yang would never tell Chris, but they stopped showering him with compliments when Jeongin once broke down in front of them and honestly told them how he felt. From then on, they limited their affirmations for him when he brought home straight-A reports. They withdrew their physical and emotional support from his extracurricular activities, limiting themselves to providing him with financial support when needed but never actually being there to cheer him on. It was then that Chris had slowly started feeling that his adoptive parents were also slipping away from him, but he didn't really know or understand what he'd ever done wrong for things to change. Neither was he comfortable enough to have the courage to even ask.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Over time, subtle words and actions kept popping up at home that reminded him that he was the outsider. That he didn't truly belong there in the first place. That his parents were not his real parents and his brother was not his real brother. Jeongin was the real Yang offspring. Not him. No one blatantly said it out loud, but their actions proved to be louder than words and in an effort to appease the younger boy's insecurities, this was the message that the couple inadvertently delivered to their children. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Little by little, the hole in his relationship with his own family started getting bigger, and Chris couldn't really do much but silently endure it, reminding himself that they adopted him of their own accord and that he had to be grateful for whatever it was that they could do for him – for whatever limited amount of care they could give to him. If they did not take him home, he would have never been Chris. He never would have learned how to speak in English as fluently as he did now. He never would have seen his parents' faces again (since they were the ones who gave him the last copy of his parents' photos that he now kept with him). He never would have met Jeongin, whom he loved dearly. He never would have met Felix, whom he considered like a brother. He never would have left South Korea. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wondered what his life would have been like had he not left his original home. What his life would have been like had the tragedy not happened all those years ago. Would his parents still be making music now if they were alive, just as he remembered them doing so in the living room back when he was a kid? He smiled at the memory of his dad effortlessly allowing his fingers to dance on the keys of the piano as he composed a tune on the spot while his mom hummed along next to him as though planning out the words that would fit perfectly for the melody his father was creating. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Are you seriously wearing a hoodie in the middle of summer?" Mrs. Yang's voice pulled Chris from his thoughts and he's brought back to the reality that he was sitting on the backseat of a rented car, looking out the tinted windows as he took in the unfamiliarity of the city he once called home. He looked down at his outfit to check what his stepmom was referring to and could understand the ridicule in her tone. After all, it was summer in South Korea right now and the sun blazed relentlessly outdoors. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah…" he simply said with a shrug, not wanting to explain the significance of the hoodie. It was the one Felix gave him last Christmas. "It's comfy."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Alright, this is where we drop you off," Mr. Yang said as he parked the car in front of a gated property that appeared to be a cemetery. "You know where to find your parents?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris nodded assuredly as he held onto his phone in his pocket. He'd recently been in touch with someone from the agency who took his case as a child, and he managed to have someone send him instructions as to how he could locate his parents' tombs. Mr. and Mrs. Yang were impressed that he managed to pin down the logistics so quickly since they only told him about the trip last week, but in a way, it helped alleviate their worries about the teenager. He was proactive and street smart, qualities that would greatly help him down the road. If anything, it made them trust that he'd be able to figure his way around in life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They clarified that the drop-off spot was going to be the same spot they'll be picking him up at three hours later. That would have given Chris enough time to look for his parents and spend some time with them, before having to go back to the hotel in which he and his adoptive parents stayed. In the meantime, Mr. and Mrs. Yang were going to check into the hotel, drop off their items, and plan the logistics of tomorrow's meeting with a client.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>After they agreed on the plan, Chris took a deep breath and opened the door to the car, taking nothing but his phone with him as he exited and waved at them. A bittersweet smile crept through his face as he ushered himself into the cemetery and began his search for his parents with the guidance of the instructions he received in an email. The directions were easy to follow, and in no time, Chris had come face-to-face with the tombstones that bore his parents' names along with the date that changed their lives forever. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tears immediately pooled at his eyes as he sat on the grass and ran his hand against the stone. How long had he been waiting for this moment? How many ways had he imagined this day to unfold? How many words, sentences, stories did he want to tell them? Where could he even begin? He planned everything out before, but now that he's here, his mind was blank. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Eomma… Appa…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He only had to utter those two words he hadn't spoken since he was five for the dam of his emotions to break. Before he knew it, he was openly crying as he leaned forward onto the stone in an embrace. His chest throbbed with the joy of finding his way back to them but not without the intense pain of yearning for them… of longing to be with them again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry it's been so long… I-I wanted to see you this whole time but I haven't been given the chance." He sniffed. "Mom and Dad… they took me to Australia. We haven't returned ever since we left… at least not until now. And that is why it's taken me forever to visit you. Please forgive me Eomma… Appa… I… I'm sorry I had to live like this – away from you. But more than that, I'm sorry I had to live when… when you… can't."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris had to wonder if the pain that he felt in his heart had been there all along, only masked by the daily activities that distracted him from his longing for his real parents. Being here now took all of that pretense away, and looking at his parents' tombs was almost like looking at himself in the mirror: cold, empty, and desolate. Only now had he realized how dead he was on the inside – how dead he'd actually been on the inside ever since he lost his parents at such a young age.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I hope you're okay wherever you are. I hope you're still making music together in heaven. I hope you're not constantly worrying about me anymore like you did back then. Mom and Dad are nothing like you – or at least they're nothing like what I remember of you – but they care for me," he explained, unsure as to whether he was convincing his parents or himself. Maybe both.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No one forced them to, but they took me in voluntarily and became the parents that even I didn't ask for. They helped me and they provided for me. They still do, actually, and even though…" More tears pooled at his eyes as he thought of his broken relationship with his adoptive parents. "…even though sometimes I wish for more, or sometimes I wish that things were a little bit different, I know that that's just me being ungrateful. They're a blessing to me. I owe them a lot."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He spent the remainder of his time with them telling them about his life in Australia, assuring them that he was in good hands. He proudly told them that he had a brother now, letting out a bittersweet smile as he recalled how his real parents used to promise him when he was little that in time, they were going to give him a younger sibling because he was too outgoing and bubbly and they did not want him to be so lonely. Opting not to tell most of the stories he had about Jeongin (since they all had to do with the younger one being distant from him the last couple of years), he quickly changed topics and gushed about Felix, telling them about how he was like a little brother to him as well.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He talked about how they met, about the meals they shared together, the advice he told the younger, the ways in which Felix made him feel important – skipping over the fact that he does so in ways in which his own family didn't – and how Felix most recently, just like his dad all those years ago, sacrificed his own life just for the sake of Chris. As he recognized the parallelism between both the fire and the recent accident, he teared up at the idea of Felix suffering the same fate as his father. Desperately, he begged his parents to help him pray for Felix's recovery, not even wanting to entertain the thought of possibly losing his best friend especially at this time when he was away and unable to run to Felix's side.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The three hours pass by a lot quicker than he was expecting, and very reluctantly, he said goodbye to his parents once more, this time promising that it wouldn't take him as long to visit them again. Chris' natural optimism fueled the dream he had that he was going to be able to build a bright future ahead of him that would allow him to travel back to South Korea at least every few years so he can visit his parents and get reacquainted with the place he used to call home. That was his plan, and he was going to work as hard as it took to make it a reality. Maybe one day, he could take Felix along with him too. That would have been a dream. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He made it just in time to get to the designated pick-up place his adoptive parents told him about earlier, and he sent both adults a short text message to let them know that he was there. Unlike the regular acknowledgment he used to get from them, though, neither of them responded to his message.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they were just caught up with something else and were therefore running late. That happened from time to time with them since they were very busy with their business, and short trips like these tended to be jampacked given the ambitious number of things they generally wanted to accomplish for so little amount of time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A minute of waiting turned to fifteen, and soon a half-hour turned into a full hour. Chris patiently waited, but the longer he found himself out there, the more anxious he became. Turning on his phone's screen, he took note of his 62% battery and the time that angrily reminded him of how long he'd been standing there. At 4:30pm, he tried calling both of his parents, but neither of them picked up. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>At 5:30pm, he started looking up the address of the hotel he remembered his parents mentioned they were going to be checking into and tried to figure out how he could get there by himself… possibly by foot. With nothing but his phone on him, there was no way he could take any mode of public transportation. It wasn't like he knew his way around anyway, so he trusted the directions listed out for him on the map application he had on his phone and started treading his way to the hotel.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By 7pm, he received a text notification. Upon seeing the name 'Mom' appear on the screen, he heaved out a huge sigh of relief even though he was pretty close to the hotel at this point. He clicked the message open.</em>
</p><p><em>'</em>You wouldn't understand us now, Chris, but we had to do this. Nothing happened by accident; this was all part of the plan. You'll be okay on your own. I'm sorry we had to go about it in this way, but at least you're home now.'</p><p><em>He read the message multiple times before deciding whether he wanted to call or text in response. He dialed her number, but as soon as he realized that she wasn't going to pick up, he typed his reply instead and sent it off. </em>'What do you mean?'</p><p>
  <em>She never responded back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He finally got to his destination at 7:14pm, just as the sun was beginning to set, and though he felt sweaty, gross, and tired, he mustered up the courage to walk into the hotel and ask the receptionist what hotel room they were checked into. If his adoptive parents were not going to answer his calls and texts, maybe seeing him on their doorstep would force them to explain to him what exactly that cryptic text was all about.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He repeatedly told the receptionist their names, spelling it forwards and backwards, in English and in Hangul, but they were not found in the system. Apparently, his parents never checked into the hotel they said they were going to, and just as Chris felt like he was smart enough to find his way to the hotel without needing his parents to take him there, he felt dumb enough to trust the misleading information they gave him.</em>
</p><p>'Nothing happened by accident; this was all part of the plan.'</p><p>
  <em>Well at least that part of the text kind of made sense now. He exited the hotel with nothing but a dead phone, an empty stomach, his injured pride, and his crushed spirit.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So they left him to fend for himself in the middle of nowhere. What now?</em>
</p><p>'At least you're home now.'</p><p>
  <em>The message from his adoptive mother repeated itself in his head and he wasn't sure whether to use it as his motivation or to use it for consolation. For a moment, he had to stop and think: Was she saying Sydney was never his home? That he didn't belong there with them after all? That the last twelve years were a fluke and they were returning him now that they no longer wanted him?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With a sigh, he kept walking, aiming at no direction in particular since he didn't know where he was going anyway. Was he going to be begging for food now? How was he going to spend the night when he had no place to stay?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Since he walked his way to the hotel from the cemetery for almost two hours, he was more physically drained than he wished to admit. If he paired that with how mentally and emotionally drained he was, he honestly felt like he could have been a goner by now, considering how especially emotionally taxing the past two and a half weeks have been for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He allowed his feet to take him to an empty parking lot to rest, but with exhaustion taking over him, he plopped himself on a corner to get a breather as he tried to strategize his next step.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He needed to find a way to charge his phone. That way he could at least figure out where exactly he could go next rather than wandering around aimlessly. How, though? He didn't even have a charger with him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, well, well. What do we have here?" A raspy-voiced man came from behind him and he turned to see two of them approaching him. Judging from the way they smelled like and dressed, Chris could tell they've been wandering the streets too, only perhaps for a longer period of time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I smell rich kid vibes, bro," the other man snickered as they came closer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I smell lost kid vibes," the first man responded with a laugh. "Just the perfect combo we need."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"W-what are you—" Chris stuttered as he fumbled to his feet and tried to get himself as far away from the men as possible. "D-don't come near me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Or what, kid?" one of them taunted. "What are you gonna do?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris looked around in a panic, but seeing how empty the area is, he knew that even if he called out for help, no one would come to his aid.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"See, we're pretty simple guys," the older man explained calmly. "We know what we want and we get what we want."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"W-what do you want?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Everything you have."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If you hand over everything you got, we won't touch you," the second man explained. "Like I said, that's all we want and we get what we want."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-I don't have any money on me," Chris said as he showed them the empty pockets of his hoodie.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Give me your watch."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"W-what?" he stuttered before realizing one of the men was looking at the wristwatch on his arm. Shakily, he took it off and handed it over.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And your phone."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"M-my phone is dead. It won't be of any use to you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Give me your phone."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"S-sir… I need my phone to get around. I'm not from around here and I-I need it to contact people from back home."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do we look like we care?" the raspy-voiced man impatiently asked as he took a step closer with his hand held out. "Give me your phone or I'll give you pain."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"B-but sir, I'm begging you—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Two punches to his gut immediately cut him off, and the men took advantage of this moment of weakness to grab the phone from the pocket of his pants and to run away from him immediately after.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Only once in his life had he been punched before, and that one other time was a situation he volunteered to enter into since it was during a time in which Felix's bullies were getting physical with him. This, though, was different. This was far from voluntary.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew his phone was of no use to anyone right now. But the optimist in him was hoping that he could find a way to borrow someone's charger so he can at least give the device some juice so he can navigate his way to a place where he could ask for some help. So he could ask Jeongin if he knew of this plan all along and didn't bother warning him. So he can text someone from back home to check on how Felix is doing. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tears formed in his eyes as he thought of Felix and the promise he made to the freckled boy about not being gone for too long. He asked him to wait for him. What was he to do now? Chris was never one to make promises he can't keep, but with no lifeline to connect him, no passport or plane ticket to fly him back home, what choice did he have?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>July 6, 2015. It was a day he definitely was going to remember forever. It was the day he finally got to see his parents again, but it was also the day he was abandoned by his stepparents. It was the day he broke his promise to Felix, and the day he lost everything he thought he had. It was probably also the day Chris had died so he can become Chan again: the person he was originally born as but got obliterated the day he was adopted by his Australian-Korean stepparents, who now no longer wanted the responsibility that came with such a title.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he picked himself up and clutched his stomach painfully to lean on the cemented wall beside him, he let out a deep breath as he tried to encourage himself with his stepmother's final words to him. </em>
</p><p>'At least you're home now.'</p><p>
  <em>Biting back his tears, he looked up and noted the way the stars were starting to become visible in the evening sky. He couldn't quite say they all aligned for him right now, but at least he had to look at the bright side: he did not get killed when he got mugged. It was something he'd probably have to get used to – having nothing but seeing the good in everything. It was the only way he'd mentally get by.</em>
</p><p>'At least you're home now.'</p><p>
  <em>"Welcome home," he muttered to himself with a humorless laugh as he bitterly wiped the tear that rolled down his cheek. "Welcome home to the streets of Seoul… Bang Chan."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"You ran away because you're a coward. Because you're selfish and only cared about yourself."</em>
</p><p>Felix's statement ran in Chan's head like that annoying alarm clock that you just wanted to throw against the wall until it shattered. No, he couldn’t bring himself to be angry at Felix for all the things he said earlier, but neither can he just let it go.</p><p>Felix was mad at him. That much he gathered ever since their first encounter. But the gravity of his anger just felt a little too misplaced in Chan's opinion, especially considering the fact that <em>he</em> too was a victim of their circumstances. Chan did not just choose to leave Felix to escape his responsibility in what happened. Heck, he almost chose Felix over his real parents. And even when he made the decision to go back to Seoul, he couldn't wait to go back home to see if there was any progress with his best friend's condition. He didn't run away like Felix accused. He was abandoned in a country he was not familiar with, for crying out loud.</p><p>He understood that Felix was upset about Chan's disappearance from his life, but not once had Chan wondered what people from back home could have told him about why he was not there. He knew Minho did not like him. And he knew for a fact that Mrs. Lee only tolerated his presence because of what the investigators said was his contribution to Felix's survival. But they weren't going to lie to Felix about him, would they?</p><p>Or would they?</p><p>Were they the ones who distorted the truth? Were they the ones who told Felix that Chan disappeared because he was a selfish coward who'd rather choose his own future over the person who saved his life?</p><p>The words Felix hurled at him hurt him like a gunshot wound to the chest, but even then, he knew he couldn't stay mad at the blonde man. If he didn't know what happened to Chan all those years ago, then he probably just didn't know what he was talking about. Still, though, he had to wonder. Was that all he was to Felix now? After everything they've been through as teenagers, was he really nothing but dirt to the freckled man now? Was that ever going to change if he told him the truth, or was he too consumed by his anger to not even care about what the truth was?</p><p>Chan hated that Felix wouldn't even allow him to get a word in. How was he going to explain his side of things when he couldn't even talk to him properly? How was he going to tell him the truth about what happened to him when every time he opened his mouth, Felix was a raging fire that was ready to consume him until he perished?</p><p>Chan folded his fingers in tight fists as he stared at the untouched spectrogram that glared back at him from his laptop screen. He hadn't made any progress on the track that he promised Jisung yesterday he'd work on today, and by the looks of it, he wasn't going to get anywhere so long as the disgust in Felix's voice remained echoing in his head.</p><p>His thoughts were interrupted when he heard a sound coming from the hallway behind the living room, where the bedrooms and bathroom were. Furrowing his eyebrows in slight confusion mixed with tentative concern, he pulled his headphones off his ears to take a listen to what he thought he heard. It was possible he was hearing things since he'd been losing his mind over the Felix situation, but… was he really losing it?</p><p>"Owww."</p><p>A groan made Chan both heave a sigh of relief (no, he wasn't hearing things yet) and also deepen the worried frown that adorned his face. "Binnie?" he tentatively asked as he stretched his legs out of the couch to stand and check on his flat mate. That was a sound that didn't normally come from anyone at home at two in the morning.</p><p>"Ugh... Hyung? Are you… still awake?"</p><p>Seeing Changbin pretty much crumpled on the floor next to the doorframe of his bedroom, Chan immediately ran to his side in concern. "What's wrong?"</p><p>"I don't… feel good."</p><p>"Do you feel like you're going to be sick? Were you trying to get to the bathroom?" Chan started spewing one question after another as he fumbled around the younger man. "Should I get—"</p><p>"No. Bathroom doesn't help. I…" He grimaced at the pain as he clutched his stomach. "I wanted to come find you."</p><p>"Your stomach hurts?" Chan asked before realizing what a stupid question it was seeing how the other man was doubling over in pain while clutching his stomach. "How long have you been dealing with this?" he asked as he felt the other's forehead for his temperature. "You're burning up, Binnie."</p><p>He shook his head as he tugged on his hyung's arm. "That's not right. I'm cold."</p><p>"You probably <em>feel</em> cold because of the fever," the older man corrected. "Let me take you to bed so you can rest up."</p><p>"No, Hyung—"</p><p>"—I'll bring you some ice water and a towel to cool you down and get you some medicine too."</p><p>"I can't keep anything down."</p><p>"You've been throwing up?" he asked in surprise.</p><p>"B-before you got home… yes."</p><p>"Binnie…" Chan sighed.</p><p>"I-it… hurts… Hyung." He clutched the right side of his stomach more as he squirmed to sit on the floor. "It started feeling weird last night, but I slept it off."</p><p>"And this morning?"</p><p>"It was still there – <em>owww</em> – but it wasn't as bad. I was hoping it would go away but… it just kept getting worse. Especially after I got home from work."</p><p>"Binnie, you should have told me earlier."</p><p>"I thought… I thought it was just something I ate."</p><p>"You've been dealing with this for more than 24 hours. Even if it's something you ate, this is not normal."</p><p>Changbin would have glared at him had he not been too preoccupied with trying to find a position on the floor to ease his pain. "Are you really going to scold me now while I suffer?"</p><p>Chan shook his head. "Which part hurts?"</p><p>"Here," he said as he pointed to the area between his belly button and his right hip.</p><p>Chan followed the other man's fingers and felt how bloated his stomach seemed to be. Briefly, he closed his eyes as he let out a sigh to keep his panic at bay. He had an idea what was going on but he wasn't going to freak the younger man out right now until a medical professional confirmed his suspicions. "Okay, can you stay put here for like a minute?"</p><p>Too preoccupied by the pain he was feeling, Changbin simply nodded as he leaned further into the doorframe. "I… I can't really move, Hyung. And I'm… cold."</p><p>Chan immediately stood up and entered the bedroom he shared with Jisung and made a beeline towards his closet to get a cardigan to at least drape over the sick man. He then called out to Jisung and gave him a firm nudge when the sound of his voice did not wake him up.</p><p>"Wha—?" Jisung simply uttered as he squinted at Chan through the bright fluorescent lights of their bedroom that blinded him temporarily.</p><p>"Wake up, Sungie," Chan simply said, his voice coated with concern that was enough to bring Jisung to his senses. "We're taking Binnie to the hospital."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Dude, I don't know what to do."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan was just taking a breather from a long walk around town when his attention was caught by a teenager who stepped outside of a coffee shop to take a phone call and who, since he picked up the call, had been ranting about his impending final exams.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It had been pretty much a full week since Chan had become homeless. A long week since he started living off alms handed over by compassionate strangers and, if he were lucky enough, loose change dropped on the ground by careless people who were in a rush to get to their destinations. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd resorted to wandering around the streets in search of his next source of food and water, and not having eaten more than the leftover crumbs he could find by the dumpster, he relied on his ability to spot every opportunity he could take to make his way out of the situation he's currently in. The heat of the afternoon summer sun drained his energy after walking around with no shade for the past hour and a half, so the moment he saw a vacant spot outside a corner café that had a tree to provide him with some shade to rest under, he decided to take a break before resuming his quest for sustenance.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"This is my last chance," the round-faced boy said on the phone with an exasperated sigh as he ran a hand through his dark hair. "I've been struggling all semester and I need to get at least a 90% on the final exam if I want to pass this class. At this rate, it will take a miracle for me to get that kind of grade considering how hard a time I've been having all semester. And you know what happens if I fail the subject – I'll have to retake it all over again. I can't take another semester of English, man. That'll put me behind. Plus, I can't disappoint my parents like this."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan listened to the remainder of the conversation, although all he could hear was the troubled teenager's side of it. From what he could tell, the teenager had a study partner, but she was struggling with the foreign language just as much as he was and he didn't think they really had hope when it came to studying for this particular test. As soon as the phone call ended and the younger boy prepared to reenter the café, Chan acted on instinct alone and stood up to approach the boy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Excuse me?" he asked politely in Korean.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The dark-haired boy look at him with curiosity, the hand he had on the café's door merely resting on it as he waited for the blonde to tell him what he was approaching him for.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I… I couldn't help but overhear your conversation earlier…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The boy withdrew his hand from the door and crossed his arms over his chest, embarrassment dusting his cheeks a light shade of red for having a stranger hear about his struggles in school. "You know it's rude to listen to other people's conversations, right? Do I even know you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I just… um, no. I wasn't trying to listen in, but I was kind of just… there." He pointed towards the spot he was sitting at earlier, which was just about two or three steps away from where the dark-haired boy was. "I… I know this will sound weird. But I can help you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He raised a brow and almost judgmentally looked Chan up and down before scoffing. He could tell that Chan was a homeless person. He had nothing on him but a dirty pair of shirt and pants and a black hoodie tied to his waist that was just about as filthy as the clothes he was wearing. How exactly was he in a position to be the one providing help? "Please stop bothering me. I have a test to study for so I need to get back in there now. Or maybe you know that too since you eavesdropped on my entire conversation earlier."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm Chan, by the way," he ignored the younger's remark as he extended a hand before realizing how dirty it was for him to offer it up for a handshake. Reluctantly, he pulled his hand back, a dejected look on his features as he lowered his gaze to the ground. "I speak English fluently. I'm Korean but I'm not from here, so I speak both languages. I… if you're amenable to it, I can help you with your English."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The other boy bit his lip in thought before proceeding to voice out what was running in his head. "What do you want in return?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I just…" he hesitated for a moment and sighed before continuing. "If you can't tell, I've got nothing right now. I-it's a little embarrassing to say but… I don't know for how much longer I'll be living like this… or when I'll get to have my next meal. Any spare change you can give me will do. It'll help me save up for when I need to buy something to eat."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wait a minute," the younger boy looked at him in concern. "You're willing to help me study for my test and basically tutor me – a job that usually pays quite generously, and yet all you're asking from me is spare change? You're not even going to ask me for, like… I don't know… a sandwich or coffee or some specific amount of money?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan shrugged. "Beggars can't be choosers, right?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How do I know you're not fooling me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Like you said, I'm not even asking you for anything specific in return. Just as much as you are willing to give. If I help you study out in public, everyone can see and I'll be accountable for your safety. It's not like I'll be taking you elsewhere like a creep, if your safety around me is what you're concerned about."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He looked around and let out a sigh. Under normal circumstances, he would have brushed off this stranger and resumed his studying in the comfort of his table inside the café. But he was really desperate and was willing to try anything to get the help that he needed. With new resolve, he extended his own hand to the blonde boy. "I'm Changbin."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan looked at his hand in surprise. "M-my hands are dirty…" he muttered as he showed the palm of his hands, bowing instead in response. "But nice to meet you, Changbin."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"My study partner is about to leave soon. Are you willing to wait for me out here while I go inside and tell her goodbye? I need to grab my stuff in there too."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan nodded eagerly with a smile before speaking in English. "I can wait."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You have a rather unique accent," Changbin noted, the tenseness in his shoulders easing as he caught a glimpse of Chan's smile. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm from Australia."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, that's pretty cool. How long have you been here?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"About a week."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"A week?!" Changbin asked incredulously. "Is that a joke?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's not one I find funny if it is…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin nodded in understanding. "Are you… lost?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan shrugged. "I guess that's one way to look at it since I'm still not very familiar with the streets of Seoul."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How'd you end up… y'know… like this?" He didn't want to be insensitive with his questions but he was genuinely curious. If he had only been in the country for a week, how did Chan manage to fly into Seoul just to be homeless?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan gave him a bittersweet smile. "It's rather complicated. You probably would be better off using your time to study for your test than to hear about my life story."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger one nodded and excused himself to wrap up what he had been working on with his schoolmate inside the café, promising that he'll be back out as soon as he is able. It took around fifteen minutes before Chan saw Changbin emerge from the doors again, this time with his school bag hanging on one shoulder and a to-go bag on the same hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm going to let you tutor me under one condition," he declared as he sat in front of Chan and plopped his bag down on the ground.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan straightened up on his seat. "What condition?"</em>
</p><p><em>"Actually, I changed my mind. Under </em>two <em>conditions."</em></p><p>
  <em>"What two conditions?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin extended the hand that held the to-go bag and waited for the older boy to take it from him before explaining. "I got you a sandwich and a drink. I want you to eat it and get a proper meal in your system before we begin."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan gulped. "Thank you, but… I can't do that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why not? Do you think it's poisoned?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, not at all. I mean, thank you for this. I… Really, thank you." He bowed in front of the younger boy. "This is the most food I've had in the past week, but I can't just eat it all at once."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why not?" he repeated himself. "Aren't you hungry?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I mean… I am. B-but you don't understand. I have to save some for the remainder of the week. I don't know when else I'll be able to find more food and—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't worry about that now," Changbin told him. "I can get you another one before we part ways."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, I didn't mean to impose that on you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Aren't you being too kind to someone you just met… who lives in the streets?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin smirked. "Weren't you the one who offered me a deal?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, but… I haven't even lived up to my end of the deal yet and you're already telling me you're getting me another sandwich after we're done," Chan explained although he couldn't help but look at the sandwich, his stomach grumbling loudly as soon as he inhaled the aroma of the meat. Changbin suppressed a small chuckle as he watched Chan twist sideways as though reprimanding his stomach for giving away the fact that he was hungry enough to devour the entire sandwich in just a couple bites. "I mean… don't you want to see first if I can actually effectively help you study for your test?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger one shrugged. "You told me to pay you however I want. I'm just doing as you say."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, but this is too much."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's not too much if I'm just giving you your basic necessities to live." Chan's stomach grumbled again, this time prompting an outward chuckle from Changbin. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan winced. "Do you mind if I take a bite now?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The dark-haired teenager smiled. "Go for it. And like I said, eat as much of it as you can. Don't worry about your next meal. I got you covered."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're too nice," the older one said as he took a bite and savored the flavors that took over his mouth. "Besides, aren't you being too…trusting?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know… I usually don't trust strangers too easily but… you don't seem so bad so far."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan smiled. "I'll try to stay in the not-so-bad range then."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin chuckled and they made some small talk about the weather and about Seoul while Chan ate his sandwich.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What was condition number two, by the way?" Chan inquired as soon as he remembered there was one more thing being asked of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Condition number two depends on your answers to my next few questions."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I feel like I'm doing a job interview with you right now to see if I can qualify as your English tutor," Chan noted humorously. "I left my résumé back home, but I can give you a detailed account of my experience as far as my memory can recall."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin grinned at that. He'd only known this boy for a few minutes but he was already at ease with him. It was such a far cry from how he felt about some people in his school whom he'd spent years in the same classes with but never got comfortable with. "You said you've only been here for a week? If you don't mind me asking, why did you come here if you were going to end up living like this?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan slowly stopped chewing on his food as he looked at the other with slightly glossy eyes. Did he really want to talk about his life right now? Wouldn't that just dampen the mood? Wouldn't that just cause a pity party and change the way this boy in front of him viewed him? This was the most normal encounter he's had in a week considering that all the other conversations he's had these last couple of days were with himself, his dead parents, and strangers to ask for alms. Was he willing to give up this one time he's had some sense of normalcy just to answer Changbin's question?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Y-you didn't run away from home, did you?" Changbin added, unsure as to whether he should even proceed. "Usually people running away take stuff with them and you…" He paused, not knowing whether he was overstepping his boundaries by verbalizing his observations.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And I've got nothing?" Chan finished for him before he met the other boy's remorseful gaze. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I didn't mean to sound insensitive…" Changbin said with his head lowered.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's okay," he assured. "It’s the only way you could put it no matter how careful you are with your words. I didn't run away. I was… exiled. Although I guess since I'm technically Korean, that term doesn't really apply."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So this wasn't something you chose for yourself."</em>
</p><p><em>Chan shook his head. "if I had known that this would happen, I would have stayed home. At least if I stayed back in Australia, even if my parents wanted me out of their lives, I'd have somewhere to go</em>." The hospital to be by Felix's side. "<em>Someone to run to who's waiting for me</em>." Felix. "<em>Unlike here. I don't even know my way around."</em></p><p>
  <em>"Why'd you go then? Was this trip supposed to be a vacation?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shook his head. "My stepparents promised me they'd allow me to see my real parents' grave here. I haven't seen them since I left twelve years ago, so I wanted to come along with them when they gave me the chance."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"As soon as our flight landed, they dropped me off at the cemetery. That was the last time I saw them. They could have at least had me take my bags with me, you know? At least that way, I would have my stuff with me. At least a change of clothes or something… But they didn't. I only had my phone with me, which since then had also been stolen from me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Maybe it wasn't intentional. Have you tried contacting them before you lost your phone?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I did. My stepmom said this was all for the best."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That they leave you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I guess…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How the fuck is that for the best? How is it in your best interest to bring you to a country you haven't been in for more than a decade and then to leave you like a… stray kid?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan shrugged and offered a small smile to show his appreciation for the younger boy's sympathy. "I'll let you know when I find the answer to that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry about what happened."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry to dump all my problems on you. Last time I checked, this was supposed to be a tutoring session, not a therapy session."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin smiled. "I asked for it. And this is where condition number two kicks in."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan cocked his head to the side out of curiosity. "What is it?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"After we're done today, I want you to come with me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The blonde teenager looked at the other in confusion and horror, causing the latter to laugh.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That sounded so wrong. I didn't mean to sound so creepy."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You might need to clarify what you meant then, because I'm a little alarmed. I… I just opened up to you about my issues in life and now you want to take me where?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yellow Wood," he shortly answered. "Have you heard of that place?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shook his head. "I'm not from around here…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Right," he said with a nod before explaining further. "Yellow Wood is a homeless shelter. My parents donate to them a lot and I volunteer with them during school breaks."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not as creepy as you thought, eh?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was Chan's turn to laugh. "No, I don't think so."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's about ten minutes from here by car. Still within Seoul but not this side of town."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why are you doing this, Changbin? I haven't done anything yet to warrant your being so nice to me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know either, to be honest. All I know is that I'm at ease with you and if there's any way I can help your situation, then I am going to. I mean… taking you to Yellow Wood will in no way help you get back home. But it will at least guarantee a roof above your head and daily meals to keep you sustained while you try to figure out what you need to do to get back home."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's more than I can ask for at this point. I don’t know how I can ever repay you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger boy smiled in return. "Teach me English. That's all I ask for."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin learned more from Chan in three hours than he had learned from school for an entire semester. By the end of their lesson, he was more confident about his English skills than he had ever been in his life, and his newfound confidence made him feel a lot more prepared for the exam that was taking place two days later.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As promised, Changbin went back into the café before its closing hours to get another sandwich for Chan, although the latter tried to stop him, telling him that he's had his fill and that taking him to Yellow Wood was more than enough for him. Changbin insisted, saying that a promise is a promise, and in the end, he got Chan not only a sandwich for tonight but also a muffin for breakfast the following day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan was surprised when a car had pulled up by the sidewalk where they chatted and a sense of recognition dawned on Chanbin's face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Our ride's here," he announced as he got up and picked up his backpack from the floor.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's… your car?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled sheepishly. "You can say that, I guess? It's the family car."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And you want me to get in with you?" Chan stopped. "Changbin, I'm full of dirt. I don't want to ruin—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, stop worrying about that," he said as he pulled Chan gently by the arm to lead him to the vehicle. "You're not as bad as you say you are."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>During their ride to Yellow Wood, they got to know each other a little bit better. Chan learned that Changbin had a love for writing lyrics and poetry, and had recently been exploring music composition during his spare time. He also learned that the younger came from a wealthy family – no wonder getting food for Chan did not seem to bother him at all like other kids his age who were very conscientious about how they spent their weekly allowance – and that was why he found it difficult to find true friends in school who befriended him because they genuinely wanted to be around him and not just because he and his family had money and connections. He was in his first year of secondary high school, which meant his grades mattered all that much now especially if he decided that he was going to university, and that was why he was more concerned about his academic standing this time around.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin, on the other hand, learned about Chan's academic endeavors and found out that Chan was actually his senior. He told Chan he looked really young for his age so he hadn't considered the possibility of him being older earlier, and then started calling him Hyung as though they were really close and have known each other for quite a while now.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was really easy for them to get along, and the ride to Yellow Wood ended up being too short a time for both of them to get to know each other as much as they wished. Changbin accompanied Chan into the premises, given that he already knew people from the organization and he knew that showing up with the blonde would increase his chances of being accommodated that same night. When it was time for him leave Chan to settle in for the night, both of them were a little sad that the time they spent together had to end.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hey," Changbin started. "I know I only asked you for two favors earlier before we started our tutoring session, but… do you mind if I have two more requests?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not at all," the blonde responded with a smile. "I don't think there's much I could do to repay you for your kindness, especially since your first two favors were more for my welfare than yours, so whatever these next two are, I'll try my best to do them for you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"For starters," he hesitated and chewed on his lip before continuing. "Do you think… can we be friends?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan looked at him in surprise. Changbin was such a sweet and kind-hearted young boy. How could he say no to him? "Why do you ask me like I have the right or the desire to refuse? Changbin, I'd be privileged to be able to call you a friend."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled sheepishly. "Thanks, Hyung," he said with a small chuckle, and Chan joined him in a light laughter. "I wish you had a phone so I could text you. But the good thing is that it's almost summer vacation, which means I'll be volunteering here a lot so I'm hoping I'll still see you regularly."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan smiled. "I'm really thankful that I met you, Changbin. You are such a blessing to me, you don't even know. What was your next request by the way? The first one was easy as cake."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well…" he hesitated again. "You kinda mentioned earlier that you liked tutoring when you were in Australia and that math and science are your forte…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I can help you study for those tests too," he volunteered in a heartbeat.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, those exams are actually done," the younger one said. "They happened this morning, but thanks though. I really appreciate it and would have taken you up on your offer if they were still upcoming. I was actually going to ask you if… if it's not too much for you, and if you still happen to be in Seoul at the time… do you mind helping me with those subjects as well when school resumes from summer vacation?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The glimmer in Chan's eyes returned for a split second as he nodded enthusiastically and flashed a big smile to his newfound friend. "I'd love to help you with that, Binnie. Is it okay if I call you that?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin let out a small giggle. "It's totally okay. I kinda like it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin managed to pass his English exam with a 93%, and for that he visited Chan with ice cream and celebrated with him the day after he got the test results. They spent more time around each other during the summertime as Changbin's volunteer work involved serving food for the families in the shelter, helping out with various projects in the building, and, along with Chan, teaching elementary-age kids how to read, write, and count.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan, on the other hand, managed to land a small-time gig teaching English to kids for a small amount of money. He knew that at some point, he'd have to find a better paying job, but for now this was all he had. A little something is better than nothing, and he diligently saved up his income so he could go back home. To be honest, it felt like an insurmountable task considering how expensive plane tickets were and how little he earned for each hour of tutoring… not to mention the fact that he didn't even have his legal documents with him to be able to get a replacement passport. But to him, the daunting task was nothing and everything at the same time. It was nothing he couldn't overcome and everything he needed to do. He had to get back home. If not home to the house he grew up in, home next to Felix so he could help his friend recover from his injuries.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix was Chan's motivation to get back up. He didn't want Felix's sacrifice to go to waste, and he wanted to show his best friend that though it took him longer than expected, he was able to keep his promise that he was coming back for the freckled boy. He just really hoped that Felix was willing to wait for him and that he was doing better now than when he left him.</em>
</p><p><em>When he wasn't working, Chan got to hear some of Changbin's self-written raps, and he encouraged the younger to keep honing his craft. He was very supportive of his younger friend's ventures, although he couldn't help but wonder in the back of his mind whether </em>he<em> ever had a shot of following his dreams of becoming a musician now that his life had come down to how it currently was. The way he tutored Changbin and cheered him on with his music reminded him greatly of his relationship with Felix, and every time the freckled boy crossed his mind, Chan could feel the gaping hole in his chest begin to eat up whatever was left of his heart. He ached to be reconnected to his best friend, and while he was getting used to life in Seoul as he knew it, he really would have given a hand and a foot to get back to Sydney to be with the boy he considered to be his little brother.</em></p><p>
  <em>Chan had always worn a happy and content smile when he was around the others in the shelter because he was indeed thankful to at least have a place he could somehow call home instead of aimlessly roaming the busy streets of the city. He really got in the habit of counting his blessings, and he was eternally grateful that he did not have to wonder every evening where he could spend the night and where his next source of sustenance would come from. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But even so, deep inside, he was broken.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The same way that he never talked to Felix about his situation at home, he almost never talked to Changbin about the pain of being abandoned by his parents or about his longing for his best friend whose condition he incessantly worried about when he wasn't preoccupied by chores in the shelter. He kept it all to himself, and while he felt at times that he could combust from the agony of wanting to be back home where he could, at the very least, visit Felix from time to time, he knew better than to burden Changbin with his own worries. The younger boy had been nothing but super nice to him, and Chan felt like the younger boy didn't deserve the burden of knowing about the weight Chan constantly carried in his chest. That was why he instead tried his best to put on a mask of happiness and contentment around the younger boy, even though almost every night he cried himself to sleep. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin, however, was more perceptive than the older one thought he was, and soon he began picking up on the stresses that bothered Chan. While he never forced the latter to tell him what worried him, he'd learned to ask him more frequently if everything was alright or if there was anything he could help him with.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan unsurprisingly brushed off his concerns and assured the dark-haired teenager that everything was okay, but he started opening up and talking about Felix more as time went on. He started sharing stories at least about some of the fond memories he shared with the younger Australian and how Changbin reminded him of said boy because of the way their relationship evolved. Eventually, he started talking about the condition he left Felix in when he flew to Seoul, but not without brushing off the burden he carried so as not to worry the sympathetic boy who looked out for him like a brother.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As soon as school resumed, just as the two boys have agreed, they met twice a week so that Chan could help Changbin with his math and science classes. Sometimes they had their tutoring sessions at Yellow Wood; other times, Changbin took Chan out to a park or a café for a change in scenery. Lately, they've been meeting up at the café where they originally met since it was close to where Chan did his part-time English tutoring, and from there Changbin dropped Chan off at Yellow Wood before heading home.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin offered Chan some cash in exchange for the tutoring sessions, but Chan refused to take payment for it, saying that he was doing this because Changbin was his friend and because he was still grateful for all the help the latter had brought into his life. In the end, they battled it out with their stubbornness, and Chan eventually won, so Changbin instead had to look for other creative ways in which he could repay the older one for his services. He knew Chan was saving up to fly back to Australia, so he quietly saved up the money he would have paid the latter for the sessions to help him collect enough cash for a plane ticket.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>One day, towards the beginning of winter, Changbin surprised Chan with a bag of sweaters before their tutoring session began. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What are these for?" Chan asked confusedly as he looked into the bag that was handed to him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They're for you," Changbin explained. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What for?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's a belated birthday gift. I can't believe you managed to keep your birthday from me. That was in early October, Hyung. It's already December."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan chuckled. "I told you, I don't celebrate my birthdays."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But still. You can't refuse these. They're gifts and it'll be rude to give them back." He stuck a tongue out at the older boy knowing his tendencies. "Besides, it's starting to get cold now. I did some searching online and found that winters in Sydney are nowhere as cold as winters here in Seoul. I just wanted to make sure you stay warm."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Binnie, you didn't have to, but thank you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's about time you retire that poor hoodie you have on you, Hyung," he said, referring to the tattered black hoodie that Chan had been using every single day for the past almost six months. It was the same hoodie tied around the then-blonde boy's waist during that summer afternoon when they first met outside that coffee shop.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan looked down at the piece of clothing the younger one was referring to, thinking to himself that if it didn't have any sentimental value to him, he would have agreed with Changbin: the hoodie could use an early retirement considering how much and under what circumstances it's been used. Instead, he shook his head. "I might stop using it just because it's super old and I don't want to damage it further. But I'm never getting rid of this hoodie."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why not?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan looked at him, allowing his eyes to speak for him instead. "Felix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin nodded slowly in understanding. "He gave it to you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He simply nodded as he blinked away the tears that started to form in his eyes. He didn't want to be such an emotional person, but he missed Felix dearly. He worried about him, and he would have given everything he had just to be able to get back home to see him. He didn't even care about going back to the family that abandoned him; he just wanted to go back and check on Felix.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung… you know, if you want, I can lend you my phone."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan looked up at him and waited for Changbin to continue. He wanted to ask for so long, but he felt uncomfortable pushing his boundaries with the younger boy especially since the latter had already helped him get back up to his feet in more ways than he could count.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If you need to contact someone from home, you can use my phone."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled at the gesture. "Really? I didn't want to impose since it seemed too much to ask, but…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I really should have offered much sooner. I'm sorry it didn't enter my mind until now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Oh, no. Don't apologize. It's not even supposed to be your responsibility to look out for me, but you do. And neither is it your responsibility to help me contact someone from home, but now that you've offered… would it be shameless of me to accept?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin chuckled. "You refuse a lot of things I offer you, so I would be more than happy to have you accept this one thing from me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't really know anyone's number off the top of my head, but I suppose if I can contact someone through social media, that might work."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin immediately pulled his phone out of his pocket and unlocked the device. After asking Chan which social media platform he needed to use, he opened the pertinent apps on his phone and logged himself out so that the older one could log in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It took a while for Chan to remember his password, but as soon as he managed to get into his account, he scrolled through his connections to see who the best person to contact was. In a perfect world, he would have contacted Felix himself or Minho, but the Lee parents were very strict with their sons and neither Felix nor Minho were allowed to have any form of online presence in such accounts. He opted to get in touch with Jeongin but was met with a notice that his younger brother had blocked him on the platform.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If Chan's heart could break further, it would have at the sight of that notice. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Running out of options, he scrolled through and decided to reach out to one of the students that he knew from his dance club days. Chan was pretty certain that since Felix was part of the club, this particular student would have been updated on Felix's condition and whether or not he was already back in school. After all, the dance club had always been a tight-knit family.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Given that he already spent much of his time trying to figure out his password and trying to look for someone to contact, Chan very quickly typed a message to this student out of consideration for Changbin. The latter had been nothing but nice to him, but Chan did not want to abuse his patience and generosity and keep him waiting when this was supposed to be time for them to go over his math homework, not to attend to the troubled boy's personal matters.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As soon as he sent his message, he set the device aside on the table, knowing that when a response came through, a notification would alert them anyway. Chan tried his best to focus on the math problems on the textbook in front of them, but somehow deep inside, he wanted to fidget like a maniac as he waited in hope to hear back about Felix. Thankfully, the problems were challenging enough and therefore became the perfect distraction for him as he had to come up with the best way to explain to Changbin how he could get to a solution.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It wasn't until two hours after he sent the message that the phone beeped. Luckily, it came just in time as Chan and Changbin were already wrapping up and preparing to call it a night. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do you mind if I check it now?" Chan asked as his eyes hovered over the lit up screen while Changbin organized his items to stuff into his backpack.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, go for it," he said as he set his things back on the table to unlock the phone for his friend.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan eagerly reached for the phone as soon as it was unlocked and clicked on the app that had the notification. Out of his anxiety, he read through the message very quickly once, then read it again for a second time, this time his brows furrowing more with each passing second. Changbin noticed the change in his friend's expression, watching silently as Chris' breath seemed to hitch as he read the message for a third time.</em>
</p><p>Chris - how dare you reach out to me after running away from your responsibility all those months ago. You're telling me you're concerned about Felix? Where were you all this time when he was suffering in the hospital? You really think anyone would believe that lie? You really think Felix would still call you a friend after you left him the way you did? You're asking me how he's doing – why don't you ask him yourself? Maybe he'll haunt you in your dreams and never allow you to live a good life wherever you are. After all, you don't deserve a good life anyway. We lost Felix because of you, and the club will never be the same again because of you.</p><p>I remember you saying in our elementary graduation that you live your life wanting to make a difference in the world. Here it is; here's the difference you so longed to make. Too bad it's not something you can be proud of. Or maybe you are. I don't know what runs in that sick little head of yours anyway, but a little piece of unsolicited advice before I block you: don't you dare come back here again. No one needs you and no one wants you around. No one cares about a murderer like you. Better yet, you should just disappear from this planet. That's what you deserve for what you've done to Felix.</p><p>
  <em>Chris stared at the message in panic as he read part of it over and over. 'We lost Felix because of you.' It was like a nightmare he wanted to wake up from but couldn't. It was like a horror movie he wanted to unsee but couldn't take his eyes off from.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As though the phone itself was a piece of burning coal in his hands, he immediately shut off the screen and placed it back on the table, almost throwing it back to its owner as though he wanted nothing to do with it. With shaky hands and teary eyes, he reached for the glass of water on his side of the table to take a sip, but the way his muscles convulsed out of sheer panic had only further drawn the attention of the younger boy sitting across from him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, is everything okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No response.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"W-what did Felix say? Is he okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still no response.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan finally looked at him with teary eyes, his lips trembling as he mustered the strength to speak. "I-I need to go, Binnie."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, that's fine," the younger responded as he zipped his backpack to a close. "I'll drop you off at Yellow Wood."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No," Chan immediately said as he stood from his seat. "N-no need."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But Hyung, it's late. And it'll be quite a walk from here."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's okay. I-I need air anyway. And some time to think."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, are you sure you're okay? I-I don't want to leave you alone if—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm fine," he reassured, his voice coming out harsher than he intended for it to. He didn't mean to use that tone on Changbin. If anything, he wanted to use it on himself as he internally reprimanded himself for living as calmly as he had all this time while Felix was… he couldn't even bring himself to use the word. "Sorry. I just… I just have to go. I'm sorry."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He didn't wait for a response before bolting out of the café with his pale face and shaky limbs, leaving Changbin speechless with the bag of gifts he previously gave to the older boy. Changbin wondered what exactly was in the message he just received, and he really wanted to follow his friend to make sure he's okay, but he also respected the older one's space.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew that the topic of Felix was a sensitive one for Chan, although he didn't know enough about the subject matter to make any judgment calls. This was the first time he'd seen his hyung greatly shaken, though, and he hoped that he truly just needed some air and some time to think. Hopefully, when he sees his hyung again in a couple of days, he'll be able to explain to him exactly what had happened. He was sure Chan didn't mean to react in such a rash and harsh way if not for his overwhelming emotions at the moment.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If only he knew that Chan would go missing after he walked out on him that night.</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Don't we all just love Changbin right now? :'(</p><p>Anyways. Apologies for not having any Chanlix scenes here after building it up on the last chapter. That was definitely not part of the plan, but I think this is just how it needs to be at this point in the story, especially given the flashback scene at the end of the last chapter and the set up that needs to happen for the upcoming scenes.</p><p>Honestly, this was the chapter that I had to split up into two, so there was supposed to be some Chanlix interaction here. It's just that that part ended up being pushed to the next chapter since… have you seen the length of all this?! Haha.</p><p>Not to worry, we'll be back at it again with their interactions in two weeks. :) For now, as always, comments and kudos are loved and much appreciated! Work is keeping me super busy, but your encouraging words and support push me to write at least for a little bit every single day. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Chapter 8</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: suicidal ideation</p><p>If you're sensitive to topics related to the above, please avoid the flashback scenes following the part where Changbin found Chan. Your safety is more important.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Felix entered his office this morning with a cup of coffee in hand, dark circles under his tired, weary eyes, and a headache that pounded against his skull for spending the night overthinking the last conversation he had with Chan instead of sleeping, he did not expect to walk into a reminder of last night's encounter sitting on his desk as though taunting him for the way he handled himself and the situation.</p><p>
  <em>"I never reached back out to you because all along I thought I had no one to reach out to anymore. They told me you were gone."</em>
</p><p>Chan's voice before walking out on him last night echoed in Felix's head for the nth time, and he let out a sigh as he peeled his gaze from the papers Chan left on his desk after saying his piece. Felix didn't know how many times he had to do it, but he felt the need to once again reprimand himself for steering their conversation towards the direction he did.</p><p>Their meeting was going fine. It was awkward, yes – but for the most part, given the circumstances, it was reasonably fine. That was until he gave his mouth the liberty to speak his mind, and everything he tried to keep inside kept sputtering out without filter like a broken faucet with no stopper.</p><p>He didn't intend to blow up like that. Heck, he was the one who told Chan to keep personal matters out of the workspace. Somehow, though, he was so triggered by Chan's presence in his office last night to a point where he just allowed his anger to freely flow out of him in such a way that he couldn't control or take back. That part he regretted deeply for a multitude of reasons.</p><p>He honestly thought he'd be fine by now. He'd already given himself countless pep talks on how to bite his tongue and handle his emotions around the older man. He practiced stoicism for so long, and he'd been able to master such suppression of his emotions all these years. That was how he got through high school. That was how he got through college. It was so ingrained in his character that he was known in college as the guy with no personality – the guy who never smiled or laughed, who very rarely spoke, whose anger, sadness, or happiness was never visible to anyone. So what the heck happened?</p><p>
  <em>"You don't know how hard it was to live with that guilt for eight years. I mourned for you, Felix."</em>
</p><p>He wasn't sure exactly what he was bothered by: Chan's revelation that someone told him Felix had died, or the fact that Chan wasn't as carefree about the whole situation as Felix thought he was. Part of him wanted to give Chan a chance to explain his side of things. To lend him his ears so he could hear exactly what happened from Chan's point of view. But at the same time, he couldn't trust himself to be able to detect truths from lies, and he was afraid he'd be as gullible as his younger self and would take whatever Chan's version of the story was to be true without regard for what Felix knew was true.</p><p>He shook his head and reminded himself of the betrayal and abandonment he'd experienced with the older male. He couldn't take that chance. He didn't trust himself to not trust Chan when the situation called for some skepticism, and he knew that Chan was his weakness. No matter how angry he was at the other Australian, he knew that he would always have a soft spot for him, and he knew that Chan knew it as well. He wasn't going to risk being taken advantage of again just because he allowed himself to be vulnerable.</p><p>
  <em>"You don't know how much I suffered. You have no right to tell me that the friendship I had with you was never founded on sincerity because I had been nothing but sincere towards you. I wouldn't have thrown away my life the way I did if I actually didn’t care about you."</em>
</p><p>Felix wondered what Chan could have possibly meant by that. He was the one who chose to leave Australia for South Korea. He was the one who escaped death after Felix sacrificed himself for him. He was the one who had all the options in the world for a future because he had a supportive family, a great deal of charm, and a multitude of talents.</p><p>He wasn't the one who had to fight for his life. He wasn't the one who was stuck in a coma for a month. He wasn't the one who graduated behind his peers because it took him too long to be able to get back on his feet – literally and figuratively. He wasn't the one who had to face the embarrassment of being talked about from corner to corner in school on a day-to-day basis because people "knew" what happened. He wasn't the one who was permanently handicapped and emotionally scarred for being abandoned by the one person he thought meant the world to him. So why was he talking about suffering? Why was he talking as though he was the victim in all of this?</p><p>Felix did not understand. And while part of him was curious as to what motivated Chan to utter those words, part of him was already expecting a lie to come from his former friend because… well, how bad could have he really suffered when Felix spared him from the permanent scars that were originally meant for him? Scars that he endured and is still currently enduring for Chan to this day? Surely whatever Chan had to go through was nothing compared to what Felix had to deal with, and he was probably just blowing it all out of proportion to regain Felix's friendship and sympathy.</p><p>Felix was pulled from his thoughts when the phone on his desk started ringing. Clearing his throat and refocusing his attention back to work, he picked up the phone and was met with the upset voice of one of the company's managers, reminding him of the project that was due this morning that he delegated yesterday to Chan.</p><p>Only then had Felix realized as he looked out of his office that Chan's desk was still empty. He checked the time on his computer. It was already 9:52am. He didn't remember seeing Chan earlier too when he got in. This was very out of the ordinary. Normally, Chan was one of the first few employees to arrive in the office. Even on days when Felix got in earlier than usual for some meetings, Chan almost always got there before he did.</p><p>Felix's brows furrowed without him even realizing. He wasn't sure how he felt about the situation, unable to distinguish between the confusion and concern that both swirled within his chest.</p><p>As soon as the call was over, he got out of his seat and exited his office, making a beeline for the desks of the content production team.</p><p>"Had anyone seen Chan?" he urgently asked as soon as he was within hearing distance of the team.</p><p>Hyunjin and Seungmin both looked at Jisung.</p><p>"Manager Lee," Jisung said as he stood from his seat to speak to the other man, "I-I thought I told you earlier when I ran into you in the hallway that he won't be able to come to work today."</p><p>Felix raised his brows and opened his mouth to say something before he remembered that Jisung did tell him something earlier that he simply nodded to. He'd be the first to admit (although not outwardly to anyone) that he'd been out of it all morning. His brain had been preoccupied with non-work-related matters (such as the discussion he had with Chan last night), so he really wouldn't have been surprised had he okayed something that he really was not okay with. "Oh," he simply said. "You're uh… I guess you're right. Did I say it was okay?"</p><p>The other man shrugged. "You… nodded?"</p><p>Felix stuffed his hands into the pockets of his pants as he turned around to walk back to his office. "Call him and tell him to come to work today."</p><p>"B-but—"</p><p>"Also," he added as he turned back around to face Jisung, realization dawning upon his features. All of a sudden, he wasn't too keen on going back to his office just yet. At least not without settling this one thing. "Are you his keeper?"</p><p>Jisung looked at him with wide eyes. "Excuse me?"</p><p>"You heard me," Felix said, refusing to repeat himself. With a raised brow, he continued. "Tell me, Jisung. Last time I checked, I'm the person he's supposed to be reporting to and informing of his absences. Not you. So how is it that Chan can tell you when he's not coming to work, but he can't tell it to me himself? Why does he need you to relay the message for him?"</p><p>"Maybe if you weren't so hostile towards him, he'd be able to approach you better," Seungmin muttered under his breath as he pretended to be busy with the video he was editing.</p><p>Felix turned towards him pointedly. "You were saying something, Seungmin?"</p><p>"Me?" he asked innocently as he pulled his headphones down. "No, I was just working away and talking to myself. Please ignore me."</p><p>"W-with all due respect, Manager Lee," Jisung interjected. "The only reason I get to relay the message for him is because I was with him when things came up last night—er, this morning."</p><p>Felix smirked as he looked at the man who, like himself, seemed to have only gotten an hour of sleep the night before. "What, were you out drinking late last night? Is he too hungover to come to work?"</p><p>Jisung's eyes widened. "No—"</p><p>"—That is not acceptable. Tell him he needs to get his act together."</p><p>"Tell him yourself and leave Jisung out of it," Seungmin muttered again, and Hyunjin elbowed him on the side. As much as Hyunjin agreed with the younger man's remarks, he wasn't one to verbalize such comments especially when their boss was right in front of them.</p><p>"We had an emergency last night," Jisung explained.</p><p>"We? And an 'emergency,'" Felix repeated in air quotes. "Of course an emergency would conveniently come up right after we have a difficult conversation after work," he muttered to himself.</p><p>"It's their flat mate," Hyunjin explained for his junior. "They had to take him to the hospital."</p><p>"Their?" the blonde man repeated before looking at Jisung. "You and Chan – you live in the same apartment?"</p><p> "Y-yes," he said with a nod. "Were you not aware?"</p><p>"I wouldn't be asking you if I was, now would I?"</p><p>Jisung bit his lip and looked down, really uncomfortable that Felix was taking out his sour mood on him.</p><p>"You want to play messenger? I'll make you the messenger. Contact Chan and get him here," he demanded before turning back around again to return to his office. "At the very least, he needs to get the Sierra project done today. Remind him he promised last night to get it out first thing in the morning."</p><p>Upon his arrival in his office, he slammed the door behind him and let out a deep breath to rid himself of his frustrations. Was he happy that he did not have to deal with Chan today? Definitely. Was he happy about the things he learned from that short discussion with Chan's team? Absolutely not.</p><p>How dare he take a day off from work at the last minute without contacting him? Granted it was caused by a so-called emergency situation… but at the very least it was his responsibility to pick up the phone and personally let his own boss know. It was his responsibility to make sure the commitments he made at work would be taken care of in his absence.</p><p>"Who does he think he is?" Felix mutters to himself as he marched back to his desk. "First he walks out on me and now he disrespects me in this way?"</p><p>And then there was the living situation between him and Jisung that Felix only found out today. That part, he felt conflicted about.</p><p>One the one hand, he knew he shouldn't care. It really was none of his business where Chan lived or whom he lived with or whom he spent his time outside of work with. But on the other, he couldn't help but care. Be jealous even, maybe – although that part, he'd vehemently deny even when he tried to confront himself in the mirror.</p><p>He and Chris daydreamed a lot back in high school, and one of their favorite things to talk about was their post-college future: the time of their lives in which they'll have their own careers and be able to defy their own parents' expectations from them and leave home to rent a place closer to their respective workplaces. They both agreed to try to make it in a specific part of town, with the intention of being able to live together as flat mates while they tried to navigate together the early years of their adult life.</p><p>It was one of the things that got Felix excited about the future. The idea of being able to leave the house he grew up in was in itself thrilling, but the idea of living with his best friend while he chased after his own dreams was an even more appealing thought, and to him, that was the one thing that made his future seem so promising.</p><p>Needless to say, a daydream is but a type of dream, and in the end, Felix's reality reflected none of the plans he had made with Chris. Not too long ago, he still lived in the house he grew up in, and even now in Seoul, he still lived with his brother. He was pretty sure he was over it by now, but learning that Jisung took his place in Chan's reality hurt Felix because, well… in a sense, that should have been <em>him</em>.</p><p>Then again, there are some things such as these that Felix would never be open to admitting… even to himself. Just the same way that there are some thing such as these that Felix would never be able to achieve no matter how much he dreamt of them because of the way his reality had been altered by events of the past.</p><p><em>Work is work</em>, he told himself to convince himself that he only really cared about the issue as it pertained to his job as the team's manager. As much as he had personal issues with Chan's living situation, he also had professional concerns to offer up regarding the matter and if given a choice, he'd much rather focus on those rather than justifying the uneasy feeling that brewed in his chest.</p><p>Before he could gather his thoughts coherently on the matter, his desk phone rang and the caller ID flashed the name of a coordinator from the Human Resources department.</p><p>"Manager Lee, is now a good time for me to speak to you about Team Leader Bang Chan?" the person from the other line asked as soon as he picked up the phone.</p><p>The mere mention of Chan's name caused him to straighten in his seat. Why was HR calling him about Chan? Did he give his notice? Was he going to leave him once and for all now? Was the conversation last night all it took for Felix to finally be able to get rid of the one person who distracted him from work while he was at work?</p><p>That made sense. He was a coward when it came to Felix anyway. He never defended himself against the younger man's accusations, never stood up for his own decisions all those years ago but rather kept passing facts off as untrue with no alternative explanation… heck, he found it so easy to leave Felix behind back then. How much easier would it be for him to leave again now that they were no longer attached to each other like they were in high school?</p><p>Chan may have given off the impression back then that he wasn't the type to give up so easily, but Felix knew him better than that. He only cared about himself and would rather take himself out of the equation so as not to complicate things rather than resolve his issues head-on. <em>Actually… that kind of makes sense,</em> Felix thought to himself<em>. He only loves himself anyway and would rather not be caught in conflict with anyone</em>. <em>He's always been a coward anyway, at least when it comes to that.</em></p><p>"Manager Lee?" the voice on the phone pulled Felix from his thoughts, and he responded by clearing his throat.</p><p>"Y-yes. Now is a good time. What about Chan?"</p><p>"He called first thing in the morning today and informed me that he is dealing with an emergency situation at home," she explained. "Per confidentiality guidelines, I am not allowed to discuss his personal matters with you, but I do want to inform you that I have preliminarily allowed him to work remotely for the time being to allow him to take care of personal matters. I mentioned that I need to speak to you first before being able to make it official, since I'd like you get your input as to whether such an arrangement would cause any problems to his team or to your department, or if you have any concerns about his ability to fulfill his duties while he telecommutes to work."</p><p>Felix paused in thought, massaging the bridge of his nose before responding to the question with another one of his own. "Is this necessary? I mean… have you confirmed the validity of this 'emergency' situation?"</p><p>"Yes. Again, I am not allowed to give you specific information, but yes, he is in the middle of a situation right now."</p><p>"And he really has to work remotely? There's no other option?"</p><p>"Would you rather that he take time off from work, Manager Lee?"</p><p>He made a face although he knew the other person could not see him. "No, not really. For how long is he going to be working with this arrangement?"</p><p>"At the minimum, two weeks," she answered as she flipped through the notes she wrote down during her conversation with Chan earlier. "At most, four."</p><p>Felix's brows furrowed. "That's quite a significant amount of time."</p><p>"Which is why he proposed working remotely rather than taking time off," she explained. "He mentioned that he'll have to step away from his work intermittently in the daytime, but he promised that he will be working in the evenings to make up for any hours lost during the work day."</p><p>"And… what happens if I say no?"</p><p>"May I know your reasons for that, Manager Lee?"</p><p>He opened his mouth to say something but nothing came out. He really was just asking to see what the options are. He didn't really have any valid work-related reason to offer up.</p><p>"One other option he gave me earlier was to have him and Han Jisung take time off alternately every other day, although he was quick to point out that that is not an ideal set up since it will affect turnaround times and workload management for their team. He was hoping to leave Jisung out of this proposed arrangement so as not to disrupt his and the team's work."</p><p>"No, I agree," Felix said as his frown deepened. "That option sounds worse."</p><p>"Do you have any misgivings about Chan's proposed set up, then, Manager Lee? Or can I give him a ring to confirm that we have it officially approved?"</p><p>"How will he go about his responsibilities in leading the team when he's not here to lead the team, per se?"</p><p>"Sir, he is still going to be regularly in touch with them. He will make himself available for questions and concerns. It's just that he won't be physically there, but he will still be working."</p><p>Felix sighed. He didn't know what was wrong with him. He normally would have been happy to not have to physically see Chan for an extended amount of time. He wouldn't have to deal with his questions or his concerns about their so-called past friendship. He wouldn't have to keep an eye out to see when it was safe enough to go to the kitchen without running into him. He wouldn’t have to be distracted from his own work simply because Chan's desk was directly along his line of sight whenever his office door was left open.</p><p>But somehow he wasn't happy about this setup. Somehow he didn't want to give in… even if he didn't have a legitimate reason to deny his request. Deep inside, he wondered how much truth there was behind this "emergency," especially since it happened after that awkward conversation they had last night. Chan wasn't immature enough to actually try to get HR involved just because he couldn't fight his battles with Felix, wasn't he?</p><p>"Fine," he finally he said when he couldn't come up with any other alibis to keep it from happening. "But only if he reports to me regularly about the progress on the projects I have assigned to him and his team."</p><p>"Noted. I will pass that along to him. Thank you, Manager Lee."</p><p>"Actually…" he added, punctuating the word with a pause as he gathered his thoughts. "While I have you on the phone, there's something I wanted to discuss with you if you have a minute or two to spare?"</p><p>"Of course. What is it about?"</p><p>"About Bang Chan and Han Jisung," he answered as he looked out the small window in his office to see one of the subjects of their topic typing away at his computer, oblivious to what was about to happen. "I have concerns about their current living situation."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Changbin never thought he'd ever hold onto Chan's pale, frigid hand for dear life, but that was exactly what he found himself doing on Christmas Eve as the older boy's head rested on his shoulder while they drove to the hospital in panic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When Chan walked out on him distraughtly last Monday, the plan was that Changbin was going to check in on him on Thursday – their next tutoring session – to see how he was doing. Originally, he was going to pay him a visit the following day at the shelter, but he figured it might be best to give his friend some space considering his heightened emotions when he left the day before.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>However, as soon as an hour had passed by since their agreed-upon (and regular) meeting time on Thursday, Changbin regretted the choice he made as he realized that his friend was not planning on showing up. Maybe he should have checked up on him. He probably could have used some support – an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. Changbin wondered to himself if he was selfish for not giving that to Chan when he saw how visibly upset his friend was earlier in the week.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To say that he was worried was an understatement. Initially, he was worried that he'd done something wrong to upset the older boy – thus prompting him to simply walk out on him without so much a goodbye on their last encounter – but after checking twice and thrice, he knew his conscience was clear. It was the message he received after their last tutoring session that turned Chan's mood upside down rather than it being anything that Changbin did or said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Upon determining that Chan was not going to show up today, he called for his driver so he could stop by Yellow Wood. Knowing that a small gesture of thoughtfulness might cheer him up, Changbin ordered a special pastry for his friend before leaving the café to bring over with him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To his surprise, he was met with the news from the clerk at Yellow Wood that Chan had not been in the premises for a couple of days now.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The last time we saw him was when he left with you," he was informed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That was Monday!" he said with fright. "Where had he been the past three days?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A shrug came from the clerk before she proceeded to take a call at the front desk. Changbin tried to rack his brain for where Chan could have gone, but he came up with nothing. As his thoughts raced at the speed of light, he pulled a sheet of paper out from the desk and scribbled a note to the clerk with his phone number, asking that they contact him immediately if they see Chan around or gather some news about his whereabouts.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin took his phone out and opened the messaging app that Chan used earlier in the week. Not being too active on social media himself, he actually forgot to open the app to log back into his own account after Chan had used it, but right now, that was the least of his concerns. Right now, he crossed his fingers and sent a prayer heavenward that Chan forgot to log out after using it on Monday.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin was never one to invade someone else's privacy, but desperate situations called for desperate measures, and if he had to get in touch with Felix himself while posing as Chan online, he was going to do it just so he could find out where his friend could have gone to.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A sigh of relief escaped his lips when he realized that Chan was still logged on, and the first thing he looked at was the page containing his private messages. One was dated Monday, and without hesitation, Changbin tapped on the message and read over the exchange that took place.</em>
</p><p>Chris - how dare you reach out to me after running away from your responsibility all those months ago. You're telling me you're concerned about Felix? Where were you all this time when he was suffering in the hospital? You really think anyone would believe that lie? You really think Felix would still call you a friend after you left him the way you did? You're asking me how he's doing – why don't you ask him yourself? Maybe he'll haunt you in your dreams and never allow you to live a good life wherever you are. After all, you don't deserve a good life anyway. We lost Felix because of you, and the club will never be the same again because of you.</p><p>I remember you saying in our elementary graduation that you live your life wanting to make a difference in the world. Here it is; here's the difference you so longed to make. Too bad it's not something you can be proud of. Or maybe you are. I don't know what runs in that sick little head of yours anyway, but a little piece of unsolicited advice before I block you: don't you dare come back here again. No one needs you and no one wants you around. No one cares about a murderer like you. Better yet, you should just disappear from this planet. That's what you deserve for what you've done to Felix.</p><p>
  <em>With wide eyes and with his heart falling to his gut at what the message implied, Changbin rushed back into his car to try to find his friend. Chan wouldn't listen to that schoolmate of his, would he? No, he was a lot smarter than that. He was a lot more levelheaded than that. There was no way he'd… do that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He asked his driver to take him to the small tutoring agency in which Chan worked. There, he found out that Chan had not been there since Monday either and that the owner was actually considering firing him for being negligent of his responsibilities. Changbin tried to appease the owner's anger, explaining that Chan was just going through something difficult at the moment, but the owner did not bulge, saying he was not about to listen to a teenager who was even younger than the person he was appealing for.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They drove around town in search for the Australian, but luck was not on their side. By the time he reached home to the strict reprimands of his parents, it was already almost 9pm, and he still hadn't done any of the homework he had due the following day. He couldn't care less about the homework, though. He just wanted to know his friend was safe and okay.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He considered asking his parents for help. After all, they had the resources they need. But he also second-guessed himself because he never even told them about Chan before, and he knew he'd be grounded as soon as he admitted that he'd been spending all his time with a homeless boy rather than the school tutors he initially convinced them he'd be working with regularly (which he did before he even met Chan). He couldn't get grounded now. Not when he needed to find Chan. Not while Chan needed him to be free.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He spent hours every day after school trying to search the city for his friend, but he had always been unlucky in his quest. Winter vacation soon started, and he still had no traces of the Australian.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>On Christmas Eve, Changbin and his parents attended a party hosted by one of the sponsors on a major project led by their company earlier in the month. Changbin really did not want to go and was far from a partying mood, but he had traditionally accompanied his parents to such events and he knew that backing out at the last minute was not going to go well. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The party was held at one of the hotels overlooking the Han River, near Hangang Park. Since they arrived at the scene early and Changbin didn't really know anyone, he excused himself briefly, asking his parents if he could spend some time at the park before the party begins.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It didn't take much to convince them. Compared to the stereotypical rich businessmen in the city, Changbin's parents were actually pretty easygoing as long as he met their general expectations from him (such as good grades and his participation in events such as these).</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin sighed gloomily as he got out to the park, subconsciously pulling his coat tighter around himself as the crisp winter air blew on his face. It had been extra chilly today since the forecast predicted a winter storm making landfall in the city proper a little past midnight tonight. If there's anything he knew about the weather, it was that the hours leading up to a snowstorm were usually colder than the time the snow actually started dropping from the skies.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He genuinely worried about Chan especially now that the temperature was below freezing, noting that the only thing Chan had that was remotely close to winter clothing was the rugged hoodie he's had with him since they met in the summer. Even then, he knew that the fabric of that clothing was much thinner now than it had been in the past due to Chan's overuse, and it definitely wouldn't have been enough to keep him warm in today's climate.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He hoped that the shelter gave him – or at the very least, lent him – some jackets to use when he had to leave to go to work, but seeing how Changbin hadn't seen Chan wear anything but the hoodie, he highly doubted it. Why did he not follow Chan the other day to at least hand him the sweaters he bought for him? He sighed heavily, and the air that left his mouth floated up to the air in a thin fog before vanishing. Wherever Chan was, Changbin could only hope that he was able to stay warm.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tomorrow, he'll be resuming his search for the older boy. There wasn't much he could do tonight since he's stuck with his parents at the party for presumably the rest of the evening, but he had a firm resolve to make tomorrow a productive search day especially since he wasn't scheduled to go to the shelter to help out with some of the chores. He already planned out which parts of the city he was going to be looking at, and he was hoping that by the end of the day, he'd at least be a step closer to locating where Chan could have gone to. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>At this point, he wasn't even going to be mad at Chan if he found out that he never returned to the shelter just because he wanted to explore the city on his own. Yes, that would have been very unlikely and honestly insensitive of him, but Changbin would have gladly forgiven such a shortsighted excuse if it at least meant his friend was safe.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wasn't sure what it was about the older boy. He usually took a while to warm up to people given his fair share of encounters with peers who only cared about his social status and financial abilities, but he knew from the beginning that something was different with Chan. He wasn't just someone in need who inflated Changbin's ego for his benefit; he was a friend – period, and a true one at that. It might have been too early to be so sure of himself, but deep inside, Changbin just knew it, and he was willing to take a risk with Chan even though the more rational side of him normally would be chiding him now for being overly attached to someone he didn't know too well.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He pulled his phone from his coat to check the time and blew hot air into his hands before sliding them back into his pockets. It was probably best that he head back now so that he wouldn't attract the attention of other guests if he walked in just as the program was starting.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The park was empty now, with it being past sunset and frigid outdoors, save for some couples who thought the idea of hanging out by the river on a cold winter evening on Christmas Eve was a romantic idea. Changbin shrugged. To each his own, he thought, although that definitely wouldn't have been his preference given the small shivers that began to creep all the way into his bones.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he treaded his way back to the hotel, he noticed one person sitting on a bench that faced the river. He was wearing a black hoodie, although his hood simply rested on his shoulders rather than on the person's head. He was the only one in the park – aside from Changbin – who was out here on his own, and the harder the young boy tried to squint at this sole person on the bench, the harder he felt the tug on his chest to walk closer to him and away from his original destination.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Without even realizing it, Changbin followed his feet towards the direction of the stranger, until eventually he could see the person's curls swaying with the wind, its ends blonde but its roots dark. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Chan Hyung?" he muttered, first as a whisper to himself, and then at a greater volume. Each step that he took got him closer to being convinced that he had indeed found the person he was looking for, and with each utterance of his name came the conviction that his search was finally over.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Chan Hyung?" he called out for the nth time as soon as he was face-to-face with said boy, but Chan simply had his sights focused on the river ahead of him as though he hadn't heard anything. His eyes were fixed on something and nothing at the same time, too tired to try to move about to any direction other than where they landed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin's heart broke at the sight of his hyung – his clothes visibly dirty and worn down despite being all dark, his hair a disheveled mess, his eyes simultaneously focused and unfocused, his lips blue as they chattered incessantly through incoherent mumbles as the muscles of his seemingly smaller frame convulsed with the uncontrollable shivers that ran through his spine.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung," he called again in panic, this time approaching the older one to let him know that he was here now. He didn't want to scare the latter with his touch during his confused, disjointed trance, but it was either that or he let the older teen freeze to death. He was not going to let that happen. He placed his hands on Chan's cheeks, feeling nothing but the unmistakable frigidness that almost made his pale skin painful to touch. "Hyung, we need to get you warm."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He continued mumbling incoherently as though he was sleeptalking, his garbled speech almost sounding like they came from someone who partied too hard and got drunk, although Changbin knew better than to even think that that's what happened to Chan.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung," he tried again to get his attention but Chan instead rested his weight on Changbin's grasp as his eyes drooped to almost a close before opening again upon feeling the younger boy tap his cheek to keep him awake. "Hyung, can you hear me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"F-Felix?" he said in a voice so little, it almost made Changbin want to tear up. "I… I've been w-waiting… for you, Lixie."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What are you talking about, Hyung? It's… it's me…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We goin' Lixie?" Chan slurred in delirium, desperation coating his voice beneath his chattering teeth before closing his eyes. "H-hyung… h-hyungie's t-tired…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung! D-don't you dare!" Changbin exclaimed as he tapped Chan's frigid cheeks lightly before fumbling for his phone. "I know you're cold and tired but don't you dare close your eyes on me, Hyung. I need you to stay awake." He teared up as he thought of the implication behind Chan's words. "I need you to stay with me, Hyung."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"L-Lixie is… Channie's home," he muttered as he leaned into Changbin subconsciously for the warmth his body desperately needed. "W-where Lixie is… Channie is."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In panic, Changbin called his parents and told them an emergency had come up. More than anything, he was thankful that his parents always prioritized him over their business affairs, and the sound of terror in his voice was enough for them to decide to leave the party to look for him so they could come to his aid.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By the time they reached Changbin, Chan was already unconscious in their son's arms, both his breath and his uncontrollable shivers slowing down to almost nothing. Changbin wrapped his own coat protectively around the older boy, although he wasn't sure whether it even made a difference seeing how bad his friend's condition currently was. With the help of his parents, he managed to bring him to their vehicle so they could rush him to the hospital. Luckily, they somehow had a fleece blanket hidden in the trunk of their car, and they were able to use it to wrap around the young Australian who continued to breathe shallowly in a labored manner in his unconscious stupor.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung," Changbin cried as he tightened his hold onto his friend to give him some warmth. "Stay with me please. We're almost there."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was in that moment, as Chan's head lolled onto Chanbin's chest and a final breath escaped his lips, that Changbin's world came to a halt.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>Appendicitis. Chan's gut feeling was right about Changbin's condition when he heard the younger man's complaint that prompted their trip to the emergency room.</p><p>Luckily, they got there just in the nick of time for an appendectomy (or so they have been informed), before Changbin's appendix could burst and cause more problems and complications. Chan sent a prayer of gratitude heavenward before beginning his long evening (or morning – what time was it already, anyway?) of pacing back and forth on the hallways of the waiting area as he kept an eye on the doors of the operating room to hear about how his friend is doing.</p><p>"Are you sure you'll be okay if I leave you here and went to work?" Jisung asked the older man in between yawns. "You're technically my superior, so if you tell me I can skip work today—"</p><p>"It's okay, Sungie," Chan reassured as he rubbed on his tired eyes. "Any moment now, the surgery should be over and I'll just be waiting for Binnie to wake up. You don't need to spend the day here."</p><p>"But are you sure you wouldn't need company or someone to talk to while you wait?"</p><p>"I'm fine." He let out a small smile. "Seungmin and Hyunjin need you more today since I'm already skipping."</p><p>"Okay," he said as he stretched his limbs out, his joints cracking at the movement, prompting a small smile to surface on his lips for the temporary relief he felt. He'd been sitting on that uncomfortable chair for way too long. "You will keep me updated, right?"</p><p>"Of course. I'll make that phone call later during office hours too so I can check if the arrangement we discussed earlier is feasible. I'll let you know what HR says."</p><p>"Sounds good," he said with a nod as he suppressed another yawn. "Hey, do you need coffee or anything? I might stop by the coffee shop in the lobby before heading out. I can grab you something and drop it off with you before heading to the bus stop."</p><p>"No need, I'm okay," he assured. "Thank you, though."</p><p>"Okay, Hyung." Jisung jumped out of his seat in an attempt to wake himself up. "I'll talk to you later."</p><p>Chan nodded. "Don't fall asleep on the bus or you might miss your stop… again."</p><p>The younger man stuck a tongue out at him playfully before walking away, knowing that Chan was only speaking based on previous experience with Jisung.</p><p>A small smile graced Chan's lips at his younger friend's playfulness before he turned his attention back to the double doors of the operating room. He wondered when Changbin's surgeon would emerge from those doors to let him know everything was alright.</p><p>To be honest, he was really thankful that he had Jisung to keep him company the last couple of hours. He was never really fond of the hospital setting, and the mere scent of antiseptics made him a lot more anxious than he thought was reasonable. It reminded him so much of his last moments with Felix all those years ago. Of the daily visits and nightly vigils he did by his best friend's side. It reminded him of his helplessness in their situation… of his guilt for even putting them both in that predicament.</p><p>He never really was able to move on from that memory, and you would think that for someone as seemingly happy and put together as he was, he would have found it easy to turn the knob down on his brain for this particular memory so he could suppress it whenever and wherever he wanted… even now that he knew Felix was actually alive.</p><p>Unfortunately, that was not the case. He'd relived those memories way too much in the past eight years that there was no way he could easily just wipe it off from his memory unless he underwent a procedure specifically for that purpose. Then again, why would he? He owed Felix his second chance at life, and he was not one to choose to forget that.</p><p>Soon, Changbin's doctor appeared and informed him that the procedure was successful and that Changbin was now being brought to his own room so that Chan could see him. Chan let out a sigh of relief.</p><p>The doctor told Chan that the younger male had already woken up from anesthesia earlier for a split second, but that he was out like a light again and probably would not even remember it since it was too short a time that he'd been awake. Thankfully, his temperature had also gone slightly down. They walked side by side towards the patient's room while the doctor informed him of what happens next and how the recovery process was expected to take place.</p><p>Chan took care of all the things he had to handle and made the phone calls he needed to make while waiting for his friend to wake up. He was a little bit surprised at how wide awake he was by now considering he never really got sleep last night and his brain still felt like mush from the jumble of things that have happened since the end of the workday yesterday.</p><p>By the time Changbin stirred from his sleep, Chan had just finished a bag of crackers that he got from the vending machine in the hallway outside just across the room .</p><p>"Binnie, hey," he greeted as he discarded the wrapper and swallowed the last bit of his first meal of the day. "You awake?"</p><p>"M'yeah." Changbin let out a deep breath before opening his eyes fully, a glimmer of joy and relief immediately appearing as soon as he recognized Chan's face. "Hi Hyung."</p><p>"How are you feeling?"</p><p>"What are you doing here?" he asked confusedly. "Did they back out on me?"</p><p>"What do you mean?" Chan asked, confused as well at his friend's own set of questions.</p><p>"Didn't they say you weren't allowed in the operating room? Why are you here?"</p><p>"Bin, you're in your room now."</p><p>It was Changbin's turn to furrow his brows together as he looked around. "Is the procedure done? How long have we been waiting?"</p><p>"It's done. You're in recovery now."</p><p>"It's done?!" he asked, definitely more awake now. "That seems quick. Didn't I just fall asleep?"</p><p>"It's been a few hours."</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>"How are you feeling, bud?"</p><p>"Considering that they drilled a hole into my stomach, I'm feeling okay. They must have some top-notch pain killers around here."</p><p>Chan smiled. "That's good."</p><p>"I do feel bloated though."</p><p>"The doctor said that should pass. It's probably some of the leftover carbon dioxide they used so they can see your organs clearer. I'm glad it doesn't sound like you're in pain anymore though. You worried us last night, Bin."</p><p>"Us? Is Jisung here?"</p><p>He shook his head as he sat more comfortably on the seat next to the bed. "He's at work now. But he was here earlier. You don't remember?"</p><p>"I kinda do, but I kinda don't. I feel like I was so out of it with the pain and all."</p><p>Chan nodded as a flashback of last night's horrific experience emerged in his thoughts. Changbin was in too much pain that the two other men had to hold him up on either side while they waited for their ride to the hospital. Chan shuddered. He hated feeling helpless when one of his friends needed him. "Don't wait for things to get that bad again next time, please? You know you can tell me if you feel like something's wrong."</p><p>"I didn't want you to worry," the younger one reasoned out. "It's bad enough you're already stressed out with the Felix situation. I didn't want to add to that stress with what could potentially be a false alarm."</p><p>"It doesn't matter. I still want you to come to me when you think something feels off. I get what you're saying, but it wasn't a false alarm, was it? And you wouldn't have had to suffer as much if you told us right away and we were able to bring you here earlier."</p><p>"Yes, Hyung. I got that noted. But it's not like there will be a next time. They took my appendix out, didn't they?"</p><p>"They did. But this applies to all situations, not just your appendix. Next time you feel like something's out of the ordinary, come talk to Hyung, okay?"</p><p>He smiled. "For your peace of mind, okay, Hyung."</p><p>"Good." Chan smiled. "Do you need anything? Water or a more comfortable position, or—"</p><p>"I'm okay," he assured groggily. "I'll let you know if that changes."</p><p>Chan nodded as he looked on.</p><p>"You didn’t get any sleep, did you?" Changbin asked as he noticed the darkness under Chan's eyes.</p><p>Chan looked down and shook his head lightly.</p><p>"Sorry, Hyung."</p><p>"It's not your fault, Bin. I could have slept on the couch while you were out if I really needed the shuteye," he responded as he gestured towards the small couch against the wall in the room. "I wouldn't be able to sleep even if I wanted to anyway."</p><p>Changbin immediately understood what Chan meant by that. "How's Felix, by the way? I didn’t get to ask you yesterday."</p><p>"I don't know." He answered with a soft groan. "I walked out on him last night."</p><p>The patient's eyes widened at his hyung's revelation. That did not sound like something Chan would do. "What happened?"</p><p>The Australian shrugged. "He had some accusations, and he refused to listen to my side of things. It became too much for me and I needed to get away."</p><p>"Oh."</p><p>"I get that he's wary about me now. I can't blame him if he's been misinformed just like I was. But he won't even give me a chance to speak. He's so closed off from anything that I have to say."</p><p>"I know your side of things," Changbin noted. "Would you want me to talk to him for you, Hyung?"</p><p>Chan smiled as he rubbed the pad of his thumb against the younger man's forearm. "I appreciate the offer, but it's fine, Binnie. Don't worry yourself with my personal drama; that shouldn't even be a burden to you. Right now, I want you to focus on your recovery."</p><p>Changbin nodded, knowing fully well that Chan preferred dealing with his issues alone. "If you change your mind, let me know. I'll be happy to give him a wake-up call with a run-down of the details from your end."</p><p>"Thank you."</p><p>"What time is it by the way?" he asked with a yawn.</p><p>"Almost noon."</p><p>"Crap, I haven't called into work."</p><p>"I already did."</p><p>Changbin looked shocked. "You called my employer?"</p><p>"Yeah. I talked to the receptionist and informed her that you had a medical emergency and won't be able to come to work in the next two to three weeks. She said HR will connect with you soon so you can formally arrange a medical leave of absence with them while you recover. But don't think of that for now."</p><p>"What about you? You called in too?"</p><p>"I called my HR and asked if I could have have today off and also a work-from-home arrangement for the time being."</p><p>"Hyung, you don't have to do that—"</p><p>"—I do, Binnie—"</p><p>"But what about your team?"</p><p>"They'll manage. Hyunjin has enough experience to lead them in my absence if needed. Besides, I'm still going to be working. I'm just not going to be physically there with them."</p><p>"Hyung, if that's too much trouble—"</p><p>"It'll be more trouble if I physically go to work but leave my mind at home worrying about you."</p><p>"But you don't have to worry about me. I'll probably just be on the couch or in bed all day."</p><p>"What happens if you drop something on the floor? Or worse, if you lose your balance and fall? You need someone with you at home."</p><p>"But Hyung—"</p><p>"No buts, Binnie. Please?"</p><p>"You worry too much."</p><p>"I care too much," he countered. "It's not a big deal, Bin, so please just let me do this for you. HR already approved, and I already have my work laptop at home since I had to finish something for my boss last night. It's all good and it'll be alright."</p><p>He sighed in defeat but not without a smile on his face. "Thanks, Hyung. You know I really appreciate you."</p><p>He smiled as he adjusted the blanket on the younger man's torso. "Your doctor said you should be able to go home tomorrow, by the way. Since we don't know what time that might happen, your mom said she'll probably just drop by tonight—"</p><p>"You called Eomma too?"</p><p>"I promised her that I'll alert her if anything happens to you, didn't I?" he playfully asked, prompting a sheepish smile from Changbin. How could he forget? It was something his mom repeated over and over a couple years back when Changbin informed his parents that he's moving out of their mansion-like residence to rent an apartment with Chan.</p><p>"What did she say?"</p><p>"Well, earlier she was really worried. But I gave her an update as soon as I got to talk to your doctor and she seemed a lot calmer then. She said she and your dad will come check up on you tonight. I already gave her the details and your room number."</p><p>"Hyung, how could you have gotten this all covered for me when you have your own problems to deal with and you haven't even gotten a wink of sleep? I… thank you."</p><p>"Don't mention it. You're like my little brother, remember? Of course I'll get everything taken care of for you. Besides… this is nothing compared to what you've done for me all those years ago when I was in a worse situation. I'll never forget that, Bin. This is the least I could do for you."</p><p>"The way you're taking care of me now is enough to convince me that you would have done for me what I did for you back then if our roles were reversed," he said with a small drowsy smile as he took the older one's hand to give it a squeeze. "All you do is love and care for others, and what you've been through is not what you deserve. I didn't bother you yesterday because I noticed that the sadness in your eyes when you got home from work was one I haven't seen since that evening back then when you found out Felix was gone. It was a look of helpless defeat, and I hate that you're in a position like that again with him now. You deserve to be happy, Hyung. I just hope Felix sees that too sooner rather than later."</p><p>Chan squeezed his hand back with a wistful smile as he nodded in reply, hoping for nothing more than for Changbin's words to come true.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Changbin had no choice but to explain to his parents his connection to Chan while they waited outside the emergency room. While he was willing to receive whatever punishment they deemed were fit for him after lying the past six months to them about his tutor, he begged that in the Christmas spirit, they help Chan with his medical expenses and needs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the end, Mr. and Mrs. Seo gave their son nothing more than a strict talking to before promising to help Chan out the best they could. While they did not condone his dishonesty, they were quite proud of their son for not being judgmental and for being kind-hearted and sympathetic to someone like Chan. They knew how hard it was for Changbin to look for real friends, and if Changbin trusted this one person who made him feel like he was more than his parents' wealth, then they were willing to take a gamble and help him out as an act of charity.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By the time they were taken to Chan's room, the doctor had explained to them that they brought him just in time before irreparable damage could have taken over the young man. The doctor's findings were alarming but not surprising considering the condition Changbin had seen his friend in earlier.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's moderately – almost severely – hypothermic," the doctor explained as they entered the room. "We're hoping that in a few hours, the heating blanket and the medicine we administered would bring his body temperature to a normal level, but that's not the only issue I'm worried about. He had an irregular heart rhythm as well and a dangerously low blood pressure. His pulse was weak, and his respiration was almost absent. We had to help him extensively before he managed to breathe on his own again."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The doctor's findings were enough to cause Changbin's brows to furrow. He looked at the bed and immediately teared up at the sight of his almost unrecognizable friend whose skin was deathly pale and whose body was pretty much mummified with blankets and warm wraps to raise his temperature. If there was anything he was thankful for, it was the fact that he could see his friend breathing much better now through the foggy oxygen mask that adorned his face. Next to the bed, the steady rhythm of a beeping machine further confirmed the life in the seemingly lifeless young man.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He is severely dehydrated, too, and he is very malnourished. We wouldn’t know for sure until he wakes up and confirms for us, but it almost appears as though he hadn't had any food or liquids in the past week or so."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin looked down. That sounded about right. The last time he was with Chan was ten days ago. That could have been ten days of no food or water for him if he'd been so distraught by his own emotions to be bothered to sustain his own existence.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We need to monitor him closely because his vitals are all abnormal," the doctor explained, "but if his body survives this negligence and we confirm that he's done this on purpose, I strongly recommend that he undergo therapy."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin and his parents spent the evening in the hospital waiting for any improvement on Chan's condition, but the night turned into day with no noticeable difference. By the evening of the following day, Chan began regaining his consciousness, catching Changbin's attention as he muffled a cough and stirred from his sleep.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung?" Changbin asked softly as he leaned closer to the bed and rested a hand on his arm. It took a while for Chan to open his eyes but when he did, Changbin heaved out a sigh of relief. He never knew until now how much he'd taken for granted in the past seeing some life in those eyes, unlike last night.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Binnie?" he croaked as soon as the fog in his brain cleared out to allow him to recognize the boy next to him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, I'm so glad you're awake!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He closed his eyes tiredly and let out a breath. "W-what happened?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You're in the hospital, Hyung," he explained gently with a warm smile. "Your body needed a lot of help."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Upon mention of his location, Chan's eyes widened and he immediately tried to sit up, ignoring the dark circles that danced about in his vision. He saw the wires that were connected to him to keep him alive, and a sense of panic coursed through his veins as he tried to gently shove Changbin to the side, his vision tilting along as his friend fell out of balance to the seat next to the bed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, what are you doing—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He could feel himself swaying at the suddenness of his movements, but he ignored it and ripped the needle off the back of his hand and swung his legs to the side of the bed while pulling off the rest of the wires he saw were attached to him. "I need to go."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Where are you going?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's none of your business."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His knees gave out on him the exact same moment he relied on them to be able to carry his weight, and he ended up crashing down to the floor, nearly hitting his head on the tiled floor if not for Changbin's quick reflexes. The world spun before his eyes but he was too stubborn to admit it, so he closed them briefly instead in hopes that the dizziness would pass just as quickly as it came. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I can't be here," he muttered while unknowingly holding onto the smaller boy for support while his vision refused to cooperate.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, you can't go anywhere in your condition," he explained as he discreetly pushed the button asking for assistance. "You need to rest up."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan pushed him away. "You don't know what I need."</em>
</p><p><em>"Do </em>you<em> know what you need?" Changbin gently challenged back. "Last time I checked, you were giving yourself the exact opposite of what your body needs."</em></p><p>
  <em>Chan remained silent.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A nurse immediately came through the door and helped Changbin lift his friend back up from the floor and onto the bed. Chan wanted to protest and run away, but he was too low on energy to do anything other than to let out a whimper to inform them he didn't agree to any of this. The nurse reconnected him back to the monitors next to his bed as well as the drip that replenished the fluids he'd lost over the last couple of days, not leaving the room until she'd given Chan a short spiel on how he needed to rest up. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Awkward silence fell upon them as soon as the door closed behind the nurse, leaving the two teenagers alone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You'll be okay now, Hyung. You'll be okay now…" the dark-haired boy said as he reclaimed the seat next to the bed that he had earlier, unsure as to whether it was Chan or himself that he was trying to convince. "The doctor said you were hypotensive because of your hypothermia, and that you were severely dehydrated and malnourished. Have you not been eating at all?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No response.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You were barely breathing when we got you here, Hyung. Thank goodness they were able to help you out with that right away. They were able to get your temperature and blood pressure back to normal too, but I was informed earlier that they'll need to keep you here until they are confident that your body's systems are functioning the way they should. The doctor told me this morning that your internal organs were almost damaged by the severity of your hypothermia, so there might be some difficulty for you to properly absorb the nutrients pushed to you by the IV line, especially if… if you've been starving yourself this whole time."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still no response.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-I know you're dealing with a lot, Hyung. I… I saw the message you got last week." He paused for a while to give Chan a chance to respond, but he continued when the older teenager remained silent. "I want you to know that I'm here for you. I'm not going to leave you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan sighed lightly as he averted his gaze further away from the younger boy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I talked to my parents. They're not here right now because they promised to visit my grandparents for the holiday, but they'll stop by tonight. I… I asked for their help, Hyung. I-if you want to go back to Australia…" he paused and swallowed a lump in his throat. He really didn't want his hyung to go, but if that was what's best for him, he was willing to do whatever it took. "They can try to pull some strings to make it happen. It's probably not the best idea at the moment, though, given your condition and… well, everything."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan listened, but did not react in any way.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But if you decide to stay, we're not taking you back to Yellow Wood. My parents agreed to let you stay in our guest room at home. That way, we can keep an eye on you regularly and help you recover."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan felt a slight stinging in his eyes upon hearing his friend's words, so he decided to close them instead. He didn't deserve Changbin. Why was he so nice to him? Didn't he say he read the message directed towards him on his phone? Hadn't he realized by now that Chan had cost someone his own life? That Chan deserved nothing other than repugnance for playing the role that he did on the death of his own best friend?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I was so scared, Hyung. I don't know what I was expecting, but… the condition I found you in was not it. I-it was not what I was expecting at all. I-I thought… I thought I'd lose you. And just the thought of that alone is enough to literally make my chest hurt right now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan opened his eyes and stared at the corner of the wall that intersected with the ceiling, tears running down his face without him even noticing.</em>
</p><p><em>"Hyung," Changbin softly said as he placed a hand again on his arm. "Talk to me please. I'm here now. I'm here </em>for you<em> now. I'm here to listen to you."</em></p><p>
  <em>"What's there to talk about?" he quietly asked. "Nothing makes sense anymore."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The sound of Chan's soft sobs punctured the silence in the room. "Why did you have to come?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I've been looking for you this whole time. You have no idea how worried I was—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"—I was so close to getting there. Why did you have to come?" he repeated before pausing to take a breath. "You should have just left me to die."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, please don't say that," Changbin begged as tears pooled in his own eyes. "H-how could you… how could you even think that?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix is gone," he whispered, the break in his voice enough to cut through the mask of courage that the younger boy tried to put on in front of him. "Nothing makes sense anymore."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's not true."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I lost my real parents at a young age, but I was able to get back up from that because I had relatives willing to take me in. I had a stepbrother, but I lost him to the dictates of social constructs surrounding our relationship. And while that hurt a lot, I was able to manage because I met Felix. When my adoptive family made me feel like crap for things I did or didn't do, Felix was the only one who lifted me up so effortlessly… without him even knowing. He was the little ball of sunshine that I never knew I needed when all I wanted to do was curl up and hide in the shadows because of things I had to carry by myself. But now… what purpose do I have for living? My stepparents disowned me. My stepbrother shut me out of his life. Felix – the one person I had left – is gone as well. I don’t know if I still have it in me to keep going when everyone has abandoned me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Chan Hyung, what about me?" Changbin sat on the bed facing the older boy and placed his hands on the sides of the latter's face, gently coaxing him to make eye contact with him. "You're not alone in this. You still have me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan looked away. "I've been trying to stay strong this whole time just because of him, Binnie. He's the only reason I've been getting up every morning and trying to find the means to survive… because someday I want to be able to come back home and be the brother to him that I promised I will be," he lamented. "But now that he's gone, I-I don't know… I've endured my fair share of pain. I'd like to think I've handled myself well despite them all. But this? I don't know what to do with this. My soul feels like shattered glass. Far beyond repair; far beyond any use."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But what's broken can be mended over time," he tried to reason out. "You'll get through this, Hyung. I'll help you no matter what it takes."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Anyone who picks up broken shards of glass gets wounded, especially when they're not careful—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Then I'll be careful for you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why would you want to subject yourself to that? To… to me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Because you're worth it," he responded in a heartbeat.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You don't know that. You don't know me well enough. It's not like I've done anything to change your life for you to care so much about me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You don’t have to bring rainbows and butterflies to my world to be able to say you've made an impact on me, Hyung. There's so much more you bring to life than you realize, and I wish there's some way I could help you see that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"A bearer of gifts is only as good as the presents he bring," Chan countered. "I don't know if I have anything left to give. I mean… what's the sense of it all? I can get out of bed and go about my day… but for what? What difference does it make if I continue breathing or if I just drop dead in the middle of the street?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung, it makes all the difference to me. Do I not matter to you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Your heart is too pure and precious to be involved with someone like me, Bin. You matter to me, and that's why I don't want to burden you anymore."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Not being able to care for you and show you what I see in you is more of a burden to me than being around you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Listen to me, Changbin. I'm the reason my parents died when I was young. I'm also the reason Felix died from that accident. I care about you, so I want you to save yourself from me. Stop associating yourself with me before anything similar happens to you too. Just let me be and—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"—and let you lead yourself to your destruction? I won't let that happen, Hyung. I'm sure Felix wouldn't too if he were in my shoes right now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan bit his lip as tears flowed down his cheeks. He lifted a hand to wipe away his tears as he looked towards the wall, away from the younger man. "I'm tired, Binnie. I… I just want to rest now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Changbin sighed. He couldn't insist on the matter seeing how distraught the older boy was at the moment. At the same time, he wanted to give Chan the opportunity to take all the rest he needed knowing that his body needed more time to recuperate from the damage brought about by the events of the past week and a half. He adjusted the blanket atop his friend and took his hand.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll let you rest, Hyung, but I just need to say this to you now before you drift off to sleep. I don't know what you're thinking about yourself, but just because other people like your stepparents and stepbrother can't see your worth, doesn't mean you have to believe their judgment on that matter. I may have only known you for six months, but I've never been so sure of anything before: that you're worth it and you deserve to be happy." He paused to give his hand a squeeze. "I'm pretty sure wherever Felix is now, he feels the same way about you too."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chan's soft sobs broke Changbin's heart, but he had to keep going. He might as well do so now while the older one was listening to his words. He could only hope that he learned to believe them as well.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix saved your life because he saw in you the same thing that I'm seeing in you. If you throw it all away now, then where's the sense in Felix's death? What's the use of the sacrifice he's done for you if you don't pay him with a life well-lived?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He leaned forward and pulled the older boy in an embrace, that latter's sobs muffled through the younger's chest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't throw it all away, Hyung. There's so much more you have left to give – and receive – if only you'd give yourself the chance to heal. Had the roles been reversed, and you sacrificed yourself for Felix and ended up losing your life, you wouldn't want him to give up too, would you?"</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"What the heck?" Chan asked frustratedly as he shut the door behind him and stepped into the corridor outside Changbin's hospital room.</p><p>The way Chan spat out those words over the phone made Jisung flinch as though he was being targeted with a flick to the forehead even though he knew his team leader was far away from him. "That's what Manager Lee said… I'm just relaying his message…"</p><p>Chan sighed. "I know. Sorry, Sungie. I'm not mad at <em>you</em>. I just—" Another sigh. "HR already told me I could take the day off. Do you know why Manager Lee wants me in today? It's already 1pm. More than half the day is already over."</p><p>He couldn't help but question whether Felix actually <em>needed</em> him in the office. The last time they talked – which was a rare occasion in and of itself – things didn't end too well. On normal days, they didn't even really talk to each other, and Felix treated him as though he wasn't there. Why was he insisting for Chan to come to work on the one day he actually can't? Somehow he felt like Felix was taking their personal squabble to the professional setting, and couldn't help but assume that this was just the younger man's way of making his life more difficult than it already is.</p><p>"I know more than half the day is already done," Jisung explained, "but I've been trying to reach you all morning but wasn't able to connect until now. Manager Lee told me earlier to keep trying."</p><p>Chan let out a deep breath in response.</p><p>"He wanted you to come in for the Sierra project," Jisung continued as he made a few clicks on his computer. "He said you promised to get that done first thing this morning."</p><p>"I gave him the slides for review last night!" Chan exclaimed. "Worst case scenario, he can just do some of the revisions himself or ask someone from the team to make those changes. I'm not coming in today. I don't want to leave Changbin alone in case he needs me when he wakes up."</p><p>"I-I know—"</p><p>Chan could hear some ruffling coming from the other end of the line and a familiar low voice seemingly directed at Jisung asking if Chan was on the line. He sighed.</p><p>"Give me the phone," Chan could hear his boss from hell say, followed by some more rustling. "Chan."</p><p>"Manager Lee," the older male greeted back with a roll of his eyes. He didn't want to act this way, but he was tired. He was sleepy. He was stressed out beyond wits end about his situation with Felix <em>and</em> Changbin's health scare. The last thing he needed right now was to deal with his boss who insisted he came in for something that can be taken care of in his absence. While Chan had been nothing but patient and understanding with Felix this whole time as the latter treated him almost like dirt, today was not the day he had the patience to deal with his disrespect. He was going to fight for what he thought was right, especially given the fact that it had to do with his availability for his recovering best friend. Besides, he already had HR's backing. What more did Felix want? Veto power?</p><p>"You need to come in today."</p><p>"I can't, Manager Lee," he insisted as well, his voice firm. "I already worked this out with HR this morning and they told me I can take today off."</p><p>"From what I understood, HR will back you up so long as your absence does not affect your responsibilities at work. What about the Sierra project that <em>you </em>are in charge of and that <em>you </em>promised last night <em>you'd</em> take care of today?"</p><p>"Have <em>you</em> reviewed it already?" Chan shot back.</p><p>"How can I review something that hasn't been sent my way?" Felix asked back incredulously as he sent Hyunjin and Seungmin a look as though asking, <em>'Can you believe this guy?!'</em> The two employees looked at each other skeptically. They couldn't help but listen to Felix's side of the conversation – definitely less subtly than Jisung – from the opposite side of the work station.</p><p>Chan took a deep breath to compose himself before responding. "I checked my work email on my phone and confirmed in my sent items: I sent it to you last night at 11:43pm. The ball is currently on your court and has been with you this whole time."</p><p>Chan couldn't see, but his teammates saw Felix's jaw drop slightly.</p><p>"Have you checked your email, Manager Lee?" Chan asked. "Or were you too preoccupied by my absence and trying to get me into work this morning that you neglected checking your own email and doing your own work?"</p><p>Felix cleared his throat awkwardly. He didn't like the tone Chan used on him, but well… what could he say? "I'll look again."</p><p>"Revisions should be minimal because I took into account as much of the objective comments you made about the slides last night before our meeting took a turn for the worse. If you have any further changes, please just send it to someone from the team and they'll get it taken care of for you. In case you missed it this morning too, I think I left the hard copies of the references on your desk last night."</p><p>The blonde man remained silent but remained on the line, searching his thoughts for a comeback but was coming up empty. Chan was a little feisty today and a little too brave seeing how he was behind a phone and not in front of him. It kind of caught him off guard. It was a stark difference Felix noticed, and he couldn't help but wonder whether Chan only acted timid and earnest in front of him just to gain his trust and favor back. Was this his real color? The real attitude that bubbled up within him that he tried to cover up around Felix? He shook his head as he thought about how much sleep he'd lost after last night's conversation. How could he have been so stupid to almost fall for his antics again last night? He was glad he didn't cave into his curiosity and remained skeptical of Chan this entire time. He almost could have fallen for Chan's pretense once again had he let his guard down for just a split second.</p><p>A smirk formed on Felix's lips. He wasn't going to let this conversation end with the older man winning. He already had the final say last night. That wasn't happening today.</p><p>"By the way," the younger man spoke as he glanced at Jisung who tried to pretend to go back to work but was miserably failing. "Since you check your work emails on your phone—"</p><p>"I am <em>not</em> able to work today, Manager Lee," the older man said defiantly.</p><p>"Hear me out," Felix responded. "I was just going to say that since you are able to check your work emails on your phone, I suppose I'd give you a courtesy heads up that HR will be emailing you soon if they haven't already. Completely unrelated from your time off today and your work-from-home set-up."</p><p>Chan raised a brow. "What is it about? Would you happen to know?"</p><p>Felix smiled behind the phone and threw a look over at the employee sitting next to him. "Oh, you know. Just about matters concerning you and a certain supervisee's living conditions."</p><p>Jisung looked up at Felix with eyes as wide as saucers.</p><p>"That would motivate you to check your work email today despite your day off, right, Chan?" Felix taunted. "You don't want Han Jisung to deal with this matter on his own, do you?"</p><p>Chan sighed, knowing Felix may have something to do with this supposed issue. "Is this about the fact that Jisung and I live in the same apartment? Manager Lee, HR knows about that. They gave us the okay provided we signed some paperwork. We guaranteed confidentiality regarding work-related matters, and we do not discuss work at home at all."</p><p>"That arrangement may have been acceptable under Miroh Homes' management, but may I remind you, Chan, that under Clé Estates, different rules apply. Under <em>my</em> clock and <em>my</em> management, you cannot get away with such an unprofessional set-up."</p><p>"Are you seriously discussing this out in the open right now at Jisung's desk for everyone else to hear?"</p><p>"Why are you so concerned, Chan? Are you embarrassed for your shortcomings as a leader?"</p><p>"Confidential employee information should not be discussed openly in public spaces within the office," the older man shot back. "As manager, shouldn't you know better than that? Who's being unprofessional now?"</p><p>"Your team knows that Jisung lives with you, don't they? Or should I add that as grounds for concern about your situation?"</p><p>"They know!"</p><p>"And they're okay with it?" Felix challenged. "They're okay with the fact that you're putting the least senior team member at such an unfair advantage with you?" He looked at Hyunjin and Seungmin. "I highly doubt they're completely okay with it."</p><p>"Look." Chan exasperatedly said as he massaged his temple. "What do you want from me? What do you want me to do? I'm not kicking one of my best friends out of my apartment just to please someone who doesn't even seem to have a heart."</p><p>Felix shrugged and tried to ignore the backhanded comment Chan just made, but he couldn't stop himself from fuming. Chan really had some audacity today. All because he was out of sight. "If I'm heartless, you wouldn't have a job by now. But since your observation is inaccurate and I'm nice enough, I'll give you a choice. Your so-called <em>best friend</em>," he muttered lowly to keep his voice from being coated with jealousy, "or your position in this team?"</p><p>"Felix, you can't be serious."</p><p>"Fine. If you don't want to hear it from me, then let's just have HR reiterate the same thing to you later," he nonchalantly waved off.</p><p><em>'I had been nothing but sincere towards you.' </em>Chan's voice once again rang in the back of Felix's mind as he thought of the words he uttered last night before walking away from him.</p><p>"But before we end this call," Felix continued as he spoke on the phone slowly to let his words sting, "given those choices, what would you pick? You're one to talk about sincerity last night but… tell me, Chan. Tell <em>us</em>." He made eye contact with the squirrel-like man next to him who fidgeted uncomfortably as he listened to Felix's side of the conversation. "How <em>sincere</em> is your so-called friendship with Han Jisung?"</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>We got to 100+ kudos. Omg, you guys - thank you!! I cannot reiterate how much that means to me and how much your support and kind words fuel my motivation to keep this story going. I super appreciate you. &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Chapter 9</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: bullying with a minor form of physical violence</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>As he entered the familiar hospital lobby on the first Friday after he had gone back to school, Chris sighed in relief and smiled in contentment. As much as he hated such a sterile and bland place, he knew it deep within: he was home now, and he can finally take a breather.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was the first weekend in his existence that he felt couldn't have come any sooner. The first weekend of his life that he'd been wishing to get to all week long. That wasn't normal. That wasn't right. Then again, at this point in time, what was normal? What was right?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>See, Chris had always loved school. In preschool back in Seoul, he liked playing with his classmates and getting star stamps and stickers from his teachers as rewards for his good behavior and class participation. He enjoyed playdough time with the other kids and clean-up time where he observed early signs of his leadership skills. When he got to Sydney, he cherished the social space even when he didn't understand the language. He relished being active with the others in the playground even though he was too clumsy for his own good for having longer-than-normal limbs. He appreciated the engaging atmosphere and delighted in learning not only from his teachers but also from his peers. He loved getting to know the opportunities that abound everywhere, and he reveled in any and every form of human interaction. He was an extrovert at heart, and school was the place that allowed him to blossom into the ambitious little social butterfly that he eventually became.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except… now he didn't want to be a social butterfly anymore. Now he didn't want to be in school anymore.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Now he just wanted to be a recluse. He just wanted to hole himself away in the comfort of that one place he never thought he'd find comforting: the hospital. Right where his best friend was – his best friend who was the only person who perfectly understood, unconditionally loved, and wholeheartedly accepted him with no judgment or assumptions about who he was, what he'd done in the past, and what others said about him. The person who dealt with so much pain in his life – from being treated very strictly by his family at home since he was a child to falling a victim to bullies at school year after year – and yet managed to illuminate other peoples' lives with just one smile. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris often wondered how Felix did it. How he managed to preserve the light within him when the load he was carrying was not light at all. He knew what it was like to be an outsider in your own home – although he never talked to Felix about his own experience with this respect – but he didn't really understand the firsthand struggle Felix had with his bullies. His understanding was limited to that which he can see and hear from the outside, and he knew that was different from what Felix experienced as those shots – both physical and verbal – were being directed at him. Yes, he may have interfered and defended his best friend in many occasions, but he only knew what it was like to be the defender, not the defended. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Until now. Except… Chris didn't really have anyone to defend him. Now he understood what it was like in Felix's shoes as he walked around school as though he had a target on his back.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It started with murmurs and judgmental stares on Monday. People were actually subtle about it, and it made Chris wonder why he got some weird – some repulsive – looks from his peers when there was nothing in his obvious appearance that seemed to have gone wrong. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Clearly people knew about what happened to him and Felix. After all, word got around really quickly in the world of high school, and not being in school for a full week does get the rumor mill starting. But it made him wonder why people even cared. Yes, he may have been a popular student in school due to all his extracurricular participations, but it wasn't like he had a large circle of friends who personally cared about him. As far as he knew, neither did Felix.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wondered if it was the scar on his head. The dark stitches that straddled along his pale skin and blonde hair, calling attention to his hairline as though his face was up there. He shook his head, thinking to himself how ridiculous it was for him to even consider the matter. So what if his stitches were obvious? People knew about the accident anyway. There was no point in hiding the evidence of the incident.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The day went on slowly, but at the end of it, Chris was just glad that he got nothing more than whispered voices and dagger looks sent his way. But that was Monday, and Tuesday was a new day. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Tuesday was the day his peers learned to be bolder around him, some of whom approached him throughout the day to bombard him with countless questions about his participation in the accident that involved him and Felix. Apparently, they were waiting for some sort of confirmation or denial from him, and when that did not come – given that he chose to quietly go through the normal routine of his day while trying to catch up to all the schoolwork he missed – people started to act more openly in the way they ridiculed him.</em>
</p><p><em>Chan didn't know what they knew about the accident, but the more he was confronted with questions and rude remarks, the more he began to see that there may have been multiple versions of the story going around. Some of the questions, he didn't even know how to answer. Someone asked him at lunch if he bothered visiting Felix in the hospital, the answer to which was a no-brainer (like seriously, how could he </em>not<em> visit Felix?), while later in the day someone asked him how satisfying it was to end the talent show evening in such a grand way. </em></p><p>
  <em>Tuesday ended with his heart heavy, his psyche smeared by the endless questions he received about his participation in the accident that led to Felix's coma. But Wednesday was a new day, and while he felt uncomfortable with the way people pried into his private affairs at school, he hoped that those things would die down, so he went in and faced his discomfort head-on anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rumors spread across the school like wildfire, and by Wednesday people were calling him names to his face. Names he never dared to use even on his worst enemy – not that he had any – and names with which he couldn't fathom the ways in which he became associated.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Someone called him an ingrate. Another called him a sore loser. A student he once worked with in the library called him a criminal. They all came from one of the many rumors regarding the accident that happened that fateful night of the talent show. It was a story that couldn't be further away from the truth, yet it was the story that everyone in the school knew and believed in. Probably because of the 'juicy drama factor,' he heard a senior student say at the cafeteria during lunch.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>People claimed that they knew what happened behind Felix's accident. That they heard Chris and Felix arguing after the talent show because they did not win. That they heard the way Felix blamed Chris for their loss, and that Chris' patience with the younger student had worn thin, thus escalating their verbal spat into a full-blown fight. That the two of them took their argument on their way home, and in the end, when Chris couldn't take it anymore, he just decided to shove Felix into an oncoming car just to shut him up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>People talked amongst themselves, saying that Felix was to blame in all of this and he only got what he deserved for pushing Chris' buttons in all the wrong ways. Yet at the same time, they chided Chris for being impatient, ill-tempered, and – dreadfully – violent for doing what he apparently had done to the younger one.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris tried to fight back, denying that any argument or act of violence ever existed. To students who claimed that they were witnesses, he challenged them in return, asking why they'd done nothing to help the situation if they were indeed present during the so-called argument. They could have broken off the fight. They could have reported the incident to the police then and there and have gotten Chris arrested. They could have called emergency services if they have seen Felix's lifeless form after being 'shoved into a speeding car by Chris,' as they declared. But why didn't they? Because no such thing happened and they weren't there.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still no one listened. "Of course, you'd wash your hands clean of this," one student berated him as she threw a water bottle towards his direction during lunch time. Other bigger students shoved him towards the lockers whenever they saw him in the hallway, knowing that Chris was not the type of person to fight back. They took advantage of the fact that if Chris reacted, then that would have only proved that he had a tendency to fight his battles with brute force, which is what people believed he used on Felix.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>At the end of the day, he didn't get the chance to defend himself or give his side of the story. Not that he wanted to at this point because he truly felt like it was a lost cause. What was the point of explaining what truly happened when people had already made up their minds about what they wanted to believe in? What was the point when everyone had already condemned him for the false accusations thrown his way?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everyone who once believed in him no longer trusted him. Everyone who knew his character were strangers to him now. Everyone who knew his moral capabilities as a student and as a human being all of a sudden looked at him with condemning eyes. It was as though his presence in the school that week was in itself incriminating enough to prove what they falsely believed in: that Chris was the catalyst for Felix's downfall.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Wednesday ended with his heart smashed into pieces, his reputation smeared by the falsities that spread about him. But Thursday was a new day, and while he felt he didn't have it in him to go to school and face everyone and their judgements of him, he mustered up the courage to do so because he knew he had to anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Advanced physics was his favorite class since he excelled at the subject. Everyone knew it and acknowledged it, and there was even a time when a lot of his classmates wanted to be paired up with him in projects knowing that he was going to be able to explain the mechanics of the topic to them and come up with the best ideas for what needed to be done. But not today.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Today, a student flat-out refused to work with him and asked if the teacher could shuffle the pairings. The request was denied, but she asked around the classroom discreetly to see if anyone wanted to trade places with her and every single student she approached had refused her. She went back to the teacher in desperation, and the teacher told her that they had to pair up for this project or they'd get a failing grade. The student stormed out and said she'd rather fail the class than work with 'a spiteful human being.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>During PE, a group of students played basketball on one side of the court and 'accidentally' hit him on the back of his head even though he was situated by the bleachers, where the ball was not even supposed to be. They apologized lightly as they ran after the ball, but the fact that it happened for a second and third time, this time their fake apologies followed by small chuckles, made Chris realize that their actions were intentional.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thursday ended with his heart numbed towards nothingness, his face smeared by tears he somehow couldn't keep from falling as he treaded his way home. But Friday was a new day, and while he wanted nothing more than to just stay in the comfort of Felix's presence at the hospital, he knew he had responsibilities as a student, and so he gathered whatever strength he had left in him and prepared for school anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Students continued to vilify him, but he no longer had the energy to fight back or stand up for himself. While students did everything in their power to show him that he didn't belong there anymore, teachers turned a blind eye and did nothing about what they saw. Chris was hoping someone would at least listen to him, but it seemed to him as though both teachers and students alike have accepted the same assumptions that no one even dared confirm with the parties involved in the incident.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Those who used to be Felix's bullies were now Chris's bullies, and Chris for a moment wanted to laugh bitterly at himself for ever wondering how Felix managed to maintain his self-preservation while dealing day in and day out with those same kids. Now he no longer had to wonder. Now he got to live that kind of life. Except he wasn't sure he could manage to preserve his sanity as gracefully as his young freckled friend did.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>All of a sudden, those who used to hurt Felix emotionally and physically now cared about him. All of a sudden, they were on Felix's side and they were 'willing' to give Chris the beating that he deserved because of what he had done to the freckled boy. Chris never doubted those bullies' ability to get out of situations after managing to deliver an attack to their victims (seeing how they still have not been expelled after everything they've done to Felix), but he definitely doubted the concern they spoke of for the younger boy. They didn't target Chris because they wanted revenge for Felix; they preyed on the blonde-haired boy because he was the easy target now – the once-popular boy who seemed to be unable to do no wrong that had turned everyone else against him by what they all assumed were his own actions. The boy who was, at this moment, easy to kick further down because, well… he was pretty much on his way to the bottom of the food chain anyway.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris didn't fight back when he was confronted by them, knowing doing so was futile with there being no one willing to come to his aid as he stood against the four school athletes. But he couldn't help but let out the breath he held as they walked past him and simply warned him that his day was coming, but it was not today. Truth be told, part of him just wished for them to end it right there – to give him the blow they kept warning him about and just get it over with – but part of him was grateful that he had more time unscathed so he could continue visiting Felix after school without worrying about any injuries that would prevent him to do so.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>So when he was passing by a seemingly deserted covered court from one class to another and was hit by a tennis ball on the neck, just to the right side of his throat, he was caught off guard. The impact caused him to tumble, the textbook that rested on his arm falling to the floor before he collided with the cement, as his vision spun out of control before temporarily turning black.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He woke up in what he thought was a matter of seconds, partly confused by the fact that he was lying on the cold hard ground, before the pain on his neck reminded him of what brought him there in the first place. He got up to a sitting position, hoping to find his assaulter lurking around the area, but he didn't find anyone. Other students would have walked by the area to other classes as well, but no one bothered to check on him to see if he was completely knocked out or even still alive. Now it was quiet, with all the students already in their classrooms, ready for the last class of the day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With a sigh, he gathered his things, and as soon as his vision was stable enough, he got himself out of the ground and made his way towards the closest bathroom. Truth be told, he couldn't move his next or head without feeling like it would come off from the pain, but there wasn't much he could do. He couldn't just sit there until the pain subsided – that could take a few days. His neck felt sore to the touch, and he knew that the tenderness he felt was marking the beginnings of what would become a bruise. With a makeshift cold compress in mind, he pulled out some paper towels and turned the sink on to the coldest water temperature. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Before he could even press the cold towel against his skin, the bathroom door opened and revealed his younger brother, an ice pack and a small towel in hand. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jeongin looked around to see if anyone else was there with them, and upon realizing that they were alone, he tentatively called on his brother, extending the hand with the ice pack towards Chris as soon as he turned around to face him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris looked at him with confusion. This was new. He and Jeongin never really interacted in school. Besides, wasn't he supposed to be in class?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's a good thing the clinic is just next door," the younger teenager said. "I sneaked an ice pack out for you so you could use it on your neck."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris looked at him in surprise, unsure as to whether the shock came from the fact that Jeongin knew what happened or the fact that Jeongin went out of his way to help him. "Y-you saw what happened?" he rasped out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jeongin nodded, a certain streak of sadness visible in his eyes. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The older boy brought the ice pack to his neck and winced at the frigid item making contact with his already purple skin. "Did you see who did it?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger boy broke eye contact and instead brought his gaze to the ground. "Mom told me to stay out of trouble so… this is probably the only thing I can do for you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris suppressed a sigh from escaping his lips. Jeongin didn't need to directly answer his question; judging by his response, Chris already knew.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If you file a complaint, you'll need a witness," Jeongin continued. "And I… I don't want them to come after me too, Hyung. You know Dad and Mom will not like it if I get involved."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His words came through like a slap on the face. It almost felt like a greater assault than the physical one he had just received. With his tennis ball assaulter, at least he knew where he stood. He was hated and that was why he was targeted. With Jeongin? He wasn't so sure. It was like Jeongin telling him, 'I saw who hurt you, but my loyalty is not with you so I cannot disclose that information to you' or 'I'll be a brother to you but only in the dark when no one else can see.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Somehow that hurt him more than the orb that knocked him out. At least with his physical injury, he knew there was a way to take away the pain. With Jeongin's words? No ice pack or neck brace would take away the pain that came with the emotional injury that had been inflicted on him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris shook his head as he blinked back his tears. What was he expecting anyway? His relationship with Jeongin had been like this for a really long time now. Nothing was going to change; not when it's this late in the game. If Jeongin did not want anything to do with him when his reputation was clean, what more now that it was tainted? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He would have nodded in understanding had his neck allowed him to, but given his limited mobility, he simply sighed. "Thanks for the ice pack anyway."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Awkward silence filled the air as the younger one stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans. He looked as though he wanted to say or do something, but he evidently was battling against himself as he hesitated. "I, um… I need to go to class now but… are you okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wasn't sure what to say. He wanted to nod in assurance so Jeongin could go back to his normal schedule and attend his class, but he couldn't bring himself to. His heart was already broken from the way things turned out this past week. Jeongin – his own brother – just walked right up to him, and while Chris thought he was there to save the day, to alleviate his pain in at least the smallest of ways, he simply stomped on the broken shards of Chris' heart further. How can he say he's okay when he's not? He cannot correct the rumor founded on lies with the truth because no one would listen to him… but the one time someone actually tried to listen to him now, he had to conceal the truth with a lie? It seemed so unfair.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll be fine," he whispered in response, as he turned back around and headed to the other end of the bathroom. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Jeongin had gone back out without so much a goodbye, and Chris was left alone to nurse the bruise on his neck and the wounds of his broken heart, crying quietly out to himself inside a cubicle instead of attending his math class.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>If there's anything Chan prided himself with, it was his loyalty and sincerity towards the people who meant the most to him: people he considered to be his real friends.</p><p>See, Chan was picky with his friends. While he was an extrovert who naturally gravitated towards surrounding himself with other people, he actually had only a select few that he considered to be the special gems in his life. That was true back in high school. That was true to this day. People in his life whom he considered friends were far and between, but that was because he knew the lengths by which he was willing to go for someone special enough for him to consider as one.</p><p>Friends, to him, were his world. Best friends, to him, were like family. After all, he didn't quite have a real one he could consider his own ever since he set foot in Seoul. Changbin and Jisung – they were Chan's family. Although they entered Chan's life a few years apart, both of them held a special place in Chan's heart. Both of them were true to him from the very beginning, and they both treated him more like a person than the people he once called his own family.</p><p>Between the two, Chan knew Changbin longer. He'd been through thick and thin with him for much longer and under more extreme circumstances, but that didn't mean Jisung meant less to Chan than Changbin did. In fact, he and their group's youngest had connected instantly from the very beginning, and the kind of rapport they had with each other not just at work but also outside of work, especially during their songwriting sessions, was remarkable – even from Changbin's point of view.</p><p>Chan mentored them in all the little ways he could, especially being the eldest of the group. But they also supported Chan in all his endeavors and encouraged him in whatever it was that he wanted to pursue. In a way, their trio reminded Chan a lot of his dynamic with Felix because the love he had for the younger Australian was akin to what he felt for the younger Koreans he also considered his brothers. And just as he did with Felix back then, Chan was more than willing to put his friends' needs in front of his and give everything that he had if doing so led to the betterment of his little brothers.</p><p>So when Felix questioned his credibility as a friend and the sincerity of his friendship with Jisung – the same way he challenged Chan's sincerity towards Felix himself – Chan felt as though he was being accused of a crime he did not commit.</p><p>
  <em>"Your so-called best friend or your position in this team? Tell me, Chan. Tell us. How sincere is your so-called friendship with Han Jisung?"</em>
</p><p>No words managed to escape his lips as soon as Felix verbalized that question. Perhaps out of frustration that his sincerity was once again being questioned. Perhaps out of shock that he was literally being made to choose between his job and his best friend. Perhaps out of annoyance that Felix was bringing Jisung into the mess that was meant only for the two Australians.</p><p>Chan understood that Felix was mad at him. And quite frankly, after all that he'd been through in the past, he knew that whatever it was that Felix threw his way, he had the strength, patience, and capacity to endure all of it. He'd already expected hurtful words and painful accusations, and those were things that indeed Felix used to justify his anger. Heck, if Felix walked up to him and punched him in the face, Chan would have gladly accept it. He was willing to go through all of those if doing so allowed Felix to relieve himself of all the pain and anger that had been living in his chest for the past eight years.</p><p>Felix was like a little brother to Chan no matter how long they've spent their lives apart and how much their realities were disconnected from each other now. And just as it was with Changbin and Jisung, to Chan, Felix's needs came before his. If Felix needed to get things off his chest, Chan would gladly take them even if they hurt. That was how much he loved his little brother.</p><p>But when another person who meant a lot to him got dragged unnecessarily into the conversation, that was when Chan was ready to draw the line.</p><p>Jisung did not need to be a part of this conversation. Why was Felix putting him at the center of their deathmatch? Chan was willing to endure everything by himself. He was willing to extend his patience with Felix. But dragging Jisung into their spat just because he can was something Chan was not okay with.</p><p>Felix taunted them during that phone call, berating Chan for even being surprised that he was asked to choose. He even went so far as telling Jisung during that phone call that based on his own experience with the older man, there was a 90% chance that Chan would choose his own personal gain over the friendship that allowed their current set up to stand against the new company's policy.</p><p>Chan hated it. But he also knew he was not in a position to argue. Felix ran things the best way he saw fit. Although his current job title was merely that of a department manager, he technically owned the company and he can implement whatever the heck he wanted to as long as the company didn't end up breaking any laws. Even if that meant making Chan's life a living hell.</p><p>Felix always had the last word, not just in his dealings with Chan but also on decisions made regarding their team and department. He wanted to be hands-on with the content creation team in Chan's absence, so that's what happened. He wanted daily check-ins with Chan while he worked remotely to ensure that he was actually doing work while not being physically in the office, so that's what happened. He wanted Jisung and Chan had to cease living under the same roof if they both wanted to keep their jobs, so – much to Chan's dismay – that's what happened.</p><p>What frustrated him the most was that he did not have a say in the way their situation evolved. Before he could even argue with Felix on the phone that day, Jisung had already spoken in the background, clearly directing his statement at their boss when he declared that he'd move out… as long as Felix left Chan alone.</p><p>Chan was livid. While he was thankful that the younger man cared about him as much as he did, this wasn't a battle he was supposed to be fighting. This was all between Chan and Felix. None of this should be affecting Jisung or any of their teammates.</p><p>But Jisung had made up his mind, and there was no way Chan could convince him otherwise. By the time they met up in Changbin's hospital room at the end of the day, Jisung had already firmly resolved to start packing up his belongings and move out as soon as possible.</p><p>"This isn't fair to you, Jisung," Chan lamented as he ran a hand through his curls.</p><p>"Neither is it fair to you," the younger man countered. "I'm not going to make you choose between me and your job. This job feeds you and keeps you afloat. All I can do is write lyrics to music you produce."</p><p>"Sungie, you know that's not true."</p><p>"I know you love Felix like a brother, Hyung," Changbin said from the bed as he ate the light dinner the hospital provided, "but am I allowed to say he's an ass?"</p><p>Chan sighed. He wanted to reprimand the lyricist, but he was honestly getting to a point where he wanted to agree.</p><p>"I mean, don't get me wrong… I see where he's coming from when it comes to a legal standpoint," he continued. "But he totally could have expressed his concerns about the situation without blackmailing you."</p><p>"Don't worry about it, Hyungs," Jisung said with a smile. "The sooner I get this taken care of, the sooner Manager Lee will get off Chan Hyung's back."</p><p>"I'm going to echo Hyung here," Changbin declared. "You know that's not true, Sungie. He's been on Chan Hyung's back since his magical return from the dead. One sacrificial move on your end is not going to appease his anger and change the way he sees Chan Hyung."</p><p>Jisung sat on the edge of Changbin's bed. "I'm just trying to be positive here. I know that realistically speaking, things are not going to change overnight between Manager Lee and Chan Hyung." He looked at the oldest male in the room. "But at least this will be one less thing he could bring up against you."</p><p>"I'm so sorry about all of this," Chan said with a sigh. "He should have left you out of this."</p><p>"You've already apologized countless times today, Hyung. What do I need to do to convince you that it's okay?"</p><p>"It's not okay."</p><p>"It is," he insisted. "It truly is. Heck, I won't be able to flash you my dazzling quokka smile if I weren't okay."</p><p>Chan couldn't help but let out a small smile at that remark. "Maybe if I talk to him—"</p><p>"You'll talk to him and what, Hyung?" Jisung challenged. "You'll quit? Even if you give your notice, I'm still going to move out."</p><p>"But—"</p><p>"It's about time, Hyung. I really should be looking for my own place now. You might as well keep your job."</p><p>Chan sighed in defeat. "Did Felix talk to you outside of that phone conversation we had?"</p><p>The youngest shook his head. "Nothing apart from work-related stuff."</p><p>"Were Seungmin and Hyunjin in front of you when it all happened?"</p><p>"Yeah," he confirmed. "I kind of wish Manager Lee chose a different time and place for that kind of conversation rather than having it in front of them. I mean, you know I like them in general and even consider them friends outside of work, but… it was a little humiliating being placed in that position in front of them. I felt bad for them too because they didn't know how they were supposed to react."</p><p>Chan grumbled. He hated that his conflict with Felix was affecting more people now.</p><p>Jisung stood up to approach his Hyung. "I talked to them already. We're all good. Please don't worry too much, Hyung."</p><p>"I can't not worry, Sungie," Chan said. "This isn't supposed to be happening. What's between us should remain between us and not involve or affect you or the team. Besides, he only gave you a couple days to change your permanent address on file. That means you need to find a new apartment within those next couple of days. How are we—"</p><p>"I know it's in your nature to worry about all these things, but it'll be fine," he reassured as he placed his hands on the Australian's tense shoulders and gave them a squeeze. "I'll start packing up when I get home tonight. The weekend's coming up soon, and I'm hoping by then I'll have all my things ready. Seungmin offered the guest room in his condo unit to me until at least I could sign a lease for my own apartment."</p><p>"But—"</p><p>"The policy does not say anything about employees of the same level who do not manage each other. Seungmin and I confirmed this with HR earlier, so moving to his place temporarily should not affect either of our standing with the company."</p><p>Changbin hated seeing the stress that wracked his older friend's psyche and body. Running on no sleep after panicking over his emergency hospitalization and now dealing with such a mess at work – he wished there was something he could to do to take away some of the burden Chan carried right now.</p><p>"I also started browsing for studio apartments in the area during my commute here," Jisung added. "I found some promising options that I can visit over the weekend, so I'm sure I'll find a new place in no time. Don't worry too much, Hyung. I mean, in all honesty, this was long overdue. My stay with you was supposed to be temporary too back then."</p><p>"Until we decided that it makes sense for 3racha to be living together considering how we tend to pull all-nighters when working on our music anyway," Changbin was quick to add. "Sungie, you still have to be up for weekend sleepovers at our place for those songwriting sessions. Just because you're moving out, doesn't mean 3racha is over."</p><p>"Oh, no one touches 3racha," the youngest declared. "Not even Manager Lee. He may be intimidating as the boss, but he's not an authority figure outside of work to dictate on other things like 3racha. Right, Hyung?"</p><p>Chan offered a weak smile and a small nod. Oh, how he wished Felix's actions – or mere existence – did not affect him the way they did. If only he could detach himself from his emotions. If only he could keep his mind off his broken relationship with the younger man he once considered his brother. Everything would have been so much easier for him.</p><p>The following day came and Changbin was discharged from the hospital. Chan was also technically back to work, albeit remotely and with a later start and end time compared to his normal working hours.</p><p>Jisung moved out of their apartment the day after. Chan was glad he had both work and caregiver duties to keep his mind preoccupied because otherwise, he would have found himself wallowing in the guilt of effectively kicking Jisung out of his apartment – the one thing he told Felix he wasn't going to do.</p><p>The two weeks of working remotely had gone faster than Chan was expecting. As Changbin promised, he spent most of his time either resting up or staying put in one corner of their apartment, so Chan managed to do a lot more work during the day than he had expected.</p><p>He was glad that that was the case because with his physical absence from the office came Felix's assumptions that he didn't have enough work to keep him busy during the day. Even though each morning started with a check-in between the two of them and Chan giving him updates on the work he essentially had been drowning in ever since he started working remotely, Felix kept piling more and more duties on Chan as though he had no regard for the latter's concerns and longer work hours (he also started doing some work in the evenings so that he didn't feel bad for stepping away from his laptop during the daytime if he had to).</p><p>By the end of those two weeks, Chan was more exhausted with work than he's ever been.</p><p>Part of him wondered why he even put up with this. Why he didn't just start looking for a different job where he wouldn't have a boss who'd put in the effort of making his life miserable just because they had an unresolved issue from the past that neither of them could seem to put behind them. But every time the thought started creeping into his consciousness, he reminded himself of the promise he made to himself when he first saw Felix alive and found out that he was going to be his new boss: that he was going to stick around for as long as it took to rekindle the brotherhood he once had with the younger Aussie. He didn't care what it took or how long it took. He was going to work hard and be patient with Felix until the latter gave him the opportunity to make up for lost time. That's what he wanted to do, and deep inside, he knew that that's what he <em>needed</em> to do.</p><p>So he extended his patience and tried to be as gracious as he can towards the younger one. After all, no matter how shitty Felix got with him, he still couldn't change the fact that once upon a time, he owed the temperamental man his own life.</p><p>That didn't change the fact, though, that with each passing day, the harder it was for him to try to get through to the younger man and the less he believed there was a chance he and Felix could ever see each other eye to eye.</p><p>There was a time when Felix at least tried to keep his animosity towards the older man to himself when they were around other people, but as time went on, he became more and more comfortable showing his true colors even when their coworkers were around. Needless to say, the telephone incident at Jisung's desk was not the last time Hyunjin and Seungmin witnessed the manager's cold treatment towards their team lead.</p><p>That was why everyone was on edge the first day that Chan was back in office. If Felix was brave enough to put Chan in uncomfortable situations when the latter was working from home, what was he going to do now that they were once again face-to-face in the office?</p><p>They knew Chan: he'd never disrespect Felix in an outright manner especially when others were around. He'd never put the team in such an awkward position; if anything, he'd been the one breaking the tension for them whenever their team calls fell awkward due to the department manager's snide remarks towards the team lead.</p><p>But that was exactly the same problem. They knew Chan: his respect for Felix and his soft spot for the man he used to treat like a brother was going to keep him from drawing the line and telling the younger man when enough was enough or when he was going overboard.</p><p>While they admittedly did not know Felix as well as they knew Chan, the team unanimously agreed that they wouldn't put it past the younger man to use his more superior position to make Chan's life more difficult. It seemed to have already been in his agenda for the past couple of weeks considering the amount of work he gave directly to Chan rather than spreading them out to the team for others to help out with.</p><p>As they sat in the meeting room that Monday morning facing each other, Hyunjin couldn't help but glance between the two men. He'd always been very perceptive when it came to social settings, and he was always the first one to notice when the tension in the conversation was about to increase. Somehow, right now, that wasn't the case yet, and he took the opportunity to wash his sleepiness away in this moment of calm with the cup of coffee he had at hand.</p><p>"I need to delegate a new task to you, Chan," the manager spoke up after everyone in the room had given their status updates on the projects they've been working on and determined the items that needed to be accomplished during the week.</p><p>"Me?" the older man choked out a response as he lifted his gaze to meet that of his boss.</p><p>"Yes, you," Felix confirmed as he scanned the notes he had on his laptop screen. "HR is expecting us to have a department retreat – a team building day of sorts, and I want you to gather the other team leads in our department and work with them to put together an agenda and make all the necessary arrangements for it."</p><p>"Manager Lee," Hyunjin spoke up before clearing his throat. "Team Leader's plate is full. Didn't you give him two new projects just this past Friday?"</p><p>"And didn't he say he can take them on with no problem?" Felix looked at the older man. "Isn't that right, Chan?"</p><p>"Um—"</p><p>"He said he can take those on, not knowing that you'd have him plan an entire event," Seungmin interjected.</p><p>Felix looked ahead calmly, not showing his underlings how bothered he was at the fact that the team members were the ones objecting on behalf of the team leader. "Are you unable to do it, Chan?" he asked straightforwardly. "This isn't happening until late September. You have a month and a half. Is that still not doable for you?"</p><p>Chan scrolled through his calendar before looking back up. "I think having that much time to plan it all out can be feasible. Plus I'll working with other team leads anyway, so it shouldn't be too burdensome." He looked at his teammates. "Don't worry, guys."</p><p>"Good," Felix said as he refocused on the notes ahead of him, ignoring the soft grumble that came out of one of the other men in the room. "I don't want anything too fancy. We can just rent some space that will fit our entire department… maybe the social hall on the 60th floor of the building might even work. We just need it for a full day, preferably a Saturday so that no one loses a day's worth of work, and we just need a couple of team building exercises planned out to fill the day along with a full program."</p><p>"Got it," Chan said as he wrote down notes on his laptop.</p><p>"If you have any questions, we can discuss those separately so we don't waste everyone else's time. Does that sound fair?"</p><p>Chan's team members all wanted to say no on his behalf but they all kept quiet as soon as Chan nodded and agreed. They all loved Chan like a brother, and they all knew he was perfectly capable of doing what Felix was doing right now – with the role of a boss. So why was he being slammed with work from all directions, some of which weren't even his duties? Some of which were below or above his pay grade? And why was Chan agreeing to all of it as though he had nothing in the world to do?</p><p>Jisung knew from experience how bad Chan's sleeping habits were, and deep inside he wondered how this new level of busy was going to keep his hyung up even later in the night trying to finish the tasks assigned to him. He didn't want Chan to overwork himself… but what could he do when Chan took upon himself the role of a self-sacrificing workaholic just to please his ex-best friend who no longer gave him at least the respect that he deserved?</p><p>"Our last agenda for this meeting today is something I've been considering that I want to bring up with you all," Felix spoke, pulling the team's attention back to work. "I've worked closely with everyone in this team the past two weeks in Chan's absence, and I got to see the ways in which you all thrive in what you do. Generally speaking, you all have been trained really well, and I feel like you have the capacity to grow further into your respective roles."</p><p>It came as a relief that Felix had good things to say about the team members. They have not expected such encouraging words to come from the manager considering how quick he was to criticize Chan in front of all of them and how stoic he was on a daily basis. Nevertheless, it was a pleasant surprise.</p><p>"But that also got me thinking about whether or not the current structure of the team is conducive to your personal growth, or if it, in a way, hinders it."</p><p>"What do you mean?" Chan asked.</p><p>"Well, right now I noticed that you're all cross-trained on everything. Everyone does a little bit of this and that, although it is clear that each of you have your preferences in the type of work that you want to do. As you know, with Miroh's merge with Clé Estates, this office is now part of a much larger company, and with that comes growth in the business and the need for a much bigger content creation team than just the four of you."</p><p>"Are you adding more members to our team, Manager Lee?" Hyunjin inquired, his brows furrowed together in curiosity.</p><p>"Well, that's one way to think of it. But you could also think of it in the opposite direction: you guys being absorbed by the Clé headquarters' marketing department and working for a much larger base than just this office, although that's more of a long-term plan and definitely is not happening anytime soon given the amount of transition that that will require."</p><p>Everyone waited for the manager to continue.</p><p>"For now, what I'm thinking is to slowly segregate your duties and have you specialize in what it is that you actually want your career to focus on. Rather than you all being considered content specialists – which I find to be a rather vague term – I'd like you all to grow in your respective areas of specialty. Obviously, this isn't set in stone yet, but based on conversations I've had with each you the past two weeks, some of which touched on how you'd like your careers to grow in the future, I imagine it can be something along the lines of Hyunjin being our web developer and SEO go-to, Seungmin being our multimedia developer, and Jisung being writer or editor for our various outlets."</p><p>"What about Chan Hyu—erm, Team Leader Chan?" Jisung asked.</p><p>"Oh. Hm," Felix paused. "Well, Chan likes being in crowds and events. I suppose he could be the department's representative in our special firm-sponsored events and help the admin team set up for all these events. In a way, he could be the marketing annex to the admin department."</p><p>Chan's face paled. Was Felix blatantly trying to get him kicked out of his own department in front of his own teammates?</p><p>"That doesn't make any sense," Seungmin reacted.</p><p>"Why does it sound like you're encouraging growth for everyone <em>except</em> for Chan?" Hyunjin asked at the same time.</p><p>"Do you know anything about this?" Jisung asked Chan who simply shook his head. "Is this what you wanted?"</p><p>"Okay, wait," Felix said as he lifted both hands to stop the murmurs in the room. "That was just a thought, and that's why I wanted to discuss with you guys."</p><p>"You cannot send Team Leader back to the admin department," Jisung added. "That's where he came from before being promoted to this department. He wanted something more specialized and that's why he worked hard to get a position in marketing. Admins do very important stuff in this office, but given Chan's career trajectory, sending him back to that team is essentially a demotion."</p><p>"I didn't know," Felix said with a shrug. "Is that how you feel, Chan? I just thought since you're extroverted and the admins deal more with person-to-person interactions, that might be the best fit for you."</p><p>"There are way more extroverted things that are fitting for him <em>within</em> our department," Seungmin spoke. "You shouldn't have to look too far unless you're purposely trying to do <em>something</em>."</p><p>The manager ignored the quiet man's snarky remark.</p><p>"Besides, we need Chan in marketing," Hyunjin added. "He's the only one who takes care of English-Korean translations."</p><p>Felix raised a brow. "I can do some translations too."</p><p>"Your Korean isn't even good," Seungmin snidely muttered, prompting a chuckle from Hyunjin and an elbow to his side coming from the eldest man in the room.</p><p>"With all due respect, Manager Lee," Chan finally spoke, his voice leveled and his expression far from his usual warm and friendly demeanor. "This team is one of the company's highest performing teams because its members are good at what they do and are compatible with each other. The model we currently work with allows for us to help each other out and to take over in the absence of another team member to ensure that work does not get disrupted when someone takes time off. Specialization is good, and I'm all for encouraging everyone's growth, but you need to be strategic about it. If you only have one person doing one type of thing, what happens when that person is out on vacation for, say, two weeks? How will anyone take over if only one person knows of the duties relating directly to that aspect of our department?"</p><p>"I personally like the idea of being able to call myself a multimedia developer since that’s in line with my interests," Seungmin added, "but I don't want that title if the team suffers because of a poor model. If it isn't too much to ask, Manager Lee, I'd like to actually be free from work on days that I'm taking off, and with your proposed temporary model – the one we'll be having before we get 'absorbed' by the headquarters' marketing department – it sounds like I won't have any peace of mind on my days off for fear that urgent requests regarding matters that only I can deal with could come up while I am gone. I don't want to be on call when I'm on my day off."</p><p>"I agree with Seungmin," Hyunjin said. "That isn't what we signed up for. Besides, I like the team that we have right now too. Our group's brainstorming sessions allow us to learn more about other aspects of content creation from whoever actually takes on those other tasks. Plus, with the current structure of the team, we do have the ability to take on items we're most interested in anyway, which is essentially like specializing on our own fields of interest… all without closing the doors on other types of content that can provide us with other opportunities and learning experiences. And like Seungmin said, it is generally a relief to know that if anything goes wrong, you'll have back-up."</p><p>"It also helps to have someone to turn to when you're stuck somewhere or when a project assigned to you is taking longer than expected," Jisung interjected. "More often than not, when that happens, we end up revisiting our priorities and reassigning projects to a different team member to ensure deadlines are met even with the delays, and having us segregate our duties takes away that option, and that just sounds more stressful than it needs to be."</p><p>"Okay," Felix said with a nod and a long pause. "I'm glad you all spoke your minds about the matter. Like I said, this is still under consideration at the moment and there is no definitive answer yet as to whether or not we're actually moving towards this type of structure. Depending on how my conversations with the headquarters' marketing department goes, we may have to continue moving along with this, but of course your opinions will need to be addressed as part of the discussion. No other office does it this way, as far as I know, but if they find some merit in it, they may want us to pilot this type of model."</p><p>"So… you were the one who came up with that idea?" Seungmin asked, to which Felix nodded. "And you're essentially proposing to break our team apart even though nothing is wrong with the way it currently is?"</p><p>"Your concerns are valid, Seungmin, and that's why I wanted to get your opinion on it. Hearing about your concerns can only prompt more conversations about the matter and from there, hopefully we can come up with possible solutions."</p><p>Hyunjin fixed his gaze on the table, while Jisung's face remained crestfallen.</p><p>"But one thing that I do want to tell you is that transition always comes with challenges," Felix continued. "If you want to actually grow as professionals, you'll have to break out of your comfort zone and be willing to try things that, as Hyunjin said, you didn't sign up for in the beginning. You can't want something for yourself but not be willing to endure the hardships that come with the growth."</p><p>"It's not that we're not willing to go out of our comfort zone," Hyunjin remarked. "All we ask is for this uncomfortable zone to have a well-thought-out structure that would allow us to grow in other areas as well rather than pigeonhole us into something just because we think that's all we're interested in. All we ask is for this structure to allow us to draw a line between work and personal life because if professional growth entails burnout, your people might not stay long enough to reach their growth potential."</p><p>"And Team Leader cannot be sent back to his old department unless he specifically asks for it," Seungmin added. The rest of the men nodded.</p><p>"Noted. Like I said, there's more to come regarding this. For now, we'll operate the same way we have since that already works well for the team. We can table this topic for a later meeting if anyone has more to say about it or if anything else comes up regarding the team's structure. How does that sound?"</p><p>They all nodded in agreement, and soon after their meeting was adjourned. The team members stood from their seats and gathered their belongings, filing out of the conference room with their laptops one by one.</p><p>Felix prepared to leave as well, but he noticed that although Chan was no longer seated, he remained in the same spot and looked as though his mind was occupied with something important.</p><p>Unbeknownst to him, Chan purposely tried to move about slowly in hopes that he and Felix would be left in the room to discuss one last matter before going back to work. He didn't want to confront Felix, but he felt like he owed it at least to himself to stand his ground and ask the younger man what his motives were. He didn't like entertaining hunches – especially when they implied a negative assumption about another person – but something told him that Felix was trying to underhandedly ruin him in any way that he can, even if it meant taking the team down along for the ride.</p><p>As soon as they were left alone in the room, he made eye contact with the blonde man, waiting until he was sure he had the latter's undivided attention before opening his mouth to speak. "Can we talk, Manager Lee?"</p><p>Felix shrugged before turning around to fully face him. "We already are. About what?"</p><p>Chan moved away from his spot to close the door before moving back to his side of the table. "Look, I know we're not okay on a personal level and I accept that. But… that idea you proposed to the group – what exactly are you trying to do?"</p><p>He raised a brow. "My job?"</p><p>"—which is to take our team apart?" Chan asked back.</p><p>"—which is to think about what's best for the employees," Felix countered.</p><p>Chan took a deep breath before responding. "Look. The more I work with you, the more I learn about you, Manager Lee. I know you can't stand me. I know you don't want me around. I can take your insults and your harsh criticism of me, but I'm asking you… <em>please.</em> Leave the team out of this."</p><p>"Out of what, Chan?" he feigned ignorance. "I honestly don't know what you're talking about."</p><p>"Two weeks ago, it was Jisung. Now it's the entire team. If you have problems with me, dish it out on me. Leave my team members alone."</p><p>"What happened with Jisung… don't take that personally—"</p><p>"I get that it's company policy now and I understand your misgivings about our previous setup. I really do. But the way you handled the situation – on the phone, in broad daylight where everyone can hear what's going on – I mean… Jisung is too intimidated to tell you, but he confided in me that same evening that he wished you could have handled the issue with more confidentiality."</p><p>"I thought it was a non-issue because your team members all know about it."</p><p>"Even then," Chan argued. "Out of respect, it shouldn't have happened right in front of them."</p><p>"Okay. I'll keep that in mind."</p><p>The older man sighed. "And now the team structure…"</p><p>"Like I said, that's not final."</p><p>"What brought that on? Because as far as I can recall, I don't think I've been part of any of those conversations you said you had with each of us about where we'd like to take our careers."</p><p>Felix looked away and cleared his throat. "Erhm… we haven't had a chance to discuss that during our phone calls."</p><p>"So you just decided by yourself that shipping me back to my old department is the best course of action," Chan concluded.</p><p>"I didn't know—"</p><p>"—You have my file!" he countered. "Whatever happened to looking out for what's best for your employees?"</p><p>"Let me ask you that same question, then, Mr. Team Leader," the younger man challenged back, fury building up beneath the sharp gaze that he directed at brunette. "We both know your team members are each looking for a specific type of content to specialize in. Giving them the opportunity to explore that option will allow them to grow in their chosen area. Why are you so against it?"</p><p>"You heard Hyunjin when he said he didn't want to be pigeonholed into something he's not sure of yet. Why are you forcing it?"</p><p>"I'm not forcing it," he defended as he moved around and distanced himself from the team leader. "I told you it will be under consideration, but in no means does that guarantee that it's happening."</p><p>Chan shook his head. "So you're still considering it even though the entire team is against it?"</p><p>"They are not against it," the younger one corrected. "They have misgivings, which I will try to address."</p><p>A look of disbelief crossed the older male's features, and he shook his head at the manager as he collected his thoughts. "If you want me out of this team or out of your department, I wish you would just tell me. You don't have to have this elaborate plan delivered in the guise of allowing the team members' growth when they clearly told you that doing so is only going to make their work life more difficult for them."</p><p>"It's not a guise, Chan. Maybe you should take yourself out of the situation and look at it objectively from an outsider's point of view and realize how selfish you sound right now."</p><p>"<em>Selfish?!"</em></p><p>"Having your team members explore the area of specialization they are interested in is good for them. Don't hold them back from that opportunity just because allowing them to venture out in their respective fields puts you back into the admin department."</p><p>Chan couldn't help but let out a laugh of disbelief. "I'm sorry – what?"</p><p>"If it makes you feel better, we can discuss other options for you and see where you'd like to take that career of yours."</p><p>"That's not even—wow. My potential demotion back to the admin department isn't even what I'm upset about! You just don't get it, do you?"</p><p>"It's just the two of us here, Chan. You can be honest with me."</p><p>"I <em>am</em> being honest—"</p><p>"We both know all about your selfish tendencies. I mean… you may be in denial about it and all that, but I'm sure you know how selfish you really are."</p><p>If there was anything Chan had learned in the past couple of weeks, it was the ability to mask the pain that he felt in his chest every time Felix accused him of something. Yes, he'd been expecting the younger man to remain mad at him and to hurl verbal insults his every chance he could get, but that didn't mean it hurt Chan any less. "Is that all you can do? Pull up the past and throw some shade on who I used to be when you don't even know anything about how much has happened and changed in me since then?"</p><p>The other man looked at him from the opposite end of the table. "You know, I vaguely remember you telling me during my first day of work that you're still the same old guy I used to hang out with in high school," he noted curiously. "That's why you wanted to be friends again, right? Or at least that was the alibi you used to try to bait me back into your trap again. What is it, Chan? Have you changed since then or have you not? You're confusing me a little."</p><p>"Does it matter?" The pain in his chest escalated at the thought of baring his emotions out to the younger man, but he knew that he had to do it at some point. Maybe today was the day it all had to happen. "If I tell you that I'm the same old Chris that you knew from Sydney – the guy who believed in everything you were and everything that you could be – you'd look me in the eye and call me a liar. If I tell you that a lot of things have happened since then that changed who I am – even though my affection for you as a brother is the only thing that remains the same – you'd spit on my face and call me insincere." He laughed humorlessly. "There's no winning with you. It doesn't matter what I have to say because you've already decided how you'd like to think of me. It doesn't matter what I have to say because to you I'm just Chris – the guy who owes you his life but left you behind. The guy who's forever indebted to you who doesn't deserve anything from you."</p><p>"You're right," Felix answered back almost instantaneously. "I don't owe you anything because you don't deserve anything more from me. And yet here I am, wasting my time listening to you."</p><p>"I'm talking to you as an employee, not as someone from your past. Like I said earlier, I get where I stand with you, and I am not going to force you to talk to me about that past if you don't want to. But you're the department manager. You're my supervisor. And while you don't owe me anything as someone you once considered your friend, you owe me the truth regarding the decisions you make that directly impact the team that I lead."</p><p>Felix once again broke his eye contact with the older man and paced around at the small space at his side of the table. He was not going to let Chan know that this team restructuring idea actually stemmed from his desire to get rid of the older man from his life. Chan had always been smart, even back in high school. He'd always been clever and he'd always been able to see the bullshit behind the lies that surrounded him. He just didn't expect the older man to see through his plans this early in the game.</p><p>Come to think of it, perhaps having such a strong perception for such kinds of deception was what allowed him to have Felix at the palm of his hand back then. He'd learned from others and employed their ways seamlessly into his own, making himself convincing enough to those he wanted to trap with his own bait. The thought alone made Felix seethe deep inside as he laughed bitterly to himself for falling prey.</p><p>"You don't get to tell me what to do," the younger Australian finally muttered. "You're technically still under me. There's a reason I'm in this position and you're not."</p><p>"Because your family owns the company—"</p><p>"Because I worked my ass off to be where I am now," he firmly corrected as he looked back at him with fire in his eyes. "I didn't have a life like yours, Chan. I've never had things handed to me on a silver platter."</p><p>"You think my life is full of silver platters?" Chan asked incredulously as he crossed to the adjacent side of the table from where he stood to get closer to the younger man. "You <em>honestly </em>think that I've had everything handed to me on a silver platter?" A humorless laugh escaped his lips before he turned serious. "You don't know what I've gone through."</p><p>"Whatever it is you have gone through, you wouldn't have even experienced any of it if not for me," Felix grumbled through gritted teeth.</p><p>"And that's why I acknowledge that I owe you my life, don't I?" Chan said. "Didn't I just say that?"</p><p>"Then do me a favor and get out of my life!"</p><p>He tried to be civil and professional. He tried to be a good manager despite the inner turmoil he had in relation to Chan, but now that the words came tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them, he knew there was no turning back. It felt good to say out loud, but it didn't feel quite as good the moment he saw the pain that turned his former best friend's eyes glassy.</p><p>Didn’t Chan ask for it earlier? The kind of honesty that would just hit him in the face with the truth that he wanted him out of his life? He just gave him what he wanted. So why was there so much pain in his eyes now and why was that pain reflecting back and causing Felix's own chest to ache?</p><p>"It was actually nice when you worked from home," he admitted, this time his voice a little more subdued than it was during his outburst. "It was nice not having to see you around here."</p><p>"F-Felix…"</p><p>"I need to move on, <em>Chris</em>," he said in a voice so low that it contrasted heavily with the manner in which he verbalized his one request from the older man a mere two seconds ago. "Having you around here is making it impossible. If you truly acknowledge that you owe me your life, give me this one thing."</p><p>Chan walked closer to him. "You really think me getting out of your life is the solution to your problems? That the anger you're harboring in there will disappear the moment I disappear too? Felix, that is not how this all works. As long as you carry all of that resentment in your chest, you're always going to be miserable."</p><p>Felix walked further away from him. "I was fine before we met."</p><p>"You were fine <em>on the surface,</em>" the older man corrected as he followed him. "Deep within you know you weren't."</p><p>He scoffed. "You don't know anything about me."</p><p>"I <em>know</em> so because I am the same way, Lix," he exclaimed as he threw his arms up in the air in defeat. He let out a deep, stuttered breath. "You accused me of living a life of pretense throughout high school? Felix, my high school days with you were the realest I've ever been in my life. For the past eight years, I've been living a life of pretense – convincing myself that I was okay even though it killed me every day that you had to sacrifice yourself just so I could live!"</p><p>"It was a choice that you had made for yourself," the younger man apathetically muttered as he backed away. "It was your choice to live that way just as it was your choice to leave Sydney."</p><p>"The same way that it is your choice to live miserably when I'm around," Chan countered, closing the distance between them. Desperately, he took hold of Felix's closest arm as though doing so can convince him of what he wanted to say. "It doesn't have to be that way, Lix. I'm still here. I'm still your hyung—"</p><p>He pulled his arm away. "You are not my hyung—"</p><p>"—If only you'd give me a chance to explain, maybe you could learn to forgive—"</p><p>"How dare you ask for my forgiveness!" Felix raised his voice as he shoved the other man back down to the closest seat. Rage prompted him to raise a shaky index finger up to his face as he leant forward threateningly, so close that Chan could see the embers of pain wrapped by the darkness of anger that was slowly being masked by the pool of tears that threatened to fall from the younger man's eyes. "You don't have a right to ask that from me. You don't have a right to ask <em>anything</em> from me."</p><p>"F-Felix…"</p><p>"You don't know what it's like, Chris. You don't know what it's like to wake up one day learning that a month of your life had already come and gone without you even getting the chance to live it. You don't know what it's like to wake up and be told that the one person you wanted there by your side – the one person who actually motivated you to wake back up again… who was the reason you were even in that situation – was already gone. That the one person who's ever been there for you in any and every situation – the one person in your life whom you thought you could turn to and rely on when it mattered the most – had already left you behind."</p><p>"I-I—" Chan felt the sting of his own tears as he listened to the anguish in his friend's voice. It pained him to know how much Felix hurt, but it pained him even more to know that he was the one who caused it all.</p><p>Felix backed away, the shakiness in his entire body translating to his words. Tears threatened to fall down his cheeks, but he was too preoccupied with his emotions to even notice. "Do you know how painful it is, Chris? Do you know how painful it is to find out that the one person in the entire planet in your entire life who cheered you on, who trusted you, who <em>believed</em> in you with everything he had – to find out that he had given up on you?"</p><p>He wanted to answer, but he couldn't find the voice in him to confirm that yes, he actually knew what that felt like. He actually knew what it was like to be broken and all alone. That was what he felt when Jeongin turned his back on him. When his parents abandoned him. That's what he felt every day in the office whenever Felix looked at him with spite and rejected him.</p><p>Felix was the one person who accepted him unconditionally. He was the one person who used to look him in the eye with nothing but admiration, care, and love. Now all he could see in them were bitterness, fury, and hatred. And once again, the pain of being abandoned felt all too real and raw in his chest – just as it did eight years ago when he found his world turning upside down in a country he didn't know.</p><p>"You're telling me you thought I was dead? That you mourned for me? If you truly did, then why have you never gone back home to at least come find my supposed grave and pay your respects to me? If you truly felt like you owed me your life, you would have done at least that. But did you?" He shook his head. "You didn't even bother."</p><p>"I-I didn't—"</p><p>"If you really, truly cared, you would have done that, Chris. And if you did go back home, then you would have known right then and there that you've been living a lie…" Tears streamed down his face and his voice cracked with all his suppressed emotions. For once, he didn't even care. "...and you would have known then and there that someone was actually waiting for you. You would have known then and there how much…" He choked in a sob. "…how much I actually needed you."</p><p>"Lix, I'm so, so sorry."</p><p>"I waited for you like an idiot, Chris. I had placed all my faith in you, trusting that one day you'd show up and tell me everything would be okay even though it seemed otherwise. Y'know, just like you always did when we were in school. I held on to the promise you made to me back then that no matter what happened you'd never leave me behind. That anytime I needed you, I can come find you and you'd be there. You were the only person who ever assured me of that, and I thought I could rely on your word because you always told me you meant <em>everything</em> you said to me. But you never showed up. You never came back for me. I even slipped notes into your old locker like a fool hoping that maybe somehow you'd get them and see how desperate I was. In the end, I was still all alone."</p><p>"Felix," Chan called as he grabbed the younger man's arms. "Please believe me. I didn't want to leave you like that. I-I promise I tried—"</p><p>The younger man pushed him off and wiped his tears off his face. "Stop making promises, Chris. I don't believe in empty words anymore."</p><p>"B-but—"</p><p>"Don't." He held a hand up before turning to face the wall. He took a deep breath and dried his eyes, waiting for time to pass until his breath evened out and he felt like he could face his former best friend again. As soon as he had regained his composure, he turned back around and walked past the older man, making a beeline to the table to pick up his belongings. "I'm telling you all of this so you know and understand why I am asking you for this one thing."</p><p>"Felix, I can't—"</p><p>"You were good at making choices back then. You didn't hesitate to leave when things got difficult… even when it meant breaking promises and leaving behind someone supposedly important to you. I'm going to ask you to make the same choice now."</p><p>Chan looked at him tearfully. "I can't. Give me a chance to explain—"</p><p>"I don't owe you anything, Chris. Not even a chance to explain why you chose to hurt someone you supposedly considered a brother. It doesn't surprise me anymore. You managed to hurt Jeongin – your own brother. You managed to leave him alone. I'm not surprised you managed to do the same thing to me."</p><p>"That's not—"</p><p>"If you truly care for me like you say you do, if you don't want me to relive that pain over and over again every single time we encounter each other, then do me a favor and get the hell out of my life. If I need to beg you, I will. Just get out of my life." With his laptop and notebook on hand, he headed to the door, taking one last look at the tearfully distraught older man, his grip on the knob deathly tight as he uttered his last words before opening the door. "Just a piece of advice: If you truly care about the guys in your team and you don't like anyone else being affected by the direct consequences of your actions and decisions, then maybe the best contribution you could give to your team right now is your resignation. Think about it."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Whew! Ok - a couple things…</p><p>1. Thank you so much to all of you who left me comments in the last chapter. They were all such a joy to read and respond to (even though it took me forever to get back to you all - sorry about that!), and I really can't reiterate just how much super-charged energy you give me!  </p><p>2. In Felix's defense, I do want to point out that some employers (at least where I'm from) do have restrictions regarding whether or not their employees can live in the same household as other employees, especially if one is a direct supervisee of the other. It probably depends on the situation, geographic location, line of work, and other factors, but it is a thing, so Felix wasn't being unprofessional for bringing it up especially if their parent company enforces such a rule. Now the way in which he went about it… that's a different story, and that part I won't condone. I tried to clarify that in this chapter too, but I just wanted to clear that part a little here too. :)</p><p>3. The only reason I have something to publish this weekend is because I had more than half of this chapter written back in January. Every year, this time of the year is just always extremely busy for me, and 2021 is unfortunately not an exception. I know some of you are really counting on my post schedule, so I just want to be honest with you and openly admit that life is truly eating up my regular writing hours at the moment, and I don't think I can maintain having ~13,000 words written every two weeks right now. That said, I will continue to write this fic, but I ask for your patience while I try to get through my less-than-ideal schedule. It will be difficult for me to find the time to write for the next couple of weeks, but I promise I'll try; I just can't promise I can post something worthy of your time every two weeks. I hope you understand.</p><p>Again, thank you for all the comments, kudos, bookmarks, subscriptions, and views. I truly appreciate them all and I will see you in a couple weeks when I finish writing the next chapter. Stay safe and have a great Valentine's Day in Chan's Room later! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Chapter 10</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>One month later... I am back to give you another dose of angst with my longest chapter yet. :)</p><p>TW: mentions of bullying</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Chan knew he was not a quitter. But at this very moment, he was pretty sure he was ready to give up.</p><p>That's what he felt like as he avoided his teammates the rest of the day, knowing that their fate in the company depended, in part, on him and his decision on whether or not to stay.</p><p>That's what he felt when he realized that today was the first day he was commuting home by himself without Jisung by his side to distract him from his own thoughts since the younger man now lived on the other side of town.</p><p>That's what he felt like as he looked out the window, the scenes outside merely passing through his sight while his mind was preoccupied by what happened in the conference room earlier that morning when Felix personally asked him to disappear from his life.</p><p>He felt so many things, but at the same time, Chan didn't know what to feel. He wanted to be thankful that he finally saw more than just Felix's usual apathy today, but every time he recalled the emotions that mirrored his own in the younger man's eyes – the pain of longing, desperation, and the after-effects of abandonment – he wanted to undo the entire day and unsee all of it. Unhear all of it. Un-feel all of the emotions that filled his chest.</p><p>He knew that he promised himself that he was going to fix his relationship with Felix, but knowing what he knew now – that his mere presence inflicts unnecessary pain on the younger man who simply wanted nothing but to move on with his life – Chan had to wonder if he was still making the right decision by staying.</p><p>He wanted to stay to give their friendship a chance. So he could explain to him. So he could make up for lost time. So he could show Felix that he still saw him as a little brother. But what if making room for the possibility of all that entailed pain for that same person he was trying to be there for? Wasn't it just plain selfishness on his part?</p><p>Chan knew he owed Felix a lot of things, but what if more space than he can currently give was one of those things that he just hadn't acknowledged yet? What if Felix needed more than just physical distance from him in the office? What if leaving things the way they were was the only way for his best friend's broken heart to heal? After all, don't they say that time heals all wounds? Maybe distance too, and the lack of a reminder of the things he had done (or not done) that caused Felix's heart to break in the first place.</p><p>Chan always felt relief wash over him every time he saw Felix in the flesh. It's been a month and a half now since he found out that Felix was alive, and every morning when he saw the freckled man in the office, he always still muttered a prayer of gratitude that he was indeed well. It took more than just a few personal encounters with the freckled man to undo eight years' worth of self-resentment for not being there for his best friend until he passed away, and seeing Felix in the flesh, in a way, was what healed Chan little by little, even though he knew he had a long way to go in order to get their relationship back to the way it used to be.</p><p>But the opposite was true for Felix. That much, he learned today. While being present in Felix's life was the one thing that Chan needed to ease his emotional burdens, widening the distance was Felix's elixir, and given that that was the case, only one of them can win in this situation.</p><p>Unfortunately for Chan, he knew deep within that his best friend's healing mattered more to him than his own. He'd lived with pain all this time anyway. What's a couple years more? If anything, at least he knew Felix was alive. That was all that mattered anyway, right?</p><p>He came into work the following day with a somber mood, the smile that usually greeted his teammates in the morning absent from his demeanor. He kept to himself most of the day, avoiding Felix like a plague and not interacting even with his team members as much as he usually did.</p><p>When Hyunjin noticed that something was different, Chan reassured him that it was nothing. When Jisung approached him to ask why he was very aloof, he wore a smile on his face and told him his lack of sleep was just catching up to him. When Seungmin checked up on him after realizing that Chan skipped his lunch and had not joined them in the kitchen for their daily unofficial mid-morning five-minute coffee break, the older male simply said he had a lot of work to finish today.</p><p>He took advantage of his short conversations with each of his teammates, trying to see if any of them could replace him in an event scheduled for tomorrow – one that entailed coming with Felix to a prospective client's site to see if a deal can be closed between their company and Clé Estates.</p><p>After yesterday, Chan just wanted to make things as easy for Felix as possible. If avoiding being in the same room as him was the way to go, he was going to try to make it happen. At least until he got to a point where he no longer worked for the younger man's own company.</p><p>Unfortunately, all of his teammates were unable to give in to his request.</p><p>"I'm still a little behind on the project that was supposedly due yesterday," Jisung lamented. "I'll need time tomorrow to wrap it up, Hyung."</p><p>"The client-facing team on my project specifically requested for me since I'm already familiar with this client, Hyung," Hyunjin added. "Even if we trade places and I go to that meeting in your place, you'd have to learn everything about how particular this client is, and that will put us behind our timeline."</p><p>"Didn't we establish in yesterday's meeting with Manager Lee that you were the best person in the team to go, Hyung?" Seungmin asked as he referred to their team's schedule this week, which they drafted at yesterday's meeting. "What happened?"</p><p>Chan bit his lip. He'd be damned if he ended up blurting out to his team what happened. "Nothing…" he said with a small shrug. "I-I was just wondering since I have a bunch of work piled up on my plate too," he lied as he looked away. Yes, he was busy, but he was never the type of employee to complain about being busy or try to relieve himself of some of his workload to focus on others. He was the type who always somehow made it work.</p><p>"Is it Manager Lee?" Seungmin questioned as his expression hardened. "Did he say something to you again?"</p><p>It made Chan's heart swell to see how defensive Seungmin was when it came to him. He never asked for such a treatment from the younger man, but somehow it just felt nice to be cared for rather than be stepped on. "No," he denied. "I was curious. That's all. I wanted to see if any of you wanted that opportunity."</p><p>"I'm open to getting that experience too, but timing is just really bad this week," Hyunjin offered while Jisung nodded in agreement. "Maybe next time?"</p><p>"Of course," Chan replied with a close-lipped smile, knowing that they wouldn't have much of a choice next time. By the time one of these kinds of meetings gets added to the calendar, he surely would be gone from this company and his team will have to figure out for themselves who should go.</p><p>Obviously, he didn't want to say that out loud. He didn't want them to know about his inner conundrum and neither did he want them to sway his decision on the matter in either direction. His team mattered to him. These people were his friends even outside of work. But what mattered the most right now was Felix. He was his best friend – his brother, even – despite everything.</p><p>Besides, he knew his team. They got along well and they're good at what they do. He didn't have as much reservations about leaving them behind. He knew they'd be able to handle his departure well since they all had very flexible capabilities and a top-notch work ethic. He had no doubt in them. They'll probably grumble when they find out, but they'll be able to move on.</p><p>That evening, he drafted his letter of resignation. It was surprisingly easy to write, given that he was brief and straight to the point and did not need to include any specific details regarding his personal reasons for giving his notice. He read it once and twice, made a couple tweaks, and now it sat in his computer waiting to be sent out.</p><p>"Are you a hundred percent sure about this, Hyung?"</p><p>Changbin's voice was soft, but the tone he spoke with screamed of concern. Chan watched as the younger male moved closer to him on the living room, eyes fixated on the screen ahead.</p><p>"I mean… I get that you have to do this for Felix but… what about you?"</p><p>Chan shrugged, and the younger man tsked in response.</p><p>"I know you have to do this for Felix, but… Hyung, you have to think of yourself too."</p><p>The older one smiled reassuringly. "It'll be fine. I'll be fine."</p><p>"I just want to make sure you're not making rash decisions based on a series of emotional conversations."</p><p>"I know. And I fully understand that sending in this letter does not guarantee his forgiveness either."</p><p>"Which you're not even supposed to be asking from him," he shot back instantaneously. "I don't get it, Hyung. You're just as much a victim here as he was. Why do you have to carry the blame in all of it?"</p><p>"Who else will?" he asked back. "My stepparents? What does this all matter to them? I doubt they even remember me at this point—"</p><p>"It's just not fair—"</p><p>"Besides… I was the reason he got hit by a car back then in the first place. No matter what happened after that incident, no one can change that one fact."</p><p>"But Hyung—"</p><p>"I love Felix like a brother, Binnie. Just like you," he said with a wistful smile. "If letting go is the only way to demonstrate that love, even though it hurts me, then so be it. I'd rather bear the pain than be the cause of it."</p><p>"But doing this won't really undo anything. Think about it, Hyung, please."</p><p>"I will," he reassured with a smile and a small pat on the younger man's shoulder. "I'd like to get a couple job applications out first, anyway. I'm not going to be a burden to you while trying to lift off the weight off Felix—"</p><p>"That's not what I mean," he deadpanned, the expression on his face giving away the pain he felt for Chan even alluding to that being Changbin's main concern.</p><p>"I know. I know you genuinely care about me. You always have after all these years." Chan smiled. "I know that's not what you mean. Nonetheless, I just want to assure you, Binnie, that I'm not going to disadvantage you in the process of making things better with Felix. You <em>are</em> my best friend too, and I want you to know that just because I choose Felix over myself doesn't necessarily mean I'm choosing to better his life in a way that will disadvantage you."</p><p>"I know I told you to think about this…" Changbin started but smirked lightly. "But I swear you overthink some things too."</p><p>Chan chuckled at that. It was the first time he let out the smallest of laughs since the incident with Felix the day before.</p><p>"Just know that I'm here for you if you need anything, okay? I'll be your constant support and sounding board and whatever else you need… Just please don't try to deal with all of this all by yourself."</p><p>"Thank you, Bin," Chan whispered with a small sniffle as he tried to blink away the tears the stung his eyes. "You don't know how much that means to me right now."</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>When Chris walked into Felix's hospital room sporting a large bruise on his neck, Felix was – needless to say – worried. He had so many questions: when, where, why, how… but his limited ability in his current state prevented him from directly finding the answers to the many questions that plagued him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He hovered around the older boy, incessantly pacing next to him as though trying to survey what else is different with his best friend today while he listened to him talk about his day. Chris was never really one to gossip about others in school, so Felix wasn't surprised that Chris almost never talked about anyone else during the daily afternoon tales he spoke to him about when he arrived from school. Instead, he talked about things he learned in literature, or the new concepts he picked up from his math or science class. It almost always felt like Felix was getting a free tutoring session from the older boy about things he needed to know for his later years in high school, and Chris' passion for learning made his comments about them never boring. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except… today he couldn't bring himself to pay attention to what Chris was saying. His eyes kept going back to that purplish hue that screamed from beneath the collar of Chris' jacket. His mind kept alerting him that something was different – something was off – even though he couldn't pinpoint exactly what it was other than the seemingly painful mark that his best friend clearly was trying but failing to ignore. It looked like it hurt a lot, and Chris' little winces at every movement that involved his neck had not gone amiss. Felix also noticed that Chris kept tugging at his jacket, pulling the zipper all the way up to cover the exposed skin above his shirt but subconsciously also pulling it down a few moments later as the warmth in the room caught up to him – only to repeat the process over again when he remembered he had his jacket zipped all the way up for a reason.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Part of him wondered if the bruise was something Chris had gotten during their accident, but he immediately shook his head at the idea. If this was caused by the accident, Felix should have seen it before, especially since he spent countless hours with his best friend in the hospital before the senior student returned to school. Besides, that bruise looked way too fresh for it to have been something he sustained two full weeks ago. It should have been close to healing, if not fully faded, by now, bearing the traces of an ugly mustard color rather than the dark pigment that heavily contrasted against the boy's pale skin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But if it had not come from the accident, then that only meant one thing: that the bruise came from someone or somewhere. And if Felix were being honest with himself, he had a hunch or two about who and where it might have come from. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Was this why he only ever went home to shower and change clothes? Have his parents started dealing with him physically too?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix remembered the harshness of the slap Chris received from his mother the day he woke up from the accident. If she was cruel enough to lay a hand on her son while he was recovering in the hospital, it wouldn't have been impossible for her to lay a hand on him when he was well enough to go back to school.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix stopped pacing and stood in front of his best friend, towering over the latter's seated form as though he was about to give him a scolding. His gaze automatically landed on the contusion, and Felix's stony expression melted into that of compassion before he averted his gaze to survey his friend's countenance. Maybe if he gazed well enough into Chris' eyes, he'll see exactly what was going on behind the scenes. He wanted to slap himself for the silliness of the idea, but he was at a loss. Chris never talked about these things, and Felix felt so left in the dark even though he knew more than Chris thought he knew.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix sat closely in front of Chris and tried to look closely at him. Maybe if he observed well enough, he'd get at least a small hint of hurt or sadness or anger to at least know how Chris was truly doing. He found none. Then again, considering how much he's learned about Chris' struggles in just the past two weeks, he knew Chris was an expert at hiding his emotions, masking them with the same gleeful smile he carried with him today as though the injury he carried with him was not there at all.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If he only knew how hard a time Chris was having at keeping the smile on his face. If he only knew how much Chris wanted to just bury his face on his best friend's free hand and sob his pain out until he had nothing left to give.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris didn't know what it was, but something deep within him told him he can't do that. Something told him he had to be strong. It was the same voice of reason that told him he had to keep talking to his best friend even though he was unconscious: because he somehow believed that Felix, despite being unresponsive, could feel his presence and hear him and get the same energy that emanated from him. For that very reason, he had to keep it all in and show Felix he was alright. That nothing was wrong and his heart did not ail for the kind of love and acceptance only the unconscious boy in front of him could give.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Aside from his concern for Felix, Chris also felt the need to stay strong because he did not want to get anyone's attention. After spending so much time visiting with his best friend in the past two weeks, he'd become familiar with the hospital staff who took care of his best friend during the late afternoons through the following early mornings. They were nice – much nicer and more caring than anyone else he'd personally known both at home and in school – and he knew if he'd been caught crying in front of Felix, they'd approach him with sympathy and concern, ask him what was wrong, and from there trigger the unleashing of the emotions he so desperately needed to keep to himself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was also why, even though normally he took his jacket off as soon as he entered Felix's hospital room, today he didn't because doing so would only reveal the mark on his neck and would be a potential cause of concern for the sympathetic nurses who came in every hour to check on Felix . </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd cried it all out in the bathroom earlier today, anyway. He can be strong and hold it all in now even though his heart all but broke at everything that has happened in the past two weeks. With a deep breath and a great resolve, he pushed his delicate emotions and desperate need for mental and physical rest to the back of his mind while wearing the smile that convinced everyone that his world was far from falling apart. He was here. Right by Felix. He was home. That was all that mattered.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The weekend flew by with Chris spending most of his time in the hospital, as usual. He gave Felix's family their privacy and space whenever they visited, but for the most part, with a change of clothes in his backpack and all of his homework with him, he managed to stay overnight on Friday and went home for a few hours on both Saturday and Sunday for a shower and to get a new set of clothes to bring with him to the hospital for the upcoming week.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Monday afternoon came, but Chris didn't, and Felix was worried beyond reasonable measure.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Granted he'd been worried about Chris ever since Friday afternoon when he saw his new injury, but somehow he just knew something was different today. He stared at the clock impatiently as he waited for his best friend to walk through the door, but it was now early evening and he still wasn't there.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That wasn't normal. Chris always came. Chris was always there.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tried to pass it off with excuses. Maybe Chris – being the social butterfly that he was – ended up catching up with some students after school. Maybe he had to finish up something he needed to turn in; after all he was gone from school for a full week and probably had a lot of catching up to do. Maybe he had to stop by at home first. Maybe he got caught up in traffic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But when Mrs. Lee and Minho had arrived to visit him that early evening, his list of maybes became more worrisome and the anxiety in Felix's chest crept up to higher levels. Chris always got to the hospital before they did. Even after he started going back to school, he always got to Felix even before Minho did. So why was he still not here now?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For the past two weeks, ever since Chris was released from the hospital, he and Felix's family have somewhat established an unspoken drill. Felix's parents would not prevent Chris from seeing his best friend, and he was free to stay as long as he wanted to, but their family time was only for the Lee family, and Chris respected that. Within a week, they fell into a comfortable routine: Chris would come in from school and tell Felix about the stuff he cared to share about the events of the day. He managed to come to the hospital at around the same time during schooldays because he temporarily dropped all his extracurricular activities; that meant he was able to come to the hospital immediately after classes were over. His one-sided conversations with Felix usually lasted long enough until members of the Lee family would arrive for their daily visits, at which point Chris would excuse himself, taking his homework with him to the waiting area outside Felix's room to get enough work done before coming back in again later in the evening to talk about all sorts of random stuff he didn't cover earlier. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A lot of times, Felix fondly listened to Chris' stories. Most weekdays, he spent hours watching Chris do his homework from the corner of the room, wishing to himself that he had superpowers to help the older teenager with his responsibilities so he could catch up on some sleep. Unfortunately, his only superpower at the moment was invisibility, and it tended to feel more like a curse than a blessing since he wanted nothing more than to return things to the way they used to be. He wanted the old normal to replace the new normal, and he wanted it soon.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If their newly established routine was the new normal, though, Chris' tardiness tonight was beyond abnormal, and Felix's anxiety manifested itself in his incessant, impatient foot-tapping on the floor as he listened to his mom and brother talk to him about things he didn’t really care about. While he knew it was common courtesy to look at the people who were talking to him (even though they couldn't see him), he couldn't help but shift his gaze back and forth between the door and the wall clock, looking at those parts of the room more than the people who actually came to visit him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew Chris was older and more responsible. He knew Chris could take care of himself. But something just gnawed at him, and he hated that part of him believed that beneath the mask of happiness and strength, there was something in Chris that just made him somewhat vulnerable. It was that same thing that he never talked to Felix about, and the younger Australian wished there was something he could do to just make the blonde boy open up to him even if it were just in his current state.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A half hour later, Felix finally saw his best friend's blonde curls peek through the window, followed by his face that bore the curious expression that asked whether or not he could enter the room. Upon seeing the shadows of Felix's family members, Chris decided to stay outside and wait, just as he respectfully did every single day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A deep sigh of relief and a small smile escaped Felix's lips, and he immediately took a step to leave the room and be with his best friend, but to his surprise, Minho also appeared to have seen the older boy and headed the same direction that he intended to go. Quietly, he followed his brother even though he knew he should have stayed in the room to continue listening to his mom. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He approached Chris just about as quickly as Minho did and was surprised when Minho took a seat next to the older boy without a word. As far as Felix could tell, the last time the two had exchanged words was the day his mom told Minho to get Chris out of Felix's room. The last time Felix checked, too, Minho was not particularly fond of the blonde pale-faced boy. Why was he here now and what did he have to say?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He waited for one of them to break the silence, but both of them appeared to have been at a loss for words. Felix took a seat next to Chris, and only then – as he was at eye-level with the quiet boy – did he see the beginnings of yet another new bruise forming on Chris' left cheekbone, just underneath the strands of hair that fell to the side of his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Are you okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho's question surprised both Felix and Chris. He was never the type to show concern especially towards someone he'd openly hated since the beginning.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris kept his gaze on the ground, his fingers twiddling anxiously just on top of his lap, as he nodded silently.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung…" Felix called out loud even though he knew no one would hear him. "What's going on?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You know…" Minho resumed, "you don't have to quietly endure all those bullies' actions towards you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If Felix had a heart at this state, it definitely would have dropped out of his chest by now. "B-Bullies?" he repeated shakily as memories of his experiences with his own set of assaulters flooded his mind. He sharply looked at Chris for confirmation, as though the two other boys could see the horror on his face. "Hyung… what bullies?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris blinked away the moisture that began to form in his eyes and offered Minho the smallest of smiles. "It's not in my nature to fight back if I don't have to."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If you don't have to?" Minho scoffed. "They're targeting you out of nowhere. All because of a lie. If you don't consider that reason for you to fight back, then what will?" He got no response, so he continued. "Felix used to tell me you defend him from bullies. I never believed him because… well, I just didn't believe anyone would be brave enough to bully a Lee brother. I never fell prey, y'know? So I just let my own experience cloud my judgment, and I didn't think Felix would become a victim either. You confirm for me now, Chris. Are Felix's stories about you defending him from his bullies real?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He had people from school come after him," he confirmed. "That's actually how we met."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You were one of them?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"No, that's not what I meant—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You defended him?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I–you can say that, I guess."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So you have it in you to fight back against those types of people."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris stayed silent and looked down instead.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If you think Felix was worth fighting back for, then why don't you fight back for yourself?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"There is some truth to what they're accusing me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Chris, you and I both know that you didn't push Felix towards an oncoming car like everyone says."</em>
</p><p><em>"Hyung??" Felix's eyes widened. "They think </em>y-you<em> pushed… </em>m-me<em>?!" That couldn't have been further from the truth. If anything, Felix pulled Chris out of the way.</em></p><p>
  <em>Chris sighed. "But you and I also both know that Felix wouldn't be stuck in that hospital bed right now if he didn't try to save me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So you're just going to let them have their way with you? Treat you like shit and all?" Minho asked incredulously. "They're not even part of the narrative. This is about you and Felix. They're just inserting themselves into the picture to find a reason to turn you into one of their victims. Isn't the truth worth fighting for?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris laughed bitterly. "Trust me, Minho. I tried. But no one listens anyway. They're all so convinced of that rumor. They all talk about it like they saw it with their own eyes. Like they actually witnessed me pushing Felix towards that car. It doesn't matter what I say. They don't even give me a chance to have a say at this point. To them, I'm just a temperamental criminal."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm just saying… if you let them keep doing this to you, there might come a time when you'd be too injured to come and visit Felix. I'm sure all my brother wants right now is for you to continue visiting him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Which is against your liking."</em>
</p><p><em>Minho opened his mouth to agree before pausing to gather his thoughts. "It doesn't matter much what I like or don't like at this point. You're the best friend. You're the person he </em>chose<em> to risk his life for. And nothing will change the fact that we, too, owe you Felix's life."</em></p><p>
  <em>"Not in the same way that I owe him mine," he corrected. "Honestly, I know this will make me sound like an ungrateful brat and all… but maybe things would have been better off if Felix didn't choose to save me. Maybe… maybe if I were the one who got hit by that car, things wouldn't be so complicated right now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix sat next to his best friend, tears flowing down his cheeks as he bit back his emotions upon learning what Chris was going through. "H-how long had this been going on, Hyung? Had it been like this all week last week too? You never talked about any struggles you were going through in school. You always seemed pretty normal whenever you came in. How was I supposed to know that you've been dealing with all of this by yourself too?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix understood Chris. He knew why Chris kept it all to himself. He loved him for it, but he hated him for it at the same time. Why couldn't he just share his grief for once so that he didn't have to carry the burden on his own?</em>
</p><p><em>"Look," his brother spoke. "I don't want to tell you what to do. We're not close enough for me to dictate on that and… between the two of us, you're the older one anyway, so it's not like I have influence over you. I'm just saying </em>you<em> know the truth. They don't. And if you keep letting them treat you that way, then you're also in a way silently agreeing to what they're saying about you. Don't you owe it to Felix to fight for the truth about what actually happened?"</em></p><p>
  <em>"It's not like he's the one people are hating on—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah, but he'll hate that they're hating you for all the wrong reasons," he deadpanned. "Don't get me wrong. I still don't like you. I'm doing this for my brother because if he found out what happened to you today, I'm sure he'd want to talk some sense into you too."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix looked kindly at his brother for the first time in a long time. Maybe he hadn't been giving Minho enough credit all this time. Maybe he was really just bad at showing his concern. The fact that he knew what Felix would have done or wanted to have done in this situation only proved that he was somewhat attentive to his little brother's tendencies. He just never showed it in the right way.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"And I'm not trying to be a superhero or anything, but what would have happened to you earlier if I didn't show up and helped you? You could have fallen down those stairs, and if you did, how would you be able to visit Felix tonight?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It probably wouldn't have gotten to that point…" he silently reasoned out as he subconsciously rubbed on his knee that was still sore from the incident earlier.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They trampled all over you at the top of the staircase during the fire drill, Chris. One careless nudge towards the wrong direction and you would have tumbled down the twenty steps of that staircase down to the landing and seriously injured yourself. Is that what you want?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris bit his lip, unaware that Felix was right by his side staring at him in horror as he found out what actually happened in school today that led to the bruise on his older friend's face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm pretty sure being in crutches with an injury would make walking in general like hell, let alone taking public transportation back and forth between school and the hospital."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris looked up at him. "Well… can I ask you something?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho nodded.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I… I know you said you still don't like me, and that we're not close friends or anything, but… Minho, you're the only one in school who knows the truth."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho looked at him briefly before pulling his gaze away awkwardly, knowing already where the older boy was going with this. "You know what I said earlier about this being all about you and Felix and not anyone else? That no one else should be inserting themselves into the narrative? I meant that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But Minho, you're the only one who could prove to them what the truth is. You're Felix's brother. They'll trust what you say."</em>
</p><p><em>The younger boy shook his head and stood from his seat to end the conversation. "I came to you to give you a piece of advice, Chris. Not to be your savior. What I did for you in school today… that's about the extent of what I can do for you. You have a brother who knows the truth too. He goes to the same school we do. I'm sure he'll be more willing to get involved in this situation than I am seeing that he's </em>your<em> brother. Please don't expect me to insert myself into this mess. I'm sorry, but… we're not even friends."</em></p><p>
  <em>And just like that, he returned to Felix's room, not bothering to look back to see the crestfallen expression that replaced the hopeful look the blonde teenager had donned not too long ago. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix opened his mouth to speak, but he didn't even know where to start. Should he call his brother back out here and give him a piece of his mind, or should he stay put in that same spot and attempt to comfort Chris? He fought against himself, his heart divided between his concern for his best friend and his anger towards his brother before he realized no one could see or hear him anyway so it didn't matter what he did. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the end, he shook his head disapprovingly from where he sat, his gaze sharp enough to drive a hole into the back of his older brother's head if he so willed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He thought he finally saw something good in Minho. Maybe that was too good to be true.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix sat there, fuming with anger while worry gnawed at him. That bruise on Chris' cheekbone – was that from the fire drill incident earlier? That bruise on his neck – he needed to know where it came from. He thought he knew who could have caused it… but now that he knew what Chris was going through in school, he wasn't so sure anymore. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew what it was like in the hands of their school's bullies. He knew what it was like to have to put on a mask of indifference – to clench your jaw and wear a stony expression even though every fiber of your being trembled deep inside – just so they won't eat you alive. So that your own fear doesn't eat you alive. He knew what it was like to pretend to be unaffected even when the words they threw hurt. Even when the punches they threw hurt.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew what it was like to fear for your own self-preservation. Heck, he still lived in that fear right now, although his circumstances are far different at this moment than when he first experienced it. It wasn't a feeling he'd wish on his greatest enemy. It wasn't something he'd ever wish for Chris to experience, although he had a hunch that such a fear had already started materializing in the older boy at this point.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was one thing for Chris to stand up against Felix's bullies and protect him back then. He was a well-respected, well-built student who had his reputation, popularity, and lovable attitude at his disposal, somewhat lifting him up in students' and teachers' eyes to an invisible pedestal. He was well-liked and was untouchable.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But to hear that that same student was the victim now? And all because of… him? Felix couldn't bear the thought of how the world could turn a full hundred and eighty in just a matter of two weeks. He hated even more that he was part of the reason Chris' world had turned upside down. And yet here he was, stuck in the hospital unable to do anything for the same person who did everything for him back when their roles were reversed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix looked at the older male, and he couldn't help but notice the hopelessness and loneliness in his sullen, tired eyes that stared aimlessly at the floor in front of him, unwavering, unblinking as though the scratches it had collected over the years were the only interesting thing he had left to ponder in life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The freckled boy could tell that the blonde was fighting back his tears, but he couldn't quite read what was running through his brain. He wanted to grab his hand and give it the same encouraging squeeze the older one gave him before they took the stage the night of the talent show. He wanted to run to the nurse's station to grab an ice pack to keep his bruise from swelling, the same way Chris attended to his injuries those couple of times the bullies managed to land a punch on him before the older student came to his rescue. He wanted to return the encouraging words the blonde boy used to comfort him with – the ones that immediately came after a much-needed warm hug that, for once, gave Felix a taste of what it meant to be home.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Instead he sat there with his limitations, silently vowing to himself that he would do the one thing he can at the moment: to try to live through his injuries and wake up from his coma so he can go back to school and prove all those rumors wrong. If he can't rely on his own brother to do the right thing, then he'll have to rely on his willpower for now, even though he himself wondered how promising his chances were.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It didn't take long until the door to Felix's room had opened and his mother and brother emerged to leave for the day. Minho knew that he'd still find Chris right where he left him, still dazed from the events of the day. That was why he tried his best to avert his gaze from the blonde boy's direction, fearing that any eye contact would give him false hopes regarding the latter's request not too long ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris remained unmoving from his spot, giving the family the space they needed. He didn't even move an inch even when Felix's mother and brother had taken the elevators. He was just so tired of everything. He didn't even bother doing his homework out at the waiting area tonight like he usually did, literally not having the mental energy to focus on anything academic-related at this point.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That part worried Felix.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris usually thrived at being productive. When he was sad or down, he always distracted himself by busying himself with work rather than wallowing in his sadness. The fact that he'd wasted more than a few minutes sitting there to simply be – that's what told Felix that the burden Chris had been carrying by himself must have been getting too heavy even for the strong-willed, ever-optimistic boy. After all, he was still a boy. A young teenager with more years ahead of him than behind him. What Felix understood he was going through was something no teenager should experience, and he truly wondered to himself how Chris still managed to get up, go to school, and be the responsible person that he was when frankly, all he needed was a break.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A small sigh escaped Chris' lips, and Felix watched him take a deep breath before gathering his things. He stood from his seat at the same time the older teenager did and walked behind him as Chris entered the room with a small smile on his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hey, Lixie," the older one greeted somewhat cheerfully, masking the pain that ate him up. The little limp that was a result of the earlier incident in school had not gone amiss. "Hyungie's here now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If Felix had not heard that conversation outside or seen the defeated expression Chris wore not too long ago, he could have been fooled by the bright smile that adorned the latter's face and the upbeat mood he forced himself into with his greeting.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry I'm late today," he said as he hobbled towards the side of the room to set his things to the side. "I… I kind of found myself in a situation today."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix looked at him in anticipation as he waited for the older boy to continue. Was he going to open up to him? He certainly hoped so. He understood if Chris did not want to burden him with his troubles, but he wished that Chris trusted him with what he felt – even if it were only while he was in his unconscious state.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I… uh… I-I almost fell down the stairs at school today," he said as he sat on the chair next to the bed and playfully drew the circles he usually did on the back of Felix's hand whenever he greeted him. "I'm kinda glad you couldn't see me right now since I have this little boo-boo on my face because of that. It's, uh… it's pretty ugly." He punctuated his statement with a little laugh. One that Felix wouldn't have recognized was a fake one had he not heard the entire conversation outside.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix shook his head in disappointment. Even in this state, Chris couldn't bring himself to openly talk about his problems with the freckled boy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I uh… I might have twisted my knee a little," the older boy explained. "I had to head home from school and get a wrap for it and all. By the time I got to the bus stop, I was a little too late so I had to wait for another half hour for the next bus. It's kinda stupid that I didn't think there would be wraps here too. I mean… it's a hospital. I should have known better and headed straight here from school but… my mind was a little cloudy earlier."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger boy watched him intently, noticing that Chris was no longer wearing his school uniform. Part of him worried about Chris' plain admittance that his mind felt foggy. He sent a prayer heavenward that the incident at school did not give him a concussion.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You didn't miss me too much, did you?" He let out a small humorless chuckle before swallowing a lump in his throat. "Because I did… I do. I think I'm becoming a klutz because I miss you too much."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's chest felt heavy at his friend's revelation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris blinked the moisture away from his eyes and shook his head lightly. "Hey, um… by the way, they started making plans for the school fair today. I wasn't part of the planning committee this year since I didn't want to do non-academic stuff for the time being and uh, they kind of don't need me there anymore…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The pause after that sentence made Felix wonder what it truly meant. They wouldn't kick him out of the committee when he'd been involved in it the last couple of years, would they?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"…but I'm pretty sure they'll do a good job putting together the program. It's still a couple months away, Lix. I really hope by then you'd be well enough to attend. If not to participate, at least to see the fun, y'know?" He smiled fondly as memories of the prior year's fair entered his mind. "I'm pretty sure people will be thrilled if they got their reigning trampoline contest champion back in the game this year."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix could feel a corner of his mouth curl up to a small smile for the first time that day. Last year's contest was his first when it came to games involving a trampoline, and truth be told, he didn't think he'd be good at it. He just joined for fun and partly to show Chris that between the two of them, Chris was the true kangaroo. He didn't know he'd manage to beat the older boy in the game and end up getting a full-on victory piggyback ride from the latter all around the school's open area that afternoon. It was a rare moment where he felt like he was on top of the world… almost quite literally, he'd loosely argue, given that his best friend was pretty much his entire world at the time.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hey speaking of that," Chris cleared his throat as he took Felix's smaller hand into his. "I started looking through my files on my laptop last night. I have a folder with some of our pictures from the last couple of years and… I was thinking of getting them printed. I'm thinking of maybe putting together a little scrapbook for you with some of our stuff. Now that I don't have any after-school stuff… I can pretty much finish my homework here and work on the scrapbook in the evenings while I keep you company. Hopefully I could have it ready for when you wake up. It'll be my gift to you… for being so brave through all of this and hanging on."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The younger boy looked at him in confusion. Him? Brave? What was he talking about? He would have argued in a split second that between the two of them, Chris was definitely the braver one. All Felix had to do was be here in the safe confines of a hospital room. Chris was the one who had to face the harsh world that consistently dealt him the wrong deck of cards.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I already chose some pictures…" he continued. "Like your winning shot from last year's contest… and pictures from last Christmas when we made fruitcake together in the school's home economics room before the holiday break… and from when we camped out with some of the kids from school… and your first competition as a dance club member where I attended dressed as a bear to take your mind off your nerves…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With every memory he enumerated came a tingling sensation at the back of his throat, and before he got to the last item, a tear had already rolled off his cheek without him even knowing. It broke Felix's heart to see his friend desperately try so hard to hold everything in, when all he probably needed was someone to listen to him and offer a shoulder to cry on: things that Felix would have done right then and there had he only been given the chance.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I miss you so much, Lix," Chris lamented, this time not bothering to hide his pain. "You'll get better, won't you? You'll wake up for me, right? You have to, Lix. We still have so many memories to make together. We still have lots of plans that we haven't fulfilled yet… like moving into the city when we're both in college, assuming we're still going to end up attending the same school… and you making choreographies for the songs that I write… and us travelling to Seoul together after we've saved up for a grand two-week vacation there. There's still so much life you have left to live, Lix. Please don't let the accident take that away from you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix sighed. It was bittersweet reminiscing about the past now that his future seemed so uncertain. He wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life living the life that both of them had envisioned and dreamt for themselves… but what if daydreams were merely dreams?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Please get well soon, Lixie. I…" This time, Chris stopped himself as he choked on his tears and buried his face on his palms.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Somehow, Felix knew that the older boy's tears were not just tears of longing. There was more pain in there than he probably would have cared to admit. More signs of vulnerability. More echoes of guilt and regret, and – Felix hoped he was wrong when it came to this – self-resentment. He hated the way it sounded, even though this was what he'd been hoping for: that Chris just be open with him about how he truly felt. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then he said it. Barely above a whisper, between the sobs that kept him from taking normal regulated breaths. And immediately Felix regretted wishing to hear all of it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-I don't know how much longer I can do this without you."</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>On Wednesday morning, awkward silence filled the air as Chan met up with the rest of his co-workers who were going to be present in the meeting with the prospective client: Felix, Minho, and Lee Jiyoung, one of their office's client-facing managers.</p><p>Felix and Minho both had to be there as they were the sons of the owners of the new parent company. In a way, they attended the meeting as representatives of Clé Estates' owners and the prospective client specifically requested for their presence given that the deal was going to impact other international offices of the company as well. Jiyoung was the manager who was going to be in charge of this prospect's account, so she had to be involved with the conversations given that she was expected to oversee their company's service to the client. Chan was there as the marketing representative. Given that this prospective client was a big name in its industry, and closing the deal was going to make them one of the Seoul office's biggest clients, he had to be there to gather information that would need to be published had the deal been closed, approved, and finalized.</p><p>The plan was that they would all drive to the site together. It made most sense given that Chan and Jiyoung both relied on public transportation. While Felix wasn't happy about having to be in the same vehicle as his former best friend, he had to agree that it was the best choice they had if they wanted to make it to the meeting on time.</p><p>Felix took the front seat, claiming that he and the company driver had a conversation to continue from another previous client visit. Minho knew that Felix needed the extra legroom up front given that his previous knee injury kept him from keeping his legs bent for an extended period of time, but he also understood that this was his brother's way of avoiding having to sit awkwardly next to Chan. Jiyoung said she didn't mind, so Minho simply shrugged in response. It was better to avoid turning the atmosphere more awkward than it already was anyway, so the rest of them sat at the back, with Jiyoung and Chan being on the two window seats and Minho in between them.</p><p>Chan kept his eyes on the window, leaving Minho to chat with Jiyoung during the car ride. He'd ran into the older Lee brother in the office a few times in the past, but he never really had a conversation with him before. He wasn't really planning on starting now – save for the necessary work-related conversations – given how messy his mind was regarding his situation with Felix. Besides, he knew Minho never really liked him from the very beginning, and he was sure that given Felix's disdain for him now, Minho liked him even less.</p><p>Minho, on the other hand, tried to engage Jiyoung in conversation to break her nervousness about this client meeting. Discreetly, though, he tried to pay attention to both Felix and Chan to see how the two would interact with each other today. Just the night before, he and Felix caught up over dinner, and the look of embarrassment on his brother's face as he recounted what happened the previous day remained fresh in Minho's mind.</p><p>Felix had trained himself for the longest time to hold his emotions in. He only ever really genuinely smiled when he was joking around with his brother, which in itself was a rare occasion. The fact that he cried in front of Chan and admitted to him how desperate he was to see him back then nearly made Minho choke on his broccoli last night.</p><p>He knew right then and there what that meant. Behind the strong façade of anger and resentment was a longing for his best friend. Minho just knew it. Felix wouldn't be as affected as he was by Chan's presence if he truly had moved on from their friendship and wanted nothing more from it. And he wouldn't be as embarrassed by the sudden onset of his tears in front of his former best friend if he truly no longer cared about what the latter thought of him. The fact that words alone were not enough for Felix to convey whatever it was he felt – even though he tried his best to mask his emotions with rage – and the fact that the aftermath affected him as much as it did convinced Minho that there was more to how Felix felt than what he was willing to show anyone.</p><p>By the time they reached their destination, Chan and Felix still had not a spoken a word to each other. They both have joined in on Minho's conversation with Jiyoung at certain points during the trip, but not once had they exchanged remarks directly with each other.</p><p>As they unloaded the car and walked into the prospective client's lobby, they were greeted by the receptionist and a sign that pointed to an alternative route to the meeting rooms as the building's elevators were currently broken.</p><p>"Is there a way to have our meeting here at the first floor instead?" Minho asked the receptionist.</p><p>"I'm sorry, Sir. We tried to look into that possibility this morning but all of our conference rooms in the lower levels are fully booked today. We have a series of three-day meetings scheduled including today so moving those meetings to another room to fit yours is not possible."</p><p>"Okay." He sighed. "Um… How about an off-site meeting? Are we able to just meet Mr. Choi and Mr. Chen at, say, a coffee shop? I-it's just that one of us isn't really able to take the stairs especially since our meeting is all the way up at the seventh floor…"</p><p>"If both of them are amenable to moving your meeting to a different location, we can make the arrangements, but the closest coffee shop is about a fifteen-minute drive from here and they both have other in-office meetings immediately after their appointment with you. I don't know if I can reschedule the meetings that they have after yours—"</p><p>"O-oh, okay. W-we'll just uh…" He looked at Felix, who simply looked back at him in anticipation from the middle of the lobby out of earshot from their conversation. Minho backed away from the reception desk and told the team about their situation.</p><p>Felix shrugged. "Might as well start climbing now…"</p><p>"But your knee…"</p><p>He shook his head. "I'll let you know if it's not doable. But for now we came here to do business so we might as well get it over with."</p><p>They asked for instructions as to how to get to their specific meeting room in the large office space, and as soon as they've been told of the turns they had to make after they reached the top of the staircase, they went on their way to start the climb.</p><p>Chan wanted to know what was up with Felix's knee. As far as he knew, based on their encounters in the office earlier today and prior to today, Felix was fine. Had he been injured somehow? He didn't get the chance to ask. He knew asking Felix directly would get him nowhere; he'd probably have a snarky remark ready for him about how he should be minding his own business. He wasn't sure asking Minho would go well either, seeing how they don't even really talk to each other… not to mention Chan's acute awareness of Minho's dislike of him ever since their high school days. Jiyoung, who wore the same expression he had, was just as clueless. So in the end, Chan just made a mental note to pay more attention to the youngest Australian and see if he can gather any information from the Lee brothers' conversations. Yes, he may have not been in the best speaking terms with Felix, but that didn't mean he stopped caring. If anything, he was willing to leave his own job because he cared too much.</p><p>The first flight of stairs wasn't too bad. Minho tried to distract his brother from the discomfort on his knee – which was still somewhat minimal at that point – by talking to him about pretty much anything he could find under the sun, but by the time they got to the halfway point of their flight up to the seventh floor, he himself was winded, and Felix was in severe pain. It didn't help that between each floor were two flights of stairs separated by a landing, thus requiring them to take fourteen flights of stairs with fifteen steps each just to get to their meeting room. They paused their ascent at the landing between the third and fourth floor to catch a break.</p><p>"I feel so out of shape," Minho commented. "I should be able to talk and climb the stairs without feeling like I'm running out of breath."</p><p>"You haven't worked out in a while," Felix responded. "You need to get back to those cardio exercises you used to do back home."</p><p>"No time," he simply responded as he took a deep breath and wiped the moisture that was beginning to form at his forehead.</p><p>"It's really unprofessional of them to make us climb all these flights of stairs to meet them when it's not our fault their elevators are broken," Felix muttered as he massaged his calf. "Remind me why we're doing this again?"</p><p>"Big company money?" Jiyoung responded in between breaths before taking a seat on one of the steps to give her ankles a reprieve from the high-heeled shoes she had to suffer in.</p><p>"How's your knee?" Minho asked his brother as he stretched his back out.</p><p>"Feeling like it's about to fall off," the freckled man complained. "Doesn't help that my leg is swollen today."</p><p>"Wait, it's swollen again today?" Minho asked concernedly as he lifted the bottom of Felix's left pant. True enough, his lower leg looked inflamed. "Why didn't you say so earlier?!"</p><p>"It's not like it'll change anything."</p><p>"It would have, Lix," the older brother defended. "I would have insisted on a change in venue or for the meeting to be rescheduled if I had known."</p><p>"Well…" He shrugged. "Too late now."</p><p>"If I didn't have my lower back issue, I would have carried you up to the seventh floor so you don't have to suffer the rest of the climb," Minho said.</p><p>"Who are you kidding?" Felix waved him off. "You can barely get yourself up a flight of stairs upright without having to pop your back into place. If you only listened to me and have gotten yourself a standing desk—"</p><p>"I don't need a standing desk—"</p><p>"Your back thinks otherwise, grandpa. Even your acupuncturist told you to get one. Ergonomics isn't just for old people."</p><p>Jiyoung snickered to the side as she listened to the brothers' playful banter while taking a rest. Chan couldn't help but let out a small smile too, although he wasn't sure if it was out of amusement or if it came from the bittersweet feeling he got when he heard the freckled man's familiar cackle. He held onto the sigh that wanted to escape his lips as he stood just a few steps below the landing, maintaining some distance between him and the other men. Even from a distance, he relished seeing this side of Felix again. The side that emanated concern and even playfulness instead of just anger and resentment, which was the only side he'd come to encounter to this day.</p><p>"We have two minutes 'til the meeting begins," Jiyoung commented as she hid her phone in her purse. "They won't make a big deal out of it if we end up a few minutes late because we had to take the stairs to meet them, would they?"</p><p>"If they do, they're not the kind of people we should even associate ourselves with," Felix declared.</p><p>"We do need to try to get there as closely on time as possible though," Minho, the ever-so-responsible older brother, noted. "I know your leg is giving you a hard time, Lix, but—"</p><p>"—I can do it."</p><p>Minho looked uncertain. "Are you sure?"</p><p>The younger Australian took a deep breath and nodded, wordlessly resuming his climb to the top of the steps. He may have not said much more after that, but they all noticed his struggle. Minho tried to stay next to him so he could help out in whatever way if Felix needed him, but the latter simply held onto the railings with a death grip while hoisting himself up each step.</p><p>Felix tried to pull it together, knowing how important this meeting was to the group that came with him and to the company as a whole. But the pain on his left leg – particularly his left knee – was becoming more intense with each step and only made him much less able to carry his own weight. What used to be a slight tenderness that simply came with the swelling he'd been dealing with all morning was now turning into an incessant splitting sensation that made every movement make him feel like he was going to lose his balance at any given moment.</p><p>Chan's instincts told him to close his distance from the younger Australian, taking advantage of the fact that Jiyoung moved to the other side, just behind Minho, so he could climb the stairs just two steps below the honey blonde man.</p><p>He worried for the latter. With each struggling step came a grunt from Felix that told him that the upward climb to their destination was becoming too much a hurdle for his tired, weakened leg. Chan didn't know what was wrong with the younger man, but it was obvious to him that while Felix managed to walk just fine on any normal day – including this morning, even – he also understood that he had some underlying condition that made this particular plight more of a challenge for Felix than everyone else.</p><p>They were three steps away from the fourth floor when a misstep caused Felix's weakened leg to twist at an awkward angle, his exhausted knee buckling in the process, and in an effort to save himself, he almost came crashing face-first on the steps in front of him if not for Minho grabbing a hold of his arm before he could come into contact with the ground.</p><p>"Whoa, Lix," the older brother said in concern.</p><p>"Are you okay?" Chan asked at the same time as he helped Minho usher the freckled man to a comfortable seated position.</p><p>"Fuck, that hurt," Felix muttered as he winced and took a seat on one of the steps.</p><p>"What happened?" Jiyoung inquired concernedly.</p><p>"I-I don't know, I… I-I don't think I can make it to the meeting," Felix said exasperatedly as he pulled his left pant up to gently massage his leg. "At this point, I'd be totally fine if you left me seated here for an hour while you guys meet with them. Just come back for me when it's done."</p><p>"But Lix, we can't just—"</p><p>"I can't climb three more floors, Hyung. I'd be an amputee by the time we get up there. I really can't."</p><p>"I should have just moved this meeting," Minho muttered to himself. "They really want to meet you."</p><p>Chan looked on, concern drawing lines on his forehead and knitting his eyebrows together as he watched the younger man tend to his ankle, noticing how the inflammation on his leg had now crept down to his ankle. "Lix, that doesn't look too good. You probably should be resting it now. I don't think these steps will do you any good."</p><p>"Thanks, Captain Obvious," he simply responded. "I think we all know that."</p><p>"Lix," Minho sternly called in a slight reprimand. He shook his head in disapproval as soon as he caught the younger man's eye. "Chan's right. But I don't want to leave you alone here. Maybe Jiyoung and I can attend the meeting, and Chan can keep you company. We'll just tell them why you both are unable to attend."</p><p>Felix's eyes widened. He didn't even care about being left here to rest. But being left alone with Chan? That was something else – something he'd rather avoid. He really didn't want to have to deal with any of that at the condition he was currently in. "N-no, that's fine. You all can go."</p><p>"But—"</p><p>"I'm only going to be sitting here, Hyung. There's no reason Chan should have to stay behind too."</p><p>"It's either that, or we call to reschedule the meeting, Lix."</p><p>"You're already halfway to the seventh floor. Do you really want to waste all your efforts and just cancel?" he challenged. "You all should go. Besides, if you decide to reschedule the meeting, that'll only put a strain on our relationship with this company seeing how that would be a very last-minute call."</p><p>"I have an idea," Chan spoke up, and as soon as he had everyone's attention, Chan spun in place similarly to the way Felix did earlier, and sat on the step below where the younger Australian was seated. He looked over his shoulder to Felix and patted his shoulders. "Hop on," he beckoned. "I know you'd be more comfortable with Minho, but given your conversation earlier, obviously he can't give you a ride up. But I can."</p><p>Felix shook his head in panic. "B-but—"</p><p>"Chan, are you sure about this?" Minho asked with concern. "We still have a couple flights to go. I don't want you to pull a muscle on your back either."</p><p>"I'm sure," he said without missing a beat. "It'll be fine."</p><p>"But your back—"</p><p>"I work out. At the very least, we should give it a try. It's the best option we have at this point." He looked at Felix, whose expression was unreadable. If he wasn't in pain right now, Chan would actually have found the look on his face a little humorous. It was a cross between embarrassment and pridefulness, although he wasn't sure which one won. "Besides, if you do end up rescheduling the meeting, we'll still have to take all these flights back down. The way Felix's leg looks like right now, I doubt he'll be able to descend these stairs without any pain too, so either way, this might be our only option."</p><p>"B-but…" Felix tried to chime in, but his words were caught in the air. Jiyoung and Minho both appeared to agree with Chan, and truth be told, if he set aside his squabble with the older man, he would have completely agreed with his statement. He really didn't know how he'd get back down to the lobby especially seeing how going down the stairs required more from his knee, calf, and ankle than going up. Of course, his pride had to get in the way, though. "Wouldn't it be unprofessional for them to see me enter the meeting room piggybacked on my team lead?"</p><p>Minho raised a brow. "That's seriously your concern right now?" He had to chuckle. "You can barely walk but you're more concerned about your image?"</p><p>"They'll have to excuse it no matter how unprofessional it looks," Jiyoung commented. "You wouldn't be in this situation anyway if they did something about their broken elevators."</p><p>Felix pressed his lips together before looking at Chan, who remained seated in front of him as he waited for the younger Australian to make a decision. To be honest, he was expecting Chan to be looking back at him. He was expecting Chan to pressure him into giving in. He was expecting Chan to look smugly at him, as though rubbing in the fact that he was helpless in this situation and he had no choice but to humbly accept the older man's help.</p><p>And yet, part of him was also expecting Chan to look back at him with the same expression he used to wear back in high school – the expression of reassurance that Felix looked for every time he had a brief moment of anxiety about pretty much anything. The look of encouragement that helped him calm his nerves every time he stepped outside his comfort zone only to find his best friend rooting for him no matter what it was.</p><p>He didn't know why he expected so much. He didn't know why he even expected anything. It wasn't like he was friends again with Chan. It wasn't like Chan was doing this out of compassion; heck, they dealt with each other in very unfriendly terms. Part of him wondered if Chan did this all out of pity – after all, how unfortunate was it for a seemingly strong and healthy man be unable to climb the stairs to save his life? Part of him wondered if Chan did this all out of impatience – after all, they'd probably be at the meeting by now if they didn't have to stop every couple of steps because of Felix. Either way, the young, freckled man just wished for the ground to eat him up now. The last thing he wanted right now was to accept help from the man he promised he'd never need in his life any longer.</p><p>He shook his head subtly, inwardly chiding himself for caring too much about what ran in the older man's mind. Why did he even care about what Chan thought? About what Chan felt? About what Chan's motives were? It didn't really matter much at this point. They just had to get to their destination: either back to the lobby or up to their meeting room.</p><p>But did it really not matter?</p><p>Somehow, Felix knew deep inside that it did.</p><p>To be honest, he was a little disappointed to not have met Chan's encouraging gaze, but at the same time he was hugely relieved that he didn't have to read whatever emotion was coursing through the older man's expressive eyes. This way, he didn't have to decode what he'd read. This way, he didn't have to feel pressured to accept his help or to feel conflicted about the fact that he was swallowing his pride to let the man he tried to kick out of his own company carry him on his own back.</p><p>"Lix?" Minho voice pulled his attention back to the present. He turned his gaze to his older brother whose expression basically asked him to put away his issues for once and to just let Chan do this for him. Minho lifted his arm to show that he already had Felix's belongings taken care of; all the younger one had to do at this point was literally hop on and they could get going.</p><p>He understood and he wordlessly nodded in response. He really didn't want to hold them up further, and frankly, he wasn't really in a position to say no anyway. Going down those steps – albeit slowly – essentially would have given him another knee injury, and rolling down the staircase all the way to the lobby just to save his knee was only going to give him even more injuries. He took a deep breath and tentatively placed his hands on Chan's shoulders for support before leaning in. His gaze focused on the older man, and while the latter didn't look back at him, Felix could see Chan's cheeks puff up in a small smile as soon as he felt the honey blonde man latch onto him for support.</p><p>"Ready?" Chan simply asked as he linked his arms to the younger man's legs to fasten him in place.</p><p>"Y-yeah…" Felix said with a small nod, prompting Chan to stand up.</p><p>To say that this was awkward for Felix would have been a complete understatement. He knew he wasn't even supposed to do anything at this point other than stay still until they got to their destination, but instead, he stiffly half-sat upright on Chan's back as though he were a piece of plank that Chan had to carry to a construction site.</p><p>"Uh, Manager Lee…" Chan called out as he climbed the steps.</p><p>"Am I too heavy?" Felix immediately asked in response. "D'you want me to get off?"</p><p>"No," the older male responded with a slight chuckle. "But I think you should relax."</p><p>"W-what?"</p><p>"Relax," Minho repeated for Chan. "You're probably making it harder for him with what you're doing."</p><p>"O-oh." He looked down at himself and only now noticed that only the tip of his fingers were touching Chan's shoulders. The distance between his chest and Chan's back was roughly at least a foot apart, and Chan had to lean forward to counter his weight, which pulled them both backward.</p><p>"It'll help if you lean forward so Chan can straighten up a little and not hurt his back," Minho suggested. "Just relax and rest on Chan's back. Have you never been piggybacked before, Lix?"</p><p>"I have…" He cleared his throat. "In… in high school."</p><p>Chan smiled at the fond memories of those days. "Then relax, Lixie—er, Manager Lee." His ears immediately heated up at the slip up. The feeling of having Felix on his back was a little too familiar considering all the occasions he gave the younger one a piggyback ride back then in high school, so much so that he forgot they weren't living in those days anymore. The heat on his ears immediately crept all the way up to his face knowing now that Felix no longer liked being called that name. He tried to concentrate on the steps, but from his peripheral vision, he could feel Minho's intense stare directed at him. "F-feel free to just lean in like you did back then," he covered up.</p><p>Felix nodded and did as he was told, and for once, as he leant forward and clasped his arms around Chan's shoulder, he almost felt like the weight of the world was taken off his own shoulders – as though he was the one previously carrying something on his back that now he was able to get rid of. He felt inexplicably calm. As though freely letting his weight fall on Chan's shoulders was the quick release that the tension in his own muscles was waiting for. As though letting his guard down, even for just a little bit, and allowing himself to be vulnerable and helped by the one person he promised he'd never reach out to again was the one thing he needed to feel serene again. This felt nice. This felt familiar. This felt like <em>home</em>.</p><p>As much as he hated to admit it, and as much as he hated being a burden to others, he actually had no complaints about what was currently happening. And for once, he didn't want to overthink and overanalyze anymore. For once he didn't even want to think about what was running in Chan's mind or what his own mind was telling him about Chan potentially being able to use this situation in the future to get back at him. He didn't want to argue with himself anymore. He just wanted to savor the feeling of being somewhat reunited with his high school best friend.</p><p>Simply put, regardless of his motives, Chan was there for him today… just like he was all those years ago. And for Felix, it was just… heaven. The familiarity of the feeling of being in the receiving end of that presence tugged at him in ways he couldn't even explain. How many times had Chan carried him on his back before? Out of compassion (like when bullies beat him to a pulp and Chan came to the rescue). Out of excitement (like when he won that trampoline contest). Out of encouragement (like when the dance club won a competition and Chan decided to celebrate by running on a victory lap with the freckled dancer on his shoulders). Out of playfulness (like the couple times Felix preferred that they hung out rather than go to class and Chan had to teach him by carrying him to his classroom that work came before play).</p><p>A small smile tugged at the corner of his lip as he remembered those little memories. Memories that were so easy to sweep off to the backburner when he was too busy reminding himself of his bitterness and anger.</p><p>Was this really all it took for his hardened heart to melt a little? Was this really all that had to happen before he realized how much he actually missed being able to call Chan his best friend? Because if it was, he had to wonder to himself – what kind of friend was he if he only exercised compassion and understanding in moments that benefitted him?</p><p>Maybe it wasn't his heart that was the issue. Deep inside, as much as he wanted Chan out of his life, he knew there was a small part within him that screamed from a distance, wanting to be heard – a small part of him that endlessly wished for nothing but for things be back to the way they used to be.</p><p>Part of him wondered when he'll ever have enough of his anger. Part of him wondered until when his situation with Chan was going to be the way it was. It was so easy for his mind to override his heart when he had to pretend to be strong. When he had to pretend that no remnants of his past was keeping him on the ground like the weak and abandoned boy who cried alone in their old hangout spot in school back then out of loneliness and desperation. It was so easy to let his anger overrule the rest of his emotions when he reminded himself that he can no longer be vulnerable.</p><p>And yet, here he was, plopped on his former best friend's back like a koala, wanting nothing more than a ceasefire in the war that only he wanted to fight in.</p><p>How was it fair that he fought every single day to keep his guard up, only to find his walls come crashing down with a simple act of kindness from the one person he thought he needed to stay away from?</p><p>"Seventh floor," Minho announced before blowing air out of his cheeks in exhausted victory.</p><p>"It almost didn't feel like we'd make it," Jiyoung said with a laugh as she patted her forehead with a handkerchief to freshen up a little before they faced the prospect client in the meeting.</p><p>Felix slowly slid off Chan's back, making sure that majority of his weight rested on his uninjured knee when he was back on his feet.</p><p>"Are you okay, Manager Lee?" the team lead asked, turning around to face the freckled man as soon as he got off. "Are you able to walk?"</p><p>He lifted his gaze to meet Chan's concerned eyes, offering nothing more than a tight-lipped sincere smile and a small nod.</p><p>"I-I can help you if—"</p><p>"I'm okay," he reassured, this time a slightly bigger smile gracing his features. "You've done more for me today than I could hope for. Thank you."</p><p>Chan was stunned. Felix had always been stoic or angry in front of him ever since they started working together. Was that a smile that he just saw? And did he really hear the words 'thank you' come out of his mouth? Were those really directed at him?</p><p>"Chan." He was so surprised at Felix's words of gratitude that he didn't even realize that Minho had been calling his attention from behind. "Did you lose your sense of hearing at the stairwell or what?"</p><p>The older male straightened as he met Minho's gaze, wiping the smile off his own features and replacing it with a professionally stoic one. "Oh, um… sorry. I was a little distracted."</p><p>"By a thank you," Minho finished for him. "I can tell."</p><p>Chan chuckled nervously. "Um, do you need me for anything?"</p><p>"I really appreciate what you've done for Felix," Minho said. "I'm sure he does too."</p><p>"It's really nothing," he responded. "I… I appreciate that he didn't refuse my offer."</p><p>"I know this is a bit out of nowehere, but… do you think we can talk?" Minho looked around to see that Felix limped towards the meeting room with Jiyoung a few meters ahead of them. "After work maybe?"</p><p>Chan scratched the back of his neck. "Um, about what?"</p><p>"To be honest, about the past. About your disappearance. About my brother."</p><p>Chan looked uncertain. "Does Felix know about this?"</p><p>He shook his head. "That's why I was hoping for it to be after work. Possibly in a place away from the office."</p><p>"I-I don't know how Felix would feel about this—"</p><p>"You owe us an explanation about why you never came back," he insisted. "And if Felix doesn't want to hear your side of it, then I will."</p><p>Chan looked at him skeptically, his brain refusing to supply him the words to respond to the younger but more superior man.</p><p>"We need to go to the meeting," Minho said as he looked at his wristwatch. "But think about it and let me know before the day ends."</p><p>Chan swallowed a lump in his throat. "I-I can meet with you after work."</p><p>"Good," Minho said as he started walking towards the direction that Felix and Jiyoung were at. "I'll email you the details about where we could meet."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Apologies for the delay on this update. The inspiration is there when the time is not, and the inspiration is not fully there when I get small pockets of time to write, so it's been a bit of a struggle. Nonetheless, I hope that what you found in here made it worth the wait. Thank you for your patience with me while I worked on getting this chapter written. Hope you all are doing well, and I'll see you on the next one! &lt;3</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Chapter 11</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: panic attacks</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>Felix wasn't sure how or why, but somehow he found himself in a white room, almost akin to the waiting room outside where Chan usually hung out while members of the Lee family visited him. The one where he'd seen Chan and Minho talk one evening, although he no longer can remember what that conversation was all about. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Except it wasn't the same room. It was different, a little too white and a little too clean even for a hospital setting. If such a thing even existed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He allowed his eyes to look around, but there wasn't much to catch his attention. No windows, no doors. Just plain white seats against plain white walls that faced a plain white hallway, and the image of it all made him wonder how he even got here.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He racked his brain to see how he ended up here but he came up with nothing. His anxiety about his predicament started to grow as soon as he realized that there was not much he could remember, and he slowly found himself breathing heavily, almost as though he is underwater even though he knew for a fact that he wasn't. Was this his end? After weeks of being in a coma, was it finally his time to say goodbye?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In a blink of an eye, the brightness turned into darkness, as though someone had turned all the lights off and nothing was left to illuminate his surroundings. It was the complete opposite of what he had seen just a mere second ago – now seeing nothing but black in every direction he turned. He couldn't see the seats, the walls, the floor on which he stood, not even himself. It almost felt as though he was blind, knowing that he had his eyes open but not being able to see anything at all. The struggle to breathe intensified, and his panic began to increase as he tried to fumble around in search for the light switch. For the closest wall… For anything, really.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The next thing he knew, he couldn't move his left arm. It was restrained and held into place, but by what, he didn't know exactly. He tried to walk around and reach for the walls using his right arm instead, but his legs felt heavily glued in place. His right arm felt free, although his muscles ached as though they have not been used in a really long time. Slowly he realized that he actually had his right hand in a fist this whole time, a small object centered on the palm of his hand while a fiber of something he couldn't quite recognize wrapped around his fingers.</em>
</p><p>"I want you to have this. I'm giving it to you right now so that you have more than just my words to hold onto."</p><p>
  <em>He heard a voice echo from a distance as he tried to understand what the object was. He was almost a hundred percent sure he could recognize it to be Chris'. But what was he talking about and what was it exactly? And why could he not see him? Why was his voice merely echoing from a distance?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wanted to take a look at the object, but his environment remained pitch black. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Everything fell deathly silent and fear crept into his veins once again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He reached around at the void the best that he could in an attempt to restore his sight to no avail. The only object remaining within his grasp was the object on his right hand, so he held it tighter as though his life depended on it. He already felt like he'd lost his sense of sight and sound; the object on his hand was the one thing that proved to him that he had not lost his sense of touch. Not yet, at least.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Gradually, as he fumbled around, his sense of hearing slowly returned, although in the beginning it almost felt like he lived in a bubble, the soft sounds he could pick up all feeling as though they distortedly have come from a different dimension. He heard something that beeped every few seconds with a high-pitched tone, and then he started hearing something else that resembled the sound he would have made if he tried blowing air into a balloon in a rhythmic pattern. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He still felt as though he was drowning, but despite his struggle to breathe, something told him that he was at least now nearing the surface. That he just needed to push a little further, to just put in a little more effort to reach the edge of the black hole. He squinted his eyes and small, fuzzy waves of light began to come into his vision. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>This is it, he told himself. He's finally breaking through the bubble he somehow got trapped into. He held onto the object on his right palm with all his strength, afraid that in his struggle to break free, he might accidentally let go of the one thing that somehow gave him the strength to emerge from the water. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he broke through the surface, he fluttered his eyes open and was blinded by the lights that were absent from his sight not too long ago. The lights surrounding him, though seemingly dimmed, made his skull feel as though it was being broken in half. He moaned in agony, but the loudness of his own voice echoed within the dome of his head, causing the pain to intensify further.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Blinking a couple of times, he tried to familiarize himself with where he was. There was a certain stillness in his environment, and that calmed him down a little. But there was also a certain something missing from it that he felt deep down in his gut should have been there; he just couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tried to look around, and realization dawned on him that he was in a room he actually recognized, although the image that entered his mind still looked distorted. He was in a room and he was lying on a bed. His legs felt numb; his left arm felt restrained; his right hand… his right hand still had that unfamiliar object. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He gripped it with all that he had before slowly lifting his hand to see what exactly it was that he'd been holding onto the entire time: a necklace, the pendant of which was sitting right at the center of his palm. His blurry vision allowed him to gather that it was the shape of a sun and it had a Korean inscription in the middle, but his tired mind was too fuzzy to function and recognize what the characters read. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He almost inwardly sighed in relief for the realization that what he felt matched reality, and that the necklace on his hand was something that he wasn't just making up in his delirious state. He rested his head back comfortably, allowing his hand to drop back to his side and for his mind to rest, deferring his investigative work for later, when he no longer felt as tired as he did. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Just as he thanked his lucky stars that he was no longer living in the weird white room or the dreadfully dark bubble he found himself in, exhaustion took over him and darkness once again engulfed him.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Minho couldn't imagine how Chris did it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Waiting endlessly and patiently in the ICU for Felix to wake up, that is. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He'd only been here for two hours today, but he already felt as though his entire day had gone by wasted, even though he didn't want to entertain such a thought since he wanted to be here for his brother. The struggle came from the fact that he was so used to being productive. To running around school, jumping from one activity to another, or doing things in their family company's office, running errands for his parents and helping out in the ways he could as a teenager, almost acting as an assistant to their office's interns.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wasn't used to sitting idle. And while he had his laptop with him to help him pass the time, the environment wasn't very conducive to the productive mental work that he needed to get done. The surroundings were both too loud and too quiet at the same time. Too quiet that he could almost hear his own breath with every exhale he made, too loud that he felt like the sound of the machines will remain etched in his mind after he leaves the hospital tonight. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He looked at the bottom of his laptop screen as he stifled a yawn. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Monday, July 6, 2015, it read, reminding him that it was just the beginning of their two-week break between their second and third terms in school. He told his mother that during these two weeks, he can watch over Felix during the day in her stead since he didn't have school to attend anyway. That would allow Mrs. Lee to catch up on work she'd been behind on and unable to attend to ever since the accident happened a month ago.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>While he wasn't sure what exactly he'd do while he waited the long hours of the day in Felix's room, he was glad to have the opportunity to be here for his brother, even though Felix knew nothing about it. He was pretty sure Chris was planning on sticking around during their two-week break from school as well, but Minho was glad that he at least had a couple days to have his brother to himself while Chris was out of the country. If anything, at least for these few days, he wouldn't have to worry about how to deal with Chris' presence during awkward moments of silence.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Part of him tried to imagine what that would be like, talking while a stranger's ears listened in on his one-sided conversations with his brother. But he also imagined what he'd hear if he tried eavesdropping on the kinds of conversations Chris had with Felix while he was in this state. Part of him wanted to know out of curiosity, but part of him wanted to instead propose a schedule to Chris so they wouldn't have to see each other as much in the hospital, especially knowing how they never got along as friends to begin with.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He reached into his jacket and felt the small card that came from the older boy the day before. He took it out and surveyed it for the nth time, looking at how neatly Chris wrote on the center his cellphone number.</em>
</p><p>"I want you to know that I'll be gone for a couple days," he remembered the blonde man tell him last night, his expression a mixture of joy and sorrow, of half-hearted excitement and preempted regret.</p><p>"Okay?" Minho responded confusedly at the statement. "I don't need to know that. I'm not your keeper."</p><p>"I know this is asking for too much," Chris told him as he took out a pen and scribbled his number on a piece of card he took from the hospital's reception desk. "But please call me if anything changes in Felix's condition while I'm gone. Please?"</p><p>"Where are you even going? And why do I need to stay in touch with you just because you ask me to?"</p><p>"I'm going to Seoul with my parents," he explained. "There's just something personal that I need to take care of."</p><p>"More personal than Felix? Really, Chris? You treat Felix like a brother and yet the moment he lands in a coma, you end up traveling to a different country for something more personal than your relationship with him?"</p><p>"This isn't any of your business, Minho. And my parents were the ones who chose to time it like this, not I. If I had a choice, I'd move the trip. But this is my only chance."</p><p>"Chance to what?"</p><p>Chris shook his head. He couldn't talk out loud about this being his only chance to see his real parents. No one knew he was adopted. That was part of the agreement he made with his stepparents so as not to cause murmurs regarding their reputation – that no one would know he came from a different set of parents. He kept his silence. "Please contact me if anything changes with Felix. I'll keep my phone with me at all times. Promise me you'll stay in touch even for just these three days. Please Minho?"</p><p>He sighed but silently nodded just to get him off his back. "I'm not sure anything will change in three days' time, but I'll keep you updated."</p><p>Gratitude emanated from Chris' expressive eyes, making Minho a little uncomfortable. "Thank you."</p><p>
  <em>He stared at the card after remembering his encounter with the blonde Australian yesterday before deciding to put it back in his pocket, wondering to himself if he'd really have to get in touch with Chris during his trip. He really hoped not.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It wasn't that he didn't want his brother to wake up. He just didn't feel like any change in Felix's condition would change anything for Chris while he was away. So what's the point of having to contact him when he'll be back in a couple days anyway?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It wasn't that he hated Chris. No, hate would have been too strong a word.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He disliked him for leading his brother astray. He disliked him for teaching his brother everything that went against the values that Minho and his parents tried to instill in Felix – the value of submitting one's self to a future dictated by a family-run empire and the value of putting one's own family above one's self. He disliked him for making Felix want to explore his options for his future – options that Minho never afforded to have. Maybe he was a bit envious of his brother in that respect. Maybe a tad jealous that Felix had someone like Chris who allowed him to somewhat dream of a future for his own self.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But it wasn't just that.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho would have never said it out loud, but he actually seethed with jealousy when it came to Chris.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Chris, whom Felix opened up to in ways he never did to his own family. Chris, who shared more memories, more laughter, more precious moments with Felix than he ever did with Minho. Chris, whom Felix loved more like a brother than his very own.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Part of him always asked… why was it that Chris kept sticking around Felix when he had his own brother to hang out with? Wasn't he content playing a mentor role with Jeongin that he had to force himself into someone else's brother's life and take his older brother's place?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It didn't seem fair to Minho that he worked just as hard as Chris – probably even harder than him given that he didn't have the older boy's natural charisma – and yet here he was, second to him at everything both in academics and in his younger brother's life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew he was cold-hearted, and that was probably why Felix never gravitated towards him. But was it his fault that he was raised this way? That he was trained to be this way from such an early age and didn't actually have anyone like Chris to look up to? Was it his fault that Felix never accepted from their parents the same things that he never dared to question when he was being taught at a young age about responsibility?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He had to be the tough guy in the family. That was his role as the eldest son. While Felix ran around with his heart on his sleeve, Minho operated using the dictates of his brain and not his emotions. Showing one's emotions is to show one's weakness anyway, he believed, and that was one of the things he and his brother never saw eye-to-eye on.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Sometimes he wished he was wired a different way, though. Sometimes he wished to be a little bit more carefree just so his brother would see him in a more positive light. He cared for him, he really did. He was just never good at expressing it because of the way he was used to carrying himself. Just because he never showed it, didn't mean he didn't care. Just because he didn't express it well didn't mean he didn't long to be a hyung to Felix.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He smiled bitterly to himself as he thought of the Korean word for an older brother. Growing up in Australia, his family only picked and chose parts of the Korean culture that they wanted to incorporate into their lives, and using Korean honorifics was not one of those things. They used the English terms for family positions like mom and dad, and Minho and Felix just referred to each other using their names, although Minho had always wondered what it would be like to be called hyung by his younger brother. Just like he did with Chris.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>While they weren't close at all, it wasn't like there wasn't a void in his chest that ached every time he thought of what could have been had he only fostered a good relationship with the freckled boy. It wasn't like he never ached to have a younger brother that looked up to him the same way Felix looked up to Chris. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho got pulled away from his thoughts when he heard a soft call from the direction of the bed, unsure as to whether he was hearing things or if Felix was actually starting to regain his consciousness.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It had been five days since the younger boy was extubated as his doctor determined that he was finally able to breathe on his own. It meant he was slowly on the way to recovery, but it also was a cause of concern for them as to why he was still taking a while to wake up.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Perhaps, today the wait is over. Perhaps, today they don't need to be concerned anymore.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"H-hyung…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He heard that voice again, this time a little bit louder, even though it still seemed like it was barely above a whisper, uttered with desperation as though the speaker was in search of the person he was calling out to.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho slid away from his seat, leaving his laptop on the chair as he tentatively approached the bed. Felix's eyes were half-open, as though he was trying hard to stay awake, fighting the gravity that wanted to pull his lids back to a close. His free hand tapped about on the sheets aimlessly, and Minho wasn't sure if his brother was calling him to come sit next to him or if he was searching for something.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung…" he croaked once more, the hoarseness in this voice making Minho wince at how painful it must be for the younger one to utter anything right now after having a tube stuck on his throat for weeks.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-I'm right here, Felix," he finally responded, pushing the button on the headboard to call for a nurse before sliding to his bedside. His heart swelled upon hearing his brother's words. Upon realizing that Felix called him hyung. Maybe…just maybe, wishes came true once acknowledged within the heart. He took a hold of Felix's hand. "I'm here now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's eyes filled with tears as he continued to allow his hand to roam about on the side of the bed. "N-no…" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho looked in panic as the machine next to his brother started beeping loudly. If the button he pushed earlier had not alerted the nurse's desk that he needed assistance, the machine's sound right now definitely would have.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hyung…" he repeated, rejecting the hand that Minho was offering for him to hold onto with whatever little strength he had. "Chris… Chris Hyung…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In a split second, Minho's world shattered, and he didn't even realize that a tear had rolled down his cheek as he watched his brother thrash about on the bed in search for the blonde Australian.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew this moment was not about him. It was about his brother and the trauma he's experienced from the accident. But he couldn't deny that it hurt.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He was the one who was here and yet his presence was not appreciated. His presence was not enough.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He stepped away to the side as nurses entered the room and did what they needed to do to calm Felix down and restore his vitals to a normal level. He watched them give him more fluids, take certain machines off his body, teach him how to breathe deeper. The thrashing stopped and the sounds of his agonizing cries while gasping for air were replaced by subdued sobs that were less heart-shattering. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still, Minho could feel his heart beating furiously against his ribcage. Felix was calm now; why wasn't he?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It took him a while to realize what his hands were gripping so hardly at in the pockets of his jacket. In his left pocket was the card he had looked at earlier; in his right was an unknown piece of jewelry he had picked up from the floor earlier when he came in.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He assumed it was Chris' since he was the only one who was in Felix's room last night, but he wasn't sure. It could have been one of the nurses' too, but he hadn't had the chance to ask anyone yet.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With rage he focused in on the item on his left hand, gripping it so hard that the card had crumpled in his palms within his pocket. Of course, Felix would look for him. Of course, Felix would call out for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Of course, Felix would not think twice about rejecting him – his own brother, flesh and blood – when doing so would prove the fact that it was Chris he needed – it was Chris he wanted – by his side as he woke up from his comatose state.</em>
</p><p>"Call me if anything changes in Felix's condition while I'm gone. Please?"</p><p>
  <em>Chris' pleading voice played in his mind, prompting him to shake his head bitterly in the corner. He knew it was wrong to be bitter. It was wrong to make this all about himself. But he's only human, and his emotions were too intense at the moment for him to even really care about the rightness or wrongness of his feelings.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He watched as his brother slowly dozed off to sleep. Sure, Felix had woken up from his coma, and that was worth telling Chris about. But was he going to?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>No, Minho shook his head. Given what happened today, Felix most likely will stay sedated for a while. Until he fully wakes up without feeling as panicked and disoriented, the medical team might keep him on certain medications to keep his vitals from going haywire again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Besides, Chris was going to be back in three days anyway. He might as well find out then. He may feel important because Felix cared for him so much, but in the grand scheme of things, he wasn't. And no matter how much Felix loved him, nothing was going to change the fact that he was not family.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He was just a friend. He was not Felix's brother. He did not have a right to learn about Felix waking up from his coma even before his parents did. Angrily, Minho took his hand out of his pocket, wiping his damp cheek with the back of his hand as the crumpled card tauntingly stared back at him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Without second thought, he tossed the card into the waste basket at the corner of the room closest to the door before walking out and pulling his phone out of his jeans to give an update to his mother.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Felix felt pain all over his body the next time he came into consciousness, brought about by the stiffness of his unused muscles and the soreness of his healing injuries. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He hadn't even opened his eyes yet, but he already felt the throbbing pain on his skull resurface, although it felt a little duller than it did the last time. The lights were not as blindingly bright this time. At least not as far as he could tell from what he could see through his eyelids. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nevertheless, all he knew at that moment was pain. It was everything, and it was everywhere. And he wanted to resist opening his eyes and sleep some more, to be drifted away at the unconsciousness that tugged on him relentlessly, but suddenly he realized that there was a certain warmth next to him – one that wasn't there when he last awoke. Putting two and two together in his current state took longer than usual, but he finally recognized that he was feeling someone's hand on his and he desperately wanted to know who it was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Begrudgingly, he opened his eyes, his vision adjusting slowly to the image of his mother sitting next to him and holding his hand while typing away on her phone with the other.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He recognized her from where he lay even though he could only see the side of her face. He recognized the sleeplessness that darkened the bags under her eyes, the exhaustion that drew lines on her forehead. He had no idea how much time had passed since he ended up here, but from what he could tell from the way she looked, it hadn't just been a day or two. He had no idea how much time had passed since the last time he woke either, when he felt suffocated by the darkness and Chris' voice echoed from a distance, begging for him to come back, causing him to live in a frenzied panic before being enveloped by even more darkness.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With all his strength, he gently squeezed the hand that was on his, causing his mother to immediately drop her phone to the side and face him. The exhaustion that was visible in her eyes was masked by tears of joy.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix," she called tentatively as she turned to him, searching his gaze as though trying to confirm that she wasn't just imagining this moment. "Felix, you're awake!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He closed his eyes briefly but opened them again in response. "Mmm. M-mom…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yes, my dear," she whispered back as she brushed a hand over his partially bandaged head, caressing his hair gently before turning to her eldest son. "Minho, please call someone. Tell them your brother is awake."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix only heard the door close from the other side of the room, assuming that his ever-obedient brother simply nodded in agreement and immediately sprung into action. He wanted to get a glimpse of Minho, but he was too sore to turn to the direction that the sound came from so he focused his gaze on his mother instead, noting the joyful tears that brimmed at her eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How are you feeling, Lix?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Pain…" he whispered with a wince, the rawness on his vocal cords almost rendering his speech soundless. "Pain everywhere…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll ask your doctor to see if there's anything he can give you to help out with that," she assured. "A lot of your wounds have healed, but I'm sure you still have some more healing to do especially with your internal injuries."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I…" he started saying, the words that formed in his head coming out very slowly given his half-asleep state. "N-necklace. Where's the necklace…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His mother looked at him confusedly. "What necklace, dear?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-it was in my hand. I… I had it. Where'd it go?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know what necklace you're talking about, Lix," she said concernedly. "They gave me all of your personal items when you were brought here. They didn't find a necklace on you on the night of the accident."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"A-accident?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah," she said with a gentle nod. She was going to ask him if he remembered what happened that night, but soon a doctor and a nurse entered the room to check up on him and make sure there was nothing of immediate concern now that he was awake and able to answer questions. She waited with Minho to the side, watching intently as they inspected his injuries, asked questions, and took notes on their observations regarding his vitals and overall condition.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You were in a coma for a month," the doctor filled him in. "You are very lucky to have woken up from that at this point because in cases like yours, being in a comatose state for that long almost generally means that the patient will more likely than not end up being in a vegetative state. You managed to break through at just the right time; otherwise, your mother and I might be having a different kind of conversation right now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix didn't know how to react. It almost felt unreal to him that he had been unconscious for a full month. It didn't feel like he was in that trapped state of darkness for that long. But it also made him wonder – what happened since then? Was he going to be alright? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His mother looked very relieved earlier – how had she been coping? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>His dad – was his dad disappointed in him for causing all this trouble? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Was Minho affected by all of this, or did he just go about his own way like he usually did? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then there's Chris. Oh no, Chris – How was he? Did he know about Felix's condition? He was pretty sure his best friend would have been worried about him had he known. The last thing Felix wanted was to make his friend worried, though. Heaven knew Chris already had a lot to deal with – although somehow Felix couldn't begin to enumerate what exactly was on his friend's plate. He just knew deep within that Chris was going through a lot even though he didn't seem to know exactly what it was.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Luckily, the amount of time you were in a coma was sufficient for some of your injuries to heal," the doctor continued, pulling Felix back from his own thoughts. "Some of the fractures that you sustained have healed themselves nicely with the help of the medication that we've been giving you, so at least you don't have to worry as much about those, but some of them still need proper care and attention before really returning to normal. Some of them, unfortunately, bear the possibility of not ever getting back to normal."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"M-my leg?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The doctor nodded. "That is one of them. You had a dislocated knee, which is a rare but very serious injury, Felix. You actually had to undergo emergency surgery for it, but that alone is not enough to fix it even if we give it a couple of weeks or months. I don't want to overwhelm you with the details right now since I know this is a lot to take in," he explained, "but you'll have to undergo physical therapy for that at some point. You might also notice some soreness in your chest area. That's because you also fractured some of your ribs and they are not fully healed yet. Those usually take about six weeks to fully recover."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The doctor broke his gaze from Felix, who looked crestfallen at the news, and continued his explanations to Minho and his mother instead. "Everything looks normal with his vital signs right now, which is very good news. We'll keep him under observation for the next couple of hours, but I believe he can soon be moved out of the ICU and into a regular room."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's mother nodded gratefully, her eyes darting between the doctor and her son who dazedly watched quietly from the bed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Now that Felix is awake, we're switching our gears from figuring out what he needs to regain his consciousness to figuring out what he needs to regain his strength. Given that he has been taken off the tube and is able to follow instructions, we'll start him off with some breathing exercises to help clear his lungs and avoid infection while his ribs try to heal."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm… but…" Felix stammered, pausing for a few seconds and letting the silence linger in the air while he tried to figure out what he wanted to tell his doctor. "I… Never mind. I don't know what I was going to say."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You had a bit of a brain injury, so be patient with yourself if you find that there are things you can't seem to remember, or if you're having trouble communicating and organizing your thoughts. It's all normal, and the more that you heal, you'll find that these things will gradually sort themselves out along the way." The doctor looked up at his brother and mother again. "His brain injury will continue to have effects on him in the coming weeks. I strongly suggest that you do not leave Felix on his own at all. He may have unexpected random bouts of dizziness and lightheadedness, and we want to make sure that if these happen, someone is around to help prevent him from further injuring himself if he ends up losing consciousness."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix stared at the doctor and blinked slowly as though the language he spoke in was all foreign to him. "I'm… tired."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The doctor nodded and smiled. "That's understandable. I want you to get lots of rest so you can heal soon, okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix nodded absentmindedly to the extent his limited mobility allowed him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Before I leave you, though, can I just ask you a question?" the doctor asked as he looked at his checklist. Felix waited in anticipation as the doctor explained to Mrs. Lee and Minho that he needed to check on Felix's memory. They both nodded in agreement. "Do you remember what happened prior to the accident?" the doctor finally asked, to which Felix scrunched his brows in thought. He took a while to respond, and the doctor waited patiently for him to come up with his answer.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"W-we were walking home from school…" he said softly before trying to clear his throat.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Who's 'we,' Felix?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"H-hyung…" His eyes darted to the side of the room where his mother and brother were, concern flashing through his now-more-awake features as he remembered about Chris. "Hyung… where's Chris hyung?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We'll talk about him later, Felix," his mother responded. "Focus on the doctor's question for now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"B-but…" he stammered and tears started to form in his eyes, simultaneously veiling and showing the fear that began to take over him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You were walking with Chris," the doctor repeated to remind him of where he left off. "And then what happened?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Th-there was a car… He… Chris hyung was about to get hit by a car… and I… I couldn't let him get hit by a car." The panic in his voice was amplified by the erratic beeping on the machine next to him. "H-he… The car was too close. I… I tried to save him. It happened too fast."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The doctor looked towards the machine and then turned to the nurse. "His heart rate is too high. Give him the mask."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>At this point, Felix was overcome with emotions as he vividly remembered the events of that evening. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Everything… e-everything happened too fast."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Okay, Felix," the doctor placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "That's okay for now. We need you to calm down first, okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"N-no… I… I tried to save Chris," he repeated, not even knowing that he was fighting back against the nurse who tried to put an oxygen mask on him. "B-but… is he okay? Where is he? I… I tried to save Chris…" the freckled boy uttered almost hysterically with a raspy voice, repeating his best friend's name over and over despite an oxygen mask finally being placed over his nose and mouth. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix, listen to me," the doctor coaxed as he bent closer to come face to face with his patient. "I need you to take a deep breath in for me, okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He couldn't hear what the doctor was telling him. His voice was muffled by the sounds of that evening as the events played in his head over and over, making him believe that he was back at that scene all over again. He felt in his chest the exact same fear for his friend that he had that evening. The pure fright that pushed him to spring into action just so his best friend could come out of it unscathed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By now he couldn't even verbalize any of the things that came to his mind, his breathing being too labored for him to even utter words other than his friend's single-syllable name that rolled off his tongue incessantly, as though he was a two-second track that played on repeat.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He couldn't tell the doctor what was running through his mind, but he remembered it all. </em>
</p><p>He remembered the immense pain of having all that metal collide with his frail body.</p><p>He remembered blacking out before even landing on the asphalt.</p><p>
  <em>He looked around in panic and wanted to close his eyes as the room spun around before him, the face of his doctor fading into nothing but a blurred image behind the scenes that he saw at that intersection where the accident happened.</em>
</p><p>He remembered waking up next to a tree, feeling new again yet lost in the middle of nowhere.</p><p>He remembered seeing that car at the intersection and hearing a frantic voice talking to an operator on loudspeaker.</p><p>
  <em>He felt unaware of his surroundings, yet acutely aware that he was being helped into a different position on the bed. He felt the cold air on his face, but he struggled taking all of it in to fill his empty lungs.</em>
</p><p>He remembered approaching the bloodied stranger only to find out that it was his own best friend.</p><p>He remembered recognizing that the life his best friend was trying to save desperately was his.</p><p>
  <em>He heard his name being called, as though it was on the backdrop of all the scenes that played in his head. He recognized the voices – his mother, Minho, the doctor he had just been talking to. He felt cold fluid run through his veins from one arm, the same way that cold-blooded fear ran through his veins on the night he learned that he had momentarily died.</em>
</p><p>He remembered Chris frantically pumping some life back into him.</p><p>He remembered the relief that washed over his best friend's features as soon as the paramedics took over and detected that Felix had a pulse back.</p><p>
  <em>Everything slowly dimmed as though he was watching a movie that was beginning to fade out to the credits. He knew it wasn't over though. He knew it wasn't the end.</em>
</p><p>He remembered Chris passing out next to the car as soon as a paramedic tried to get the blonde boy the medical attention he needed—</p><p>
  <em>That was the last image he saw in his mind as he uttered Chris' name between labored breaths for one last time before losing his entire consciousness.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>If Felix didn't know any better, he easily could have blamed the last three sleepless nights on the slight discomfort of his bed and the dry cough that occasionally wracked his lungs as he laid his head flat on his pillow.</p><p>He knew, though, that those were far too common occurrences to even be the culprit of his sleepless nights. Those were not enough to actually give him an entire evening of nothing but tossing and turning, let alone three. He was actually used to them by now, and normally, those were things that were easily resolved by a change in his position or by reversing his pillow.</p><p>But those solutions didn't do it last night or the night before and neither did they fix anything tonight.</p><p>Every time he closed his eyes, all he could see was the scene at the stairwell at their client's office two days ago. All he could hear was Chan's voice, beckoning him to hop on his back so he could minimize the damage that the seven-floor descent after their meeting was going to inflict on his already injured leg.</p><p>Closing his eyes took him back to the comfort of his best friend's presence, and that alone was enough for him to feel like he was floating on his own cloud even for just a moment. That alone was enough to remind him of how good those days in high school were, when he didn't have to keep his guard up and pretend that he was okay when he wasn't. It was enough to remind him of what it felt like to be truly home – to be loved, accepted, cared for, and cherished just for being himself, imperfections and all. Not out of pity or compassion, and with no reservations and without him even having to try.</p><p>It was at that moment that afternoon when it took everything in Felix to not give Chan the biggest of back hugs to make up for all the lost time that they did not get to spend with each other. For someone as touch-starved as he was, being in that moment with his former best friend was all he could ever ask for (after all, Chan was the only person in his life who had ever generously given him comforting hugs and lovingly received the ones that Felix himself wanted to give whenever he felt affectionate), but it was also all he couldn't freely enjoy because with all the sweetness that swirled in his heart came the sourness of his fear of vulnerability, the spiciness of his anger, and the bitterness of the loneliness he'd felt after all these years.</p><p>And yet he gravitated more towards the sweetness of the memories of the past, and halfway down their descent back to the lobby, he found himself resting his chin on the back of Chan's head – something he used to playfully do when he felt relaxed and at ease at the presence of the person he considered like a brother. It wasn't something he intended to do, but right in the middle of that moment, it came as naturally as his breath intake and he didn't want to bother fighting it. He wasn't sure if Chan noticed it, but if definitely felt nice from his perspective. It felt nice to be able to subtly let his guard down even for just a short while.</p><p>It was like getting a taste of something he never even realized he needed. He was too tired of trying to be strong. Of convincing himself that if he put up a firm and stern persona in front of everyone – especially in front of Chan – everything would end up okay. Everything would fall into place perfectly and he'd be able to ride the waves of his emotions until they passed and reached a neutral state. That the rigidity of his exterior being would flow through and influence what went on deep inside, and he'd no longer be conflicted as to whether he should follow his mind or his heart.</p><p>Being the tough guy took a toll on him internally, and when opportunity arose for him to take a break from such a pretense, he welcomed it more openly than he dared to admit. That opportunity just had to come in the form of a piggyback ride with Chan, and somehow being able to rest on his back the same way he did before took that pressure away from him, even for just a short moment. And for once, he could actually admit to himself that while he always tried to convince himself that he was angry at Chan for everything that happened in the past, deep inside all he actually felt was a deep longing for his best friend to be back in his life like before.</p><p>Felix opened his eyes and sat on his bed, scolding himself for even feeling the way that he did. It was fine to allow himself to enjoy Chan's presence while he carried him on his back. But that was two days ago. Why was he so stuck in that moment to a point where he'd lose three nights' worth of sleep over it? Wasn't he being unreasonable? Wasn't he being out of control for still thinking about his former best friend? For still wishing that things were different from the way they actually were?</p><p>Whatever happened to all the hard work he'd put into building the tough persona that he prided himself with? To the wall he built around himself that he swore was strong enough to withstand all of Chan's efforts to get back into his life? Whatever happened to the promise he made to himself that he was never going to trust people again – especially people in his past who took advantage of his stupidity and vulnerability?</p><p>Part of him wanted to allow Chan back into his life. Heaven knew how much he longed for his best friend even despite the anger that ate up at his heart. But every time he gave the idea some thought and a chance to brew, fear kept him from taking a step forward. He may have carried the reputation of a heartless manager who cared only about the work and not the person, but truth be told, that was merely a result of years of practice of masking his fear with false hardiness. He had to be strong; he had to be tough. Otherwise, he'd find himself being the one to break all over again, and he was sick and tired of being the person he used to be. Of being the person who was weakened by his emotions and was consequently taken advantage of by those who could see through his fragility.</p><p>Bring angry at Chan was something he had to choose to feel all these years. It was the only way he could be in control of his emotions; it was the only way he didn't end up taking on a victim mentality. He refused to allow his helplessness and sadness to eat him up, and he recognized eight years ago that with the way things were going, he was going to be the loser the rest of his life if he didn't channel all his emotional energy into something that would allow him to stand back up.</p><p>That was how it all started. It wasn't like he'd been angry at his best friend from the moment he found out he was gone. To the contrary, in fact, he worried ceaselessly about Chris, and the turmoil in his heart and mind had taken a huge toll on his health and overall well-being. He trained himself to replace his affection and concern for his best friend with anger and resentment; to trade sweet memories with bitter ones to remind himself to move on. He thought he'd trained himself well enough all these years, yet he was being confronted now with the reality that perhaps he hadn't mastered his emotions as well as he thought.</p><p>Deep inside, he knew it. And unfortunately for him, there wasn't much he could do to tame the monster that emerged from him every time he came face-to-face with the person he felt conflicted about. Anger was his defense mechanism on good days, apathy on others, and he didn't resist it because he knew that if he did not put on such a mask in front of his best friend, he'd simply revert back to being the helpless little high schooler who ran to his hyung for every little thing. The same hyung who once took advantage of that same neediness and ignorance and left him when it really mattered.</p><p>As much as he told everyone around him – including himself – that he despised Chan for everything he did and didn't do eight years ago, he knew it was not completely true.</p><p>But he also knew that somehow, some way, they both had to move on.</p><p>Did he believe that having Chan disappear from his life would put him at a better place mentally and emotionally? He honestly did. In a way, it would have given him a sense of closure, and not having to deal with Chan every single day will allow him to accept that the chapter of his life that contained the older Australian had finally reached its close.</p><p>Did he think it was going to be easy moving on with his life without Chan especially now that he had encountered him again after eight long years of not knowing where he was or what happened to him? Heck no. In fact, the thought of not seeing Chan or keeping in touch with his long-lost best friend scared him, although that was something he was never going to admit out loud. But he knew it had to happen. Sometimes, in order for personal growth to take place, one had to face the unknown and get out of his own comfort zone. Felix knew that that applied to him too. He knew it had to be done if he truly wanted to move on with his life without being stuck in his past.</p><p>Begrudgingly, he sat up and blew air out of his puffed cheeks out of frustration, the air moving a wisp of his disheveled hair out of his eye.</p><p>He hated that after two long days of jampacked work days, he still lied awake at night instead of passing out due to exhaustion.</p><p>Generally speaking, he didn't really have sleeping problems. Unless those endless nights of sleep terrors and horrific nightmares eight years ago were counted, that is.</p><p>They started happening after Felix found out that Chan was gone, his incessant worrying translating into dreams that reflected nothing but the fear that ate him alive about the possibility of his best friend somehow perishing before he woke from his coma and his family being too scared to tell him for fear of how he'd take the news.</p><p>It was the only explanation that made sense back then. Felix held onto Chan's words that he'll never leave him alone. Felix trusted that promise, and he knew deep in his heart that the only way Chan would break that promise was if something beyond his control had occurred. As much as Felix did not want to entertain the thought, the fact that Chan had not been able to keep his promise only convinced Felix more and more as each day passed that something must have happened to his best friend. Something that would have left him helpless in his situation.</p><p>That was when the nightmares started happening, and his doctor had to resort to drugging him to sleep just so he could give his body the rest that it needed to recuperate.</p><p>But since then, after Felix had learned that his assumptions were incorrect and that Chan was indeed alive and going about his own life in a different country, the terror-filled evenings disappeared. His concern faded away. His peaceful slumber began to return, although he couldn't quite say his heart was peaceful after all that because all his worries were replaced by the gnawing feelings of loneliness and betrayal.</p><p>Back then, after he was discharged from the hospital, his mom always brought him some warm milk before bed. It may have made him embarrassedly feel like a child, but it made him feel like someone cared. He didn't feel as abandoned. He didn't feel as alone. While he may have lost his best friend, with that departure came an opportunity for him to grow closer to his parents and his brother – his real family. And whatever relationship he currently had with his mom, it all started with those evenings when they talked about pretty much anything over a glass of warm milk.</p><p>It was something he always looked for now when he couldn’t sleep, along with the conversations he used to have with her about what her dreams were when she was his age, the uncanny ways Felix resembled his dad when he was a teenager, and how she envisioned Felix as an adult and heir to their rapidly growing company.</p><p>Letting out a deep breath, Felix took his phone from his bedside table and threw the sheets off his legs, slowly making his way out of his room and into the kitchen of the apartment he rented with his brother. If he couldn’t fall asleep right now, maybe he could warm up some milk and give his mother a phone call. After all, it had been quite a while since they last talked given how busy both were with their respective jobs.</p><p>Surprise overtook him when he entered the kitchen and saw his brother working on his laptop at the counter, his own mop of hair a disheveled mess as though he'd just rolled out of bed.</p><p>"Hey."</p><p>"Hey," his brother greeted back, his eyes meeting his brother's for a moment before he refocused his gaze on the document in front of him.</p><p>"Why are you working here in the kitchen?" the younger one asked curiously as he headed to the fridge. "Can't fall asleep too?"</p><p>"More like <em>shouldn't</em> fall asleep." Minho rubbed his eyes. "I'm waiting on the coffee maker."</p><p>"Oh." He frowned. "Lots of work to do?"</p><p>"Always," he responded with a tired smile. "What about you? Can't fall asleep?"</p><p>"No…" His answer trailed off as though he had more to say, but whatever additional comment he had never got verbalized. Instead, he concentrated on the milk that he poured on a mug and wordlessly brought the mug to the microwave.</p><p>"How's your leg?"</p><p>"The swelling has gone down," the honey blonde man said as he surveyed his ankle and knee. "It still feels a little fatigued from overuse, but at least I can walk on it even though it's a little bit shaky."</p><p>"That's good to hear." Minho paused, unsure as to whether he was supposed to say out loud the rest of his statement. Looking back up to his brother, he let it out anyway. "I'm glad Chan was able to carry you both up and down those stairs. You'd probably be way worse if he weren't there."</p><p>"I probably would have skipped the meeting altogether, actually."</p><p>"But you didn't… because of Chan."</p><p>"I know," he said before letting out a small sigh. "I'm… kind of thankful he was there."</p><p>"Kind of?"</p><p>"Fine." He rolled his eyes. "I <em>am</em> thankful he was there."</p><p>"Are you, really now?" Minho teased slyly. "Then what's this drama I'm hearing from your department about you trying to demote him back to his old position? That doesn't sound like something someone thankful would do."</p><p>Felix suppressed a groan and massaged his temples.</p><p>"Must have been something you forgot to tell me about when we went out to dinner earlier this week?" the older one added.</p><p>"That happened before the stairs fiasco. It didn't have anything to do with that."</p><p>"But you're not denying it," Minho noted. "So you <em>did</em> try to demote Chan."</p><p>"It was… it was an honest mistake, okay?" he defended as he got his mug out of the microwave.</p><p>"How is that a mistake?"</p><p>Felix sighed. "I wanted to get rid of him. But I didn't realize that sending him to admin would be a demotion. I totally forgot he came from that department before he started working for marketing."</p><p>"Felix, you have his file."</p><p>"I know. But I don't have his file memorized. I have more than just his team working for me, and I don't know all their backgrounds off the top of my head. Clearly, I didn't look at it to refresh my memory on what was in it either. I just found out when everyone in his team started pointing it out."</p><p>"How were you even able to pull off such a conversation with the entire team? Isn't Chan's employee standing and role in the company a discussion that should only be happening between the two of you?"</p><p>Felix winced as he claimed a seat next to his brother. "It came up during a meeting. I proposed to restructure their team. I wanted to ask for their opinions since we would have been the first acquired office to undergo this type of model if it all worked out."</p><p>"A team re-organization…" Minho repeated in thought. "…that involved getting rid of the team lead."</p><p>"They… would have ceased being a team. It didn't make sense to have a team lead."</p><p>"Felix, you can't restructure their team for no good reason."</p><p>"Isn't their advancement a good reason?"</p><p>"This isn't the time to make changes like that, Lix. The office is too new in the Clé Estates family. We're still trying to merge everything that was previously Miroh into Clé. You'll have to wait until they get absorbed by the headquarters before being able to propose such changes."</p><p>"I know." He set his gaze on his cup of milk. "I was just thinking it would have been a good stepping stone towards the Clé model where everyone is specialized in what they do."</p><p>Minho eyed him from the side. "Is that really all? Is that the only reason you tried to push for this?" he asked, knowing exactly what the answer was. He knew about his motives. He knew about what happened. Chan had told him about what happened that day from his point of view when they met after work on Wednesday. He just wanted to hear it from his own brother.</p><p>Minho tried to suppress a sigh at his brother's non-response. He was slightly disappointed but not at all surprised. Felix usually refused to talk about these kinds of things, even with him. That day he brought up the topic of Chan before they left Sydney was a rare occasion, and it didn't really come up much in their conversations after that even though he'd always been curious because he knew how sensitive his brother was when it came to the older Australian.</p><p>It was no secret that Minho had always sided with Felix. He'd been the one who witnessed Felix's struggles in the absence of his best friend, and what he'd seen was enough for him to think of Chan as a lousy friend. Heck, he'd been against Chan the whole time even before Felix had turned in on him as a result of his disappearance, and if it weren't too insensitive of him at the time, he probably would have even whipped up an 'I told you so' remark back then while Felix wallowed in regret for trusting Chan too much.</p><p>But things change. And while Minho, as an adult, was still wary of Chan just like he was when they were younger, he saw the change in Chan the very first moment his eyes landed on him that day during their all-firm meeting. The once outgoing young man who was the envy of every guy his age because of his apparent perfection in everything he did was but a distant memory, and the lines on his face that once were traces of his endless smiles and laughter were now replaced by lines of anguish and distress.</p><p>One had to look closely to tell the difference. In all fairness to Chan, he was good at masking the fact that he had his own share of burdens to carry over the years. But for someone like Minho who had known him from the beginning – albeit from a distance – he knew the difference, and he recognized the cloud over him the moment he saw him. It was the same cloud he witnessed over the older Australian in the hospital back then, when he constantly kept Felix company after returning from school as a victim to his newfound bullies but kept all of his problems to himself. Quite frankly, what surprised him the most was that Felix did not notice this. It wasn't difficult to miss, especially if you were once familiar with the dimpled teenager who shone like the sun back in high school. Was his younger brother really that blinded by his resentment in Chan to not see this?</p><p>Felix furrowed his brows as he broke eye contact with Minho, taking a sip of his milk instead.</p><p>"Felix, do you have any personal, non-work-related reasons for doing this?" Minho rephrased, sensing the defiance and uneasiness in the freckled man's reaction especially after a few seconds of silence had lapsed.</p><p>The younger man looked at him warily, and Minho simply nodded in understanding. His silence was enough to answer his question.</p><p>"I'm telling you this because I care, Lix. Word is starting to go around the office. The fact that I am not from your department but have heard all about this should be enough proof."</p><p>"Who told you about it?"</p><p>"I heard from some of my employees who are close to some members of Chan's team. They were outraged. You cannot let your personal issues get in the way of work."</p><p>"I'm trying…"</p><p>"Then try harder. You're just starting in the company, Lix. If employees from your department recognize that you tend to pick on people you don't like – for whatever reason you may have – then you're going to lose their trust and you're going to have the reputation of someone who plays favorites. If they find enough evidence, such as these kinds of conversations where you're blatantly being discriminatory against Chan, then they might even report you to HR, and you know that HR will have to forward that information to our headquarters. Mom and Dad will try to keep you in your position, but you know that the Board of Directors could question your credibility if there are complaints about your attitude and leadership ability this early in your career."</p><p>"I just… I just feel like things would be so much easier and simpler if I got rid of him. If he were out of my life. That way, I don't have to constantly battle against myself. That way, I'm not reminded of his betrayal every single frigging day."</p><p>"You think getting him out of your life right now will get rid of that pain you're feeling about your past with him?"</p><p>Felix sighed. "Good grief, Hyung, why do you sound like him?"</p><p>Minho simply shrugged in response, but deep down he knew why. It was because he and Chan had talked all about this, and quite frankly, despite Felix being his own brother, he was a little more sympathetic towards Chan at the moment.</p><p>He wasn't sure what had gotten into him two days ago, but something told him to have a chat with the older man. Before he even realized what he was doing, he was already inviting Chan to an after-work discussion – something he hadn't planned on and didn't know what to expect from.</p><p>Chan was a victim too, he'd learned. Probably more of a victim than Felix ever was. Minho knew that much when he saw Chan go back to school after the incident. He just didn't know that there was more to that.</p><p>He saw the way Chan suffered at the hands of his unforgiving classmates, and that was partly why Minho didn't mind as much back then when he found out that Chan decided to leave the country and start anew.</p><p>He remembered thinking to himself back then that he couldn't help Chan with his bullies anyway. The least he could do was be happy for the guy for being able to find a way out of his circumstances… even though it meant leaving his brother. In fact, he was happy for him at the time even though he wasn't happy at the way his brother suffered the consequences of his departure.</p><p>Looking back now, he realized what a selfish, immature teenager he was, being thankful that with Chan's departure, he no longer had a rival to his brother's attention and love. That with Chan being gone, he was finally no longer going to influence Felix to lead a happy-go-lucky life of finding his dreams when his heirship to his family's company clearly spelled out what the future had in store for him.</p><p>But had he known that Chan did not choose to leave the way he did, had he known that Chan's escape from his bullies led him to homelessness, helplessness, and depression, he probably wouldn't have felt the same way. Yes, he wanted Chan to stop mis-influencing his brother, but he never wished for such circumstances to befall him. He wasn't cruel enough to rejoice in the misfortune of others, and had he known what actually had happened, he probably would have pushed Felix much harder and much earlier to give Chan a chance to explain his side of the story because his prolonged period of anger at the older Australian was founded on baseless, downright incorrect accusations.</p><p>Unfortunately for him, Chan did not give him a chance to finally do something right. Minho was adamant about talking to Felix. He was certain that if only Felix knew what actually happened, then things would get better. But Chan disagreed, insisting that whatever was unresolved between him and the freckled man was to remain between just the two of them.</p><p>
  <em>"I know you and Felix have a good relationship now," Chan reasoned out. "I'm actually happy that that came to be, even if I had to disappear for it to happen."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But Chan—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix doesn't know we're meeting tonight, right?" He waited for Minho to confirm the truth in his statement, which the younger man did. "Then I need you to pretend that none of this happened and that whatever you know now is still something that don't know about."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I can't just forget about everything you told me—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do it for Felix, if not for me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He needs to know the truth."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He will, when the right time comes. I don't want a half-assed forgiveness, Minho. Clearly he's not ready for it. And I don't want him to listen to me simply because you asked him to or simply because he was moved to pity when you told him. He'll come to me and listen on his own terms on his own time."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What if that time never comes? It's been eight years, Chan. You know how angry he still is."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I have faith in him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho sighed. "Meanwhile, as you wait for him, he's just going to keep treating you the same way. I can't just let him be cruel to you, Chan. You know how strict I've always been with my brother. Heck, that's why he hated me back in high school. I've always wanted what's best for him, and right now, living in a lie that's kept him angry all these years is not what's best for him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Him finding out the truth in this way will only hurt him, Minho. You know he doesn't deserve more pain after all this time."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Neither do you. And him treating you the way he does now is only going to continue hurting you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Pain is no stranger to me. What's a few more weeks and months of this when I thought he was dead for eight years?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But Chan."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Minho, the last time I asked you for a favor, you did nothing," Chan said, referring to the time in the hospital where he asked if Minho could clear his name in school. "I'm asking you right now for the same thing. Please don't do anything about this right now. If he comes to me and is willing to give me a chance to speak, then I will tell him everything myself. But until that happens, please pretend like you don't know anything. That's all I ask of you."</em>
</p><p>Minho suppressed a sigh as he listened to his brother, biting his tongue from revealing to Felix what the older Australian had told him a few nights ago. It pained him to essentially lie to Felix. To look him in the eye and pretend he was totally on his side and that he, too, like before, shared Felix's anger over his best friend abandoning him. But he had a promise to keep to someone he should have helped a long time ago. He owed Chan that much. After all, it wasn't his story to tell.</p><p>The blonde man buried his face in the palms of his hands, punctuating his rant with a suppressed groan. "I just want him gone. The sooner, the better—"</p><p>"I don't think that's what you <em>truly </em>want, Felix."</p><p>"I'm so tired of feeling conflicted about him—"</p><p>"Maybe you need to learn to forgive—"</p><p>"—If I don't constantly see things that remind me of him, then I won't have to keep going back to the pain of the past. Maybe then my heart can heal and learn to let go. Maybe then, I could learn to forget."</p><p>"If that's truly how this all works, Felix, if distance and his absence from your life are the solutions to all of this, then were the past eight years not enough for you to heal and forgive? Are eight years too short for such a process? Because if eight years were not enough, then at this rate, you're going to spend the rest of your life feeling the way you do now. How much more time are you going to spend stewing over that anger?"</p><p>"As much as I deny it to myself, I know I have forgiven him somehow, Hyung. But forgiving is different from forgetting, and I can't just forget what he's done, and I don't want to keep getting reminded of the past every single day."</p><p>"Your injury will live with you forever, Felix. It's an injury that you sustained after saving<em> him</em>, and that is something that will always remind you of him and your past. Even if he disappears from your life, your injury will remain with you to remind you of that time."</p><p>Felix looked down, speechless for once. Minho had a point.</p><p>"Look, we don't know why he did what he did. We know the story from our perspective – that one day, all of a sudden, he just ran away. But have you listened to his side of the story? Have you given him a chance to explain?"</p><p>"What difference does that make now?" he muttered.</p><p>"It won't change the past. But that weight on your chest, that heavy load of resentment and bitterness that you're carrying – that's all the difference it can make."</p><p>Felix looked at him suspiciously. "Do you know something I don't?"</p><p>Minho shook his head and looked away. "Why do you ask?"</p><p>"How sure are you that listening to Chan will change the way I feel? How sure are you that whatever he tells me wouldn't add to the heartache he's already caused? How sure are you that he will even tell me the truth?"</p><p>"I cannot be sure, of course," Minho offered with a smile. "But you know I never liked Chan back in high school, Lix. You know I never had faith in him when we were younger. <em>You</em> did."</p><p>"Yeah, that was my mistake. Maybe I should have listened to you back then."</p><p>"If I, who had no faith in Chan back then, am willing to give him a chance now to explain his side, then all the more should you. Does your friendship with him not mean a thing to you anymore? All of the things he's done for you before the accident – don't they mean anything to you anymore?"</p><p>"I'm angry and I'm in pain over all of this<em> precisely </em>because that friendship meant a lot to me, Hyung."</p><p>"Meant," Minho repeated. "In the past tense. But what about now?"</p><p>"I-I don't know…"</p><p>"Look. I know you don't owe him anything, Lix. But you owe it to yourself to finally get answers from him."</p><p>"Why are you siding with him? Why are you pushing me towards him? That's not you, Hyung."</p><p>"I'm not siding with him. You're my brother, and you know that between the two of you, I'd very easily choose you over him in anything. I'm just saying, there are always two sides to the same coin."</p><p>"Yeah, but why are you telling me this all of a sudden? Back then, you easily relented when I refused to talk about him. Even more so when I refused to talk<em> to</em> him."</p><p>Minho had to be quick on his feet. That was true. He usually never meddled with Felix's business with Chan. "Because this had been drawn out for far too long," he explained. "You not wanting to talk about him back then, that's fine – I understood you wanted to forget about him. But then we came here and you ended up working with him. Obviously, you can't avoid him now especially since he works under you. You have been in this position for more than a month now, Lix. You can't push him away forever and you guys can't be in this awkward limbo-like whatever-the-heck-you-even-want-to-call-it kind of relationship just because you have unresolved issues from the past. It's affecting you; it's affecting him. I'm pretty sure it's affecting his team as well. Heck, you yourself have been in this struggle for far too long. After eight frigging years, aren't you tired of it? Part of me just hopes that maybe if you give him a chance to tell you what happened from his end, then maybe… that'll put an end to all this."</p><p>"Again, you have so much faith in him—"</p><p>"I saw his dedication to you before he disappeared. He always visited you in the hospital back then."</p><p>"Yeah, that was until he got tired of it. Until he got tired of waiting for me to wake up. Until he got tired of <em>me</em>."</p><p>"The way he looked at you when he told you to hop on his back the other day tells me he never got tired of you."</p><p>The blonde man couldn't contest that. He knew Minho was telling the truth. He saw that look that his brother spoke of. He was on the receiving end of it. As much as he doubted his former best friend's sincerity in the past, he could not deny the sincerity in those eyes that day. The sincerity of wanting to do something for Felix. Of wanting to help him in any way possible, even if it meant carrying his entire weight on his shoulders for fourteen flights of steps.</p><p>"I'm worried about you, Lix. This extremely cold-hearted person I see in front of me – that's not who you are."</p><p>"That's a lot coming from my cold-hearted brother," he joked lightly.</p><p>"Exactly. That should tell you something, shouldn't it?"</p><p>Felix sighed. "I'll think about it."</p><p>"That's all I ask for. If you're not ready to talk to him, at least give this war a break please? I'm not asking you to be nice to him all of a sudden but just… avoid him and don't actively do anything to hurt him or get rid of him… or his team. Don't be rude, don't be snide. Especially not in front of the other employees. It'll all come back to you in the end, and you don't want to damage your reputation by doing all this just because you assumed things about the past."</p><p>Minho refocused his gaze back on his laptop screen when his brother didn't respond. He knew his brother had a lot to think about, and he wasn't sure whether this conversation was going to help Felix finally fall asleep tonight like he was hoping to after finishing his warm milk.</p><p>Frankly speaking, Minho didn't think he'd fall asleep either as he chewed on the guilt of not disclosing to his brother what he learned the other day. If only he could tell Felix what he actually knew.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Chapter 12</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I tried fitting too much in one chapter, so I'm splitting this one up. Flashback scene will be in this update and the events of the current timeline will be on the next one.</p><p>TW: graphic description of panic attack; medical emergencies</p><p>If you think this might trigger you, do not read anything past the point where Chris' mom shows up to talk to Felix. Stay safe.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>The topic of Chris was a sensitive one to Felix; that much they concluded after the initial evaluation the doctor had with the teenager. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But that was okay, Minho thought to himself. Today's Wednesday and based on the conversation he had with Chris before he left, the older Australian was going to be back in the country today and back by Felix's bedside by tomorrow. Then, Felix would see with his own eyes that Chris was okay and there was nothing at all that he needed to worry about.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Part of Minho felt a little guilty that all of these things have happened without him contacting the older boy like he promised he would, but Minho chose to brush the feeling off rather than listen to it. He could just tell Chris later on that a lot had happened in such a short amount of time and getting in touch with him was the least of his priorities especially seeing how much Felix struggled when he was awake.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It was true anyway. Yesterday was the second time Felix had come into consciousness since the accident, and for the second time, the medical staff had to put him to sleep because his anxiety was putting too much stress on his body than it could handle.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho would be lying if he said that all of this didn't make him bitterly jealous of Chris. Did Chris know how lucky he was to have someone like Felix care for him as much as he did? To have his brother put his needs before his own just to make sure that he was safe and alright?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho could only imagine what it was like. He was never at the receiving end of such love, and whatever scraps of love he managed to reap from his parents, he honestly believed he only gained because he was obedient to them. Obedient to the point of pushing his brother away inadvertently due to his unrelenting disciplinarian attitude. Had he changed all of that, had he acted like Felix did under Chris' influence, would his parents continue to appreciate him for what he was? Would his parents continue to trust him with the things they did?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>For a moment, for just a split-second, he wished he had Chris' life. He wished he knew what it was like to have Felix care for him as much as he did. If their roles were reversed and Minho was the one in Chris' shoes, would Felix have chosen to save him too? Or would he have just watched in paralysis? He knew it was wrong of him to think of such things, and he immediately scolded himself for it as soon as he realized where his thought process was leading him to, but he'd be lying if he said the idea never crossed his mind.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>When Felix woke up again on Wednesday, Minho was the only one in the room and he had to be careful about approaching his brother. The doctor advised them the day before to avoid bringing up topics relating to Chris for now, at least until Felix gets to a point where his emotional instability no longer affected him physically. If Felix is the one who opens up the topic about him, though, then whoever he's talking to would need to pacify him and help him understand that Chris is okay and is going to be back for him soon.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was the part Minho was nervous about. He was never one to appeal to a person's emotional state. He was never one to show softness or sympathy just because the person in front of his was distraught. In most cases, he didn't even know how to respond when these kinds of things happened. That was why he stood there like a statue when his mother broke down upon seeing his brother for the first time in the ICU; that was why he remained in the corner of his room when Felix first woke up and was calling out for Chris.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What made them think he was the best person for Felix to wake up to? That he was going to be able to handle Felix after what happened yesterday?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Thankfully, Felix was calm when he woke up and he wasn't frantically calling his best friend's name like he did the other day. Minho would take that as a good start. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He squeezed his younger brother's hand when he noticed that he was awake, a small smile gracing his features to welcome him back to the land of the living. "Hi," he greeted shortly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix squeezed back in response, uncomfortable to speak back out through the oxygen mask that adorned his face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How are you feeling?" Minho asked as he leaned closer. "Do you want anything? Water maybe?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The freckled boy nodded his head and pulled the mask down using his one free hand that his brother had let go of to get him a glass of water with a straw. He winced as he took a few gulps of water, the liquid's path down his throat making him realize how dry and raw it felt. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He opened his mouth to release the straw and exhaustedly rested his head back on his pillow, his eyes drawing to a close at the comfort of not having to exert any effort in anything. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do you want to nap further? I can let you rest if you want to sleep some more."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know what I want…" he said with his eyes still closed, the oxygen mask simply hovering on his chin area.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Are you in pain? Do you need me to call someone?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I…" He started but took a deep breath in, wincing as the action brought about a certain tenderness on his chest that he forgot he once had been told about, before opening his eyes to meet his brother's. "My head is throbbing but not really in pain. I can barely feel my leg. Is that normal?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They probably gave you a high dose of painkillers. I know that your leg is one of your doctor's main concerns. Dislocated knees are no joke and he said they'd have to be very careful about weaning you off the medication for that because it could really cause you a lot of pain."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix simply nodded as he took in his brother's words. His mind wasn't as jumbled up as it was yesterday, but absorbing the words he was being told and also putting together his own thoughts into actual words still took him a bit longer than normal.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm… I'm really worried about Chris," he said slowly allowing the words to fall in the correct grammatical order.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix." Minho sighed. "Can you not worry about him for once? The guy is alright."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I saw him pass out," he reasoned. "He was… he had blood all over him. I can't help but get worried."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho quirked a brow, almost wanting to discredit his brother's words at the moment. Maybe the anesthesia he was on was too much for his brain. Maybe he was hallucinating. "You saw him passed out? Felix, when was this?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"On the night of the accident."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He drew a sharp breath. "Felix, how is that possible?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I remember what happened that night. I-I remember watching Chris… w-watching him try to revive me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>This was the first time Felix revealed to any of them what it was that he had remembered from the incident other than what they already knew. Minho furrowed his brows in both confusion and concern. "How could that be? Y-you were… I mean… he was reviving you for a reason, Felix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He was reviving me because I was dead," he supplied. "So how is it possible that I saw him. Is that what you're asking?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho fidgeted. The way Felix put it made it hard for him to agree even though that truly was what he meant.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know either," the younger boy continued. "I remember watching him. I remember seeing his desperation and I remember being just as desperate to help him out even though I couldn't do anything."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The older boy remained silent, contemplating on what his brother had just revealed to him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The last thing I remember was him passing out. Th-that's why I'm worried. I want to know what happened to him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He got admitted too for a few days," Minho answered. "But his case wasn't nearly as bad as yours."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Where is he now?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's not here right now, Lix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I can see that. But where is he? I… I want to see him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix felt conflicted. Deep down, he knew that Chris made it out of that ordeal alive. He knew that Chris was in a far better shape than he was. He had a strong feeling that Chris even visited him and spent time with him even though he was in a comatose state and did not respond to anything he ever said or did. But how could he be sure? He didn't remember much. The only vivid scene he could pull out of his memory bank was the scene of the accident. He didn't have any memories of Chris actually being there with him to prove even to just himself that Chris was alive and okay.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He had to leave the country for a few days," Minho explained.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's eyes widened, giving him a slight headache. "W-why? Where'd he go? Is everything okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix, stop worrying yourself. He's okay. I didn't prod for information, but he went with his parents to Seoul for a quick trip."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Seoul? W-when's he coming back? Can I see him when he gets back?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"They fly back to Sydney today. I just don't know what time," Minho explained as he subconsciously looked at the wall clock, noting that more than half of the day had already gone by. "If he doesn't get to visit you today, I'm sure he'll be here tomorrow. He's been visiting you a lot ever since his doctor gave him the okay to leave his own room."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I knew it," Felix whispered to himself as he brought a hand to his chest as though in gratitude and relief. "I knew he visited me at least a couple times."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Y-you… you were aware of his presence?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I guess?" he answered tentatively, although now that he was actually awake and rational, he recognized the vagueness of the answers he held. "I-I don't know. The rest of the things I kind of remember aren't as vivid as what I remember from the night of the accident. I just know that he visited me." He paused as he gathered his thoughts, but the overthinking started to intensify the headache that began a few moments ago. "I remember him talking to me about school, but I don't remember what it was about exactly. Just that I had that… I don't know, I had that intense longing to get back to normal so I could return to school with him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho swallowed a lump in his throat. "You… could have been dreaming?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know," Felix responded as he massaged his temples with his free hand. "It almost feels like a dream now that I'm awake and talking about it. But it felt so real, Minho. It felt super real even though I can't be so sure anymore." He paused in thought, allowing the silence to fall upon them before continuing his thought. "Something in me tells me that I've been watching over him all this time… but I don't remember much other than that. Everything is a blur."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho placed a hand on his forearm to stop him from pressing down on his temples. "Don't think about it too much, Lix. Now that you're awake, you have all the time in the world later on to think about it when you've recovered. But for now, don't stress yourself out too much, okay? I'm pretty sure Chris would hate to cause you any stress in your current condition. We'll just wait for him to visit tomorrow, mkay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix nodded before wearing the oxygen mask properly once again. It definitely helped him breathe more easily especially since he was having a hard time taking deep breaths on his own given his rib injury. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He never said it out loud, but secretly he was really thankful that Minho was there to answer his questions and listen to him. He was also really thankful that Minho for once had put their differences aside and did not reprimand him for all the trouble he had caused by doing for Chris what he did. Judging by their encounters in the past, he totally would have expected to be scolded by his brother for causing their parents misery the entire month that he was out in a coma, but he was glad that Minho met him with a little bit more warmth than he expected. Heaven knew he needed that especially with Chris' absence.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The following day rolled in and Felix couldn't stay still. He told Minho he was going to try to stay awake the whole day so that he could make sure that he could see Chris when he visited. Minho didn't think that that was a good idea given that there was not much that Felix could do in his current state and he'd be better off resting so he could heal properly than tiring himself out. He wasn't really allowed to watch the television or look at electronic devices for long periods of time because of the headaches they triggered, and neither was he in a condition to read a book and fully comprehend what was in it. He fidgeted around incessantly, wanting nothing more than for time to pass and for Chris to finally come.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho tried to keep Felix engaged in conversation to take his mind off his best friend, but he was definitely failing at the task. Every conversation they had always somehow ended on a topic involving Chris, and Minho was starting to lose his patience.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He tried to be very understanding and compassionate – gentle, even, despite all of these not being his trademark characteristics when it came to his brother and his frigging best friend. He tried to answer as many questions as he could about Chris, but no matter how much he told Felix about what the older male had been up to since the accident (with his limited knowledge of the blonde man, that is – although he definitely left out the part about Chris being bullied to keep his brother's anxieties at bay), somehow the questions just never ended.</em>
</p><p><em>Minho wanted to scoff at his brother. All Felix could talk and ask about was Chris as though his personhood was tied to the older Australian. He wanted to get out of that room and slam the door on his brother's face, but not without first pointing out how inconsiderate it was of him to keep asking about Chris when he couldn't even bother to ask Minho how </em>he <em>was doing. How </em>he <em>was holding up in all of this especially given the fact that </em>he <em>was the one stuck taking care of him now while their parents spent their day at work.</em></p><p>
  <em>Thankfully, he managed to hold all his emotions in and extend his patience a little further, and no such outbursts happened that day. To his dismay, though, Chris never showed up either, and that simply pushed Felix on edge.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His younger brother was visibly upset as the day came to a close, not because he stayed up all day waiting for Chris but because he worried about why he must have not visited.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Are you sure he's back today?" he asked his brother for the nth time as he opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's what he told me, Lix," Minho patiently answered also for the nth time. "He said he was going to be gone for three days starting Monday."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"W-why do you think did he not come today?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know," the older one answered as he placed his laptop on the moveable table next to the bed. "Maybe their flight back got delayed. Maybe he'll stop by tomorrow."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Do you think he's okay?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho sighed. "I'm sure he's okay. Felix, I need you to go to sleep now. You really need to catch up on rest and you didn't do a very good job on that today."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I just… I just wanted to make sure I see him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Get some rest, Felix," Minho repeated, this time using his strict brother voice. "If he comes while you're asleep, I promise I will wake you up."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Promise?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wanted to roll his eyes but resisted the urge to. "I said I promise."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix very quickly drifted off to sleep after that, his body – despite being in bed all day – craving for the rest that it desperately needed but did not get. That evening, though, marked the beginning of his nightmares. To say that he was worried about his best friend until he actually could see with his own two eyes that he was okay and free from injuries was a definite understatement, and that concern gradually translated itself into dreams that Felix could not wipe off his subconscious every time he tried to rest.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho had to wake him up an hour after dozing off that night, and while the images in his head quickly vanished as soon as he opened his eyes, he recognized his brother's concerned expression in front of him as he felt the wetness on the sides of his face. Only then had he recognized that he had to be woken up from a nightmare.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As days went on, however, his worry for his best friend continued to grow and his nightmares only intensified. While his medical team initially observed good progress in his overall recovery as they routinely took notes on his vitals and response to medication, such progress stalled within five days of him waking up from his coma, and his doctor was concerned that not only was he not making progress but he was actually getting worse by the day.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix, though normally quiet unless he had questions to ask Minho about the accident or about Chris, had slowly closed in on himself, and even the nurses that regularly checked up on him could detect signs of depression in him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He wanted to get out of the hospital and find Chris. He wanted to know what happened. Part of him told him that he was being lied to. That Minho was lying to him about Chris' departure to Seoul and coming back within three days. The more he thought about it, the more it made sense. Maybe they didn't want him to freak out the same way he did when he first woke up. Maybe because of that, they fabricated a lie that would pacify him, at least temporarily.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>What if the memories from the accident that he thought he recalled were all but just a vivid dream? Minho's expression when he told him about watching Chris revive him told him that he was very skeptical of what Felix said he saw. Felix simply shrugged it off back then and attributed it to the fact that it was very unlikely for him to watch his best friend revive him anyway because, well… as he put it, he was dead. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>But what if he was skeptical because what he remembered was not how things unfolded? What if there was not such a scene? Not one of him being hit by the car in his best friend's place, not one of Chris reviving him, not one of Chris being well enough to try to bring him back to life despite being bloodied himself. What if Chris was hit by the car after all? What if despite his efforts to save Chris from the car, his best friend actually got hit as well?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix shook in horror as his mind ran through all the possibilities. What if Chris got hit by the car and did not make it? What if they were just telling him that Chris was alive and well even though he's not? What if they were just waiting for him to recover well enough to take the tragic news of his friend's passing before actually coming clean to him?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>These thoughts terrorized Felix to no end to a point where his doctor had to decide to give him a sedative so he can finally give his mind and body the rest that they needed. He wasn't doing well, the doctor explained to Minho and his parents, and if he kept on at the rate he was going, he was not going to be able to get out of the hospital on the day they had hoped to release him. Worse than that, he was bound to sustain complications and further put his health at risk. True enough, within a matter of four days since Chris' expected visitation date, Felix's mental exhaustion had taken a toll on his body and his health started deteriorating, leaving him with a fever and constant migraines on Monday.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho deeply regretted that he threw away Chris' contact info in the ripeness of his jealousy the week before. He didn't think he was going to be the one in need of Chris this whole time; he thought Chris was the one who needed something from him. Had he known that things would have evolved the way they did, he would have held onto that card if only so he could reach out to him and give his brother an update as to why he wasn't able to visit. Maybe if he could at least have them talk to each other on the phone, Felix would feel a lot better and would no longer sulk and allow his worries to keep his health from improving.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By the following Wednesday, a week after he woke up and talked to Minho about his concerns regarding Chris, Felix was desperate. He didn't want to sound too needy and whiny, but he begged for Minho to get in touch with Chris for him. He'd do it himself if he had the strength, he told his brother. He'd find him to the ends of the earth if he had to if only he was well enough to travel, he explained. But he was stuck on his bed with a good-for-nothing leg with jelly muscles and aching joints all over his body, and it took everything in him to not scream out of frustration for not getting any news about the blonde Australian.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"P-please, Minho…" he asked as he bit back his tears. "I'm sure someone you know from school has his number. Do it for me just this once, please."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Please, Minho. If my phone didn't get smashed during the accident, I would have been able to contact him by now—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix, stop," he reprimanded, having enough of his week-long agony of having to tolerate conversations that only revolved around his rival for his brother's love and attention. He stood from his seat and the next thing he knew, he was pacing in front of his brother's bed while raising his voice at him. "Can't you just for once stop fucking talking about Chris?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"B-but—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm the one right here with you, okay? I'm the one who's been here with you this whole time. I'm the one caring for you, helping you during your therapy sessions, feeding you, helping you get comfortable. I'm the one giving you whatever it is that you need to nurse yourself back to health. I'm the one trying to ease your worries, and I'm the one trying to be your father, mother, and brother all at the same time while our parents are busy catching up on work because you decided to give your life to that good-for-nothing friend of yours and they had to let go of their responsibilities in the company since then so they can focus on you. I'm the one patiently listening to you, even though all you care to talk about is someone you know I don't trust nor like, and I'm the one who's dedicating all my time taking care of you when I could be doing a whole lot of other things with my life. I'm the one who's here for you day in and day out, and yet all you ever look for is Chris. Chris-this, Chris-that. Felix, am I really not enough for you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix sat there stunned, unable to form a word of response to his brother's rant. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You want him here, I get it. After a week of hearing nothing but that, I fucking get it! But what do you want me to do? Beg for him to come visit you when clearly he doesn't intend to? Get a grip, Lix. I'm not going to force someone to do something he doesn't want to just because you couldn't move on."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"B-but what if something happened to him?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wake. Up. Felix. Nothing happened and nothing's going to happen. Stop sulking, and for once stop making me feel like you'd rather have Chris as your brother when I'm the one doing everything for you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's lips quivered as he tried to process the words his brother told him. Had he really been that inconsiderate? Had he been so ungrateful to his brother? He didn't mean to pass him off as unimportant, as not enough. He was just worried about Chris because of what he thought he'd been through. He didn't mean to hurt his brother in the process.</em>
</p><p><em>Minho instantly regretted his outburst the moment he saw the tears on his brother's face. He didn't want to hurt Felix with his words, but quite frankly, </em>he<em> was the one hurting for days now. He knew his brother was concerned. He knew Felix was worried – heck, he cared for Chris enough to sacrifice his own life for him. But was he really Felix's only reason for living now? Was his world really coming to an end all because the older boy could not visit him?</em></p><p>
  <em>He took a deep breath and tried to gather his composure before speaking up again. He was not going to apologize to his brother because he meant everything that he said. He probably shouldn't have said it the way he did, but what could he do now? His feelings about this whole situation was out of the bag and Felix had to learn to accept that he wasn't the only one stressed out in their current circumstances.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I… I'm sorry," Felix said between sobs. "Minho, I didn't mean to—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It doesn't matter," he huffed. "I know you look up to him more like a brother than me anyway. I get it. I've known that since the first time you introduced him to me. I just… I just wish you didn't rub it in my face every chance you get."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Minho…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Go to sleep, Felix," he ordered as he grabbed his jacket from the couch on the corner of the room. "You need to regain your strength so you can get out of here soon. Maybe then you can try to find Chris yourself."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With that, he left the room and promised to not come back until a few hours later, when he was sure his brother had fallen asleep from exhaustion.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Felix wasn't sure if Minho ended up contacting someone from the Yang family after his outburst yesterday, but he was not expecting to see Chris' mother walk through the door of his hospital room the following afternoon.</em>
</p><p><em>Minho himself seemed quite surprised, so Felix guessed he had nothing to do with the woman's visit. Why would he anyway? He made it pretty clear the day before that he was not going to do anything of the sort. If Chris were to visit, it would be of his own accord and not because someone begged him to. Not because </em>Minho<em> begged him to.</em></p><p>
  <em>They hadn't talked to each other much all day, Felix being extra careful to not upset his caretaker any further and Minho not knowing how to approach his brother after the way that everything he's been bottling up inside just exploded like a firecracker. Minho still did the things he did in previous days, ensuring his brother was getting the movement he had to put in to keep his muscles from atrophying and seeing to it that Felix was eating properly and was comfortable despite his injuries. Felix was thankful. Heaven knew he needed help with everything given his limited mobility, and he didn't know how he'd survive without his brother helping him out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Hi," Mrs. Yang greeted the two of them as she entered the room carrying a vase of flowers with a get well soon card. Felix didn’t immediately recognize her given that he'd only ever seen her in passing once during a school affair that involved both Chris and Jeongin. "Felix, I'm Chris' mom."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His eyes widened with anticipation as soon as she introduced herself and Minho welcomed her into the room, allowing her to come closer to his brother.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"These are for you," she told Felix as she handed the flowers to Minho to place on the table after seeing that Felix's left arm was still wrapped in a bandage. "I'm glad you're finally awake."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Th-thank you," Felix responded, his voice a little raspy from underuse. He looked around expectantly in hopes that his best friend would soon appear behind her by the door. "Is… is Chris with you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Um, no," she answered, the tinge of sadness in her voice evident despite her attempt to give him a reassuring smile. That recognition prompted Felix to swallow a lump in his throat. "That's actually what I came her for… to talk to you about Chris."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How is he?" Felix asked. "Did he get hurt too? I… I heard he went to South Korea with you. Is everything okay? Does he need treatment from outside the country?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix," she uttered with a sigh before moving closer to him. "Oh, Felix. What a pure heart you have to still be so concerned about him even though you've suffered so much because of him. My son does not deserve you for a friend."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"W-what do you mean?" Felix questioned, confusion written all over his face. "What do you mean I suffered…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You wouldn't be in the position you're currently in if you did not save him, my dear," she clarified. "You wouldn't be stuck in this hospital in a coma for so long if it weren't for your heroic act."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I mean… I wouldn't have done things any differently."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She began tearing up. "And yet you're the one who's still worried about him right now."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix looked at Minho confusedly, blinking back the pain he felt when his brother immediately broke eye contact with him. "I… I just want to make sure he's okay."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You don't need to worry about him, sweet one," she clarified. "He's doing okay. I'm sure he's doing more than okay."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So… where is he?" Felix asked, his voice a lot shakier than he wanted it to be. "D-does he know I'm awake? Does he know I'm waiting for him?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She looked down and shook her head. "We went to Seoul last week for a business trip. We offered to take him with us because he had personal matters to deal with over there."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Like what?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She ignored his question and continued. "I… I think he liked Seoul a lot more than Sydney. He liked it enough to choose to live there, Felix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix's brows furrowed and he faltered lightly in his posture. "Oh. J-just like that?!" he asked. "Did he… did he only come back to Sydney to… to pack up his things to move there? Is that why he couldn't come here? H-he… he couldn't say goodbye?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He ran away, Felix," she answered. "He ran away from us during our trip."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix could have sworn that he could feel his heart break upon receiving the news, the emotional toll of the sudden revelation causing his chest to tighten uncomfortably as he tried to piece together what "running away from us" meant.. He knew there was a hole in his heart that was going to remain a void until he saw his best friend in the flesh and confirmed that he was okay, but finding out now that he was an ocean away from him and that there was no telling when exactly he was going to be able to see his best friend again tore whatever was left of his heart into shreds. "Y-you're saying he… he did not come back to Sydney with you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She shook her head as she teared up. "He did not."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Y-you… you flew back without him?!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We had to—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You left him in a foreign country all by himself?" Felix didn't even notice that he started hyperventilating.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We tried looking for him, Felix, but we had obligations to return to. We had no choice. Jeongin was left alone – we couldn't be gone for too long."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"B-but…" he stammered, lips quivering as shallow breaths escaped. "H-how sure are you that he ran away? That he's… he's more than okay? I… I don't…" He sent his brother a pleading look as though there was any difference he could make. "H-he's… he's all alone… He's all alone in a foreign country!"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It was his choice to run away," she answered as she handed her phone to him readily showing a screenshot of a text message. "There was nothing we could do."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix had to squint to read what was on the screen, his sight now clouded by his own tears and his eyes no longer accustomed to looking at bright-screened devices so close to him. Little dots danced around in his vision as he struggled to read and understand the text message.</em>
</p><p><em>'</em>You wouldn't understand now, but I have to do this for myself. Convincing you to take me with you and running away from home – that was all part of the plan. I'm sorry I had to go about it in this way, but at least you're home now. Don't worry about me.'</p><p>
  <em>"He… he sent that message the day after we got back home," Mrs. Yang sobbed in front of the freckled boy who dropped the phone on the bed after reading what the message said.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"H-he…" He looked around and gasped for air. "H-he ran away…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry, Felix," the woman said. "I know you wanted to see him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"H-he…" He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. Tears spilled from his eyes and his throat began to feel like it was constricting.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I didn't think he would do this," she added as she openly cried in front of him. "If I knew, I wouldn't have taken him there."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why…" the young boy simple said, unable to form coherent sentences at his shock. "Why w-would he..."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know he's been having a hard time seeing you in a coma, but… I didn't think he was struggling so much to a point where he'd want to leave everything behind just like that."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wait," Felix mouthed as though in a whisper, unsure if he had the strength in him to verbalize the truth he was just discovering. "He left… because of me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm sorry you had to find out."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"H-he left… me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix," Minho stepped in just in time to catch his brother falter to the side weakly as he uttered incomprehensible words to himself. "I'm sorry but this conversation has to end."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"B-but—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You need to breathe, Felix," he reminded his brother, not even letting the woman get a word in, as he watched the machine next to the bed that neither Felix nor Mrs. Yang even noticed was already emitting an alarming sound.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"M-Minho…" Felix shakily called as he held onto his brother's arm almost as though for dear life while trying to force air into his tightening lungs.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't think he's ready for this kind of conversation," Minho told Mrs. Yang with a reprimanding gaze. "Please save this discussion for another day."</em>
</p><p><em>"I-I just wanted to let him know</em> <em>—</em> <em>"</em></p><p>
  <em>"He doesn't need to know anything right now if it's going to cause him this much distress," the older male hissed, not even noticing the harshness in his tone.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"M-Min…" the freckled boy called out in a wheeze. "I-I can't breathe."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Get a nurse!" he told Mrs. Yang in panic as he looked at his brother's pale face.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"M-min...ho…" He gasped painfully as tears rolled to the sides of his face. "Chris… left me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Shhh." The older boy cupped his brother's cheeks and gently wiped away the tears that fell while fearful tears of his own started to form at his eyes too. He hated seeing his brother suffer like this. "He'll be back, Lix. He'll be back for you, I promise."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix cried even more at that, which prompted more wheezes to escape from his lips. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The pain that he felt was indescribable. It wasn't just emotional; it actually manifested physically in him and it convinced him at the moment that he could die of the pain that he suddenly felt.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>There were a lot of things that were hazy in his memory given the brain injury that he sustained from the accident – including everything that was going on at the moment – but there were also a few events that remained etched in his memory, and watching them replay all over in his mind brought him back to those events as though he were living it then and there.</em>
</p><p>He vividly remembered a conversation he had with Chris in school. They were at lunch break at the time, quietly seated in one corner of the library while Chris taught him basic Korean phrases.</p><p>"I really want to go back to Seoul one day," he remembered Chris telling him dreamingly. "The last time I was there, I was still a little kid. Too young to really appreciate the culture that we came from."</p><p>"Take me with you, Hyung," Felix said. "I want to visit too, but I'd want to go with someone like you."</p><p>"What about your family? Do you not want to go there with them so they can take you to the houses of your great grandparents and see where your roots are from?"</p><p>He shook his head. "They only ever go there for business meetings with clients. Not for a vacation. Not to introduce me and Minho to our culture. Why do you think have I not known any Korean phrases until I met you?"</p><p>"That's unfortunate," Chris said, "but I'm sure you'll love it there. It's very different. The culture is very rich. Maybe one day we'll get to visit."</p><p>"When we're adults?" Felix asked. "Airfare is expensive. I don't know if I'll be able to save up for it as a teenager."</p><p>"When we're adults," Chris agreed. "We'll have to prioritize our responsibilities first. Save the fun for later as a prize for being persevering and hardworking students in high school and college."</p><p>"That sounds fair to me. It'll be a huge trip after all, if we go."</p><p>"Mhm."</p><p>"Promise me you won't go there without me, Hyung."</p><p>Chris let out his trademark giggle behind his dimpled smile and playfully slapped Felix on the arm. "What do you think of me? You really think I'd do that?"</p><p>Felix shrugged. "I don't know."</p><p>"Of course not!" the blonde teenager exclaimed. "I'm not going to do that. Especially not when we've already made plans like this! You know I'm never ever, <em>ever </em>going to leave you behind. That's true for both life in general and in our grown up vacays."</p><p>"Promise?"</p><p>Chris pulled him for a tight side hug. "Promise. Besides, where's the fun in going there all by myself? You know I'd need you there with me to share in the fun."</p><p>Felix remembered the way they sketched out a little calendar to plan out what they would have done in that Seoul getaway had they had the chance to do it right then. They gathered information on touristy spots that they wanted to see, food they wanted to try, experiences they wanted to live through. They planned what time of the year it would be nice to visit. What kinds of activities they were willing to compromise on.</p><p>Felix remembered the way Chris giggled at his poor pronunciation. The way he himself giggled once he understood how words were supposed to be said in contrast to the way he initially said them with his thick accent. He remembered being shushed by the librarian twice that day because they were filled with excitement about what the future held. About what kinds of lives they led as adults and what kinds of trips they made to give them a break from the world they lived in.</p><p>
  <em>Felix remembered everything so clearly, and if not for the gentle taps of his brother on his cheeks, he would have stayed in that daydream forever to give himself the illusion that Chris was indeed still with him. That Chris was not going to be the one to abandon him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered the disappointment of realizing it was all just a memory. He remembered being unable to control his tears, and then being unable to control the swirling in his chest that made him hold onto his brother even tighter. The swirling came too quickly and too intensely that it almost made him want to throw up. The pain that he felt was taking over him in a way he didn't think was possible, and for a split second he could have sworn that the pain had caused his body to have a mind of its own because it did things that he himself didn't even want to allow.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered the struggle to breathe, the air being absent from his lungs that same way his best friend was absent from his life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered the tightness in his chest, the gradual constriction causing him to tighten his death grip on his brother's now-scratched up arms.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered clutching his chest in panic the moment his heart seemed to beat out of rhythmic control against the ribs that he'd been very careful of not injuring again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered clawing at his neck as he tried to grasp for breath, desperately trying to lift his head up as though he was underwater and being brought deep down by the intense waves of his emotions.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered hearing frantic voices screaming against the now-deafening sound of the machines, seeing more people in the background behind the face of his brother that he tried so desperately to focus on but couldn't.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>By now Minho was shouting something at him in panic, but the words were lost to him as he didn't have the mental capacity to make sense of anything and everything that was going on.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It reminded him of the way Minho screamed at him yesterday. Of the pain that he had selfishly inflicted on his brother – the one person who was constantly there for him despite being tired and stressed and unable to sleep on the uncomfortable cot in his hospital room. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He knew that this was not the life Minho would have chosen for himself. Minho was smart and ambitious; diligent and a go-getter. Confining him to a role of a caretaker was not what he deserved, but Felix was sure that he did it because he was a very obedient son and he knew his parents could no longer afford to spend more time outside work caring for him. If Minho had a choice, Felix was sure he'd leave in a split second and let him wallow in his own misery. Minho was never one to listen or partake in an emotion-filled conversation anyway, much like the ones Felix could only hold at the moment given his depressed state.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix wondered how his parents would react if they found out about all that was going on right now. About the way he allowed his emotions to cloud his entire mental capacity to a point where he'd put his own life at risk. He could imagine the disappointed looks on their faces. He could already hear them say, 'We've already lost a fortune on all your hospital bills. Can you really not get your act together and man up for once instead of crying like a child?'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>With the way he inadvertently pushed away both Minho and his parents by being himself, he knew he only had one person he could turn to. Someone who understood him perfectly: Chris. He was his home. He was the one person who'd never scream at him or call him a disappointment just because he chose to listen to his heart. But now that Chris left him too, what was he to do? His future just seemed so depressingly bleak. So hopelessly lonely. So tragically empty.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The thought alone made him want to scream, but he had no voice to use, no energy to expend, no air to push out of his lungs even if he wanted to.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The incomprehensible screaming voice that he heard from the background was soon replaced by unfamiliar voices. He remembered being pulled away from his brother despite his death grip on him and being surrounded by people he did not recognize. He remembered being lightheaded and feeling simultaneously hot and cold, his clammy, shaky hands reaching out for anything he could hold onto but couldn't. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered hearing someone call for oxygen, another ordering to begin chest compressions. The words 'cardiac arrest' were thrown into the mix but his foggy mind did not grasp the fact that all of these words had something to with his current predicament. He didn't even have the mental capacity to dissect what any of them meant, feeling as though the medical jargon were thrown his way as a means of distracting him from his current concerns: his best friend.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered looking around, trying to focus on anything that wasn't either blurry or spinning out of control. He remembered being unable to find any such thing and frantically continuing to look around until all he could see through his tear-filled eyes was the ceiling that slowly started to turn dim as though a dark veil was falling over the lens of his vision.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He remembered being brought to a lying position and wanting to protest because it only made breathing more difficult. He remembered cold air being pushed towards his airway but not really helping with his labored breathing. He remembered someone towering over him and pushing down on his chest, making him want to cry out in pain as he felt the ribs that once were close to healing painfully crack underneath the pressure all over again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The weight that he felt on his chest was nothing like he felt before, but it did not go amiss that what he felt now was exactly what he would have felt on the night of the accident had he not mysteriously been transported out of his own body while Chris tried to save his life.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then it dawned on him. Just as much as Chris was the reason he lived a month ago, Chris was also the very reason he was now once again losing grip on his life. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still, if this was his last moment on earth, all Felix wanted to do was to find out about his best friend's motives for choosing to go away. Had Chris had enough of him? Had Chris realized how much of a liability he was? Was it really all that painful having to care for a comatose version of himself that Chris had to choose a different path in life altogether just so he could escape the reality that unfolded before him?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As he struggled to keep his consciousness, his body spasmed under the compressions he was being given and his eyes rolled to the back of his head. The last thing he remembered before giving in to the darkness was one question that gnawed at him from the depths of his erratic heart—</em>
</p><p>Chris, what have I done to make you want to leave me all alone?</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you skipped the last half of the chapter, basically, Chris' mom visited Felix to tell him that Chris ran away from home because of Felix, and this caused the poor boy to go into a full-blown panic attack that eventually led to cardiac arrest…</p><p>Oops? </p><p>I'll let you decide on who's more evil: Mrs. Yang for manipulating the story like that, or me for writing the story in this way in the first place. Haha.</p><p>Hope you're all well. Comments and kudos are much appreciated. See you in two weeks!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Chapter 13</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW: mentions of anxiety (nothing graphic this time, I promise!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix's muscles tensed up as he recalled the day his heart literally stopped beating at the news of his best friend's departure eight years ago.</p>
<p>It wasn't the first time he recounted the events of that day, but just as it was the case in all other instances where that particular memory was triggered, the experience felt just as fresh and raw as though everything had just happened yesterday. He shuddered at the memory while trying to hide the sudden discomfort that ran through his veins. The culprit stared back at him tauntingly, as though sneering at him for being so easily triggered.</p>
<p>In front of him was a flyer that wasn't there before, tacked on their kitchen's community board next to others that his co-workers have posted in the last couple of days regarding various events and items for sale, almost like a classified ads section of the morning paper except it was exclusively maintained by and for the benefit of the employees of their department. It was a little wall in one of the common areas in the office, a corner that was never empty and that people always leisurely looked at while waiting for the microwave or the coffee machine, including Felix.</p>
<p>This particular flyer caught his eye, printed in an artsy stationery paper with colors that made it stand out among the rest of the posters and ads on the wall despite it not being up front and center but rather posted towards the edge of the board.</p>
<p>"<strong>3RACHA Presents: The Heart of the Matter</strong>," it read in bold caps with stencil-like typeface at the center of the page. Below it was a subtitle, written in a slightly smaller and lighter font: "Stories and Songs from A Beating Heart"</p>
<p>Felix swallowed a lump in his throat. There was something particularly triggering in this title, although Felix couldn't pinpoint exactly why he was reacting to it the way that he was. It wasn't like this was the first time he'd encountered the word 'heart' or 'heartbeat' since the day his heart stopped beating, and it wasn't like he was ever sensitive to those particular words whenever he heard them in passing or whenever they're mentioned in a conversation.</p>
<p>Somehow, though, something about the ad in front of him immediately reminded him of what happened eight years ago, and he had to wonder why all of a sudden, the raw memories of that specific day started flooding his mind when he did not even know who or what 3RACHA was or why he was even looking at the frigging poster.</p>
<p>From what he could gather, it looked like an ad for an event. A showcase maybe, he derived after seeing the name of a restaurant bar at the bottom. Below it was the date and time: October 3rd, 8pm.</p>
<p><em>Chan's birthday, </em>he thought to himself immediately.</p>
<p>He shook his head and tried to ignore the little piece of information he suddenly remembered as though on autopilot. He hadn't celebrated that day the past eight years and yet he still knew the significance of that day like the back of his hand: it was the day his best friend was brought into this world, a day he used to celebrate more than the celebrant himself. A day where he took every opportunity he could to show his best friend how grateful he was to be part of his world.</p>
<p>To be honest, all things considered, despite everything that had happened between them, Felix was still thankful for having met Chan during his lifetime – even though they were no longer in as good terms now as they were in the past. Although he knew it was no longer obvious, deep down he cherished all the moments he shared with his best friend in high school, and part of him wished forgetting everything that had transpired after the talent show was possible – even if it meant he'd be living in a lie.</p>
<p>He'd be the first to admit that he wished countless times before that he'd woken up from the accident with amnesia. That way, he wouldn't have remembered all the things that once were good in his life that no longer were. That way, he wouldn't have noticed the gaping hole in his life that once was filled by the presence of the formerly blonde Australian. But such was not the case and instead he had to live with the questions that never got truthfully answered, the pain that never subsided, the emptiness that he couldn't ignore.</p>
<p>But with those came the reminder that at least once upon a time, he had someone in his life who gave him the unapologetic acceptance he so desperately needed, the unconditional love that he desperately craved. That was somehow enough to keep him going, even though it was very bittersweet for him to realize how short-lived his joy could be.</p>
<p>He'd been thinking a lot over the past two weeks. Ever since he had his talk with Minho, he'd come to realize that if he were being perfectly honest with himself, he actually had already forgiven Chan for his departure all those years ago. After all, what's done is done, and while it was initially tough living a life without his best friend, he'd learned to become a more mature and diligent person because of it.</p>
<p>Opening himself up to the older man, however, was a different topic – a more difficult endeavor and a tougher thing to undertake considering all the years' worth of practice he's had at building bricks to protect his ever-trusting, touch-starved, lonely heart.</p>
<p>It came to him as a challenge – being okay with Chan's presence. He would be the first to admit that he struggled a lot in the beginning as he had to undo the habit he'd developed in the past almost-two months of guarding himself so securely from the older man to a point where he allowed himself to be rude or inconsiderate so long as it kept him from wanting to run back into the comfort of the old friendship they once shared.</p>
<p>Nonetheless, he tried his hardest to be more conscious of his words and actions, and even though it was very difficult for him to not let his snide remarks roll off his tongue without thought, he recognized that minimal progress was still progress nonetheless. It has been two weeks since the piggyback ride incident at their client's office and not once had he clashed with Chan since. Part of it was perhaps due to the fact that Chan avoided him like the plague after the day he begged for the older male to get out of his life (with the exception of the day at the client site, that is). Part of it was due to the conversation he had with Minho, where the latter reminded him that, contrary to what appeared to be the case, between the two of them, Felix was the one who should have some remaining faith in Chan, not Minho.</p>
<p>His older brother had a point. Felix could still remember how much Minho hated Chan's guts back then in high school, and the fact that he was somewhat defending the older Australian now made him take a step back and re-evaluate whether or not he was going past his boundaries. Minho was also right – going on a ceasefire with Chan did not necessarily mean that Felix had to force himself to be best friends with Chan again; it just meant he should stop going out of his way to make Chan's life miserable just because he can. Especially now that Chan had shown him that he still cared for him like a brother even after all the things he's done in the past two months.</p>
<p>Before he could get further lost in thought, the coffee machine beeped, reminding him of the reason he was in the kitchen in the first place. Peeling his eyes off the flyer, he turned towards the machine to grab his mug, making his way towards his office to prepare for a meeting.</p>
<p>"Chan," he heard one of the employees from a different team call out loud from her desk. "I'm looking forward to the show. I'm taking my boyfriend with me; he'll be thrilled to see you perform!"</p>
<p>Felix looked at Chan, catching the genuine happiness that reduced his eyes to horizontal slits upon hearing such a comment. The freckled manager looked back at the employee curiously. "Show?" he asked with apparent interest.</p>
<p>"Oh, yeah!" she said excitedly as she pulled a copy of the flyer from her desk and stood to hand it over to him, obviously oblivious to the tension surrounding the manager and team lead since the beginning. Felix looked at the paper and realized it was the same flyer he saw in the kitchen not too long ago, the one he somehow felt a weird connection to. "Manager Lee, you should check them out too. They are so good!"</p>
<p>"Oh, this…" He looked back up in surprise. "This is Chan's?"</p>
<p>"Jisung was the one who put it up on the board, actually," Seungmin interjected, knowing that Chan might get in trouble again if Felix realized he had anything to do with it. He watched Jisung's eyes widen in fear and bit back a small smile at how his coworker reacted upon his name being brought into the conversation. He looked like a squirrel caught off guard.</p>
<p>Seungmin didn't want to throw Jisung under the bus because there really wasn't anything wrong with posting a flyer on the community board, but he thought it might be the safest thing to do for now to maintain the peace in their team that began two weeks ago. After all, he knew that Felix was more tolerant of Jisung than he was with Chan… even though they both have had a taste of his wrath back then when he found out they lived under the same apartment.</p>
<p>"Jisung?" Felix asked, slight confusion knitting his brows together.</p>
<p>"He's in 3RACHA with Chan," Seungmin clarified. "They make lots of music together."</p>
<p>"O-oh," he simply said with a nod as he gave the flyer back to the female employee, noting with a quick glance the details of the event for future reference.</p>
<p>"You should give their stuff a listen. They're so good!" the employee gushed before turning to Chan. "Don't you have those little cards that has your links and stuff? Give Manager Lee a copy so he can check out your music too!"</p>
<p>Chan smiled nervously, unsure as to how he should handle the situation. The answer to the question was a definite yes; in fact, he kept a bunch of copies of those 3RACHA cards next to his box of work business cards in his drawer. But did he really want to hand one out to Felix? Did he really want to make eye contact with the younger Australian, or worse, risk being told yet again that he was wasting his boss' precious time? Sure, Felix had not been rude to him in the past two weeks, but it wasn't like they were in perfectly good terms either. Besides, he didn't want to put Felix in a spot where he had to say yes to accepting a copy of the card just to show the other employees that they didn't have a personal issue going on under the table. He'd very much rather avoid looping him into this conversation if at all possible.</p>
<p>Meanwhile, even though he tried to not make it obvious, Felix was actually really curious now. He didn't know that Chan continued making music on the side, although he really shouldn't have been surprised. Track-making had always been Chan's favorite pastime even back in high school, and while he was slightly envious that Chan managed to keep his hobby all these years, he was, in the slightest sense, happy for him that he still got to live out his dream of making music as an adult, albeit not as a full-time career.</p>
<p>"I'd like to get a copy," the manager confirmed upon seeing Chan's hesitation, and the latter wordlessly handed him a card, a small smile tugging on the corners of his lips.</p>
<p>"Yo, CB-nine-seven, J-one!" another employee from another department walked into the room before Felix or Chan could say anything. "I heard you got yourselves another gig!"</p>
<p>Jisung smiled as he tore his nervous gaze away from Felix and towards the other employee. "Yeah, we did. It's four weeks from now. Changbin Hyung is so good at getting us booked with new venues, and we're excited for this one since we didn't think it was going to happen."</p>
<p>"Congrats, you guys! I know it'll be an awesome show just like your others."</p>
<p>"Thank you," Chan smiled. "Are you coming?"</p>
<p>"Are you kidding me? I've been to all of your shows and I'm not planning on missing my first one next month. It's already on my calendar. Of course I'm coming!"</p>
<p>Felix felt a little scratch in his throat and tried to clear it lightly, unintentionally taking the attention of the other people in the room.</p>
<p>"Oh, Manager Lee," the employee said with a bow. "Sorry, I didn't notice you there. Good morning."</p>
<p>Felix smiled in response, slightly embarrassed to have pulled everyone's attention to himself. That definitely was not his intention. "It's okay. Don't worry about it. Good morning to you too," he responded, before excusing himself from the rest of the conversation. He wasn't even planning on chatting with anyone this morning to begin with if not for his eavesdropping on his employees' conversations as he passed by the area.</p>
<p>Awkwardly, he resumed his walk back to his office but not without meeting Chan's gaze for a split second before the older one tried to distract himself with the conversation going on between Jisung and the other employee. Felix didn't want to overthink anymore, but he was pretty sure he could read uncertainty in Chan's eyes during that very brief moment. It was probably a manifestation of his confusion as to why the manager did not lash out on him again like he used to; after all, he always had something rude to say back then when Chan was involved in non-work-related conversations.</p>
<p>To be honest, Felix was a little surprised too that it didn't take much for him to not say something to try to bring Chan down again in front of everyone. If he were the same person he was two weeks ago, he probably would have found something to say at this point to remind Chan that while he was out here living his dream of becoming somewhat a musician, someone had to give up his dream of becoming a dancer just to make that possible.</p>
<p>He felt it in the depths of his chest – the bitterness and all – but not to an extent that he had to say anything out loud about it, and not to a point where he had to bite his tongue back just to keep it all in. The feeling just sat there briefly, but it wasn't something he allowed himself to simmer on. He acknowledged it deep within and moved on, and now he was wondering what exactly in him had changed and how and why one piggyback ride from his former best friend changed everything for him.</p>
<p>He entered his office and set his mug down on the table before positioning himself at just the right angle to take a seat behind his desk. He had a long day ahead of him, and if he wanted to be productive before his back-to-back meetings, he had to focus on the work he had to do.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, his mind was absolutely not where he needed it to be. It should have been focused on the plethora of emails that came into his inbox overnight. It should have been focused on the notes scribbled on a sticky note that he told himself earlier he'd incorporate on his slide deck for this morning's presentation.</p>
<p>Instead his mind was on a certain flyer. A certain event. A certain card from someone who used to mean a lot to him.</p>
<p>"Yeah, some of the songs on the show have never been posted online. This will be the first time you'll hear them," he heard Jisung say outside, piquing his interest. "Some of them were actually written by Chan Hyung."</p>
<p>"No way," the other guy said, "Chan, you do lyrics too? I thought only Changbin and Jisung wrote lyrics and you did the tracks."</p>
<p>"I have a couple where I contribute to the lyrics," he admitted abashedly. "But that's more of their forte than mine. My stuff just kind of happens when there's inspiration to pull from."</p>
<p>"Hence the name of the show," Jisung added with a grin.</p>
<p>Felix didn't want to make things all about him, but part of him quietly wondered whether any of Chan's songs were about him. After all, he was aware of how much grief he's caused the older man over the past couple of months. It made him want to listen to his music. It made him want to uncover what really went on in Chan's mind every time he pushed him away and told him to get lost. It made him want to know what truly ran inside Chan's head.</p>
<p>Felix had just recently realized that Chan had been nothing but patient and understanding with him. Even when he didn't want to hear him out or understand him himself. Felix had to wonder how real Chan was with him during the times he tried to test his boundaries with the older man. If he truly was just naturally even-tempered when it came to him, or if he only appeared to be nice to him because he was the boss and as subordinate, Chan had to be calm and composed while he was at work.</p>
<p>He also noticed that Chan had been keeping his distance from him lately – even more so than he used to back when Felix still openly treated him like dirt. Back then, Chan would still initiate conversations with him and would try to get any opportunity he could grab to make Felix understand what went on with his life eight years ago when he had to disappear. Lately, that wasn't the case. Whatever effort he'd put into trying to convince Felix he didn't want to leave back then, he'd now put into trying to stay clear of Felix's path. He didn't look him in the eye; he didn't talk to him outside of very specific work-related conversations. It almost seemed as though he wanted to be incognito around Felix. As though he wanted to be completely invisible around the freckled man.</p>
<p>The thought made Felix sadder than he cared to admit. In hindsight, he should have been thankful that Chan was finally giving him the space he said he wanted. But now that he got what he asked for, he realized that it wasn't what he needed and it wasn't what would bring happiness back to his life. Unfortunately for him, he wasn't sure whether there was still anything he could do to bring things back to the way they were. Chan had already asked him countless times to listen; he always refused. Now he avoided him at all costs, and he really couldn't blame Chan if he'd finally had enough of his poor treatment and had decided to give up on the friendship they once had.</p>
<p>He missed the way Chan showed him how he genuinely cared. The way he asked Felix if he was okay during the random bouts of coughing fits he'd have in his office. The way he insisted at every opportunity that came up that he never intended to leave back then. The way he tried to be flexible with his schedule just to be able to meet with the manager regarding particular projects that he humbly admitted he needed guidance on. The way he greeted him in the elevator when they happened to arrive work at the exact same time.</p>
<p>Instead, these days, Chan wore headphones at work and therefore never heard when Felix had coughing fits. He avoided all kinds of conversations with him, and even though they had to talk to each other during work-related meetings, Chan kept his remarks very brief and to the point, directing his comments to the group instead of the manager who usually was the one who prodded for his thoughts. He avoided meeting directly with Felix for projects, settling instead with emailed memos to give the manager updates on his projects rather than waiting for their usual designated check-in time. At the elevators, whenever Chan saw Felix heading towards the same direction, he'd step out and let the younger man take a ride to their floor by himself, effectively giving him the space he needed, even though Chan was the first one to get in.</p>
<p>Felix really should be happy by now for finally getting what he wanted. Instead, he started to resent himself for pushing his former best friend away.</p>
<p>He looked out his ajar office door and saw Chan laughing at a joke that Jisung made, his squeaky breathless giggles immediately bringing a small smile on Felix's face without him even knowing. He hadn't heard that laugh in so long. So long that he almost forgot it existed.</p>
<p>Back then, he only ever heard Chan laugh like that during rare occasions. While they shared a lot of fun times and laughed to themselves at their foolishness during their immature teenage years, he very rarely laughed to a point where one would wonder if he was still breathing. Even then, back then, it was only Felix who could elicit such kind of laughter from him. No one else was able to see that side of Chan. Until now, that is.</p>
<p>In the days that followed, Felix couldn't help but silently watch his former best friend's interactions with other people through his office window. From a distance, it may have looked like he didn't care about what was going on outside his door, but to the contrary, it almost felt like he paid more attention to Chan than his own work.</p>
<p>He noted the way Chan genuinely smiled at his teammates. The kind of smile that used to be only for him.</p>
<p>He noted the way Chan acted as a hyung to everyone around him, selflessly giving them his time and his knowledge even on stressful days when he, too, had a lot on his plate and was bombarded by countless deadlines to meet. It reminded Felix of the way Chan tutored him back in high school to help save the freckled boy's failing grades even though Chan himself had exams the following day that he needed to study for.</p>
<p>At lunch, he noted the way Chan shared his food with those around him, telling them about a new fusion recipe he tried that involved a traditional Korean dish that his teammates would have been familiar of. It wasn't different from the way he introduced Korean cuisine to Felix back in high school, where he'd explain to the younger boy what was distinct about the tteokbokki he brought with him that day or why his ramen had cheese and egg in it.</p>
<p>He noted the way Chan always reminded Jisung to eat well. "Look at you. You're so skinny," he overheard the older man say at the kitchen one day. "Just because you don't live with me anymore, doesn't mean I can't feed you anymore. Here," Chan said to Jisung as he handed a container to him, "have this."</p>
<p>"But Hyuuuung," Jisung then protested, much like the same way Felix did before when Chan used to scold him for wanting to skip lunch just to lose some weight.</p>
<p>"No buts, Sungie," Chan reprimanded, and Felix could very well predict what would come out of Chan's mouth after that. He knew his reasoning by heart. He once was at the receiving end of it, and it was a statement that would forever be etched in the depths of his soul no matter how angry he ever became at his best friend. "If you're not going to take care of yourself, then I will."</p>
<p>Felix blinked back the tears that suddenly formed at his eyes when he heard Chan say those words, remembering how deeply touched he was back then when Chan first said that to him with the most genuine love and care he'd ever felt in his life. He longed to hear those words directed at him again, but he knew he was too late. Things were different now, and even though he wanted Chan back in his life, it seemed like Chan had already finally given up on him.</p>
<p><em>Can't blame him though</em>, he reminded himself. <em>You were the one who pushed him away.</em></p>
<p>That same evening, Felix noted how Chan stayed way past his clock-out time to help Jisung with his projects. They camped out at their desks, which were conveniently next to each other, and each of them focused on the portion of the project they agreed to take on, but not without mental breaks that were filled with jokes, laughter, and every non-work-related conversation under the moon that gave them a reprieve from the exhaustion their minds felt at the huge task they had to complete. It was very similar to the way Chan suggested they take short breaks during their weekend tutoring sessions to allow Felix to relax a little and rest his tired mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>"You don't need to cram them all in your brain at once," Chan calmly told him back then to ease his worries about passing one of his tests. "That'll only frustrate you even more and give you a massive headache. You wouldn't want both." He flashed his most patient, understanding smile. "We'll go through the topics at a pace that works for you so we can make sure you've got the foundations down before we move on to the more complicated items."</em>
</p>
<p>"Manager Lee?" A soft voice pulled him away from his daydream and he immediately looked up at the direction the sound was coming from, realizing that Jisung had snuck his head into his office with a confused look on his face. "We didn't know you're still here. It's been very quiet in the office so we didn't know you were still working."</p>
<p>"Oh." He cleared his throat, refusing to admit that he cancelled his plans for the evening when he realized Chan and Jisung were planning on staying late to finish up a project tonight. "Y-yeah. There's lots to do still."</p>
<p>"Um…" Jisung looked around hesitantly before continuing. "Uh, Team Leader Chan is ordering dinner for the two of us. Do you want anything? It's past dinnertime."</p>
<p>He shook his head, reminiscing about the times when Chan treated him out to lunch – and sometimes dinner – when their tutoring sessions lasted longer than they expected. He always apologized for being a burden to Chan back then, adding that since he was the one who owed Chan a favor for his free tutoring services, he should be the one to treat Chan to a meal. The older one always shrugged it off with a small laugh before reminding Felix that as hyung, it was his duty to take care of him.</p>
<p>"Manager Lee?"</p>
<p>Jisung's voice once again pulled him back to reality, and he had to wonder how weird he must have appeared to the employee, responding to his question with nothing but a bittersweet smile on his face. "Um." He cleared his throat awkwardly. "No, I'm alright. Thanks."</p>
<p>To say that he spent the weekend stewing over his jealousy regarding Chan's friendship with Jisung would have been an understatement. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to waste his energy thinking about things he couldn't change – things that didn't even pertain directly to him – but it bothered him to no end.</p>
<p>When he tried to write a memo regarding a prospective client, all he could think of was the way Chan helped Jisung the way he used to help him with his schoolwork. When he tried to put together his slides for a presentation, all he could think of was the way Chan helped Jisung practice for a presentation in the office after everyone in their team had gone for the day.</p>
<p>When he made his lunch, he remembered the ways in which Chan waited for Jisung to be at a good stopping point so they could eat lunch together. When he went to bed, he thought about the way Jisung and Chan synchronously yawned that one night in the office that made them both fall into a fit of laughter.</p>
<p>Everything that they used to do, talk about, and laugh at together were now things that gave Chan a special bond with Jisung. It almost felt as though Chan had replaced him with Jisung. As though Chan had completely moved on from their friendship and no longer had that sadness and regret about everything in the past that he used to talk about.</p>
<p>Either that, or he was perfect at hiding the pain he felt because from Felix's point of view, it seemed as though Chan didn't need him in his life anymore. As though Chan had finally accepted that they were never going to make amends with each other and simply shrugged it off and moved on. He hated the idea, but there wasn't much he thought he could do. He couldn't force Chan to accept him once again the same way he couldn't force him to stay in Sydney back then. Felix sighed at his thoughts. Maybe it was his turn to try to accept things for the way they were now.</p>
<p>On Monday morning, Felix was surprised to hear a knock on his door so early. As far as he knew, no one else was in the office yet. He looked up and saw Chan at his doorway.</p>
<p>"Manager Lee, do you have a few minutes?" the older man asked hesitantly. "Can we talk?"</p>
<p>Felix straightened in his seat and cleared his throat, motioning for his guest to enter and take a seat. Unsure as to how to proceed, he cleared his throat once more. This was the one rare occasion in the past two weeks or so that Chan had initiated a conversation with him. Something must have come up.</p>
<p>"I'll keep this short so I don't waste your time," Chan started as he sat in front of the manager. "I um… about the Bright Hill presentation tomorrow…"</p>
<p>Felix looked at him confusedly. That was a project that he assigned to Jisung, not Chan.</p>
<p>"Can I do it instead of Jisung?"</p>
<p>The blonde man stared back in silence, wondering if the older male would give an explanation as to why he wanted to change up the program this late in the game. "Why?" he asked when Chan simply looked at him expectantly for an answer.</p>
<p>"It's just… it's really stressing Jisung out. I know we already talked about this before, but…" Chan trailed off, hoping for the most persuasive words to appear out of thin air to finish his sentence for him.</p>
<p>They didn't.</p>
<p>The Bright Hill project was a big one that was brought to their team's attention roughly two weeks ago, back when Chan was seriously considering submitting his resignation letter. The project was an important one, and securing this account for the firm would have meant a great deal on their local reputation. It was big enough for Chan to be the only person the higher ups were willing to give it to, knowing from his prior projects how well he could put together presentations that would get their prospective clients in the door.</p>
<p>Chan, however, knowing at that time that there was a possibility of him no longer working for the company by the time the presentation is scheduled, respectfully declined by citing his ever-piling workload as the main reason, and suggested for the opportunity to be given to one of his team members in order to help them grow in their career. Management was not happy about the decision, but knowing how Chan was never one to refuse projects, they understood that he must have been slammed by a lot of other things if he actually verbally took a pass on this one.</p>
<p>He and Felix talked a great deal about who the best potential candidate was. Hyunjin would have been next to Chan in seniority, but he had another presentation scheduled on the same day. Seungmin, on the other hand, had blocked off this week for months on the team's calendar as he had made some travel plans to get away from the city as a last hurrah before summer ends. That's how this ended up on Jisung's plate, which Chan tried his best to prevent but could not. In the end, he felt so guilty about saying no to this project that he ended up helping Jisung prepare for it the week leading up to its deadline.</p>
<p>However, the closer they got to the day of the presentation, the more nervous Chan got for Jisung. He saw how hard Jisung worked. He saw how much he tried to really put his best step forward to make this presentation all that it needed to be. But somehow he still fell short, and it was driving Jisung's anxiety to the roof. He was aware of his weaknesses and he was hyper-aware of his insecurities. Public speaking was definitely not his cup of tea, and all of a sudden he found himself burdened by a presentation in which a huge potential company account relied.</p>
<p>"You want to take over because the presentation stresses Jisung out?" Felix asked, unable to control the scoff that came at the end of his sentence. "If I tell you my job stresses me out, would you take over all of the items on my to-do list too?"</p>
<p>"I-it's not that…"</p>
<p>"If it's not that, then what is it? Because it sounds to me like you're sheltering that friend of yours too much from reality that you even want to take on <em>his</em> job for him."</p>
<p>"Manager Lee, I already mentioned this to you before, but Jisung really isn't the best person for presentations. He gets really nervous talking in front of an audience—"</p>
<p>"Oh, but he can sing and perform in front of a crowd when he's in 3RACHA?" he retorted.</p>
<p>"I-it's not the same. An audience at a business meeting with corporate executives is much more stressful to deal with than an audience at a bar expecting nothing but some music to jam to over a drink."</p>
<p>It was Felix's turn to let out a sigh as he massaged the bridge of his nose. He really didn't mind having this conversation if the presentation wasn't taking place the following day. But now that everything was set in stone, the last thing he wanted to add to his plate was coordinating a change like this. "Look, Chan. Like you said, we already talked about this before. I thought we both agreed that passing this off to someone else in your team not only allows you to focus on your backlog, but also gives them the opportunity to further their career?"</p>
<p>"A-and I still feel that way—"</p>
<p>"Have you been able to catch up to all of your projects?"</p>
<p>"Not quite, but—"</p>
<p>"That's what I thought," he muttered. "You spend so much time helping Jisung that you seem to forget you have responsibilities waiting on you as well."</p>
<p>"I-I know…"</p>
<p>"And I thought we also agreed that the members of your team are all very high performing and are able to take on the next step in their careers if given the opportunity."</p>
<p>"Yes, but…"</p>
<p>"I remember you raving about Jisung's performance in his job, and I totally agreed. See, when I spoke to him for his performance evaluation last month, he himself mentioned that he just needs a little bit more experience in doing presentations, because all things considered, he actually excels in everything else. The next step for him is to get up to speed on his presentation skills. He acknowledged that and explicitly told me he wanted to challenge himself."</p>
<p>"Yeah but—"</p>
<p>"So why do you want to rob Jisung of this opportunity?"</p>
<p>"It's not robbing, Manager Lee," he explained. "I've talked to him over and over in the past couple of days. We've gone over the slides countless times; he practiced everything, I timed him and all that. We did all that we could to prepare for this and I really support him in this endeavor but…"</p>
<p>"But?"</p>
<p>"He doesn't think he can do it."</p>
<p>Felix gave Chan a look of disbelief as he shook his head. "Chan, how come you were more than willing to push me past my boundaries back when we were in high school, but with Jisung you get a smidge overprotective?" he curiously asked, a particular memory entering his mind of the time when Chan coached him through a school presentation despite him getting a stress-related nosebleed. Back then, Chan encouraged him to keep going. Why was it different when Jisung was in question? "I mean… Isn't it your job as a mentor to believe in him? To tell him he can do it when he doesn’t think he can?"</p>
<p>"I just… It's different when he gets nervous."</p>
<p>"Nerves are a natural part of anything you'd have to do for the first time. If I told Minho Hyung to do all my presentations for me because I'm too chicken to speak in front of people, where do you think would my career go? Down the drain and out that window."</p>
<p>"He has anxiety, Manager Lee."</p>
<p>"Damn it, Chan," he exclaimed, hitting his palm on his desk for effect as he stood up. "Of all people, you should know that <em>I</em> know about anxiety. You know how afraid <em>I</em> am when it comes to crowds. You've seen what an insecure little kid I was in high school. You've seen how many times I've crumbled in class just because the teacher called my name for a graded recitation exam. You've seen how tongue-tied I used to get in front of people even when I was speaking in my mother tongue. You think I don't get anxious and tongue-tied and look stupid during my presentations even as an adult? Heck, I'm not even fluent in Korean, and yet I get my ass out there and pretend my nerves don't exist because I know I have to and I know my job relies on it. You don't get past your fears by coddling them; you overcome by confronting them."</p>
<p>"That's great and all, Felix, but you're not Jisung and Jisung is not you!" Chan responded, unaware that he had raised his voice back at his boss in a desperate attempt to defend his teammate.</p>
<p>The older man's words hit Felix like a punch to the gut, leaving him speechless for a few moments as multiple thoughts ran through his head.</p>
<p>Chan was right. They were different. That was why he treated them differently. That was why he was more protective of Jisung than he ever was with Felix. It made sense now. It was because he cared for Jisung in more ways than he never cared for Felix. That was why it was so easy for him to come to Jisung's aid whenever he needed him, and yet he chose to flee during the time when Felix desperately did. It made sense now, but the surprised look on his face did not make it obvious at all that he finally made the connection in his head.</p>
<p>Chan's expression immediately softened the moment he saw the stunned look on Felix's face. He didn't mean anything by that statement, but the way the younger man was caught in a speechless stupor in response made him feel guilty.</p>
<p>"Y-you're right. We're nothing alike," the blonde Australian responded as he swallowed a lump in his throat and broke his gaze from the older man lest the tears that started to form at his eyes gave away the pain that he felt in his chest. He sat back down and turned towards his computer instead. "But under my company, everyone follows the same set of rules. It doesn't matter if you're the manager. It doesn't matter if you're your team leader's best friend."</p>
<p>"Felix—"</p>
<p>"Keeping our commitments is one of the values we try to live out in this company. It applies to everyone not only in this office but in all of our offices globally. You, as a person in a supervisory role, should know that." He peeled his eyes from his computer screen to look briefly at Chan. "You came here for my permission? You're not getting it. I am <em>not</em> giving you what you want just because it benefits someone more important to you. The presentation will proceed as originally planned, and if your BFF can't handle it, then tell him to deal with it like the adult that he is. He'll have a hyung to run to after it's over anyway, right?"</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tuesday rolled in and the presentation took place in the afternoon, with Jisung as the representative from the marketing department, as originally planned. In general, the meeting with the prospective client went well in the beginning. The client-facing manager who would have been in charge of their account was immediately able to build rapport with Bright Hill's representatives, and Felix and Minho were also able to inform them about Clé Estates' worldwide practice that could benefit them in the future.</p>
<p>When Jisung's presentation came, however, things went downhill. Unable to control his nerves, he talked too fast on some parts of the presentation, and was monotone for the rest of it. He presented himself a little unprofessionally with excessive filler words, forgetting certain things he needed to discuss during specific slides. For that reason he had to jump between slides, thus confusing his audience. If Felix didn't know any better, he would have thought that Jisung did not put the effort in practicing for this presentation.</p>
<p>When asked about a specific chart on his slide deck, he ended up coming to the conclusion that he had accidentally pulled the wrong data set behind the chart, and that was why the numbers were not consistent with what he was reporting. When the client inquired about yet another data set, he had to look towards Felix's direction, silently hoping that the manager knew the answer instead because he did not know how to explain the meaning behind the information he just presented.</p>
<p>In the end, Felix was able to fill an entire page of his notepad with a list of things Jisung needed to work on, all while putting out fires during the presentation that not only confused their prospective client but also, in a way, turned them off. Felix had to promise right on the spot that he would put together a document for the Bright Hill executives, clarifying the answers to the questions they raised and explaining the discrepancies found in today's presentation. It was a last ditch effort to hopefully convince them that they were still the right real estate company for them to engage with. In the end, while the other representatives of Clé were hopeful that they would still win the bid, both Felix and Minho, who have been to countless other meetings like these before, both felt like their chances were slim.</p>
<p>Jisung thanked his lucky stars that he didn't faint during the nerve-wracking presentation, but he was even more grateful that he took the car to the meeting place with the other managers instead of his boss. Heaven knew he couldn't quite handle being in the same vehicle as Felix immediately after that meeting, knowing how many mishaps he's had that simply gave his boss so much more holes to fill and so much more to do now that he had to write an entire report for Bright Hill. In addition to that, he knew how high the manager's standards were when it came to presentations like these and how blunt he could be when he was displeased, and he was fairly certain there was nothing he could do to save himself now but to brace for the time when the manager decides to talk to him about how he did.</p>
<p>The ride back to the office was not a long one, but Jisung hoped that it at least gave Felix some time to cool down a little. He knew he messed up. He had to be very dense to not be aware of that. Part of him wished that he actually did better than he thought even though he knew that such was not the case. Part of him wished for Felix to go easy on him since he knew that delivering presentations was Jisung's weakness even though he also understood that such would not be the case.</p>
<p>Seeing the way his stoic manager gave him a look over as soon as he and the rest of the managers got out of the vehicle to re-enter the office made his heart beat faster against his ribcage. Jisung wondered for a split second if he was overthinking things, or if Felix was just really good at hiding his emotions. He'd half-expected to be berated by Felix by now for screwing up big time, but all the tightlipped manager did was meet his gaze briefly before turning towards the building entrance.</p>
<p>The elevator ride to their floor was awkward, to say the least. Jisung was usually the type to make some commentary to break through the silence, but he didn't even know what to say. Felix not once looked at him after turning away from him at the entrance earlier, and he didn't seem to even want to acknowledge his subordinate's presence even though the two of them were the only ones in the elevator.</p>
<p>When they made it to their floor, Felix wordlessly treaded down the marketing hallway, his face hard as stone, with Jisung following closely a few steps behind.</p>
<p>Chan immediately stood from his desk upon noticing their arrival, a hopeful smile gracing his features as he looked at his younger teammate. "So?" he asked as he raised a thumbs up in question.</p>
<p>Jisung met his team lead's encouraging gaze, let out a pout, and shook his head in response.</p>
<p>"What happened?" Chan asked.</p>
<p>"I messed up, Hyung. Manager Lee is going to hate me."</p>
<p>Chan looked around and saw the manager slamming his notepad on his desk before taking a seat in his office. "It couldn't have been <em>that</em> bad?" he asked. "Maybe you're just overreacting."</p>
<p>"He's upset with me."</p>
<p>"Maybe <em>he's</em> overreacting."</p>
<p>Jisung shook his head. "No, Hyung. It was <em>bad</em>. Like let-the-earth-swallow-me-now bad."</p>
<p>"I'm sorry," Chan sympathized. "If I didn't pass this on to you—"</p>
<p>"No, Hyung, don't even go there," the younger man cut him off. "You have a lot to work on. You have other things to do. It's not your fault I turned it into a shitshow—"</p>
<p>"But you wouldn't have even been forced to take this project if I didn't—"</p>
<p>"It's not your fault," Jisung repeated. "Besides, we both know I have to improve at this. I… I guess now we know there's a lot that I need to improve on."</p>
<p>A half hour after they got back to the office, Felix called for both Chan and Jisung in his office. His mood was slightly better now that he had time to get his mind off the events of the day, but he knew he had to have a conversation with his subordinate and his team lead to ensure that what happened earlier does not happen ever again.</p>
<p>Jisung reluctantly walked into Felix's office a few steps behind Chan, bracing himself for the biting words the manager might direct at him for how he did in the presentation. He couldn't blame Felix if he did, though. He admitted he was at fault on multiple counts and he really would not be surprised if they had lost this client account because of how poorly he did.</p>
<p>Felix was still typing away on his computer when they showed up at his doorstep, and he wordlessly motioned for them to come in while finishing up the email he was writing. Briefly, he instructed Chan to close the door behind them, making Jisung even more nervous about what they might discuss during this conversation. As part of his anxious nature, he couldn't help but entertain worst-case-scenario thoughts in his head while they waited for the manager, and part of him wondered if he was going to be fired on the spot today.</p>
<p>As soon as Felix sent his email, he let out a small sigh before massaging the bridge of his nose. "You probably know why I called you in," he started. "We need to talk about what happened earlier."</p>
<p>"Manager Lee," Jisung spoke up timidly, "I'm so, so sorry. I didn't—"</p>
<p>Felix raised a palm up to stop Jisung from continuing on with his apology. "What happened, Jisung? What the heck happened?"</p>
<p>"I-I… I don't know… I got really nervous and I blanked out when they started asking questions…"</p>
<p>"You blanked out even before they started asking questions. <em>Multiple times</em>," he emphasized. "How many times did you practice your presentation?"</p>
<p>"A lot…"</p>
<p>"How many times?" Felix repeated pointedly.</p>
<p>"I-I lost count, but… Chan Hyu—erm, Team Leader knows all about it," he said as he looked towards Chan's direction for some support, to which the older man nodded. "He knows I practiced a lot. He helped me prepare."</p>
<p>Felix tried to choose his words very carefully. He wanted to be professional and considerate, but the blood in his veins boiled every time he thought about what happened during the client meeting. "Next time, unless you get to a point where you're able to recite your presentation even in your sleep – or actually, even when you can recite your presentation in your sleep – make sure you bring your notes with you so you don't end up having to jump between slides out of sequence."</p>
<p>"Y-yes," he said with a nod. "I'm sorry."</p>
<p>Felix pulled out the list he put together during the meeting of things that Jisung needed to work on. He slid it on his desk in front of Chan and Jisung. "These are all the things you messed up on today," he announced. "I want you to review it, take some notes, and try to figure out how you can improve on your presentation skills for the next meeting."</p>
<p>"You did a full inventory of Jisung's mistakes <em>while</em> in the middle of the meeting?" Chan asked incredulously.</p>
<p>"All while putting out the fires that he started," Felix affirmed matter-of-factly. "What can I say? I multitask."</p>
<p>"I can't believe you'd do that."</p>
<p>"As his coach, doesn't this make your life easier?" the freckled man asked. "It's simple, okay? He made some mistakes, and I can't just ignore them so I wrote them down. For training purposes, it'll be a good starting point to determine what exactly Jisung needs to work on. Quite frankly, I've seen college kids do better than Jisung did today. There is a lot to work on and <em>you</em> can train him better, but I have to be honest. It might take a while before he gets added to a client meeting similar to this. Not until he can make better presentations for internal stakeholders first."</p>
<p>"Y-you're pulling me off the rotation?" Jisung asked, a hint of defeat coating his voice.</p>
<p>"Temporarily, maybe. I don't know yet," Felix said with a shrug as he looked at his computer. "All I know is that I trusted you to do this one job today, and I really thought you'd be able to handle it. Chan trained you and I had high hopes. Apparently, though, I was wrong and now, it would take a miracle for Bright Hill to even consider us. I took a gamble on you today and I lost. Stupid of me for even considering that."</p>
<p>"Trusting Jisung on a project is not stupid," Chan defended. "You <em>knew</em> this was not his forte."</p>
<p>Felix scoffed. "If we all only did the things we're good at – if we limited ourselves to our respective fortes – then no growth will ever take place in this company. Can you imagine living in a world where all students who did poorly in math never in their lives had to calculate anything? Or in a world where everyone who was terrible at spelling never had to write a damn thing the rest of their lives just because it's 'not their forte?'"</p>
<p>"Yes, but just because someone isn't good at something does not give you the right to call them stupid."</p>
<p>"I never called <em>him</em> stupid, Chan. That is <em>not</em> what I'm getting at," Felix defended as he let out a sigh. "Look, I get it – he's your best friend and you're protective of him<em>. Point. Taken.</em> But you have to get your overprotective hyung lens off your eyes and ears and stop putting words in my mouth. Heck,<em> I</em> used to be in his shoes and I had to learn all about public speaking the hard way."</p>
<p><em>"That's great and all, Felix, but you're not Jisung and Jisung is not you!"</em> Chan's words from the previous day echoed in Felix's mind but he had to push the memory to the backburner if he wanted to stay focused on the conversation they were having.</p>
<p>"I know what it's like," he continued, "but he's not going to get anywhere if we just tell him to avoid these types of projects altogether. At the same token, we can't place major meetings like these on his hands again until he gets comfortable speaking to an audience because doing so really puts our business at risk. We all want the same things here: for Jisung to grow professionally. Do him a favor and stop defending him like he's a child."</p>
<p>"I would if you stopped being a bully," Chan retorted under his breath.</p>
<p>Felix ignored the remark and turned to Jisung. "Chan said he reviewed your slides. I know I have also looked at your slides to double-check them. Just before I called you in right now, I checked the version you sent me yesterday. I don't understand why the numbers are all different in the version you presented earlier."</p>
<p>Jisung looked down. "I-I might have messed up some links when I fixed the sizing on the chart…"</p>
<p>Felix bit his tongue to keep his temper at bay. "You sabotaged the major content of the presentation for a cosmetic improvement?"</p>
<p>Chan spoke up. "He didn't mean it…"</p>
<p>"Oh he better not have meant it," Felix retorted. "Because if he intended for that to happen, he wouldn't have a job to come back to tomorrow."</p>
<p>"Manager Lee…" Jisung pleaded. "I swear I didn't mean it. I… I clearly just didn't know what I was doing."</p>
<p>"I don't want this to happen again, Jisung," he warned. "The next time you have a presentation and you think there are changes you'd like to implement after your slide deck has been approved by both Chan and me, you have to run those changes by Chan, regardless of what those changes are. No exceptions."</p>
<p>He nodded eagerly. "I promise I'll do better next time."</p>
<p>"Don't make promises," Felix spat as he briefly looked at Chan. "Promises are nothing but empty words until you actually do something about it."</p>
<p>"I-I'll do better," he rephrased.</p>
<p>By the time they left Felix's office, Chan was fuming although he tried his best to not make it obvious to anyone around him. Yes, he was thankful that Felix did not fire Jisung on the spot because truly, he wouldn't put it past younger Australian to do such a thing, but at the same time, he just wanted to ask: how dare he?</p>
<p>He wanted to understand where Felix was coming from, but he couldn't quite do that. He talked to him beforehand and told him that it was a bad idea to let Jisung do this presentation. He knew Jisung needed more practice. He knew Jisung needed more experience before being able to pull off a presentation as big as this. Heck, Chan was willing to take on the responsibility since he was familiar with the topic and he did not want to put anyone – not Felix and not Jisung – on a bad spot. Felix was the one who said no to the idea. Why was it that he was blaming them now for the fact that Jisung actually did as poorly as Chan predicted he would?</p>
<p>Chan always avoided making things about himself but something deep inside told him that all of this had every little thing to do with him.</p>
<p>That little ceasefire he thought he and Felix had for the past two weeks or so? That was all probably the calm before the storm while Felix tried to think of other ways to use his position once again to make it inevitable for Chan to quit.</p>
<p>
  <em>"If you truly care about the guys in your team and you don't like anyone else being affected by the direct consequences of your actions and decisions, then maybe the best contribution you could give to your team right now is your resignation."</em>
</p>
<p>Felix's words from a couple of weeks ago repeated itself in his mind like a broken record. Truth be told, he'd temporarily put his job hunt on hold after he talked to Minho later in that same week, when Minho told him that contrary to Felix's biting words, it is not Chan's departure that he needs but his presence.</p>
<p>As much as Chan did not trust Minho, he truly wanted to believe in that. He wanted to believe it with everything that he had. He took in those words and used them as his motivation to stick around and silently endure the painful words Felix always directed at him in hopes that maybe one day, the younger Australian would find the truth in what he had been denying all this time.</p>
<p>But Chan had come to terms with the fact that maybe enough is enough. He was willing to go through it all but not at the expense of the well-being of other people who also meant a lot to him. Not to the expense of the people who loved him and accepted him and weren't afraid to show that they cared about him and wanted him in their lives, unlike Felix.</p>
<p>In granting Felix his one wish, his team can stay together and not be taken apart like the manager once suggested; perhaps if Chan granted him his one wish, Felix would stop treating Jisung unfairly simply because he and Chan were close friends.</p>
<p>Abruptly, he stood from his desk and treaded his way back into Felix's office, ignoring the confused looks on his teammates' faces and the soft call from his younger bandmate. In his hot-headed state, he simply barged into the manager's office without so much a knock, and wordlessly, he closed the door behind him without even waiting for the manager to acknowledge his presence or to tell him to come in.</p>
<p>Felix looked stunned himself as he saw the anger that seeped through Chan's countenance. Chan was never one to lose his cool on anything. Not in high school and not as an adult. Even on those rare occasions where he had shown Felix that he was upset with things he said, Chan was never one to react simply out of anger. He usually reacted out of sadness and disappointment, emotions that Felix could read in his eyes at the very moment his gaze landed on those of the older one. Today, all he could see was red hot rage.</p>
<p>"Chan—"</p>
<p>"You wanted to get rid of me. I get it. You didn't have to go so low as to use someone important to me to get the message across." Chan walked closer to the manager's desk and leaned forward so their faces were but a few inches apart. "You once had low self-esteem, Felix. You know what it's like to be kicked further down when you've already stumbled. Of all people, <em>you</em> should be the one most sympathetic to Jisung, and yet instead of acting like a decent human being, <em>you</em> chose to use his weakness to show me that you could use your position to do whatever the heck it takes to get rid of me."</p>
<p>The look of panic began to grow in Felix's eyes as he shook his head furiously. Yes, he may have had motives of using the team to get rid of Chan before, but that was in the past. That was before he realized that perhaps distance from his former best friend wasn't necessarily what he needed after all.</p>
<p>When he said he wanted to push Jisung beyond his comfort zone, he meant it. No matter how jealous he was of Chan's new best friend, he knew based from his experience that the only way Jisung could advance professionally was to get out of the box he'd allowed himself to be limited to. Whatever happened today was simply a result of Jisung's performance and he would have pushed him just as hard regardless of whether or not Chan was in the picture. "Wait, Chan, listen—"</p>
<p>"No, <em>you</em> listen!" he forcefully said, an index finger pointing directly at the younger Australian's face. "I stuck around because I thought maybe if I did, things would change. And for a while, I thought they did." Chan chuckled humorlessly as he moved away from the manager. "For a while, I was stupid enough to believe that things gradually were changing simply because we've had two weeks pass us by where you didn't seem to actively try to wage war against me and my team. Turns out you had something else in mind." He shook his head disappointedly. "I stuck around because I thought maybe if I did, you'd eventually get to a point where you'd want to hear what happened from my perspective. Maybe if I did, you'd see how I was willing to wait for you no matter how long it takes and how sincere I was in wanting to get my best friend back. Heck, I've stuck around with all of this bullshit much longer than you were in a coma, Felix! I stuck around because somehow I hoped that you'd need me."</p>
<p>"Chan, don't put that on me," Felix answered dejectedly, almost surprising the older male that he wasn't responding as violently as he used to back then to defend his actions. "We both know you stuck around for your teammates and not for me. Y'know? The important people in your life? You stuck around because of them. You stuck around because you knew your teammates need you. Not because <em>I </em>need you."</p>
<p>"Maybe that's what it looks like. Because to you I'm such an antagonist, aren't I? Because for you, it's so hard to believe that I would actually choose a miserable work life for the smallest chance that I could get my best friend back. I stayed because I hoped there was still a small part of that frigid heart of yours that would listen to the little Lixie who used to live there. The voice that tried to tell you that the Chris who would take a fall for you back then is still here and will still take a fall for you if that's what it takes for you to learn to forgive. But maybe I need to wake up from that illusion. Maybe I need to be more realistic and see things the way they are now as they present themselves before my eyes."</p>
<p>Felix sighed. "Chan, if this is all about what happened with Jisung, I'm telling you it has nothing to do with our—"</p>
<p>"It doesn't matter. You win."</p>
<p>"W-what? What do you mean?" Felix nervously asked as he slowly stood from his seat.</p>
<p>"I'm giving you what you want now." Chan paused, not believing the words he was speaking himself. Swallowing a lump that formed in his throat, he lifted his gaze to meet the younger one's eyes. "I'll email you the written version when I get back to my desk, but consider this my resignation notice. I'll finish this week off to wrap things up, but after that I'll be gone. Just as you've always wanted. My last day is this Friday."</p>
<p>Felix's breath hitched and he could have sworn he thought his heart had stopped beating. "This… this Friday?"</p>
<p>"Yeah, this Friday. September 15th," he confirmed. "Consider it my gift to you since this is what you've wanted from the beginning anyway. Happy frigging birthday, Felix. I hope it's your best one yet."</p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi?</p>
<p>The comments section has been a lot quieter lately than it used to be, so I wanted to check in with y'all. Is this still going okay? Is it getting dragging? Boring? Something else? Idk, I just really miss hearing from you. :-(</p>
<p>Just because I encourage comments and kudos, doesn't mean I'm only after positive remarks. I seriously could use some feedback to help me improve my writing too, so if you have anything you think I need to work on, feel free to let me know as well. </p>
<p>I was in a really good writing mood for a while this past week but I think I might have hit a wall. I hate when I have ideas but don't know how to tie them all together with a nice little bow lol. Anyway, hope you all are doing well. Crossing my fingers to be back in two weeks for an update.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Chapter 14</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Possible warnings: some reference to the events that happened in chapter 12 (Felix's panic attack/cardiac arrest), although nothing graphic</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Felix didn't think he'd see the day when Chan would give up on him yet again, but apparently that time has come.</p><p>He should have been happy and satisfied that he now got what he wished for. He really should have. Finally, he succeeded in pushing Chan away so he could get the space and closure from him that he said he needed so he could move on from his life.</p><p>But he wasn't. He was far from happy and far from satisfied and even further away from the closure he thought this whole time was within his reach.</p><p>In fact, if he were to use a word to describe how he felt as the words 'resignation notice' came tumbling out of his former best friend's mouth before he walked out the door the same way he intended to walk out of his life, 'devastated' was the first word that came to mind.</p><p>His world fell apart when he found out about Chris' departure back then. There wasn't anything he could say or do to keep him from leaving and he just found out when it was already too late to make a difference. But now he had the chance. Now there was something he could do to stop Chan from leaving. Question was, did he have the courage to actually step out of his comfort zone and bare his soul to him just so he could convince him that, contrary to what he'd been proclaiming all this time, the last thing he needed from Chan was for him to permanently leave him alone?</p><p>Felix couldn't do anything productive at work after his conversation with Chan ended. His mind drifted off as he tried to reimagine his life without Chan in it again and the thought alone made him feel sick. How had he become so dependent on the older Australian when all this time he'd been pushing him away? Begrudgingly, he shut his computer down and decided to call it a day, phoning his assistant to ask her to reschedule all of his meetings that were supposed to take place that afternoon.</p><p>He went straight home from the office and spent the rest of the day moping in his bedroom, battling against himself as he pondered on whether or not he should do anything to stop Chan from leaving. The answer would have been obvious given the way he felt, but his stupid pride kept getting in the way of committing to a plan.</p><p>What if Chan laughs at him and makes a fool of him if he begs him to stay? What if Chan tells him the damage has been done and he's too late in trying to convince him to stick around?</p><p>But what if Chan embraces him and tells him that that's all he's been waiting for all this time? What if Chan crushes all his fears like he used to and assures him he's never going anywhere anymore if that's what Felix asked of him?</p><p>The conflict that pulled him apart made him hate himself to the core. Why did he have to be so anxious and fickle-minded? Why did he have to constantly battle against himself when it came to Chan? Why did he have to say one thing but mean the exact opposite?</p><p>He didn't know how long he'd spent stewing in his inner turmoil, not wanting nor having the energy to do anything else for the rest of the day. It wasn't until a few hours later, when he heard Minho knock on his bedroom door that he came back to his senses, realizing he'd wasted hours on his bed pondering over his next move.</p><p>"Felix?" he heard his brother call tentatively as though unsure if he was even awake to hear him or not. He had his back turned against the door, so it was hard for Minho to determine if the freckled one heard him, but he shuffled a little on the bed to indicate that he was awake.</p><p>He didn't hear the door close, so he assumed that Minho was still standing there. He turned to lay on his back, his eyes meeting those of his brother, who tiptoed into his room to check on him.</p><p>"Hey," the older one said, inviting himself to take a seat on the edge of Felix's bed.</p><p>"You're home early," he simply said, noting that the sun was still up based on what he could see from his window. Normally, Minho didn't come home until around eight or nine in the evening unless they had plans to catch up over dinner together.</p><p>"Our office coordinator mentioned in passing that you left the office early today and rescheduled your meeting with her," he explained. "She told me you said you weren't feeling well. Are you okay?"</p><p>Felix's heart normally would have swelled at the thought of his normally unaffectionate brother to rush home to check on him, but his eyes were the only part of him that swelled right now from all the crying he'd been doing the past couple of hours. "I'm fine."</p><p>"You know you're a bad liar," the older one declared with a smirk as he reached towards Felix's forehead and compared the temperature he felt to his. "You don't have a fever at least. But you look terrible."</p><p>"Thanks." His sarcasm had not gone amiss.</p><p>Minho looked down and noticed the pool of wetness on Felix's pillow. "Have you been crying?"</p><p>Felix shook his head at first, but upon being on the receiving end of his brother's knowing gaze, the dam of his emotions broke and he sat up to bury his face on Minho's chest.</p><p>Minho knew better than to bombard him with questions. Felix only ever cried when he was overcome with too much of his own emotions. After years of practicing stoicism, very rarely had he broken down like this. At least openly in front of him. The fact that he was crying his eyes out to him the same way he did when he found out Chan had left Sydney meant something bad must have happened.</p><p>"What's going on?" he asked gently as soon as the sobbing subsided, his hands still drawing comforting circles on the younger one's back.</p><p>"It's Chan…"</p><p>Minho simply nodded in understanding, assuming that Felix had found out the truth about what he and Chan talked about a couple of nights ago. As always, Chan was right, Minho thought. Chan called it – that Felix would be heartbroken upon learning that he'd been living a lie this whole time. Part of Minho wondered how Chan explained everything to Felix; how he managed to get the freckled man's barriers down enough to be willing to listen to him, even.</p><p>"I knew it was too good to be true," Felix continued, causing Minho's brows to furrow. "I knew he wasn't in this for the long run."</p><p>"Lix, what do you mean?"</p><p>"He's leaving," he cried. "He's leaving me <em>again</em>."</p><p>The older man pulled away from his brother to search his eyes. Yes, Felix was hurt, but not by the truth he thought Chan had confessed. He inwardly sighed, knowing he had to keep pretending he knew nothing. "I thought you wanted him gone?"</p><p>"I thought I did too. But deep inside, I guess I just wanted to make a point."</p><p>"The point being?"</p><p>"I wanted him to prove me wrong. I wanted him to stand by his words that he was willing to wait until I'm ready to let him in again…"</p><p>"How long were you expecting him to wait?" he asked back knowing he was not going to get a reasonable reply. "Have you two reconciled? Have you talked about everything and resolved your issues?"</p><p>"If we did, he wouldn't be leaving like this," Felix pointed out.</p><p>"Then maybe that's what needs to happen," Minho reasoned. "Lix, you're the one who's been pushing him away."</p><p>"I know, but… I didn't think… I just… I don't…" he stammered. "I don't want him to leave me all over again."</p><p>"And he doesn't know that. Lix, all this time you've been asking him to disappear from your life. From his point of view, he's just giving you what you want."</p><p>"I don't know what to do."</p><p>"I think it's time you talk to him."</p><p>"But… how?"</p><p>"You know how. You're just too damn stubborn to admit it," he answered with a knowing smile. "Approaching him calmly would be a good start. No stony expressions, no biting words."</p><p>"What if he makes fun of me for making a hundred eighty-degree turn all of a sudden?"</p><p>"Would you rather have him make fun of you from time to time or would you rather let him go and spend the rest of your life wondering what could have been had you just set your pride aside?"</p><p>Felix sighed.</p><p>"Chan doesn't strike me as the bully type. He's not going to make fun of you for coming to your senses right when it mattered the most. Talk to him before it's too late. Maybe that's all it takes to convince him to stick around."</p><p>The following day came much sooner than Felix would have hoped, and he fiddled nervously with his fingers in the elevator on the way to his floor when he got to work. Knowing Chan, he probably was already in the office at this point, and Felix would have to find a way to speak to him privately in his office even though they were the only two people at work this early in the morning.</p><p>To his surprise, Chan was nowhere to be found in the office. If not for the personal items he left behind on his desk that Felix saw when he took a peek, he honestly would have been scared that Chan just decided to not come back after leaving the office yesterday afternoon.</p><p>He wasn't sure whether to be anxious or relieved. On the one hand, he had more time to prepare himself mentally about the conversation he was about to have with the older Australian, but on the other hand, that also just meant he'd be wasting more time being unproductive at work while his mind took him to places with how he could best approach Chan.</p><p>As soon as he entered his office, though, a phone call from his mother interrupted his thoughts and served as the perfect distraction. While balancing his work laptop on one hand to place on his docking station, he reached out for his cellphone in his pocket with the other to answer the call.</p><p>"Hi Mom."</p><p>"Felix, how are you?"</p><p>He shrugged as though she could see him. "I'm okay," he lied. That's all he ever told her anyway. "You?"</p><p>"I'm fine, sweetie. Hey, listen. I have a meeting in a few minutes but I needed to give you a heads up so I squeezed in a call before it starts."</p><p>"Okay?"</p><p>"Blueprint Architects – do you know much about them?"</p><p>"I've heard of them," he said with a nod as he took a seat behind his desk, leaving his laptop half-docked for now. "International architecture firm, based in Seoul. They're this office's biggest client."</p><p>"Exactly. They were one of the reasons Clé wanted to merge with Miroh Homes to begin with – to secure that account because they open and acquire new offices around the world almost every year."</p><p>"And?"</p><p>"They're considering transferring to a competitor firm."</p><p>"Oh shit."</p><p>"Oh shit, indeed. We need to make sure that does not happen because that would be a huge loss to the company if they leave. The board of directors were very unhappy when they heard of that news. I don't mean to pressure you this early in the morning, Felix; I know your day is just about to get started. But this is a big deal. It means that a lot is riding on your shoulders right now. You technically could make or break this."</p><p>"R-right."</p><p>"That's why I wanted to give you a heads up. I already talked to the Seoul office's president last night about this. President Ma said he'll set up a meeting with you today to discuss what strategy we need to take to secure their account with our firm. He said you have an all-star team that could handle it, but there's one particular person who managed to impress them when Miroh first got them as a client, and it would be ideal to make him the point person for this project because the client already knows him and has built rapport with him in the past."</p><p>Felix took a pen and started jotting down notes on a piece of paper. "Who is it?"</p><p>"It's written on my notebook, but I left it on my desk. I don't remember off the top of my head, but I'm sure President Ma will bring that up with you when you meet with him later."</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>"It was a weird name. Two syllables instead of three."</p><p>Felix felt a lump form in his throat. Most Koreans had three-syllable names and pretty much everyone in his department fell under that category… except for one person.</p><p>"Oh, yeah! His name is Chan," his mother revealed. "Bang Chan? Or something like that? Do you have someone under you who goes by that name?"</p><p>Felix couldn't bring himself to answer the question. On top of having to talk to Chan about their situation, he now had to give him possibly the biggest project he's ever been tasked to delegate. How could he even do that now that Chan had made up his mind about leaving?</p><p>"Felix?"</p><p>"O-oh, um, yeah. Chan."</p><p>"Good, so you know him," she said with a sigh of relief. "I need you to talk to him, Felix. Whoever else you put on this project, I don't care. But Chan needs to take the lead on this. Like I said, he already knows the client and we've gained favorable responses from them because of him so he is going to be the key in making this endeavor successful. If we lose Blueprint, it's not just the Seoul office that's going to suffer. Most – if not all – of our branches will, so this is very, very important. If Chan's workload is too much, you might need to consider delegating those smaller jobs to someone else so he can focus on this. That should be fine, but just do whatever you need to do to get him on this project. Am I clear, Felix?"</p><p>To be honest, he stopped paying attention the moment Chan's name was brought into the conversation. He needed Chan in his life, that much he knew and had come to terms with. But to find out that his company desperately needed him as well a day after he declared that he was resigning, and it being Felix's task to either convince Chan to stick around for this project or to pacify his parents and the board of directors after delivering the news that the solution to their problem was not plausible? How was he even supposed to talk to Chan about all of this? He felt like he'd need therapy after this day is over just from how overwhelming everything seemed to be – and his workday hadn't even started yet.</p><p>Not too long after the phone call ended, Minho walked into his office, surprising an already anxious Felix.</p><p>"Felix, we need to talk," the older male urgently said to announce his presence, not even bothering to knock on the door or check if he was in the middle of something.</p><p>"Hyung, it's too early for a continuation of last night," he said as he massaged his temples. "I need to focus on work before Chan gets here—"</p><p>"No, it's work-related," he said as he walked closer to Felix before speaking in a more hushed tone. "I need you to listen to me."</p><p>"What is it?" the younger man defeatedly asked as he lifted his tired eyes to meet his brother's.</p><p>"HR just called me. We've got a bigger problem than Chan's departure."</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"All of Chan's teammates are resigning too."</p><p>Felix's breath hitched as he slouched on his seat, words not forming in his head properly to put together any verbal response to his brother.</p><p>"You need to fix this, Felix."</p><p>"B-but how? I… I don't have control over whether or not they'd like to leave."</p><p>"Then you have to do <em>something</em> to make them want to stay."</p><p>Felix remained silent, his mind running thousands of miles per hour in all different directions that he couldn't even quite keep up.</p><p>"You can't lose an entire team of four people in one go, Felix. If mom and dad find out about this, there's no way I can personally vouch for you on this one and you know you'll need to explain yourself to them. They might pull you off the Seoul office and stick you back into the headquarter office instead."</p><p>"N-no… I can't… That cannot happen!" he fearfully refused. Going back to Sydney meant leaving Chan behind in Seoul. It meant leaving his brother behind in Seoul. It meant proving his father's former accusation that he was not capable of running anything by himself and that his business acumen was nowhere near as sharp as the rest of his family.</p><p>"That's why we need to fix this. <em>You</em> need to fix this. If you have put an end to your squabbles with Chan a long time ago, he wouldn't have decided he's had enough, and his team would not be all resigning behind him right now. I already warned you about this."</p><p>"I know!" he said in annoyance. "I know already, okay? You're right, I'm wrong. I screwed up and now I'm all fucked up. I just… I just don't know if I can deal with all of this at once." He shook his head before burying his face in his palms. "I-I can't. There's still this issue with Chan's departure and him having to be placed on a project that mom specifically asked him for too, and I-I can't do all of this simultaneously—"</p><p>"What project?"</p><p>"Blueprint. They're considering competitors and we need to keep them as a client. Chan is the person who connected them to Miroh back then, so he needs to be involved with our efforts to keep them since he had already previously gained their favor. Mom specifically asked for him."</p><p>"Mom knows about Chan?"</p><p>He shook his head. "I don't think she knows that Chan is Chris. But she spoke to President Ma and he gave her Chan's name."</p><p>"Did you tell her he gave his notice?"</p><p>A frightened look washed over Felix's expression. "I-I couldn't. I couldn't disappoint her, Hyung. You know it took me a while to convince her that I am worthy of being in this position. If I refused her request on the biggest project she's ever delegated to me, she'll think I'm trash."</p><p>"That's not true, Lix."</p><p>"I can't disappoint her, Hyung. What am I going to do?" he panicked.</p><p>"Okay, calm down," he encouraged as he made his way to the opposite side of Felix's desk to give his shoulder a squeeze. "All of your problems right now – they all revolve around Chan, so let's focus on him for now, okay?"</p><p>Felix simply nodded his head as he listened to his brother.</p><p>"Talk to him today. If you could at least convince him to stay, that would guarantee a solution to two out of your three problems. His teammates have a mind of their own and we cannot really control all of them, but maybe if they see that Chan is willing to give you a chance again, maybe they'll change their minds about leaving. But for now… for now, please make Chan your priority. Okay?"</p><p>Felix wordlessly nodded as he let out a deep breath, wondering to himself how the heck to turn the tides now that his entire life and career was on the line and depended on the one person he'd been trying to push away.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Do you think this is a good idea?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho looked up from the floor tiles he'd been staring at for who knows how long and met his mother's worried gaze. He opened his mouth to speak, but not knowing where to start, he bit his lip instead and looked back down on the ground.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You can be honest with me," she continued upon noticing his hesitation before taking the seat between him and the vending machine closest to Felix's hospital room. "I'm definitely curious about what you think."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho lifted his gaze but did not turn to face her. "I… don't really know what I think anymore."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Lee shifted in her seat, allowing silence to envelope them for a few seconds as she carefully picked the words she wanted to say. "You've been very quiet lately. Is something bothering you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho shook his head in response despite the expression on his face giving an answer to the contrary.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Truth be told, he hadn't slept in days. A week, to be exact.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He always thought he was strong. Brave. Invincible. Until he was faced with a situation in which he was not, and the truth hit him like a truck and he couldn't get back up from it.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Not once in his life had he thought that his one-item list of fears would ever grow to two. He had always feared heights ever since he was a child, but seeing how brave he was regarded everywhere else by both his family and peers, he thought that no other thing in the world could make him tremble and lose his mind. He had to learn the hard way last week that losing his brother would top his list, and knowing how close he'd come to that happening while his brother was under his watch had wrecked him beyond words.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't think it's a good idea," he finally admitted as he licked his chapped lips and heaved out a sigh. "The last time he spoke to her, we both know what happened. I… I don't know if he's ready. I don't know if there's more to what he needs to find out. But I know that I don't ever want a repeat of what happened last week."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know," she immediately agreed before letting out a sigh to match his as she wondered to herself whether she made the right decision the day before to get in touch with Chris' mother and ask if she could pay Felix another visit. She wasn't in favor of it, but Felix practically begged her to let the woman back so they could discuss the things they never got the chance to the last time they spoke. "That's what I'm afraid of too, frankly."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Then why did you give in?" he asked. "You know that Felix is still emotionally unstable."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We made a promise to him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"A promise that was conditional based on how well he's doing. It's not like it's set in stone."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't think it'll do him good if we break his trust right now," she explained. "We're already hanging by a thread at this point. If we don't give him this, then he might not learn to trust anyone ever again especially after what Chris did to him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho groaned in frustration as he buried his face in his palms. He understood where his mother was coming from given everything that had transpired in the past week. Felix's first coherent statement when he woke up after being revived from his panic-induced cardiac arrest still was a question pertaining to Chris, and as soon as he remembered what Chris' mother told him before his panic attack, he kept asking his mother when he'll get to talk to Mrs. Yang again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Lee discouraged the idea and was vehemently supported by Minho, but Felix refused to accept that that was all the information he'd ever get about his best friend's whereabouts. He still had a lot of concerns. A lot of questions. A lot of things he needed to know if they wanted him to learn to keep calm. He was quick to remind them that at some point, his doctor will have to stop sedating him, and the last thing they probably would want was for Felix's mind to go to all the different places that his anxiety about Chris could and would lead him to if his questions remained unanswered.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>They made a bargain with him and asked him to focus on his own recovery for at least week. If within that time frame, his condition became better, then Mrs. Lee was going to get in touch with Mrs. Yang to ask if she could drop by again to finish where they left off. Felix argued at first but eventually gave in, keeping his end of the deal fairly well by being obedient to his doctor's orders and trying his best to get all the rest he could get so he could recover quickly. A week after they made their deal, Felix was ready to cash in on his prize. That's what brought them to their current predicament.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Besides, he needs answers," Mrs. Lee reasoned out, albeit weakly, as though she was trying to convince herself instead of her eldest son.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He needs to heal first."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He cannot heal emotionally until he gets the answers to his questions."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho looked away defeatedly. "So what… we take this risk and if… if history repeats itself…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We'll have to cut the conversation short the moment we see any signs of distress in Felix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That's what I did last week! You know what happened…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know," she assured him as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I know. We just have to tread carefully this time. More carefully than before."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho stopped himself from letting yet another sigh escape from his lips. There wasn't a point in arguing. His mother had already gotten in touch with the other lady and she was expected to arrive within a few minutes. Even if Minho was not in favor of her decision, what right did he have to counter her anyway? He'd always been tagged the obedient son in their family for a reason, and it was the same reason he didn't push back as hard as he felt like he should have on this topic.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He never fully admitted it to anyone other than himself, but truthfully, he was traumatized from last week's events. He'd never feared anyone or anything before as much as he did that day. Not even his first experience with heights could match the fear that gripped him from within when he realized how quickly Felix's condition had deteriorated due to his panic attack.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But he had to be strong. If not for himself, at least for his mother. For his brother. Mrs. Lee had enough to worry about at this point and Felix was freaked out enough about everything; the last thing either of them needed was to see the most stoic member of the family lose his cool in the midst of everything. So with a deep breath, he simply nodded in agreement and offered his mother a small, well-rehearsed, reassuring smile.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It didn't take long for Mrs. Yang to arrive, uncertainty drawn on her features the very moment the door opened in response to her knock. Mrs. Lee welcomed her in, unsure as to how she really wanted to treat the same woman who nearly ended her son's life for a second time in the span of two months.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>As soon as Mrs. Yang made her presence known, Felix sat expectantly on the bed while his brother busied himself in the opposite corner of the room. Minho pretended that he was reading a book from where he sat, but with Mrs. Yang's back against him, all he wanted to do was burn a hole on the nape of her neck with his gaze. He was still angry at her participation in last week's events, and it was still clear in his memory the way he practically shoved her out of the hospital room to protect his little brother from her words when things were starting to get ugly. He was more than willing to do the same thing again today if needed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I came here because you called me," she spoke softly, gaze bouncing back and forth between Felix and his mother. "I-I don't want to cause any trouble."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Trust me, we don't want that either," Mrs. Lee responded awkwardly, "but uh… Felix here really wants to talk to you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Slowly, Mrs. Yang approached Felix's bedside, almost exactly the same way she did the week prior, except this time she didn't have flowers with her but instead took his hand into hers. "How are you feeling, Felix?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The freckled boy squeezed her hand gently before withdrawing them from her grasp and looking away. "I don't know… Confused? Blindsided? Alone? I'm not sure."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's still under observation after… you know," Mrs. Lee paused in discomfort. "After what happened last week."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I didn't mean to cause all of that—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know," she reassured. "As a parent, I know. I'm just glad he's a little better now. Physically at least."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Are his injuries healing okay?" the slightly older lady asked concernedly as she sat on the chair next to Felix's bed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's getting there. Some are better than others…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'd prefer it if you didn't talk about me as though I wasn't here," Felix interjected quietly, causing an abrupt end to that conversation. From the opposite corner of the room, Minho let out a smirk behind the book he pretended to read. Felix looked up to Mrs. Yang. "I'm sorry for asking you to come all the way here again. You probably were traumatized by what you saw last week."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't worry about me, dear. I'm just glad they were able to save you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix sighed. "I wish I could say the same thing."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix," Mrs. Lee reprimanded, although the look on her face spelled nothing but fear from the words she was hearing from him. Minho pulled his own book down to listen to the conversation without any other pretense. He didn't like what he was hearing from his brother and he was ready at any point to jump between his brother and Chris' mother again if he ever found the latter's words more damaging to his brother's psyche.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll get straight to the point so I don't waste any more of your time," Felix said. "Have you heard from Chris?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Yang looked down. "No, I have not."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Have you tried contacting him?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"His phone is out of reach," she explained. "It has been out of reach since that text I showed you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Have you tried looking for him? Are you planning on returning to South Korea to find him?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Yang sighed. "Chris is practically an adult now, Felix. We could go back out there to look for him, but… realistically speaking, South Korea is a really big country."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's probably still in Seoul—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"—Seoul is a big city. If he wanted to be found, he would have made it possible for us to find him while we were there."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But…" Felix's eyes darted to his own mother as though asking for her help to win the argument. "But you were only there for a few days! It wouldn't have been possible."</em>
</p><p><em>"Felix, he chose this for himself," Mrs. Yang countered. "I'm not happy about it, but honestly, even if I put in all the effort in the world to finding him, it doesn't change the fact that my happiness does not matter to him. Bringing him back will give me a sense of relief, but it does not guarantee that </em>he <em>will be happy. I mean… given everything that has happened, I honestly don't think he wants to be found right now, and I respect that. So should you."</em></p><p>
  <em>The freckled boy looked down and folded the edge of his blanket on his lap to distract himself from the emotions building up in his chest. "I mean… I'm awake now." He paused to swallow a lump in his throat, hoping that the stinging sensation he felt in his eyes would disappear along with it. It didn't. "I… I'm not a burden anymore. He can come back now if… if the only reason he ran away from home was… because of me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix, don't get me wrong. Chris loves you like a brother, but I don't think that will be enough reason for him to want to come back home," she gently explained.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Why not?" he asked. "Didn't he leave because of me?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's probably feeling too guilty to want to show his face to you ever again."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>He shook his head. "That doesn't make any sense. It's not like he pushed me towards the car. I was the one who decided to save him from it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Exactly."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Well, yeah, exactly," Felix repeated, frustration building up in his voice. "I acted out of my own volition and it wasn't something that he forced on me. Why would he feel too guilty for that?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Felix, you don't understand."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Then make me. Please."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's not who you think he is, okay?" she explained but not without a pause. "He doesn't have the guts to show his face to you because after everything he's done, nothing would change the fact that he almost cost you your life."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"A-after everything he's done?" he repeated confusedly. "What do you mean by that?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Don't be mad at Chris, Felix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'm not mad," he said with a shake of his head. "I just want him home. I just want him safe."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Yang opened her mouth to say something but stopped in hesitation.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"What is it?" the teenager asked. "Please tell me what is it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Would you still feel the same way if I tell you that he tried to use you?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Use me?" He shook his head as though the woman in front of him was out of her mind. "For what?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He was just trying to be a good son, Felix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Use me for what?" he repeated, concern growing in his voice now. Minho stood from his seat and looked towards his mother. She was closer to Felix and could step in any moment now if needed. Minho hoped she would, but she didn't. Regardless, he did not like the direction this conversation was going.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He… he tried to get closer to you because he knew that our company was trying to close a deal with Clé Estates."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>His brows furrowed. "W-what?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I told him not to do it. I told him that he should stay out of all of this because it's not his place to intervene, but… he said if he could show that the two of you were good friends, then maybe your parents might agree to the deal since we'd be like… a family friend."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix shook his head vigorously. "No. He won't do that. His friendship with me was sincere, okay? I know it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"If he truly was sincere, then how come he couldn't even bear to show you his face after you've pretty much  sacrificed your whole life for him?" she challenged.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The freckled boy looked at his older brother. "Min… didn't you say he visited me a lot?" </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho was too worried about what could happen given the rise in everyone's emotions that he was unable to respond to his brother. He stood there in place as though a deer caught in headlights, mouth agape as his mind ran through all his options before trying to pick the response that would be best to keep his brother calm and safe. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He… he was here, right?" Felix continued. "It's not like he never showed up. He was here a lot, right, Minho?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He was, but that was until his conscience ate him up because he saw that you weren't waking up," Mrs. Lee filled in for him, causing an abrupt end to Minho's trance. That did not sound right at all. Minho was there during Chris' last day before leaving for Seoul. This was not what he read in his eyes that evening. Yes, he was guilty, but that guilt was for everything that happened the evening of the talent show, not for being a fake friend.</em>
</p><p><em>"That is why I'm here," Mrs. Yang answered. "I just really want to apologize to you, Felix, and to your family," she said as her eyes met those of the other woman in the room. "I wanted to apologize on behalf of Chris. I'm deeply embarrassed and sorry for the damage he's caused, and I really hope that you don't take this to heart too much</em> <em>—</em> <em>"</em></p><p>
  <em>"Not take this to heart?" Felix repeated in question. "How can I not? Chris was my best friend."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He was just trying to be a good son to us," Mrs. Yang explained. "Unfortunately, being one cost him his integrity as a good friend."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I knew something was wrong with that kid," Mrs. Lee muttered to herself.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Nothing is wrong with Chris, mom," Felix defended on reflex before looking back down on his blanket. "I just don't understand why this all had to happen…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I tried to stop him from getting close to you," Mrs. Yang added. "I tried to stop him from using you, but there's only so much I can do when you spend all your time in school together, you know? He was desperate. He knew that we were in dire straits and he knew that our company – our only source of living – was trying to land a deal with Clé. He knew that you were heir to the company, so he started thinking of ways he could help us out."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That doesn't make sense. You're trying to land a business deal with Clé right now. Chris and I have been best friends for more than two years."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We tried to go on a bid for Clé two years ago too." Mrs. Yang turned to look at Mrs. Lee. "You might not remember this because you have so many companies trying to work in partnership with yours, but we made a proposal with you two years ago. That didn't pan out and that's why we're trying again this year. For the record, if you choose to reject the deal again and cut ties with our company now that you know about all of this, I completely understand. The deal would still mean a lot to a smaller company like us, but I cannot, in good conscience, go into this without telling you the truth when you almost lost your son because of mine."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"So… y-you're telling me…" Felix spoke up, voice quivering with emotion as he tried to piece everything together. Tears started to fill his eyes. "You're telling me our whole friendship was a lie?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho moved forward and stepped in between Mrs. Yang and Felix as he faced the former while protectively holding his brother's wrist behind him. "Maybe this is too much for one day."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix brushed off his brother's grip. "Minho, no."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The older male turned to face Felix, the expression on his face unreadable. "Felix, this is enough."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I need to know," the freckled boy insisted, his own pair of brown eyes widening as he tried to make an adamant point. "Please. I have questions and she has answers."</em>
</p><p><em>Minho let out a shaky breath as he looked away in exasperation. He wanted to remain calm; he wanted to maintain his stoicism but he also needed to make a point. For the first time, he decided to take away the veil of indifference from his countenance and allowed Felix to see the genuine fear in his eyes. "I don't want a repeat of what happened last week, Felix! I don't want to lose you </em>again<em>."</em></p><p>
  <em>Felix's expression softened and he took hold instead of Minho's wrist with his free hand and rubbed his thumb against it. It was the very first time he'd ever seen concern in his brother's eyes and the very first time he'd done anything to show affection for him. If the situation were different right now, he probably would have smiled at the way this all made his heart swell, but he had other things that needed his attention right now. "I'm fine," he reassured softly. "I'll tell you if I start feeling unwell again, but right now I'm okay. I can handle it this time. I've thought about it and cried over it for an entire week now. I don't need more time to think; I need answers if you want me to keep my sanity, Minho."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho knew this wasn't supposed to be about him, but Felix had a way of comforting him with the mere expression on his face and the small gesture he just made. The pleading look on his brother's eyes made it difficult for him to resist selfishly even though he still felt the need to put an abrupt end to the conversation to avoid having history repeat itself. With a sigh, he relented and nodded his head in defeat. "I'll be in the corner if you need me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Stay," the younger boy tugged at his arm and motioned for him to sit next to him on the bed. "If being able to monitor my condition closely will make you feel any better, stay here next to me."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho hesitated at first but once again nodded, taking the spot next to his brother on the bed quietly while the conversation resumed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I do not know if your friendship was all a lie," Mrs. Yang admitted. "That's something only you and Chris could answer. But Felix, I'm telling you this because I want you to see that worrying over him right now is not something you should be putting your life at risk for. He doesn't deserve it."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He's your son! How could you say that?"</em>
</p><p><em>"He betrayed you," Mrs. Lee countered. "How could </em>you <em>say that?"</em></p><p>
  <em>Felix opened his mouth to argue but nothing came out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Look," Mrs. Yang continued. "I don't want to hurt you with the truth, Felix. But I want you for once to care more about yourself than Chris. What happened last week… that probably could have been avoided had you known the truth about him. You probably wouldn't have been as worried as you were if you found out about his true character much earlier."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I-I don't know what to feel…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's okay to feel sad and surprised. But don't let this get to you more than he deserves to live in your mind rent-free." She paused as she chose her words carefully before continuing. "I hope you don't end up hating him because of this. I just wanted you to understand everything so you could put your own recovery at the top of your priority list instead of worrying about him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I just want to know how he could do this to me for two, no… almost three years. H-how he could face me day in and day out and look me in the eye when all this time he's been using me? I… I had to sacrifice my life for him just for him to feel any sense of remorse about all of it? I don't understand. That's not the Chris I thought I knew…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Yang chewed on her lip before responding. "He probably felt bad for a while, but he probably also ignored it. He was desperate, Felix. He kept telling us – and probably himself – that he had to do it. He told us back then that this was the only way he could repay us."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho lifted a brow and asked the same question his brother had. "Repay you? For what?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Yang hesitated in answering but she knew being honest was the only choice she had left at this point. "For adopting him."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A gasp escaped from Felix's lips. "He's… adopted?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We've never talked to anyone about this before because we've always treated him like a real son…" She sniffed. "But yes, he is. H-he didn't come from us, and maybe that's why his values are different from ours."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"B-but…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I know this is a lot to take in," she cut him off. "I don't want to overwhelm you like I did last time."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Wait," he said abruptly. "You can't just partially tell me something and then leave again. I still have questions."</em>
</p><p><em>"You'll never run out of questions, Felix," Mrs. Lee commented as she faced her son. "Maybe you should just let it go. Let </em>him <em>go. Any friendship that isn't based on sincerity is not worth fighting for."</em></p><p>
  <em>"I told you everything that you need to know for now, Felix," Mrs. Yang added. "Until you're a lot better, at least. I just came here to tell you that in hopes that the truth will help you understand where Chris is coming from. Why he probably needs some time away and why he probably does not want to be found right now. He was probably too affected seeing you fight for your life day in and day out when he's the real reason you were in that predicament in the first place. I can only imagine the guilt that ate him up, and it was probably bearing on him too much so that's why he ran away."</em>
</p><p><em>"What about what </em>I <em>feel? Does that not matter?"</em></p><p>
  <em>"Not to him, it seems," Mrs. Lee answered. "If he was a true friend, he would have come clean to you much earlier."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"It's a shameful thing, what he's done…" Mrs. Yang added. "As a mother, it pains me to have lost him in this way. But I see and understand his guilt. As much as I want him back, my heart tells me that if I force him back home when he's not ready, he'll just be miserable."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But if he finds out I'm okay now and we can talk things out, he might feel much better? I'll feel much better and so would you," the freckled boy insisted. "Getting him back would be a winning situation for all of us."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He'll come back home when he's ready, Felix."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I'll… I'll find him myself. I'll find him for you." He looked at Minho and then his mother. "We can go to South Korea, can't we?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho sighed. "Felix, you can't even stand on your own yet, let alone travel to a different country."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You know you need to go through physical therapy first," his mother added. "At this point… we don't even know if… if you'll even get to walk again."</em>
</p><p><em>"I </em>have<em> to be able to walk again, Mom. I </em>need<em> to find Chris," he asserted, the desperation growing in his voice. "I need to let him know it's okay. That I'm okay. We have things to talk about… but we can sort those out later. Right now, we just need him back. His parents need him back. Heck, </em>I <em>need him back."</em></p><p>
  <em>"Felix…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We can make that happen, right, Mom?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The doctor will not allow you to travel."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But can't we try—"</em>
</p><p><em>"It's a no, Felix!" she maintained, her voice raising for the first time. "Haven't you listened to Mrs. Yang? She's telling you all of this so you could put </em>your<em> needs above Chris'. Maybe that did not go through the first time because of your brain injury, but for your sake, I'm telling you again – stop worrying about Chris for once and think about yourself."</em></p><p>
  <em>"You have to listen to your mother, dear," Mrs. Yang added. "I appreciate your willingness, but I think he needs to take the time that he needs for now. When he finds the courage to show himself to you, he will."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But how sure are you that he's okay out there?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She shrugged. "He was the one who decided to run away."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"How could you say that so lightly? Aren't you concerned about him?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Of course I am," she fibbed. "But you know how Chris is, Felix. He doesn’t do anything drastic without first having made plans to make sure everything works out. I'm worried about him too but part of me tells me that he'll be okay. He's street smart. You shouldn’t worry too much about him and focus on your recovery instead."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"But—"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Maybe you could surprise him when he comes back," she encouraged. "Show him how well you've recovered by then."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I don't know. That seems a little far-fetched right now. I don't even know if I'll be able to walk again…" He trailed off, allowing the sadness in his features to finish the sentence for him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"You will," Minho encouraged. "I know you will."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Have you been in touch with a therapist already?" Mrs. Yang asked.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"We've reached out to a few," Mrs. Lee explained, "but we haven't had much luck. The really good ones who specialize in Felix's condition are all in demand and aren't accepting new patients at the moment. The ones who have availability are a little mediocre."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I can refer you to my nephew," the older woman answered. "He earned the highest score in the country when he took his licensure exam eight years ago, so he's pretty big time and is really good at what he does. I can refer you to his practice."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Really?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Yeah," she said with a nod as she pulled her phone out of her purse. "His office might tell you they're not accepting new patients because a lot of hospitals have been sending patients his way, but if you mention my name, he'll most likely be able to accommodate you. I just need to talk to him before you make that call."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Y-you'll do that for us?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Of course," she replied quickly. "I'm deeply sorry for what Felix had gone through because of Chris. This is the least I could do."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That would be a huge help to us," Mrs. Lee gleamed. "His doctor hasn't really given us a good prognosis for his leg. It was badly damaged even though he'd undergone surgery right away."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Yang nodded in understanding. "I will give you his contact information."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Thank you," Mrs. Lee said in reply.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Thank you," Felix tacked on. "And I'm sorry."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The rest of the people in the room looked at each other in confusion, silence befalling them for a second or two before Mrs. Yang spoke up. "Sorry for what, dear?"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"That you lost Chris because of me…"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She shook her head. "You have nothing to be sorry about, Felix. All things considered, I am the one who should be thanking you and apologizing to you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Like you said, it wasn't really anything you could help or control since we were in school together," he melancholically responded. "I just… I just wish he'd come back so we could talk things out."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"He will, Felix," she reassured him. "One day, he will."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>From that day forward, Felix found himself a second set of parents in Mr. and Mrs. Yang. Since Felix's doctor extended the teenager's hospital stay due to what happened the week before and Minho had to go back to school, they had to figure out an arrangement that would work for everyone. Mrs. Yang volunteered to care for Felix on certain days of the week, thus spending a considerable amount of time with the teenager during the week that followed.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho could not find the guts in him to be vocal about how he felt, but he knew that something was wrong. He could not pinpoint exactly what it was, but there was something about their current situation that did not sit well with him. He tried to discreetly look for ways to prove his hunch, but he always came up empty, so eventually he just learned to ignore his gut feeling and go with whatever the adults have decided.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>After Felix was deemed well enough to be discharged from the hospital, Mrs. Yang continued to visit him at home. She mostly came by herself, but on rare weekends, she had her husband accompany her and they both spent some time with the recuperating teenage boy who at that time was merely confined to a wheelchair.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix was able to begin undergoing physical therapy with Mrs. Yang's nephew, with her help, and while the road to recovery for his knee seemed very long and painful, he was glad that he had the opportunity to allow his leg to do things again other than rest numbly on the chair or on a pillow.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Yang, he learned, was a very loveable lady, and Felix would not deny the fact that there were days when he wished he had her as his mom instead. She was affectionate and very comforting, very much unlike his mother who showed her love for him by providing for him instead of personally giving him the kind of care that he longed for. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Nevertheless, he was thankful for the small pockets of time that Mrs. Lee made sure to spend with him when she was at home. He never even got that back then, but now he could at least tell that she was trying. Perhaps, her maternal side just really was not up to par to his expectations from her. He understood how busy she was with their company anyway, and the fact that she's made a bit more of an effort since the accident to spend at least a couple minutes each day with him slowly built up his relationship with her. Wherever she lacked, Mrs. Yang was there to fill the gaps.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix was immensely grateful to Mrs. Yang for being there for him, but part of him worried as well especially since he knew that she, too, was a businesswoman who had a company to take care of. She assured him, however, that she and her husband were quite a team at this and that given the size of their company, matters were easily handled with her working only part-time for the time being. She said she wanted to do this for him because she felt indebted to Felix for all of Chris' shortcomings as a friend to him. She got them all convinced of her story that no one even considered the idea of her trying to use the situation to earn brownie points from the Lee family to gain their approval on the deal that they were trying to close with Clé Estates.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She used every opportunity she could to gain Felix's sympathy, reiterating almost every other day how much she had to sacrifice just to adopt Chris, only to end up getting heartbroken for the person he ended up being. She talked openly now about Chris not being her real son just to emphasize what good parents she and her husband have been even to a child that wasn't their own. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the end, she gained Felix's sympathy, and along with that came Mr. and Mrs. Lee's favor. They kept up with their ploy even after landing the deal with Clé Estates since they now knew each other in friendlier terms and the Yangs did not want to risk the possibility of getting on the Lees' bad side had they withdrawn their fake support for their youngest son.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix became the bridge for the two families to come together, much to the adults' delight and the other teenagers' dismay. The couples invited each other for joint family dinners almost every other week, alternating between the two households, and Minho and Jeongin had no choice but to quietly partake even though they both would rather not.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Minho wasn't too fond of the idea because of his unexplainable gut feeling about the other family. Something just really felt off, and he attributed it mostly to the fact that this was the family who raised his brother's biggest traitor. Nevertheless, he never dared question his parents' decisions especially when it came to judging the characters of these strangers since he trusted that his parents knew how to read people well; after all, they wouldn't have been successful in the business world if they had poor judgment on people they mingled with.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The more their families spent time together, the closer the two sets of parents seemed to be. Felix, though plagued with depression for his best friend's departure and betrayal, tried his best to wear a mask of indifference when the adults were around so as not to worry them. Deep within, though, all he could feel was a void in his chest as every little thing reminded him of the interactions he and Chris had during the two and a half years they spent together as best friends.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The amount of time Felix had spent with Mrs. Yang got him exposed to countless fabricated stories that convinced him of how greedy Chris had been for things that were beyond his reach. She constantly told him about how disappointed she was with the way Chris thought of the world around him and how he could manipulate others to his benefit, and while Felix countered her stories with questions in the beginning, he started listening more intently to her until he eventually found himself on her side despite not knowing the truth behind every story. She painted Chris in such a negative light that Felix began to question how he was so blinded by a friendship that he so desperately wanted – so much so that he didn't even think of Chris' overall character just because he gave him the love of a friend that he thought he needed but couldn't get anywhere else.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>That was how Felix's concern and longing for his best friend slowly got replaced by anger and regret. Countless times had he seen Mrs. Yang shed a tear or two while telling him about how heartbroken she was at the way things ended up and how much she missed having her eldest to turn to. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Felix was guilt-ridden every time he heard her lament on that topic, and he eventually decided to take it upon himself to fill the gap that Chris had left in Mrs. Yang's life to help ease her pain and longing. He felt really bad since he believed that Chris wouldn't have even run away from home had it not been because of him. Mrs. Yang wouldn't have been separated from her son like this if it weren't because of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In a way, Felix believed that he and Mrs. Yang were like two pieces of a puzzle that fit perfectly, brought together by the common denominator that was Chris. She longed for a son-like figure whom Jeongin could also look up to as an older brother, and he longed for the warm affection of someone – anyone – that only Chris used to fill him with. In his book, it felt like an absolute match. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mrs. Yang's love language fit Felix's perfectly so he turned to her for comfort since he knew he was not going to get any of it from his real family no matter how close he became to his brother and parents. At the same time, Mrs. Yang treated him like her own, taking care of him in more ways than she ever did with Chris and Jeongin. Felix loved her for that and never failed to express how eternally grateful he was to have her in his life at the time he needed the most affection. He always told her that she was heaven-sent because she always had time to listen to his concerns, reassure him from his worries, and comfort him in his distress. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>In the end, he couldn't help but feel like he got a good deal out of Chris' betrayal: he may have lost a best friend, but he gained a second mother out of it and possibly an entire new family.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>If only he knew the price his best friend had to pay just for that to happen.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>As Chan looked back on the day he and Minho met after work to talk about his situation with Felix, there were a couple things that made more sense now.</p><p>Truth be told, Chan thought Minho was being overdramatic when he mentioned that Felix's heart stopped beating upon hearing the news of his departure. It wasn't until Minho himself got emotional as he recounted the events of the day that Chan realized that the older Lee brother was dead serious – pun intended – and was genuinely scared at the thought that he could have lost his brother that day.</p><p>Chan swallowed a lump that uncomfortably lodged itself in his throat at Minho's revelation. Not once in his life had he thought that he meant enough to Felix for him to be this much affected by his departure. No wonder he was as angry as he was. The pain of the past must have been too much for him to deal with that he had to channel all of that into some other emotion so he could get going with his life.</p><p>He now understood where Felix was coming from, and all the more, he wanted to respect the space that Felix kept telling him he needed in order to heal.</p><p>Chan himself had a mix of emotions flow through his veins as he listened to Minho. Pangs of guilt burdened him heavily as swirls of anger gnawed at him from the depths of his chest at the thought of his stepmother using Felix's weakness just to turn the story around.</p><p>Did she have no conscience at all? How could she have fabricated a lie on a helpless teenager who had just woken up from a coma just to wash away the guilt that ate at her for abandoning her son in a foreign land and make <em>him</em> the bad guy of the story instead?</p><p>Chan seethed every time he thought of it. He did not care about being painted the bad guy, but his overprotective instincts ran wild at the thought of how much emotional pain Felix must have experienced when he was told that Chan had run away from home because of him. That was just nowhere near the truth and unfortunately, Felix would have never found out because Chan was never given the opportunity to talk to him again after he'd been exiled to South Korea.</p><p>"He may be very angry at you right now, but it's only because he was very much hurt, and I guess that was the only way he could cope," Minho explained to him that night. "It took a while for him to get out the rut he was in when you left. And even then, he was willing to do every stupid thing you could imagine just to get you back. All of his hostility towards you now – that was just a result of years of brainwashing, Chan. Felix loved you dearly. He probably still does to this day, and I'd even probably say that he's just pushing you away now because he wants to test how far you'd go to get him back to counter all of those years where he believed that you left primarily because of him. The way I see it, he wants and needs nothing more than for you to be back in his life, but he can't trust himself after everything that's happened so he just wants to be certain that when you do return in his life, you'll be in it again for good."</p><p>"I'll do whatever it takes," he said with firm resolve. "I'm not going to leave Felix behind again. I'm going to give him the space that he needs, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up on him."</p><p>Those were the words Chan openly declared to Minho that night, full of conviction and assurance as though he knew what the future had in store for him.</p><p>So when he found himself discreetly packing up his things after he had declared so openly to his boss that he was resigning, he had to wonder when he had ever been so sure of himself when so many things have changed over the span of the last two weeks.</p><p>He didn't want it all to come to this. He didn't want to break his promise to himself that he'd do anything to get Felix back. He didn't want to break his promise to Felix for a second time and end up leaving him again now that he knew that he was actually alive. He didn't want to break his promise to Minho that he was going to make it up to Felix after he'd learned about how hard it was for the younger one to get used to his new normal after the accident: living with a defective leg and navigating through life without the best friend who once promised him he'd be there every step of the way.</p><p>Leaving Felix now – even when they were not in good terms – was not an easy thing for him to do. In fact, them not being on good terms made it even all the more harder because he knew he was going to regret something one way or the other.</p><p>He already regretted leaving once: when he left Sydney in pursuit of the one chance for him to visit his real parents. Had he known how tumultuous his and Felix's life would be because of that one decision, he probably would have said no to the trip and stayed next to his best friend instead.</p><p>But if he didn't leave now, he'd have no choice but to helplessly watch the vengeful Australian taking out all of his frustrations on his teammates: three other people that meant a lot to him.</p><p>Chan never wanted to be angry at Felix. He never thought he'd ever find himself upset at the younger Australian whom he cherished like a brother. But he'd seen it all. He'd seen how hard Jisung worked his ass off for yesterday's presentation and he'd also seen how insistent Felix was that Jisung do the presentation even when Chan told him he didn't have a good feeling about all of it. So seeing Jisung reprimanded as harshly as he was yesterday really just rubbed him the wrong way.</p><p>There was always something about the way Felix took it out on Jisung. Something that did not sit well with Chan. It was as though everything was done deliberately to put him at a disadvantage and to give Felix a reason to take it out on him, and Chan could not hide his big-brother mode every time he saw this happen. The same way he instinctively became overprotective of Felix against his bullies in school back then, Chan was overprotective of Jisung whenever someone seemed to be out to get him – even if that person was the same best friend that he wanted back in his life.</p><p>It didn't matter that Felix meant more to Chan than these three other people combined. As much as Chan tried to ignore it, he could not deny the fact that Felix had the power to ruin his other friends' lives, and so even though technically speaking, Felix's friendship tipped the scales a little because of his worth to Chan, the older Australian had to stop thinking selfishly of his own wishes to get his friendship with Felix back on track if it meant disadvantaging three other people, one of whom was one of his best friends.</p><p>The world did not revolve around the two of them; it involved everyone else who unfortunately did not sign up for any of this drama, and Chan had to be considerate of that.</p><p>Telling the team yesterday before leaving for the day was very difficult. Seungmin was too shocked to say anything over the phone when he called him; Hyunjin tried to beg him in any and every way thinkable to not leave them hanging like this; Jisung blamed himself and cried silently from where he sat. Chan had to assure them all that everything would be alright after he is gone, even though he himself needed some convincing that there was nothing else he needed to worry about in the future.</p><p>Today, their team was understandably more quiet than usual. Normally, they started their workday with chatter to get everyone cheerful and happy before jumping on their dreadful workload, but no one appeared to be in the mood for it this morning.</p><p>Initiating the conversation regarding workload transition made the air all the more heavier for Chan. Talking about who will take over what for him made everything seem so final. On the one hand, he tried to be positive about it because his teammates taking over his stuff meant more opportunity for them to grow, and yet on the other, he couldn't help but feel guilty for burdening them all with even more work. The last thing they needed right now was a whole bunch of more projects to take over for, and yet here he was dumping his projects on them.</p><p>He was in the process of writing out standard operating procedures for a certain task that only he in the department did in the past few years when the lead of a different team exited Felix's office and approached Chan directly to tell him that Felix wanted to see him.</p><p>Chan silently nodded his head before begrudgingly standing from his desk, locking his computer before making his way towards the manager's office. A sigh wanted to escape his lips but he really did not want to pull anyone's attention right now. He just didn't want to have to deal with Felix and his temper tantrums all over again either.</p><p>"You wanted to see me?" he asked quietly as soon as he reached the office, leaning on the doorway instead of entering like usual.</p><p>Felix looked up at him, surprise almost gracing his features before he concealed it quickly with a mask of indifference. "Yes. Um…" He angled himself away from the computer on his desk to face his visitor and motioned at one of the chairs in front of his desk. "Take a seat."</p><p>"I'm actually in the middle of something right now, so I'd rather keep this short," he countered. Chan knew he needed to make a stand and he knew he had to keep his distance. If he got too emotionally involved in this conversation with Felix, there was a huge chance that his guilt for choosing to leave him all over again would eat him up and cause him to take back everything he said yesterday. He knew that wasn't supposed to happen, and he was going to try his best to not allow that to happen.</p><p>"Um… I was hoping to talk to you about a couple things…" he paused before continuing as he thought about what he needed to say and how he wanted to verbalize everything that ran through his head. "…starting with what happened yesterday."</p><p>Chan moved further into the office and closed the door behind him to keep other employees from eavesdropping on their conversation. "I emailed my resignation letter to you yesterday after you left. If you haven't seen it yet, check your inbox. It's probably sitting there." He watched as Felix glanced momentarily  at his computer screen despite not making any clicks to find said document from his email. "A copy has been sent to HR as well, and I already told my team about it so you wouldn't have to break the news to them yourself, if that's what you're worried about."</p><p>Felix bit his lips in silence, hands clasping together on his desk as he looked down.</p><p>"Is that what you called me in for?" Chan asked. "To double-check and make sure yesterday wasn't all just a dream? Good news: it's not."</p><p>"That's not…" Felix sighed. "That's not good news to me."</p><p>The older man simply raised his brows in response, surprised at the words he heard from the manager.</p><p>The blonde one cleared his throat awkwardly as he looked away. "We uh… we have an urgent project, specifically delegated to us by the headquarter office. It's something that I've heard you've handled in the past."</p><p>Chan shook his head. "With all due respect, I'm not taking on any new work."</p><p>"Chan—"</p><p>"In case I wasn't clear yesterday or even just a few minutes ago, this week is my last week at Clé. My term with this company ends on Friday. It's already Wednesday, and I have a whole lot of other open projects to wrap-up. I can't take on anything new." He let out a breath. "Besides, projects around here take more than three days to complete anyway, especially when it comes from the headquarter office, so you might as well give that project to someone else."</p><p>Felix hesitated for a bit before letting his words out. "Chan, y-you don't have to leave."</p><p>A humorless laugh escaped the older man's lips. "Trust me, I have to. I don't want to, but—"</p><p>"—Then don't."</p><p>"—But I have to." Chan moved closer to the manager's desk and pointed towards the direction of his team's desks outside the office. "Those guys mean a whole lot to me, Manager Lee. I've worked with them for more than two years every single frigging day. They're like my brothers at this point, and if me staying here in your company is what's going to endanger their careers—"</p><p>"It won't."</p><p>"Says the man who threatened to use his position against my teammates if I decided to stick around," he deadpanned.</p><p>Felix sighed. He knew Chan was only speaking the truth. He did use them as a threat towards him a couple weeks ago before he came to his senses. "W-what if… what if I changed my mind? About wanting you gone?"</p><p>"How long do we wait until you change your mind again and decide that you actually <em>do</em> want me gone?" he challenged. "Is it however long it takes to get this urgent project of yours completed?"</p><p>Felix stood to match the older man's level. "Chan, that's not—"</p><p>"Again, with all due respect, Manager Lee, I'd love to continue working here, but not with you as my boss. I cannot put my teammates at risk because of whatever unresolved issues we have between us that's inadvertently affecting them."</p><p>"What I said that day… Chan, I was just… driven by emotions. I didn't really mean that. I promise I won't do anything that would negatively impact them."</p><p>"Says the person who does not believe in promises."</p><p>Felix sighed. "Chan, I'm trying here."</p><p>"Oh and you think I'm not?" he inquired. "You think I just want to make things difficult? I'm trying too, <em>Felix</em>. I've been trying for so many months now. And in case you haven't realized, you've already done some damage to my team, so your promise just came a little too late. You have placed them – especially Jisung – in countless situations that they never should have been in had you not been so blinded by your anger towards me. Heck, I had to frigging kick Jisung out of my apartment because of you!"</p><p>"I don't know how many times I have to tell you this, but that wasn't anything personal!"</p><p>"You know, I really want to believe you, but somehow I can't. Somehow… I'm not seeing the sincerity in that. Forgive me if I'm going blind, but that's probably just a result of months of training myself to turn a blind eye towards the things you do to me just to spite me just because you found me in your life again."</p><p>Felix threw his hands in the air as he blew a deep breath out of his mouth. "Chan, let's not do this today, please. I… Look, what would it take to get you to stay?"</p><p>Chan paused. The answer was really simple if he were to be honest. <em>'Your trust? Your forgiveness? Your friendship?'</em> he wanted to say, but he also just did not want to push it anymore. He'd learned to painfully accept that maybe their friendship truly needs to end where it did before anyone else gets hurt. "Nothing," he answered detachedly. "Because even if you promise that you won't do anything to Jisung, Hyunjin, and Seungmin, I cannot trust the words of a man who thinks of promises as merely empty words."</p><p>"What would it take to at least extend your time a little bit longer? For the project at least?"</p><p>Chan's heart broke. To think that part of him believed that Felix wanted to convince him to stay because he regretted the way he'd been treating him in the past. Because he wanted Chan to stay in his life. The cold hard truth came in like a slap on the face: that Felix only wanted him longer because of his ability to get the job done. Why did he even expect anything more than that? "Don't try to sound so desperate. It doesn't fit you," he replied as he buried his hands in the pocket of his pants. "I'm sure one of the guys in the team can handle the project just fine."</p><p>"They all gave HR their resignation notices too."</p><p>Chan's eyes widened. "What?"</p><p>"This morning, two of them contacted HR separately. One of them did last night."</p><p>Silence befell them before Chan spoke up again, his brows furrowing as he crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Let me get this straight. So you want me to stay in hopes that they will stay in the company as well?"</p><p>Felix did not respond. That was not incorrect, but it wasn't like that was the only answer. He wanted Chan to stay because Chan used to be his best friend. One he'd been treating unfairly, but one that he wanted to slowly welcome back in his life. But why was it so hard to simply admit that? Every time a part of him had the urge to tell the truth, a greater part of him shivered in fear of baring his soul so freely to someone who once had betrayed him in the past.</p><p>"So you want me to stick around to save face," Chan concluded as he tried so hard to mask his pain. "So that they retract their resignations and you don't lose an entire team under your management?"</p><p>"Chan—"</p><p>"Wow, just when I thought you couldn't insult me more, you just keep getting lower."</p><p>"Chan, it has nothing to do with that."</p><p>"Find someone else from a different team to work on your project," he spat as he turned around to leave.</p><p>"I-I'll give you a promotion o-or… or a bonus," Felix bargained. "Just do this one thing for me please?"</p><p>The older male shook his head as he faced the freckled man again. "You really have changed, haven't you? Such a far cry from the sweet, innocent teenager I used to know. Now all you do is use your power to get your way."</p><p>"You talk like you've never tried manipulating anything or anyone in your favor before," the younger one indignantly defended.</p><p>"Because I have not!"</p><p>"Stop denying it, Chan," Felix countered. "You are the <em>master</em> when it comes to that!"</p><p>Chan stepped closer to Felix, fire burning once again in his eyes. "I may be financially unstable without this job, but just so we're clear, I'm not here for the money, Felix. I'm not even here for any career advancement if that's all you think I care about. Yes, I need the means to make ends meet, but the main reason I stuck around here despite our endless differences that led to this place being a hellish place to work in was <em>you</em>."</p><p>"And what? You got tired of me now the same way you got tired of me back then?"</p><p>"Aren't you?" Chan snapped back, surprising Felix, who was expecting the older one to deny his accusation. "Aren't you tired of always being so angry?"</p><p>"I am," he admitted. "But you know what I'm more tired of, huh? Having to second guess myself every single time I meet people especially when they seem to be nice and genuine. Having to put my guard up around everyone for fear that they will take advantage of whatever friendship I can offer to them."</p><p>Chan moved away. "That's a you-problem. Don't drag me into that."</p><p>"<em>You</em> were the one who made me this way!" Felix exclaimed. "<em>You</em> were the one who screwed me up like this!"</p><p>"Felix, yours isn't the only life that's screwed up around here. In case you didn't know, all of us are screwed up in one way or another. It's all a matter of how you deal with how screwy you are."</p><p>"Well then, it must be nice," the blonde sneered. "It must be nice to always have the option of running away when things get ugly or too much for you. You didn't hesitate to leave me behind back then when I fell on a coma and now you're doing it all over again. Is that how <em>you</em> deal with your issues, Chan? Selfishly? I mean… have you not thought about what I would have felt back then waking up with you just gone like that and then learning about what you've been doing behind my back? Never mind me since apparently I never meant anything to you anyway other than a shortcut to your family's financial gain."</p><p>Chan's brows furrowed in confusion. What the heck was Felix talking about? He knew that his stepparents told Felix that it was Chan's choice to leave Sydney back then. But all these other accusations – where were they coming from?!</p><p>"But what about your parents?" Felix continued. "Have you not thought of what impact your departure would have had on your parents?! All because you needed to escape the lie that was your life?"</p><p>"You have no right," Chan gritted, "to talk to me about any of those." He lifted an index finger up to the younger man's face, as he tried to contain his emotions that swam in his chest. "You don't know a thing. You don't know what I've been through—"</p><p>Felix swatted his finger away as he shouted back. "Then tell me! Tell me yourself—"</p><p>"You don't know that I basically—"</p><p>The sudden opening of Felix's office door prompted the conversation to end abruptly, although the tension in the air was still thick and heavy. Chan moved away and turned his back on the manager as he gathered his composure while the company's new administrative assistant entered the office carrying a large bouquet of flowers and a care basket that had a whole lot of what Chan recognized were Felix's favorite Australian snacks.</p><p>"Sorry, Manager Lee," she said with a bow as she handed over the items. "I didn't mean to interrupt, but these were delivered today by the international courier."</p><p>Felix moved away from his spot to take the items from her and place them on his desk. "Thank you," he awkwardly said. "Do you know who these are from?"</p><p>"The courier did not say," she responded before bowing and making her exit, leaving the two men alone together in the office. Chan did not pay any mind to the items until his eyes landed on the envelope that rested atop the basket towards the center, bearing a particular logo he had not seen in what seemed like ages.</p><p>Y&amp;A was embossed on it, and for a while Chan thought he was making things up in his head until it dawned on him why the logo was familiar. It stood for Yang &amp; Associates, his stepparents' company name. For a split second, he was reminded of his entire unhappy childhood as he took in the image of that symbol, one he used to see every single day as part of the company's owners' family.</p><p>Ignoring his better judgment, he instinctively reached a hand out to the envelope, his reflexes being quicker for once than that of the astounded younger man who watched him stare at the piece of paper he held in his hands.</p><p>"Chan, give that back please," was all Felix could mutter as he watched Chan's eyes immediately fill with pent-up tears.</p><p>"They… they send you gifts and cards for your birthday?" he quietly asked.</p><p>"What, are you jealous?" Felix insensitively asked back with a roll of his eyes. "You ran away from them. Did you really expect them to send you gifts when you hid yourself from them so well that they never found you in eight years?"</p><p>Chan simply looked at him, his overwhelming emotions somehow making it harder for him to breathe. He thought he was over it – his issues with his stepparents after they have unceremoniously shipped him to a foreign land. With Changbin's help, he thought he'd been able to desensitize himself to all things that pertained to them. It turned out he wasn't as over it as he thought.</p><p>"I usually spend my birthdays with them," Felix continued matter-of-factly. "Just not this year since I'm here in Seoul, but… what's that to you?"</p><p>Chan did not respond but shakily opened the envelope and pulled the card out.</p><p>
  <em>Dear Felix,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>We hope Seoul is treating you well. We thought you might be missing some of your favorite snacks from home so we're sending you some for your birthday. Take some time to relax on your special day, yeah? We know how much you tend to work, so hopefully you could get a little breather and have some fun. We know great things are ahead of you and wish you nothing but good things as you celebrate yet another year. You make us so proud, Felix, and we feel very honored to have known you. Take care out there, son. We love you. Say hi to Minho for us.</em>
</p><p>"Love, Ma and Pa?" Chan read out loud the letter's closing and signature, words shaky as though he couldn't believe what he was seeing. "Th-they call you son?"</p><p>Felix remained silent for a while, confused as to why Chan was making such a big deal out of this. Why did he act so distraughtly when he was the one who left them behind?</p><p>"Yeah, they do. They're like my second parents," he confirmed rather conceitedly. The less rational part of his brain firmly resolved to take one more jab to win the argument that got so rudely interrupted just a half-minute ago, so he continued. "They treat me like a real son, something you didn't give them a chance to do with you back then." With a small shrug, he ended his statement with a homerun. "Someone had to fill the void you left in their lives when you selfishly decided to leave them behind, y'know?"</p><p>A tearful Chan wordlessly tossed the card onto the desk as though it burned his fingers, his eyes meeting Felix's for a brief second while his lips quivered with sorrow. Before Felix could register the anguish in his eyes, ask if everything was alright, or even feel guilty for saying something that affected his former best friend so profoundly, Chan was already exiting his office in a rush, leaving a smug yet confused Felix all alone in his office with nothing but his gifts and the memory of Chan's tear-filled eyes etched in mind.</p><p>He had one job: to convince Chan to stay. Why did he have to screw things up with him again in yet another way?</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So... whose side are you on this time? Let me know - I'm actually really curious! :D</p><p>But also... omg. I was hesitant about leaving my note at the end of the last chapter and was honestly bracing myself for lots of criticism for being so… idk, needy? but wow. I was so incredibly blown away by the amount of love and appreciation in your comments. </p><p>You know how shy Chan gets when he receives compliments from stays? Yeah, that's how I felt when I was going through each comment last week to respond to everyone, haha. Like, I initially didn't know what to type out other than 'thank you' thrown in with a bunch of heart emojis lol. But seriously, everything that I really needed to keep going was in the comments section of that chapter and I cannot thank you enough for the love and encouragement and kind words and everything. Know that you have boosted a very insecure author's motivation, and the rest of this story is going to be inspired by all of you who read and support it. &lt;3</p>
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